A Lovely Night, Some Pictures, and an Attempt to Build a Bulwark against Post-Performance Depression

The concert last night was a lovely occasion.  For the most part, I think I sang well, certainly the aria from Handel's Joshua.  That is the type of thing I sing really well: fast moving in an upper middle register with no sustained high notes.  I am going to try to see if I can sing it as a summer anthem next year.

The place was full, so even though only one of the people I personally invited actually came, I was not disappointed by the turnout.  The purpose of this concert is to provide solace on that day for people living in the building.  I wish more of them had come to Carmen, but that's water under the bridge.

One of the women in the audience even asked me if I had sung at the Met!!! That's the type of audience I need to find more of.  People who love classical music but don't know all that much about it.  My friends, unfortunately, are only going to come to these things to hear me and be supportive.  If they want to hear music, they know, in this huge city full of free events, where to find it.  I think next time I do something big I have to find a new marketing strategy, and the market is not going to be the people who come to the chamber music series at the church, it has to be a different segment.

One great thing that happened is I made friends with a lovely soprano (actually, she had sung Micaela's aria at one of the living room events where I sang the duet from Carmen with my tenor, and she had actually been my first choice for Micaela) and we are going to work on the Aida/Amneris duet together.  I am dying to sing that again.  I know I sing it very well; the last time I sang it in public I didn't because I was in a room where the air conditioner had not been cleaned properly.

Technically I continue to make huge breakthroughs.  (I hesitate to write about technique here because I can say one thing works and there will always be someone telling me to do the opposite.)  I finally (think I) know what to do to open my mouth and sing a high B flat off the cuff.  It really is about lowering my larynx as my teacher always said, but I can't do that (apparently) by yawning or anything else that's "gentle".  I have to push it down by making a (silent) "woofy" "h" sound and then sing the note.  Most of my problems with high singing (I finally figured out) are the result of my having an involuntary "gag" reflex that kicks in.  My teacher said a lot of people who start singing when they're older have that problem because the muscles that make a big pharyngeal space are not flexible in older people.  These are not muscles that people use who are not singing, unlike abdominal muscles, which some people who are not singers do use.

In any event, I need to find something asap to ward off post-performance depression.  It hit me particularly hard after Carmen because I thought the concert producer was angry that I didn't bring in more people (and I was deeply disappointed by this - see previous paragraphs).  Also that month was the month of "Little Miss Conservatory's" senior recital and that was what everyone in the choir was buzzing about and I was aware that people who wouldn't have been caught dead at any concert I threw together went to see and hear that.

So next up is to look at the Bach piece we are singing for Reformation Sunday and see if it is part of a larger work with an alto solo.  And pick something for Advent.

To finish on an upbeat note, here are some pictures.  The one in the church is of me singing "Erfreute Zeit" and the other is of me and the lovely soprano, before last night's concert.

A Week in Paradise

I haven't written in a long time, mostly because not much is happening on the singing front.  The choir is on hiatus.  We have three dates to sing in the summer, but we don't have weeknight rehearsals; we just show up at 10:15 the morning of the service.

I will be singing the bravura alto cantata solo "Erfreute Zeit", which I have mentioned often, on August 31.

I am still looking for things to sing on September 11.  We were given some instructions regarding what to sing, one of which was that the accompaniment couldn't be too difficult to play.  The producer nixed my original suggestions, so I am going to ask her about doing Haydn's "When I Think Upon Thy Goodness" (the music is upbeat and the text is perfect) and Schumann's "Requiem".  This latter is something I have wanted to learn for a while.  It is not a dreary Requiem.  It mentions Heaven and angels, and is similar in vocal style and message to the Wagner "Angel" that I have sung frequently.  I hope she likes these.  Together, they come to 6 minutes.  I have sung the Haydn in church, but not recently.

As for the title of this post, I took a week's vacation, in honor of my partner's 80th birthday.  I can't afford it as I don't even earn enough to pay my bills (I have been taking money out of my mother's savings account, just to squeak by until I can collect Social Security, which will be now in exactly two years as I will be 64 next week.)  But not everyone gets to have an 80th birthday, and I have not been away from New York for 5 years.  I have no excuse to travel as I don't have work that requires it and I don't have relatives.  If my friends want to see me they can come here, and most of them do.  (Most of them have a lot more money than I do.)

