I now - for now - seem to be back in the swing of things. I have three things going on right now: the Christmas concerts, choir (I now have two solos scheduled between now and Epiphany), and the Requiem.
The Christmas concerts have turned out to be a little disappointing. The pianist is not proficient enough to play the Spanish art songs so instead of singing three I will be singing only one, which the director may very well play herself. And one Spanish Christmas carol as a solo. Otherwise it is six women singing Christmas and Chanukah songs in two part harmony. The director seems to think I am a soprano, which is fine.
I have gotten so much conflicting information about my voice type over the years. If I can barely reach a high C (and this is something that never changes; all that has changed is that the notes I do have - up to a B - sound better more consistently and I have lost the break I used to have above middle C) I am not a soprano, at least not where opera is concerned. On the other hand, I am most comfortable singing in the upper middle part of my voice, which means for choral purposes I am a second soprano not an alto. I would say even for oratorio solo purposes. I am not someone who sings "O Thou That Tellest Good Tidings to Zion" well. I sound much better singing "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth".
But when I posted something about my vocal "sweet spot" (F to F on the staff) on the the Forum, a well-respected voice teacher said that meant I was a "low mezzo". Huh? I think of low mezzos as, well, women who love singing "O Thou that Tellest".
Interestingly, the woman who runs these seasonal concerts is always telling me to sing "brighter" vowels, while my teacher tells me to sing "darker" vowels. Both of them want my voice to be freer, so who is right? I know when I first started studying I had been artificially "whitening" my voice to sound like a soprano (what I call my "fake Julie Andrews voice", which actually serves me quite well up to a G or G sharp but does not easily go higher) which my teacher said was choking off the higher notes by making them "spread". Although now I find if I sing "happy", on some of the high climaxes (involving As and A flats) it makes those notes easier.
And I seem to have finally found a real head resonance. Is that because I am being diligent about blasting all the crud out of my sinuses? I think I was always congested behind my nasal passages, which is not something I ever noticed until I began trying to figure out why I had such a "gargly" sound in my upper passagio. Anyhow, after the New Year I am going to get a referral to an ENT. I have always been leery of getting on the merry-go-round of medication for nasal stuff because it either makes you speedy or makes you sleepy and I have seen my partner spend a lifetime, more or less, being partially dysfunctional due to the combination of asthma medicines and allergy medicines. But who knows? Maybe the ENT will have some other kind of advice. I am using nasal spray but what happens is it loosens up all the junk and then I spend hours "snuffling" although eventually it gets cleared out.
But getting back to the Christmas concerts, I really like the woman in charge of these because she is nice and friendly and treats me with respect, which I find people rarely do in the talent-stuffed New York singing scene.
As for choir, I am definitely singing a solo (one of the Spanish art songs) on Epiphany, and will probably sing Wagner's "Angel" song on Annunciation Sunday (the third Sunday in Advent). That is one of our pastor's favorite songs. It was the second solo I sang after I was "discovered" ("Mon Coeur" was actually the third - the first was "Dido's Lament") and was chosen for me by the choir director at the Unitarian church to sing at Christmas and I have kept it in my repertoire ever since. It will be interesting to hear how that pianissimo high G sounds with my improved technique.
Last but not least, tonight is the kickoff rehearsal for the Requiem. At first my partner was teed off, but it is only an hour, and this is something I have been planning for over a year. I am responsible for assembling the singers and pianist and arranging rehearsals, the church will donate the space and give the ticket money to the social outreach program of their choice, and will handle the marketing and promotion.
The purpose of this rehearsal will be to finalize cuts and sing through the big ensemble pieces. The soprano is the one who sang in my Verdi concert and the tenor is a friend of my teacher's who sings in the Met chorus. I am lucky to have him. The only problem is the bass. He is someone I know from Facebook (I think he friended me after meeting me at an audition) and he said he was working on the Requiem and yes, would be interested in this (he can just view it as a big rehearsal) but that Thursday was not a good day to rehearse. So I said we could probably switch to Tuesday after the New Year but that I just wanted to know if he could make the rehearsal today. Over the course of two weeks I have sent him emails and left a message on his cell phone but have not heard anything. I am pretty sure he is still in the land of the living because I think he has posted things on Facebook. So - huh??
