First of all, even though I only have 14 official followers (and two unofficial ones that I know of), I just know that there are people out there, people whose every sentence makes me feel about the size of a gnat, who read this, but won't 'fess up.
No, I do not consider myself the "equivalent" of someone who has made singing a profession. What does "equivalent" mean here anyhow? Do I think I sing as well as someone who has made singing a profession? No. Do I think I have as much to say (about human nature, social trends, people's spiritual shortcomings that they think don't show) as someone who has made singing a profession? Do I think I write as well about my life as an avocational singer as some of these people write about their lives as professionals? As Sarah Palin would say " you betcha".
What makes me so heartsick isn't that people notice my vocal shortcomings (believe me, I notice them more than anyone). It's that people think I have nothing to offer and nothing to say. That was my beef with the Forum (which I will not link to).
Just because I don't sing professionally doesn't mean that my life is meaningless and that there is nothing there that people could draw inspiration from. How many 50somethings start studying voice after a long hiatus because of a chance encounter and spend the next 9 years (going on 10) giving their all (or as much as is possible) to it, sacrificing time and money? And just because I haven't lived the life of a professional singer doesn't mean I don't know things about other things that these people write and opine about: politics, health, human behavior, and so forth. But these people ignore me as much when I write or comment about those things as when I write and comment about singing.
And no, I don't expect to be "cut special breaks because of my shortcomings". I know what these are. I have lousy high notes, whether because I'm a former smoker, or because I have had five decades of sinus drainage, or because I'm a New Yorker who never learned to speak in head voice until it was too late. And I probably would not have the stamina, even if I had the range, to sing through the entire role of Amneris (I used to think that might be in my future, but probably not). But if there's anything that I can sing the living daylights out of, it's the Habanera. I sang it for the first time almost 50 years ago, it is in a comfortable range, and I know how to shake my booty just the right amount - and my French is flawless. I mean, of course, if it's up on Youtube people are free to "dislike" it or even to make nasty comments (the latter, no one has done).
I don't know why, but all this brouhaha about Miss Kansas has left me very depressed. A friend of mine who reads this blog said I should not identify. That my video of the Habanera has nothing to do with this. It was a fach-appropriate piece, and I have studied voice, this go-around, for almost 10 years now.
But I just want to put my head down and cry.
I need to go somewhere where I feel wanted, and I don't know where that is. If there were a "community" of amateur singers, particularly ones my age, maybe they would respect me. For all the work I've done, the artistry I'm capable of, my determination.
I mean I know stuff. And a lot of it is the stuff that some of these heavy hitters from the Forum should allegedly be interested in. I have conducted over 100 job interviews with potential applicants and almost as many performance evaluations. I was out as a Lesbian when no one was, wearing the "equality" sign when it really meant something; when it was an act of daring. And I am - almost - a Stonewall veteran. I was in the bar a few days before the famous riot. I have helped people get sober and helped people come out. I have lived in New York City all my life and been an officer of a tenants association. The political rhetoric that newly blue people from red states think they just discovered was, literally, mother's milk to me. My mother stood on a soapbox in Union Square screaming about the coming of the great communist paradise.
I just can't let all this plunge me into a depression. I was feeling happier thanks to going to that AA meeting, having sung well at the concert last week, and planning to do something innovative with Carmen.
Maybe I will take the Big Book to bed with me tonight.
(And now, if I want to pay next month's rent, it's time to get back to work.)
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