We went to Ogunquit, Maine, where we went every summer in the 90s.  We then went again in 2009.  We stay at The Beachmere inn (http://www.beachmereinn.com/) in a room called "The Mayfair Studio", which overlooks a Japanese garden that is not like anything else I have ever seen.

I think this will be our last time there, because the room is at the top of a flight of stairs at the top of a hill, and it was too much for my partner to manage.  We had to hire a private "beach caddy" to take us to our door because the trolley stop was at the bottom of the hill.  This is where we want our ashes scattered, and it is what, to us, Heaven looks like.  I didn't sing for a week, and I didn't work.  It was a necessary change of scene.  I guess our next trip will be in August of 2016, after I am collecting Social Security.  We will probably take a guided tour up into various parts of New England, because we cannot handle baggage.  She is too frail to carry even one suitcase, and I can barely manage one, let alone two, and I can't handle any baggage on stairs or an escalator.

I am now back to singing and working.

What Goes Up Must Come Down

Well, the day after my bookstore success, I tripped on the pavement and fell smack on my left knee: the one with the six screws and the metal plate over it.  It was very badly bruised and swollen and I was very shaken up.  I was on my way to my partner's for my chores weekend (I was planning not to come Sunday so I could sing with the choir and watch the movie Quartet at the church afterwards)so I went there and got into bed and put ice on it.

I called the surgeon who had operated on my knee and he got back to me Saturday morning and told me to go to the urgent care center at the hospital where I had had the surgery.  I found out nothing was broken, just badly bruised.  I was told, in fact, that the metal plate had probably saved my knee from breaking.  They told me to wear a knee immobilizer and walk with a cane (I had already been doing that after I fell) for a week.  I came back from the hospital and ended up still needing to do my partner's grocery shopping.  It makes me sad beyond anyone's imagination that I have gotten to be 63 and she has gotten to be almost 80 and there is no one, paid or unpaid, that she can call on an ad hoc basis who will be helpful.  No neighbors, nothing.  People just don't care.  Of the mutual friends that we've had since we've known each other, some have died, some have moved, and the rest either spend every other month with grandchildren, or traveling on their big fat pensions.  This just astounds me.  When I was growing up (is this because there were women who stayed home??) if someone was injured, sick, recently widowed, etc. people would call and say "is there anything I can do to be helpful?"  You just don't hear that any more.  I actually have more people who would help me, thanks to my involvement with this church and the fact that my building has a tenants association.  Anyhow, I begged off singing this morning (if nothing else, the elevator at the church is broken) and the woman in charge of the September concert told me not to come to rehearsal Monday; she is mainly using the time slot to audition a pianist and two other singers.  All I have to do is scan the music for my two solos and email it to the pianist.  She will have to play part of the flute part to "Primary Colors".  Other than the two solos I will be singing two duets: the Barcarole from Hoffman and the lullaby from Hansel and Gretel.  One change, though, is that the lyric soprano might not be singing those (she is singing a song by Samuel Barber).  There may be a mezzo singing with me in which case I will sing the top part.  So I was told to learn both parts to both duets.  The highest note is a G so it certainly will not be a problem to sing either part.

In other news, I don't know if I'm being paranoid, but I was upset because a voice teacher who is a prolific writer (whom I am friends with on Facebook) wrote about all the bad Youtube videos she has seen lately.  I hope she wasn't referring to my Habanera video.  I have to remember she sees a lot of bad stuff.  Not to be a snob, but I know she teaches both classical and nonclassical singers, and if there are classical singers who sing badly, there are a lot of would-be nonclassical singers who can't sing at all or even carry a tune.

I also see that Regina Resnik died.

I remember seeing her in a dress rehearsal of Carmen when I was in high school and not being impressed.  She did not have a wig or makeup on (unusual for those dress rehearsals; usually they are practically indistinguishable from performances) and I thought she looked blousy and decidedly un-Carmen-like.  On the other hand, this voice teacher I just mentioned thought she was the greatest Carmen who ever lived.  So maybe I was too immature to appreciate her.  She certainly was a great artist, I will say that.  I always feel pride when I read about a singer who came from New York.  There were quite a few in that era but not very many now, which is something I have written about.  She also began singing heavy dramatic roles when she was very young, which didn't seem to do her any harm at all.

