Thursday, March 31, 2011

All Parts are Not Created Equal

Well, yesterday I got an email from the choir director about switching to the alto part in the Requiem. Really neither part is comfortable all the way through but at least the soprano part had some showy bits in a good part of my range which the alto part does not.

Here's my question (listen up musically knowledgable folks).

As a mezzo, my voice sits about a third lower than the average soprano's, but it has the same arc. However alto parts are not written a third lower than soprano parts with the same arc (I don't mean on the same notes, I mean even with separate melodies with climaxes in different places, but climaxes nontheless. Dare I say that alto parts are anorgasmic?)

For example: If the sopranos get to sing an achingly beautiful high A (something that as everyone knows, I don't have a great success rate with because I'm not a soprano) why don't the altos get to sing an achingly beautiful high F (something I can do very well as is evidenced by the Mozart "Laudate Dominum" being one of my best oratorio pieces). Or if the sopranos get to sing a showy run that barrels up to a B flat, why don't we get to sing a showy run that barrels up to a G? Instead, we get a lot of fast singing around middle C, a part of my voice that, barring the occasional showy chest tone, has very little volume or even very little momentum to sing fast.

Well, I'll look at it this way. The soprano section there is way overcrowded with talent, so unless there's a second soprano part (which is what fits my range best) there's no reason for me to be there.

And I might get to sing one of the solo bits. I am going to see if I can get a score from the library.

And I'm going to get to sing the Pie Jesu from the Duruffle Requiem in one of the evening services. And Saturday I'm going to sing that and "Liber Scriptus" in the group coaching.

ETA: An online friend of mine who's a choir director (I didn't feel comfortable asking anyone I know IRL about this) answered some of my questions. He said that alto parts in pieces like the Mozart Requiem were sung by countertenors or adolescent boys whose voices were changing (I know a lot of the soprano parts were sung by boy sopranos) rather than by lower female voices, so these voices had a lot of power around middle C and "peaked" at the C above. It's just depressing that it seems that the altos are the only voice part that never gets any "show off". Whatever sopranos do above the staff elicits a "wow" or an "ahhhh", likewise with high tenor parts, and of course everyone loves a bass who can pop out a really low note, but the only low female singing that ever elicits a "wow" is belting, which I don't do (and low singing isn't my strong point anyhow, my strong point is singing "high notes" that are a third lower than soprano "high notes"). Well, if nothing else I can say a prayer of gratitude that I'm involved in a glorious piece of music instead of still being at my old UU church where I would be forced to listen to Beatle songs.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A Little Better

I am feeling a little better today. The visit to the assisted living facility went well. It's almost too good to be true. I hope my partner can move in there and she can be cared for and I can get on with my life.

I didn't think I'd have time to squeeze in a practice but I simply made myself. It meant working at my editing for pay one hour less than I should have, but tomorrow I can work all day because obviously I don't sing for more than 15 minutes before I go to choir practice.

I sang the dreaded section of the Introit (measures 36 to 41) on "oo" with my mouth closed and was able to sing a tiny high A in the front of my lips. It was not quite as small as the cottonmouth thing, but more reliable. I can't do it, though, if I sing measures 36 through 39 full voice. I also sang through Liber Scriptus. I am going to sing that at my group coaching on Saturday. It is going well. So my plan for tomorrow is to see if I can get through those measures on "oo". What's a rehearsal for, after all, but a place to try things out? The only thing I can't "try out" is anything that will make that note come out loud or ugly. I could do that in a lesson but not a choir rehearsal. Then I can sing the expletive deleted out of the runs in the Kyrie minus measures 41 and 48 and of course the Dies Irae. I'm an angry Goddess now anyhow, feeling pushed into the background.

