Well, surprise, surprise!
Yesterday out of the blue I heard from the woman who had deleted my video(s) from her Youtube channel, and attached to her email was a link through which she "shared" one of the videos with me. Because of the format it was in, I was able to download it and save it on my computer hard drive and upload it to my own Youtube channel (which is pretty sparse in its offerings). I thanked her profusely.
Here's the bitter irony.
Over my two years or so of corresponding with LC, always deep from the heart and the gut - at her prompting; she sent me materials from her "Covenant Group" (a UU offshoot) that had word prompts that were supposed to lead to deep reflection and honest sharing - I (thinking she was someone I could trust) shared a lot of anger and resentment that I felt toward people in my life. With one exception, none of this anger and resentment constituted a deal-breaker, I just wanted to get things off my chest and LC appeared to be a willing listener. Having been trained as a counselor, I assumed that she could be adroit at changing the course of a "discussion" if something made her uncomfortable (or simply saying that she didn't want to talk about a particular thing, which would have been fine with me). Never in a million years did I assume that the things I said would make her angrier and angrier until one day she would tell me she never wanted me to communicate with her again. People with psychological savvy don't do those sorts of things, one would think. There are so many more subtle and less drastic ways to back off from a relationship that is becoming uncomfortable.
The bitter irony is that I am now back in touch (and happy to be so) with all the people I told LC I was angry with, because I vented about them to her (and perhaps one other friend), to my therapist, and in these "pages", but said little, if anything, to them themselves, although they all knew I was teed off. Much better than reading someone the riot act, or telling someone you can't tell them why you don't want them to communicate with you because it would be hurtful, which it is the same thing, really.
As I said, because I'm "talky", forbidding me to "talk" is the cruelest thing anyone can do if I've cared about them at all, or opened up to them the way I did with her. (It's like someone asking you to strip naked and then telling you how ugly you look, basically. If she had thought I had an "ugly" soul, wouldn't she have had an inkling of that long before she had to enjoin me from communicating with her?) I would rather have a screaming match, complete with insults, apologies, hugs, and tears. To me that's what intimacy is.
And as I've said about LC, I am astounded that she managed to raise four children, three of whom she is still in touch with, along with various ancillary relatives. To do that, you have to either "work through" conflict, or find a tactful way to back off. You can't just throw someone in the garbage and walk away smugly thinking you smell like a rose.
I have to say here that I don't "miss" her. All that navel-gazing that these email interchanges elicited was probably very bad for my mental health. It's that I feel angry and ripped off and I think "how dare someone do that to me?" And because she isn't part of the fabric of my life I have no one to commiserate with as in "oh, she'a a bitch. She behaved like that with me [or with so and so]; just write her off and get on with your life." I know she is estranged from one of her sons, and when she told me the circumstances, quoting herself, I can see why. He was talking during her grandson's (his nephew's) funeral and instead of just saying "shhh" and looking stern - what I would have done - she said in that smarmy way she has "Now would be a good time to be silent". So he was silent. He has never spoken to her again. I almost felt like writing to him (he has a Facebook account) but decided against it because I find his political views so odious. Of course her daughter is still a "friend" on Facebook but they live together, so I don't want to get into it with the daughter. But I have considered unfriending her (or at least unfollowing her) several times because every time she types something about "Mom" I want to either scream or throw up.
So as I said, the irony is that all the people I was angry at (mostly over last year's birthday) are now back in my life as friends, no hard feelings, even the woman whom I thought had deliberately deleted my video, and the woman I used as a confidante has dumped me.
I really wish I could just forget her. At the last Moon Circle we were each given an egg to smash on the ground and were told to have it symbolize something we wanted to let go of. So I imagined LC's smirking face. Wish it had worked, but it didn't.
Oh well, time heals all wounds.
And at my last lesson, I ended Trovatore on the best B flat I have ever sung.
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