A Lot Going On

Well, I suppose that expression is relative...

First, the bookstore gig.  An actress friend of my SO's was upset that I was being "taken advantage of" by not being paid, as this publisher is a commercial enterprise.  So I asked around, and the most succinct advice I got was from a former boss of mine, when I was in a management position in publishing, who is a publishing law expert (although he is not a lawyer).  He said the most important thing is that I need to have a contract stipulating what the publisher can do with the video they are making and what I can do with it.  If the video is my "payment", then I need a written statement that I can use it for personal promotional purposes.  Regarding pay, most of the people I spoke to didn't see this as so much of an issue because the company is using the video to sell copies of a new printing of Merimee's Loves of Carmen, which will not exactly be a big money maker.  The issue, my ex-boss said was being sure everything is in writing, which I certainly remember from my days as a Managing Editor.  So how things are at this moment, is that the woman from the publisher sent me a draft contract to sign and I made a few changes to it and am waiting to hear back with a revision.

The September 12 concert is taking shape.  In addition to my two solos ("Primary Colors" by Jake Heggie and "Angel" by Wagner) I may be singing two duets with a lyric soprano: the "Barcarole" from Hoffman (which I sang decades ago in my former persona as a trouser mezzo), and an abbreviated version of the duet from Hansel and Gretel, which I have also sung.

And the best news of all is that the woman producing this concert is eager for her singers to produce their own concerts in the room in her apartment complex (which is a very nice place to sing; clean and well kept, not like the studio where I sang the Verdi and almost choked to death), so I am going to definitely do the scenes from Carmen and will ask someone else to something for the other half (and I will need a tenor for Don Jose).  I proffered a few Saturday and Sunday afternoon dates in  May (I sing better in the afternoon) and she is going to get back to me.  After that I can start making plans!

Benchmarking

I know I always feel compelled to write when I am sad, so I owe it to my readers to also write when I am happy!

Tuesday night was the kickoff rehearsal for the September 12 concert, and I sang really well.  I can really tell how far I've come when I sing "Angel" because it was the second solo I sang after being "discovered" (actually "Mon Coeur" was the third; I just date that Valentine's Day as being the beginning of it all, because that was when I changed forever), and I have also sung it numerous times at the Lutheran church.  True, it is easier to sing if I am not terrified of singing one notch above pp, but also my voice is more open.  I have found that "headspace" that all the good female singers have, even the amateurs, that I never did.  So of course I am terrified that I am going to lose it.  (Talk about neurotic!)  The reason, though, is I have made vocal breakthroughs before, and they have not held.  Although I think this is different.  Can it all be the result of using the Neti pot?  I think things began to improve when my teacher had me focus on getting rid of the "gargly" sound that I had in my upper passaggio.  We had never focused on that before because we were mostly (not very successfully) working on high notes and (successfully) on getting rid of the break in my lower passaggio.  But when I began examining the problem with the top F, I realized that it was caused by my not having "room" behind my soft palate which was at least in part caused by all the sinus drainage I had, which I never really noticed. In any event, whether it's thanks to the Neti pot, or just practice, practice, practice, I now am able to lift my palate, which seems to not only make it easier to sing higher (the B flat is easy sailing now, although I still have to sing another note first ) but makes my entire voice sound better and less "obstructed".

Anyhow, the woman producing the concert told me how great I sounded.  The last time she heard me was December, when I was singing some Spanish Christmas-themed art songs that called for a "lighter" sound.  What is interesting about "Angel" is as it is part of Wagner's Wesendonck Lieder, it is not written for a light voice, it is written for a heavy voice singing softly.  So in the concert I am going to sing "Angel" and "Primary Colors" (by Jake Heggie).  We had to scrap "Love is" by Heggie because the producer said that she knows no pianist who could play the accompaniment.  My coach could probably play it, as could my choir director, but we will not be getting anyone at that level.