Monday, March 28, 2011

I Feel it All Slipping Away

I probably shouldn't be writing anything, but I am feeling at an all-time low. I don't divulge all, as I did for years in my pseudonymous blog, but this is the place I want to put my (carefully edited) self, so that I can be "known". Tomorrow morning I am going with my partner to look at an assisted living facility. If she can get on the waiting list there, things will be moving in the right direction and maybe I can have my life back. I am feeling so much despair now, because when I began singing again at 54 I hungered to give it my all, however paltry that was, but it seems that even that is constantly waylaid and diverted and told to shut up, that something else is more important. First it was the hated job, that provided benefits and financial security, then it was my mother's dying, now it's my partner's physical, mental, and situational decline. And behind those things is my need to earn a living. It's so much better now that I can do good honest work at home, and then go forth and "be" whoever I say I am. But it still has to supersede any non-income-generating activities, so after family and work, there is no time for art. If I were 20 years younger, I would call this a necessary break, but I can't have a break of any kind at 60 or I will never have back even the tiny crumbs that I've scraped together.

Here is my list of current frustrations, that I will throw out to the universe (I actually got a commenter recently, and I see that my last post got 14 hits). So who knows? Maybe someone will answer.

1.The dreaded measure in the Introit with the high A. (I am simply not singing measures 41 and 48 in the Kyrie.) Whatever I do, it doesn't work, despite having an excellent run with this at my lesson. My current plan is just to hum it with my mouth closed. I was pleasantly surprised to notice that I can hum up to a high A, but only if I don't sing the preceding measures in my "real" voice. So what's the point? Why can't I just sing the parts that I sing well and skip that measure?

2.My range in general. I have never wanted plastic surgery - a facelift or a tummy tuck - but if only someone could move my larynx up an inch or two closer to my jaw, I could gain a few notes. I mean the stretch just isn't there.

3.My paucity of photos. There's a mezzo with a minor career, whom I came in contact with through pseudonymous blogging, who is "who I wish I were". She recently posted a spate of photos on Facebook. No, I don't think she's better looking than I am, but she has the money/friends/skills/encouragement to get numerous photos of herself in luscious outfits. No one takes my picture because I'm not important in that way. I spent $300 on head shots about 4 years ago but I certainly couldn't justify spending that kind of money now and anyhow, what would they be for?

4.The fact that I feel myself falling farther down the food chain, even in this avocational choir. I have a limited range, and no one cares about the women with lower voices anyhow. We're not for show, just for utility. Not to mention that many of the younger people are off performing here, there, and yonder. So OK. I've accepted that no one is going to "hire" me to do anything, even for no money, but now I don't even have the time or energy to "make my own opportunities". And again, no one is interested enough to nag me. All people care about are my family problems and my work issues.

I just feel so much despair, being trapped in a life filled with the problems of a 60-year-old, when what I need to be doing is flaunting my inner 40-year-old and focusing on my diva-hood. It really, really, really bothers me that no one notices or cares about this but me. I mean my music blogging neighbor (I added myself as a "follower" to his blog but have no idea if he noticed, or reads this one) never mentions my singing even though he must hear me practice every day - all we talk about are family, freelancing, and dogs.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Thursday Quarterbacking

This is a strange title, I know, as I don't watch football. Also, I don't see that singing and football have much in common. I see my gruelling practice discipline as having more in common with the work that skaters or tennis players do. I can get terrorized by certain notes, certain phrases, the way a skater is terrorized by a triple axel or a tennis player is stumped by a backhand move.

Well, yesterday we had a runthrough of the Requiem Introit and I blew the dreaded measure 41. The "taffy pulling" that my teacher had gotten me to do so well didn't work at all. But I do think I have found a way to sing that note as a "cottonmouth" falsetto. But it has to be just that note. I can "taffy pull" the notes before. If I try to "cottonmouth" them I just can't get up to that A.

Then we launched into the Kyrie. Actually 95% of it suits my voice perfectly, until we get to, yes, another measure 41 where a run barrels up to a B flat. No. I know my limits. I am not going to attempt that measure. Now that we have three (a new one showed up yesterday) trained coloraturas in the choir there is absolutely no reason for this dramatic mezzo to feel obligated to sing that measure. But I don't want to switch to alto. The alto part is very low, and as I said, 95% of the soprano part suits my voice perfectly. It sits at the top end of the staff which is the best part of my voice, and I can sing any one of the runs on one breath, if we're singing the piece a tempo. There's also a measure at the end, measure 48, I think, that noodles back and forth to an A. I will decide if I want to sing that or not. If not, not.

