Living in the Pause

So New York is "pausing" which means that all non-essential businesses are closed; except, apparently, liquor stores.  That will be a recipe for disaster.  And all employees who can work from home, must.

I have confirmed that I can go back and forth to visit my partner regardless, and could do that even if there were a "shelter in place" order.  And I will sleep with her and snuggle with her.

I think in some ways common wisdom is wrong.  I think the younger you are, the more precautions you should take, because you will still be here when it is all over, and can touch again, kiss again, snuggle again, and visit again.  They talk about seniors needing to take the most precautions but actually I think they should be allowed to take the least, because they might very well not live beyond the end of this.  It should be their choice whether to risk catching a virus or risk dying without ever feeling a loving touch again.

Now for a rant.  Our church is closed, and the choir has been on hiatus.  We can't sing in the church because there are too many of us, and it would break the "no non-essential gatherings" rule. They are streaming services on Facebook and I had assumed that that meant that the only people in the church would be the minister, one assistant, and the organist.  That was true the first time, but today, guess who showed up?? "Little Miss". (If you are a new reader and want to know about her, read some of my posts from 2013-2015.) Now why the bleep was she invited to come sing??? If they just wanted one person, why didn't they ask one of the soloists from the church? I couldn't have done it today because I had been sick with a UTI that gave me a fever and I was feeling weak. (I stayed away from my partner also, even though the fever was not related to anything contagious, but will see her again Tuesday.) Anyhow, I am now stewing.  I don't want to email the music director because I think it's bad form to bitch about anything during this time, but my question is - why?? I wouldn't have been at all upset if there had been one soloist from the church (not me).  If that had been the case I probably would have tossed off a short email to the music director to the effect of "if you are looking for volunteers to sing in the church while you're livestreaming I'm available" and left it at that.

In any event I have no idea what Little Miss sang; I exited the livestream as soon as I saw her and went off to do something else.

I was able to practice today for a little and tomorrow will go back to working on the Carter arrangement of "Ride on King Jesus".  I am not in the mood for opera, which is certainly understandable.

Changing the Narrative (Today's Sermon)

Almost every Sunday there is something in the sermon that speaks to me, even though I am not Christian.  Today, the minister posed the question: Is there a place in your life where God is knocking on the door, a place where you feel stuck or broken?  And I realized that the answer is "yes".  The part of me that knows I will never have a place, even a tiny one, in the "world of singers" here in New York (which for me is "the world" as I have never lived anywhere else and would not know how to). That does not mean, however, that there is no place for me to sing.  For a long time I have felt a calling to work with the elderly.  Not now really, because I am involved in taking care of my partner.  So beyond singing in senior venues there really is nothing I need to be doing.  But if I outlive her (which I most likely will) I will want something to do, and volunteering to work with the elderly (I imagine this as being one on one; singing to them, particularly, not for applause but to give them their favorite songs, but also talking with them, listening to their stories, and just being with them) will be that something.  It will never fill the hole in my heart that will be there forever when my angel is gone and it will not buy me the respect of "the Forum crowd" but it will fill my soul.

God is knocking on my door here.  I know this.

The question is, will I listen.  Is S/he knocking loud enough to drown out all the self-promotion of the hordes of people who have come here to "make it" in the performing arts, who make me feel so irrelevant and envious?

9-11 Wrap Up and Some Reasons Why I am Happiest Singing in Church

Overall, I would say that the September 11 concert was a success.  I enjoyed participating in it and I hope the woman who produced it will ask me to sing in her Christmas concert.  (She said she would.)

Interestingly (or distressingly) I don't think I sang "Et Exsultavit" as well as I normally do. (I barely got through "salutari", which is usually a walk in the park for me, and took a breath before "meo", which I haven't done in a long time.)  I realize that this is probably because I was at the end of the program and so was probably singing it at 8 pm or later.  And that there was a huge lag time between my last meal (a cheese omelette at 5, because call was at 6) and when I sang.

There was a videographer there and they are going to put it on the producer's YouTube channel.  So I will see what I look and sound like.  If I like it I can post it somewhere.  I also asked if there would be a CD or DVD so that I could show it to my partner, who does not use computers.

My aria was the first piece after the intermission and during the intermission I could feel my energy flagging.  I had a protein bar with me but I worried if I ate it I would have too much phlegm.

In any event, I got a lot of compliments including from two friends whom I just recently reconnected with after over 20 years, so they had never heard me sing.

Mulling this over in my mind made me realize two things about why I love singing in church, which sort of amazes me as I was raised by two atheists, for whom atheism was a prominent belief system, not the result of being too lazy or too busy to attend worship services.