And everything is set for my bookstore "Habanera".  I will tell my partner about it on August 3, after all my birthday celebrations are over.  Who knows?  Maybe she won't mind.

And to top it all off, a "friend" (can't give details here) sent me a big bouquet of flowers.  I was quite surprised.  This diva always loves to get flowers.

Some Things Taking Shape

Next Tuesday is the first rehearsal for the September 11 concert (which this year will be on September 12).  I spoke with the woman planning it, and we agreed that I would bring the two Jake Heggie songs, Wagner's "Angel", "O Rest in the Lord", and Dvorak's "God is My Shepherd".  If she likes the Heggie songs I will try to get a flautist.  I need to drill these with the accompaniment.  This may mean that I need to buy a CD, because the sound on my computer isn't really loud enough to let me hear where I'm supposed to come in.

"Angel" felt much easier to sing even than it did in December.  Part of that is that I don't have to sing the entire piece ppp because most people are not as big sticklers about pianissimi as my choir director is, who seems to want everything at least one degree softer than what's written.

My singing in general feels easier, even (dare I say it) the B in the "Seguidilla".  One thing my teacher told me is that if I start my vocalizing routine lower, my voice will be anchored more and it will be easier to go higher, which, surprisingly, has seemed to work.  I also think using the Neti pot religiously has made it easier to lift my soft palate.  I think some of the problems I had with my upper register were caused by my having so much sinus drainage back there (something a lay person might not notice) that it was weighting down my palate and making it impossible to make space.

Also, details are firming up regarding my singing the "Habanera" at the bookstore.  I think I will tell my partner that I got this gig through someone I sent a publishing resume (aka my job resume) to.  I put at the bottom that I am a church soloist.  If she thinks I found out about the gig that way she will be less angry than she would if she thought I was trawling singer message boards.  Of course she may probably say something about my wanting to "display" myself (my costume does show some cleavage) but I will do what I can to blow that off.  (Really it never ceases to amaze me how much Lesbians have in common with right-wing fundamentalists when it comes to women's clothing.)  I also am not going to tell her about it until the week before, because my birthday is at the end of July and I don't want her to use being angry at me about this thing to cause her to do something vindictive (I mean all she can afford to do is join with one or two friends to take me out to lunch, and buy me some flowers, but still...)

I told the woman from the publisher that "in lieu of payment" I would like a copy of the videotape that she is going to have made, so that I can use it for my own promotional purposes.  If I had had one made, I probably would have had to pay several hundred dollars, so it seems fair.

This afternoon I am off to my lesson.

Back to Business

First, at my voice lesson yesterday my teacher and I finalized that what I should do for my 2014 concert is excerpts from Carmen.

He thought I should do:

Habanera
Sequidilla (as a duet)
Song and dance duet
Card Scene
Death Scene

This will require a tenor, and then I can let someone else do something else for the second half of the program.  Maybe the Spanish woman would like to do something.  After September 11 I will get in touch with her about using the performance space.

My teacher feels that I sing this material well (if I am still not comfortable with the B in the "Seguidilla" - although it is sounding better than it ever has - I can transpose that page down a half step).

And the work I did on Werther is not wasted.  I sing the "Letter Scene" very well, and it is something I can use for another time.

For September 11 I hope I can sing one or two of the Jake Heggie songs.  The Spanish woman knows a flautist who might be able to play the accompaniment.

And I have a definite date to sing the Bach "Laudamus te" for a church solo with the violinist.

So I feel back in the swing of things.

I'm also hoping that my involvement with the writing class prods me to finish the "Cinderella" play and do something with it.

Up Next

I have a few tidbits coming up, so I thought this would be a good time to document them.

I realize that as long as I have some solo singing on the horizon, no matter how humble, I feel more optimistic than when I don't.  Choral singing is spiritually and musically nourishing, and the "fellowship" is very special (which is why I am still doing it), but it doesn't satisfy me where I live.

So, ok, what's next?

