What Do I Need?

I am still in a tangle of emotions about Little Miss and her Master Class (for which she had to audition to audition, which means that she is the cream of the crop even at her prestigious conservatory), so the first thing I need to do, since I can't turn the clock back 40 years, or become someone else (a 22 year old with the voice and technique I have now might be nice), I have to ask myself what do I need that I am not getting and how can I give this to myself.

Well, for starters, I am not getting enough opportunities to sing in front of an audience, even an informal one.  I stopped going to auditions because I am too old and physically challenged to seriously think I can perform in a costume opera.  I stopped going to the two original meetups that I had gone to (one is now defunct) because I felt I was out of my depth.  And the one that was more of a mixed group (a mix of ages, abilities, and genres) has now morphed into something else.

If I didn't have so many caregiving responsibilities, I would try to start something myself, but I can't justify doing that and the time it would take (the money I am willing to throw after it, within reason, and if it was a group of peers, I could ask people to chip in).

I feel entitled to produce one big concert a year (this year I'm doing two because of the birthday concert), and after that, what's left other than three church solos a year, one for Advent/Christmas/Epiphany, one for Lent/Holy Week, and one in the summer?  Basically nothing any more.  So it just isn't enough.  I'm not getting "fed" through performing for an audience, and I'm not getting any polishing other than the technical polishing I'm getting from my voice teacher.  And the clock is ticking.

It has taken me all this time to have the technique I need (and even that is still a work in progress, but I am light years beyond where I was), and now I need something else.

I mean students like Little Miss get hours of language instruction, performance classes, movement classes, art song deconstruction, and opera scenes coaching. I have gotten maybe 5 percent of that over the past decade.  There is always work to do to pay the bills, caregiving to make my loved one's last years happy (which I would not have otherwise), not to mention just keeping a household, even a household of one, running.  And really no one to bounce my artistic obsession and its progress off of other than my voice teacher and one friend that I met online.

Since I don't want to overdo Carmen, maybe it's time to go back to looking at Venus?  Not even to try to sing to role yet, but at least to translate the German and learn the notes.