Well, if I don't hear from him by the end of 2012 I will try to get someone else.
And I will line up someone to be on "partner patrol" in case she has a (real or manufactured, but not life threatening) crisis the week leading up to the concert.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Gratitude or Giving Up?
A while back I posted something on Facebook (was it as long ago as last Thanksgiving?) where I said I found it hard to tell the difference between gratitude and laziness.
People think I am not grateful because I so often feel frustrated at how anonymous and irrelevant I feel...no matter how well I sing (or do anything for that matter) I am surrounded in this city and particularly in this neighborhood by a suffocating mass of people who can do it better.
It is easy to say, OK, I have it pretty good. I have someone who loves me, however flawed our relationship is, something to do for a modest living that I can do on my own schedule, a cheap apartment in a pricey ZIP code, not to mention that I am old enough now to know that no matter who is President, I, personally, will not fall through the cracks. I spent 35 years bored out of my wits for most of the day and what I have to show for it is two 401ks and health insurance for life. And now I earn little enough that I could probably qualify for lower middle income subsidized senior housing if I lost this apartment.
But I have this huge hunger in me to be somebody and in this environment I am nobody even if I leave the house every day flawlessly made up, looking like I am going for a photo shoot or at the very least a curtain call....no mean feat at 62 when nobody cares how I look but me and my significant other. It ain't in my job description.
Lately I have just felt like giving up. One thing I learned (surprisingly) during the hurricane was how lovely it was to lie in bed in the dark (I could have done with a little heat) listening to the radio with my significant other with few pressures other than having to run home for a few hours a day to work at my laptop (I had power in the apartment, she didn't). The competition was on hold
I want to run away to Ogunquit Maine. Almost every summer we spent a week here. And this picture doesn't even do it justice. This room looks out on a Japanese garden that was written up in a magazine (I can't remember which one, now).
Just think if I lived in Ogunquit. Well, I would have to walk everywhere except in July and August when the trolley is running, which would mean walking the equivalent of ten blocks, possibly in the snow, to buy overpriced groceries at a small convenience store. Or maybe there might be someplace I could order groceries online? There would only be one church within walking distance, and chances are I would get to be the star soloist full stop. I would get bored pretty quickly...there are a few art galleries and a summer theater from which I would have to walk home the equivalent of 15 blocks with a flashlight, because it's not on the trolley route, and two movie theaters. Maybe once a month or so I could take the bus to Portland but I would probably only get to spend 4 hours there because the last bus gets back fairly early, I think. I would be bored, but I wouldn't feel like I was drowning at the bottom of a pool of talent, so far down at the bottom of the pool that no one can even see my nose.
If I hadn't been born in New York it would be easy. I could go "home", presumably somewhere where I would be a bigger fish than I am here, and I would feel less overwhelmed. But I have noplace to go home to.
I could choose to live a simple life here: just close my eyes to the mass of talented people, never go to another audition, stop reading Classical Singer, unfriend all the working singers on Facebook who don't know me and certainly don't care about me even if we met once or twice at a "meetup", and be an unpaid choir soloist and go caroling in nursing homes and sing a few art songs. But is that giving up? Is that admitting that I am a failure? Or is it being grateful?
Next week I have the first rehearsal for this Requiem that I have been planning for over a year. I will probably get flak about it from my significant other, but I will deal with it. Maybe this will be the last "big" thing I will ever do.
People think I am not grateful because I so often feel frustrated at how anonymous and irrelevant I feel...no matter how well I sing (or do anything for that matter) I am surrounded in this city and particularly in this neighborhood by a suffocating mass of people who can do it better.