The woman from the publisher is still interested in my singing the "Habanera" in a bookstore (or several).  I was worried that if she somehow either found this blog, or found me on Facebook, even a few small details, she would see how old I am and beg off.  Well, apparently not.  So that will be in August.  I wonder what my SO will make of it?  Will she disparage me for doing something I don't get paid for?  Say something foul-minded about what I will be wearing and that I will be doing this to "display myself" immodestly? (One reason why I stopped defining myself as Lesbian - even though, other than the Mentor, most of my attractions are to women - is because I really can't stand the prudery and it is certainly rampant among the "woman identified woman" generation.)  Well, really, what can she do about it?  Say she will never speak to me again and lose her grocery shopper and laundress?  Unlikely.

Next, the wonderful thing that happened as a result of this gig was that I revisited the score of Carmen and I have fallen in love with the role again.  Initially, I had wanted to do a pocket version of the opera as a follow-up to Samson et Dalila, but many things intervened.  I don't care for the big ensembles (listening to them, yes, singing them sandwiched in the middle of a quintet, no - I do enough of that in choir), and the multiple versions of the recitatives, but my teacher showed me how to excerpt a few of the duets, and I think they will be great.  I was even pleasantly surprised at how I was able to manage something with that B at the end of the "Seguidilla".  It is easier in the actual duet because you have a break between the bulk of the aria and that last bit.  And if I am really worried, I can have that last page transposed down a half step, which would not be noticed by anyone who doesn't have perfect pitch, and is, in fact, what Grace Bumbry does on the recording. Then there's the sexy dance duet with the tenor's "Flower Song" in the middle. And lastly, the death scene, which of course is very dramatic.  I sang through that at my lesson yesterday.  My teacher said I had a lot of old bad habits in the "Seguidilla" (singing what he calls "shallowly" or "crooning") because I hadn't really sung it since I am using a more open position and more support.  So he told me to sing through it on "aw" a few times and then try singing the words again.

He really likes the idea of my doing some excerpts from this as part of the concert, so I have decided now to scrap that difficult page from Werther.  If I want to sing something from Werther I can do the "Letter Scene".  And then maybe something from Samson et Dalila.  Or maybe just the excerpts from Carmen and buddy up with someone who can do something else for the other half of the program.

I donated a small amount to the Spanish woman's campaign, which put me back in the frame for her, which was worth it, because she invited me to sing again in her September 11 concert.  I may try to do some of the Jake Heggie songs.  I have been working on "Primary Colors" (that would also be good for a church solo) and the second half of "More is Required" which is called "Love is".  That might also be good for a church solo.

Also, now that I am on this woman's A list again, I will feel free to ask her if I can use the performance space in her building.  I will also be open to her suggestions as to what to put on a concert program.  Maybe she will sing something for the other half of the program (something Spanish, to pair with Carmen?)

Lastly, I am still playing tag with the choir director about a summer solo.  The violinist will not be around much, so I may do the "Laudamus te" without him.  Or there is another violinist I might ask, although I don't know if he can play Bach.  I really want to do something upbeat, because during the regular season I can only sing slow quiet things for communion.

And next week is the writing class.  It will be a challenge to find the right balance between writing my truth, and being careful about what I say in front of my choir colleagues, etc.  I think most of the people in the class will be women around my age and I have varying levels of trust with regard to them.  What I have to remember is, as with singing, if I want to be "somebody", not everyone is going to like me, and that's OK.

9-11 Wrap Up and Some Reasons Why I am Happiest Singing in Church

Overall, I would say that the September 11 concert was a success.  I enjoyed participating in it and I hope the woman who produced it will ask me to sing in her Christmas concert.  (She said she would.)

Interestingly (or distressingly) I don't think I sang "Et Exsultavit" as well as I normally do. (I barely got through "salutari", which is usually a walk in the park for me, and took a breath before "meo", which I haven't done in a long time.)  I realize that this is probably because I was at the end of the program and so was probably singing it at 8 pm or later.  And that there was a huge lag time between my last meal (a cheese omelette at 5, because call was at 6) and when I sang.

There was a videographer there and they are going to put it on the producer's YouTube channel.  So I will see what I look and sound like.  If I like it I can post it somewhere.  I also asked if there would be a CD or DVD so that I could show it to my partner, who does not use computers.