I realize that the reasons for this are twofold.  First, unlike most singers, I sing much better at 11 in the morning than I do at 8 at night.  I certainly wouldn't describe myself as a morning person, on the other hand I am not a night person either.  On the one hand, when I worked in an office I usually arranged things so I could work from 10 to 6, but if I went to the theater or the opera I would always try to go to a matinee (which of course is not in the morning) so that I didn't have to stumble home at night when I was sleepy.  (A dangerous thing for me, walking the short distance from Lincoln Center, which involves crossing six lanes of traffic.)  Probably the time of day when I feel best is between 11 am and about 4 pm, after a healthy breakfast and/or a healthy lunch.  So when I schedule a concert myself it's usually at 3.

Second, and this says a lot about me, I suppose, a church service is about so many other things besides me and my performance that I have spiritual tools right there at hand to keep me calm and centered.  There are prayers to say and a great sermon to listen to.  So by the time I have to get up and sing (usually the anthem or during communion) I know that God is with me.  (Maybe I have such an affinity for church because when I began attending - in 2003, which is when I met the Mentor - I had already spent almost three decades in AA meetings?)  And kidding aside, there is something comforting about looking at the stained-glass window depicting Jesus.  Whether or not he was divine, or rose from the dead, he is a kindly presence.

Well, when all was said and done it was a good experience and a good connection to have made.

One thing The Artist's Way says is that if you go shake an apple tree, you might get oranges, and that you shouldn't throw the oranges in the trash. So maybe my involvement with this woman has shown me that there are many thing one can do with a lovely classically trained voice that are not as demanding or as competitive as singing opera, but that don't require that you lapse into different vocal idioms (e.g. belting) that are not vocally or spiritually comfortable.

But I'm still going to fill out that application for the Ulrica audition.  My artist's "date" for this week is to do that (and reorganize my audition binder) at 4 pm this afternoon.

How Do I Make Myself Believe I Matter?

I'm taking a break from work now preferatory to trudging out in the snow to get groceries (I ordered some online but if I can't see what I'm buying it's often not the thing I really wanted) and feel a need to write.

I'm not sure about what, only that I feel I'm being pulled in two directions at once, in more than one sense.

Self Assessment

I know that I keep singing better and better, and despite my advancing age, keep getting stronger and stronger. With a few months of work for example, I probably could sing most of Amneris in public (giving a pass on the Triumphal Scene with the treacherous C flats).

I now have a respectable pianissimo high G and G sharp, and even an A on good days.

The new exercises my teacher has given me to learn to sing "on the edges of my chords" (AKA with that "heady" sound that so many sopranos and even mezzos come by naturally) have changed my sound dramatically (no pun intended - if anything I sound more "lyric").

On the other hand, the more I scour the backgrounds of people I meet, whether at group aria coachings, or whatever, the smaller and more comtemptibly irrelevant I seem. The other Mother Jeanne from the Carmelites production has her own web site, and quite a nice list of credentials including opera and symphony choruses in top venues and a few mid-sized roles with places that turned me down (one of them was where I sang "Acerba Volutta" and the auditor yelled "Brava" but never offered me anything).

So what do I have? A handful of roles that I don't sing any more at venues that I now know are a joke, that I sang over 30 years ago, some solos at churches that don't pay people, a few concerts in hospitals and nursing homes, and my big expletive deleted deal production of Samson et Dalila that I organized myself.

Self-Definition

Why can't I just be happy to be a nice (unBaptised) churchlady who sings? I remind myself of a character in a Margaret Yorke mystery that I read: an "old maid" who had retired from a management job to a small English village and sang contralto in a Bach choir (a lot of Yorke's novels use choirs as a setting) but did not take communion because she couldn't bring herself to believe in a lot of the church doctrines. Other than my lack of a birth religion, I fit right in there with the music-loving amateur choir singers with good intonation and good taste. Or I could if I squashed the diva in me who is always screaming. Be one of the best of the bunch. Not on a par with paid soloists of course (although I sound as good as many of them) but good enough to sing a church solo in a limited range (and with the breath control to sing anything Bach wrote without taking a breath in a wimpy place!)

As my partner said "I have a lot". I have a livelihood that doesn't require my going anywhere, a dream apartment that I pay very little for, and someone to love who loves me.

But I won't give up. There's a part of me that only comes alive when I sing Verdi and verismo or Carmen or Dalila, or, sigh, Mother Marie.

If I were, even, 40 !!!! I might matter to someone but at 60??? I don't even think I matter that much to my teacher. Even though he continues to compliment me on my overall progress (and nitpick at the things that are still not right) he has sort of let the idea of our concert drop. Maybe at the nursing home, he said. He and some other people do a free concert once a year in a big venue and when I asked about it (the mezzo who sang last time did not sound as good as I do and he even begrudgingly admitted it) he never offered me anything.

And I just have run out of energy. I don't mean I've run out of energy to sing, or even to keep practicing, but I've run out of energy to treat myself as if I matter.