It is easy to say, OK, I have it pretty good. I have someone who loves me, however flawed our relationship is, something to do for a modest living that I can do on my own schedule, a cheap apartment in a pricey ZIP code, not to mention that I am old enough now to know that no matter who is President, I, personally, will not fall through the cracks. I spent 35 years bored out of my wits for most of the day and what I have to show for it is two 401ks and health insurance for life. And now I earn little enough that I could probably qualify for lower middle income subsidized senior housing if I lost this apartment.
But I have this huge hunger in me to be somebody and in this environment I am nobody even if I leave the house every day flawlessly made up, looking like I am going for a photo shoot or at the very least a curtain call....no mean feat at 62 when nobody cares how I look but me and my significant other. It ain't in my job description.
Lately I have just felt like giving up. One thing I learned (surprisingly) during the hurricane was how lovely it was to lie in bed in the dark (I could have done with a little heat) listening to the radio with my significant other with few pressures other than having to run home for a few hours a day to work at my laptop (I had power in the apartment, she didn't). The competition was on hold
I want to run away to Ogunquit Maine. Almost every summer we spent a week here. And this picture doesn't even do it justice. This room looks out on a Japanese garden that was written up in a magazine (I can't remember which one, now).
Just think if I lived in Ogunquit. Well, I would have to walk everywhere except in July and August when the trolley is running, which would mean walking the equivalent of ten blocks, possibly in the snow, to buy overpriced groceries at a small convenience store. Or maybe there might be someplace I could order groceries online? There would only be one church within walking distance, and chances are I would get to be the star soloist full stop. I would get bored pretty quickly...there are a few art galleries and a summer theater from which I would have to walk home the equivalent of 15 blocks with a flashlight, because it's not on the trolley route, and two movie theaters. Maybe once a month or so I could take the bus to Portland but I would probably only get to spend 4 hours there because the last bus gets back fairly early, I think. I would be bored, but I wouldn't feel like I was drowning at the bottom of a pool of talent, so far down at the bottom of the pool that no one can even see my nose.
If I hadn't been born in New York it would be easy. I could go "home", presumably somewhere where I would be a bigger fish than I am here, and I would feel less overwhelmed. But I have noplace to go home to.
I could choose to live a simple life here: just close my eyes to the mass of talented people, never go to another audition, stop reading Classical Singer, unfriend all the working singers on Facebook who don't know me and certainly don't care about me even if we met once or twice at a "meetup", and be an unpaid choir soloist and go caroling in nursing homes and sing a few art songs. But is that giving up? Is that admitting that I am a failure? Or is it being grateful?
Next week I have the first rehearsal for this Requiem that I have been planning for over a year. I will probably get flak about it from my significant other, but I will deal with it. Maybe this will be the last "big" thing I will ever do.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
After the Storm
Sandy has come and gone (left a lot of devastation, which is tragic, but thankfully not in my neighborhood) and Obama will be President for four more years.
So it's now "OK" to get back to thinking about singing.
I spent most of the storm week with my partner. First I waited out the storm with her and then when it hit, I stayed with her every night because she had no power. I did, so I spent a few hours a day in my apartment, using it as an office. The worst thing for me was missing choir rehearsal, which I had to do. I would never have forgiven myself if I had been there and she had fallen in the dark and not been able to get up, or even use her Life Alert button.
Now it's almost time for this week's choir rehearsal, and it's snowing, and it's windy, so she of course is on at me to stay home. Absolutely not! If the thing I want most isn't a paying choir spot, but the respect accorded a professional choir member, I don't stay home because of inclement weather, as long as the subway is running. In all fairness, I should say that the majority of the choir, trained or untrained (and all unpaid) would not stay home either. So much for the people who roll their eyes about "volunteer" choirs!
I am working on the Spanish Christmas songs (called "Villancicos") for the concerts I am doing with the woman who produced the September 11 concert. I am also going to sing one on Epiphany at the Spanish service in the Lutheran church. Epiphany is the biggest holiday for the Spanish-speaking parishioners so the service should be well attended. I also xeroxed some of the more contemplative songs for the choir director, to give him as possible ideas for Communion for Christmas Eve.