My aria was the first piece after the intermission and during the intermission I could feel my energy flagging.  I had a protein bar with me but I worried if I ate it I would have too much phlegm.

In any event, I got a lot of compliments including from two friends whom I just recently reconnected with after over 20 years, so they had never heard me sing.

Mulling this over in my mind made me realize two things about why I love singing in church, which sort of amazes me as I was raised by two atheists, for whom atheism was a prominent belief system, not the result of being too lazy or too busy to attend worship services.

I realize that the reasons for this are twofold.  First, unlike most singers, I sing much better at 11 in the morning than I do at 8 at night.  I certainly wouldn't describe myself as a morning person, on the other hand I am not a night person either.  On the one hand, when I worked in an office I usually arranged things so I could work from 10 to 6, but if I went to the theater or the opera I would always try to go to a matinee (which of course is not in the morning) so that I didn't have to stumble home at night when I was sleepy.  (A dangerous thing for me, walking the short distance from Lincoln Center, which involves crossing six lanes of traffic.)  Probably the time of day when I feel best is between 11 am and about 4 pm, after a healthy breakfast and/or a healthy lunch.  So when I schedule a concert myself it's usually at 3.

Second, and this says a lot about me, I suppose, a church service is about so many other things besides me and my performance that I have spiritual tools right there at hand to keep me calm and centered.  There are prayers to say and a great sermon to listen to.  So by the time I have to get up and sing (usually the anthem or during communion) I know that God is with me.  (Maybe I have such an affinity for church because when I began attending - in 2003, which is when I met the Mentor - I had already spent almost three decades in AA meetings?)  And kidding aside, there is something comforting about looking at the stained-glass window depicting Jesus.  Whether or not he was divine, or rose from the dead, he is a kindly presence.

Well, when all was said and done it was a good experience and a good connection to have made.

One thing The Artist's Way says is that if you go shake an apple tree, you might get oranges, and that you shouldn't throw the oranges in the trash. So maybe my involvement with this woman has shown me that there are many thing one can do with a lovely classically trained voice that are not as demanding or as competitive as singing opera, but that don't require that you lapse into different vocal idioms (e.g. belting) that are not vocally or spiritually comfortable.

But I'm still going to fill out that application for the Ulrica audition.  My artist's "date" for this week is to do that (and reorganize my audition binder) at 4 pm this afternoon.

Synchronicity

Just as the breakthrough with my singing has held, the breakthrough with my spirit has held also.


The Artist's Way mentions the concept of syncronicity, which no matter how hard I try, I can't wrap my head around. Actually reading this Wikipedia entry has helped a little. In some ways it sounds a bit like New Age blather: if you ask the Universe for something and listen, it will appear.

I think what does happen is that if you become unconflicted about something, you are more likely to say "yes" to things along the way, which will bring you closer to your goal.

I am very happy about the relationship I have formed with the woman producing the September 11 concert.  She is a highly trained professional classical singer, who is also a teacher and coach, but is not immersed in the world of aspiring opera singers in their 20s, 30s, and 40s who can sing, act, and talk circles around someone like me.  She is probably about my age.  So, for example, when I asked if I could produce a concert of opera scenes in the space in her apartment complex, she said yes, I could do it if she sponsored me, and that we could talk about it.  So "Viva Verismo!" may have a home.

I also am really excited about some new music I discovered - songs by Jake Heggie set to poems by     Sister Helen Prejean.  Heggie wrote the opera Dead Man Walking which is about Sister Helen and a man who is executed for murder. One of the songs, "I Live My Life in Primary Colors", would be suitable for church, and another, "More is Required" might work for next year's September 11 concert, if I get asked back.  And the songs have a flute accompaniment.  And this woman knows a flutist and has performed a concert of songs for voice and flute.  So who knows where that could lead?

This afternoon I have a voice lesson and will see how I sound singing Ulrica's aria.  I don't know about the low G at the end.  The rest of it should not be difficult.  I have never sung it, but I have heard it numerous times.  If not, I will wait for the next audition opportunity, and think about how/whether to make my aria package more age appropriate.