The Dies Irae suits me like a glove. Tons of loud high Gs, which is right up my alley.

One thing that pleasantly surprised me last night was how much stamina I had. Leaving aside phrases that I would have had trouble with under the best of circumstances, I maintained myself to the bitter end - almost. We closed with a slow contemplative piece called "Sleep" and by the time we got to that I could tell I had no voice because I could not get out a pianissimo high G which is usually no trouble at all.

But the fatigue was "good fatigue" (the kind you get from a vigorous workout) because when I went to practice this evening I popped out a pianissimo high A with no trouble at all.

In other news, I have signed up to go to one of the Meetups again. As it's Lent, I will beg off singing any opera arias. I may do "Liber Scriptus" unless I think there's a likelihood that it will make my voice too heavy. If I'm worried I will pass on it and do "Fac ut Portem" and of course the Duruffle "Pie Jesu".

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Anatomy of Another Phrase

I was going to just call this post "Anatomy of a Phrase" but that phrase (LOL!) sounded familiar. That's what I called this post and it was about the same kind of phrase, an ascending phrase that sits on a high note that's problemmatic.

So OK. For me the distance between an A and a B flat has always been like crossing the Rubicon, but I've now noticed something else - the distance between an A flat and an A is like crossing the Rubicon if we're talking about singing pianissimo.

I can always sing an A if I can sing as loud as my body needs to to keep my larynx down, and I can always sing an A flat pianissimo by opening the back of my throat as if I had a big wad of cotton back there.

Just for the record, I have never had a whistle register, a flute register, or even a real falsetto above a G (I can sing certain legit musical theater pieces and some choir soprano parts in what I call my "fake Julie Andrews soprano" voice, but again, that doesn't go above a G.)

What I'm struggling with now is the Introit to the Mozart Requiem. I'm on the soprano part (as a high-ish - at least high by choir standards - mezzo I switch parts a lot if I'm not on my home base of second soprano) which is fine, in terms of tessitura, until we get to a phrase that goes up to an A and sits there for a minute or three (I may be OK if we sing the piece a little faster than it is on the recording, but I should be able to sing it with the recording.) Now let me be clear. If I can just drop my larynx and sing I don't have problems. And in the past, that would have been how I would have approached the phrase until the choir director told me to tone it down. But now that there's a real coloratura soprano in the choir (and a musical theater ingenue, who can sing up there, as well), I am suddenly much more inhibited about singing a note like that, which is the last thing I need.

So far, not much has worked. The little "fishmouth" that enabled me to sing a soft high A in Randall Thompson's "The Last Words of David" on the word "Allelooooooooooia" isn't working. Cottonmouth isn't working. I just can't do it that extra half step higher. Humming is a crap shoot. Can some people hum higher than they can sing? I can't. The highest note I can hum reliably is a G. I can hum a lot lower than I can sing. ...I can hum down to a low D whereas the lowest note I can sing anything that you can hear is probably the A below middle C.

Yesterday, when I was feeling so depressed (about my ongoing eldercare situation) and had a bad allergy attack, and was going to scrap the idea of practicing, I sang some arpeggios (up to a C!) and then set to work on what I call for short "measures 40 and 41". Dropping my larynx and singing it on "oo" (someone else can sing the words) I got a sound out that was maybe only 70% as loud as my "natural" sound up there, but I

don't know if it will be quiet enough
don't know if I can do it off the cuff sitting in choir practice

Well, the good news is I'm having a lesson today so I can try to come up with a "plan of attack", no pun intended.