I now have three other soloists for the Requiem but it is like herding cats. A rehearsal day that is good for one person is not good for someone else. Well, I will organize and negotiate. I spent years doing that with my staff in an office, so I can do it for this.
I was also realizing that one reason I haven't made as much progress as I would have liked over the past 8 years isn't that I have the wrong teacher or that I don't practice enough, but that it is not "total immersion". A conservatory student with a Master's in Vocal Performance will have studied for 8 years, but she also will have been immersed in, for example, performance classes where she will get feedback, listen to other singers, as well as studying languages and music theory. For me it is really all stolen moments. One reason I like working with the woman producing the Christmas concerts is that in addition to being knowledgeable and supportive she is also someone who gives me a different perspective. If I were, for example, a conservatory student taking an intensive seminar in Spanish song, I would get ideas that perhaps would be different from those I was getting from a voice teacher.
I don't know what this says about anything, but one of the women singing with the group this time is a mezzo with a lovely voice who has real experience: meaning having been a soloist with orchestras in smaller "cities" (to me anyplace you have to drive is not a city, hence the quotes), not to mention having a professionally designed web site showing her in a gold dress lying on a bed of roses!! I wonder how much a photo shoot like that cost?? That's what I want. Someone to photograph me in a low cut dress lying on a bed of roses....
So it's now "OK" to get back to thinking about singing.
I spent most of the storm week with my partner. First I waited out the storm with her and then when it hit, I stayed with her every night because she had no power. I did, so I spent a few hours a day in my apartment, using it as an office. The worst thing for me was missing choir rehearsal, which I had to do. I would never have forgiven myself if I had been there and she had fallen in the dark and not been able to get up, or even use her Life Alert button.
Now it's almost time for this week's choir rehearsal, and it's snowing, and it's windy, so she of course is on at me to stay home. Absolutely not! If the thing I want most isn't a paying choir spot, but the respect accorded a professional choir member, I don't stay home because of inclement weather, as long as the subway is running. In all fairness, I should say that the majority of the choir, trained or untrained (and all unpaid) would not stay home either. So much for the people who roll their eyes about "volunteer" choirs!
I am working on the Spanish Christmas songs (called "Villancicos") for the concerts I am doing with the woman who produced the September 11 concert. I am also going to sing one on Epiphany at the Spanish service in the Lutheran church. Epiphany is the biggest holiday for the Spanish-speaking parishioners so the service should be well attended. I also xeroxed some of the more contemplative songs for the choir director, to give him as possible ideas for Communion for Christmas Eve.
I now have three other soloists for the Requiem but it is like herding cats. A rehearsal day that is good for one person is not good for someone else. Well, I will organize and negotiate. I spent years doing that with my staff in an office, so I can do it for this.
I was also realizing that one reason I haven't made as much progress as I would have liked over the past 8 years isn't that I have the wrong teacher or that I don't practice enough, but that it is not "total immersion". A conservatory student with a Master's in Vocal Performance will have studied for 8 years, but she also will have been immersed in, for example, performance classes where she will get feedback, listen to other singers, as well as studying languages and music theory. For me it is really all stolen moments. One reason I like working with the woman producing the Christmas concerts is that in addition to being knowledgeable and supportive she is also someone who gives me a different perspective. If I were, for example, a conservatory student taking an intensive seminar in Spanish song, I would get ideas that perhaps would be different from those I was getting from a voice teacher.
I don't know what this says about anything, but one of the women singing with the group this time is a mezzo with a lovely voice who has real experience: meaning having been a soloist with orchestras in smaller "cities" (to me anyplace you have to drive is not a city, hence the quotes), not to mention having a professionally designed web site showing her in a gold dress lying on a bed of roses!! I wonder how much a photo shoot like that cost?? That's what I want. Someone to photograph me in a low cut dress lying on a bed of roses....
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