Concert Progress

I have written very little this month, which is totally out of character.  First of all, my partner is in the middle of a crisis, albeit this time one not of her own making.  She lives on the sixth floor of a seven story building, and for going on 14 days now, the elevator has not been working.  It worked briefly over this past weekend, but then went out again, possibly because an inspector from the Department of Buildings came (at the tenants' request) and then declared the elevator unsafe? In any event, this situation deserves big time compensation for the tenants, but they have to organize and fight for it, otherwise all that will happen is the landlord will be fined.

The good news is she has recovered from her cataract surgery (on one eye) and just needs new glasses now.  She can have the other eye done next year and then get another pair of new glasses.  I had to walk her down and back up the stairs to go to her follow-up appointment.  Tomorrow she has to go to the pulmonologist and says she thinks if she walks slowly she can get down and back up the stairs.  She has severe COPD, a heart condition, a replaced hip, and dicey vision with her old glasses.  She has not yet asked me to come with her and walk her, but I could do it if I trade it off for another time chunk to myself.

But this is yet again a validation of my heartbreak over my inability to have any kind of fulfilling "third act" to my life because I am so emotionally drained from caregiving.  The situation with my partner is heartbreaking, and the fact that my life is going down the drain, at least to some extent, is also heartbreaking.

Amidst all this, however, I think this concert is going well, at least the group is one in which I feel comfortable.  Of course that is because I am one of the more experienced and trained performers, which is always where I flourish best.  I do well with criticism in one on one sessions, then going forth somewhere were I don't feel totally outclassed and hence ignored.  There is one other woman in this group with a big operatic voice that needs some fine tuning, who is probably not much younger than I am.

On a technical note, the woman producing the concert (who is very nice, supportive, and knowledgeable) has a totally different approach to vowels, from that of my teacher.  He always tells me to sing "aw" on the vowel "ah" because "ah" easily becomes "ang" (like in the name "Anne"), which causes the voice to spread and makes it difficult to sing higher.  Well, this woman told people to put an "ang" in the "ah".  I am singing "Et Exsultavit" which is an easy range, so it really doesn't matter.  She wants me to look happy and smile when I sing it and use bright vowels.  As I said, it is in an easy range so it doesn't matter how I sing the vowels.  All that matters is singing that long phrase on "salutari" on one breath, which is easy for me to do and seems to impress people.

I am also going to sing the Dvorak "God is my Shepherd".  She didn't like the Handel "Heroes" piece.  She said it was too low for me and did not show off my voice.  She also said I was a lyric mezzo, which is interesting.  I suppose I sound like one (or like a "second soprano", which is not an opera, but only an oratorio fach) when I sing church music.  I do tend to be most comfortable singing things that sit in an upper middle register but don't go too high.

I also have a few solo lines in a version of "This Little Light of Mine" that I am singing as a trio with two other women.

In any event, this should be a nice concert (it will be a mix of classical and non-classical music and poetry readings) and I like the people participating very much.

In a little while I will go practice, hope that those newfound Bs and Cs are still there, and do some work on the Requiem.

August Has Begun Auspiciously

After yesterday's less than upbeat post, I want to start the month off optimistically.

I think I really do have a spot in the September 11 concert (I was told to come to the next rehearsal and bring what I would like to sing) which will be small, but it will be a place to sing in an event planned by someone else than me.

Chapter 8 of the Artist's Way says to write down what you see as "true North", which to them means what would signal to you that you are who you would like to be as an artist.

For me as a classical singer, the (realistic) true North would be to be cast by someone else in a leading role in an opera (pay optional) or an oratorio with an orchestra (pay would be nice - I think I'm competitive in this repertoire).  So this is just a small concert which will be a mix of classical and nonclassical music, poetry, reminiscences, and other things, but it's a start.

I hope to be singing at least two, maybe three, selections.  On the table are the Dvorak "God is My Shepherd", the Bach "Et exsultavit" from the Magnificat in D, which I also will be singing in church on September 16 and/or the "Laudamus te" from the B Minor Mass, and - I hope I can keep this - a really fun Handel aria from Joshua about heroes, which I think is perfect for the occasion, as it will capture the heroism that occurred on that day.  Here is a link to a version sung by a counter tenor.

http://youtu.be/MiXtwPjgXiM