ETA: I had a lesson yesterday and we worked that phrase to death and came up with something that, in the mirror, looked like the "little fishmouth", but didn't feel like it. He told me to think I was pulling taffy. He also said it didn't help to skip "Requiem" on the Fs. I should go from the F to the E, take a breath, start a bit late on a mezzo-piano with my mouth small, and then imagine I was pulling taffy and decrescendoing. I must have sung that phrase about ten times. Well, if nothing else I have it memorized. Now. Will I be able to do it tonight sitting down in a group of people? When I was the only "trained" singer in the section (except for the other mezzo struggling with those notes) I felt more "entitled" to do "silly" things like stand and look in the mirror (how I got through "The Last Words"). Now I feel embarrassed. If all this is so easy for the two young sopranos, why is it so hard for me? None of which helps me. I need to stay in my own zone and try to block other people out, like a tennis player on the court working on a difficult move.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Giving Verdi Up for Lent?

I had a voice lesson yesterday. I had expected to sound horrid because I have been so depressed and haven't been sleeping well. I was pleasantly surprised. I sounded like gangbusters up to a B (we decided to pass on the C) and we once again went through the dreaded page in the Amneris/Radames duet and two out of three sounded great and the third sounded good 'nuf if I had sounded like that in public; certainly no worse than some notes I've heard from Olga Borodinalately.

I told him I was worried that I was getting off course because I felt my voice had too much weight, particularly on the top. I said I never felt that I was straining (I feel more like I'm straining singing pages of "light" soprano parts with the choir)but that I often (e.g., in the Aida duet aforementioned) felt that I just didn't have the oomph to continue on. He told me that this means I'm singing correctly, that yes, it takes more energy, and that since I'm 60, it takes more time to recoup and if I'm tired and depressed it would be harder for me to sing up there than for a 40 year old (a 30 year old couldn't sing that rep to begin with, or shouldn't).

I told my teacher about my deep sadness over trying to get my partner into an assisted living facility, as well as all the stress this is causing me, and I said I just didn't have the heart to plan concerts or anything really other than my choir solos. Then I laughingly said maybe I should give up singing that rep for Lent and just focus on my sacred solos. I've got two that I might be singing at the church, plus "Erbarme Dich", which I'm working on as something to do with the violinist, and then if I want a bit of drama, there's always "Liber Scriptus" from the Verdi Requiem, which is no different from the other Verdi roles except that it only goes up to an A flat. That's an ideal piece for me. Unfortunately I have yet to find any venue where I can sing it. The choir director really doesn't like big dramatic singing, at least not in a church context, and it's not the sort of thing for a Saturday afternoon concert. In any event maybe taking a break from the big Verdi opera roles will take some of the stress off me right now. I told my teacher I'm always worried about losing my upper register and he said no, I won't if I continue to vocalize up there.

As for Lent, even though I'm not Christian I think observing it in some way has spiritual meaning (it certainly beats fasting and making myself sick - probably for an ensuing 72 hours - for Yom Kippur). My Lenten project this year is loving my partner as much as I can, devoting my attention to getting her into the right facility, and doing whatever I have to do with good grace, instead of with resentment.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Sometimes it's a Blessing to be Singing Alto

I may not be writing much here, because I may not be singing anything ambitious (don't worry, I will still be practicing every day and learning my choir music and choir solos). I am going through a very sad life transition (on the heels of the sad life transition of losing my mother) which involves trying to get my partner into an assisted living facility. I don't want to say much here, for reasons of her personal privacy, but suffice it to say that I have been spending a lot of time googling (thank goodness for all the research on nonprofits I did on my last full-time job) and a lot of time crying.

I know it's for the best, and it will be wonderful not to have to do shopping and laundry for her on the weekends, but it's still sad.

I also haven't been sleeping well since this decision was made a few days ago.

Tomorrow I'm singing alto in a selection from Haydn's "The Seasons". So I have to know my music, but as the part only goes up to an E, I don't have to be in great physical shape.

But I need to keep vocalizing, at least up to a B. I am taking a break from a rather scaled down practice session, and don't know if I have the nerve to take a crack at the ascending phrase from the Amneris/Radames duet (I've been working on it again and it's been giving me trouble again - the Azucena "Condotta" B flat is easier). Maybe not. I do need to work on a piece we're singing on Ash Wednesday, though. I'm singing soprano and it bounces up and down to "high" Fs. Fine if I can sing with my real voice.