I got a lot of helpful feedback from some comments to the more anguished posts I made recently, certainly much clarification.
The only statement I doubt the truth of is:
It requires so much preparation that I don't know that you'd have an easy time getting a group of people together to do it just for fun.
Aren't there people, people whose jobs are boring and whose families are gone (or who never had "families" to begin with) who would be happy to do just that?
Maybe not on a regular basis. No. What differentiates the professionals from the serious amateurs is that the professionals may have to do this daily, for weekly (at least) performances, whereas the serious amateurs may only do it to culminate in one or two performances a year.
I think it is a fairly recent phenomenon that everyone is expected to love, and feel fulfilled by, their work. Most people are lucky to have a job that pays a decent salary, that is pleasant enough to go to, satisfying enough to do, and that provides benefits. Very few people have a calling. The difference, I think, is that now everyone expects to.
I think this is particularly American. I have a friend in England who works as a shop "manageress" where once a year everyone in the shop dresses up as a fairy tale character (I don't know at whose expense) and puts on a pantomime. And they take this very seriously. Some people are more talented, some less, and some discover talents they never knew they had. I can't imagine anyone doing this here. Softball teams, yes, because sports are the American religion. The last place I work made attempts at these sorts of things but it was implied that they were only for lower level staff.
Many small cities in England have community theaters that put on musicals and plays, and they use a "convenience sample". For many people with dull jobs or stressful household responsibilities this is the highlight of their year. When I was growing up in Brooklyn there was a group like this, started by two homemakers who had wanted to be actresses. They cast themselves in most of the plum roles but not always. It was for the enjoyment of the people in the neighborhood, who wanted to do something after work with talents they were keeping on a back burner. I sang in the chorus of Babes in Toyland when I was about 12. The group still exists, but it is now a magnet for people from the tri-state area who are auditioning on and off Broadway.
When I sang with amateur opera groups in the 1970s (right here on the Upper West Side), no conservatory graduates were singing there. They had their own career path, which was fine. And there were very few of them, as I have said. They didn't all make the big time; some had church jobs and did something else during the day, others taught voice or high school music. Certainly no one came here from another city to sing in an opera group that did not pay. Some of the people in those groups had magnificent voices and studied regularly with good teachers, but they did something else during the day. They had not been music majors. The woman I had hoped to become like (although she sang in a different fach) had a very high level job at a nonprofit (she finished her work life as a CEO but continued to sing) and, two or three times a year, would sing a leading role that appealed to her (she often chose obscure operas that would attract New York TIMES critics) and endure the intensive end-stage rehearsal period tired, or take a few vacation days. She once tried to negotiate something with a major opera house, but the money was not good enough and she wanted to keep her job. I could have been very happy doing that - which I guess is not that afield from what I am doing, only that I am producing whatever it is myself.
I know accountants, editors, and administrative assistants, even some doctors, who live for their weekend country dancing, or pottery, or volunteer chamber music group.
I had said I didn't like the word "amateur" because it has developed so many negative connotations, being associated with people who wander in and out of rehearsals when it's convenient, are vague about commitments, don't practice or learn their parts, and don't follow directions.
I realize that some of what went wrong around (not with) that bookstore gig is that it was pitched to the wrong market. Something like that was meant for someone like me, not for the people who read the Forum. Does a professional career-track singer really want or need to sing a 5 minute aria in a bookstore? It was a bit of fun, that's all. I could easily have been an employee of that publishing company whom, if they knew I studied classical singing, they might have asked to do it as a lark.
I think the line between amateurs and professionals has, on the one hand become adversarial and on the other hand, become blurred. One way in which I was very naive when I began singing again 9 years ago was that I assumed people posting things in singing communities online, and blogging about their personal affairs (as distinct from the high level singers whose public blogs are part of their professional identity) would be people like me: amateurs who wanted to talk about vocal technique, health, and how to balance singing, work, and family. I would have thought that professional singers would have been too busy for all that, and too protective of their public personae to complain, tell off color jokes, and - gasp! - swear!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Reading Merimee and Making Plans
Well, let's hope that maybe after all that sturm and drang of last week I have some new readers.
I am now moving on with my life as a high level serious avocational classical singer (I hate the word "amateur" because of all the negative connotations; even if I don't get paid to sing I am not "amateurish"). This is, of course, going to include Carmen.
Auditioning to sing the "Habanera" for a high school glee club teacher 49 years ago was the beginning of a powerful relationship (not quite a love affair; that was with Dalila). She hoped to get the students at this inner city Brooklyn high school interested in opera by having a girl sing the "Habanera" and a boy sing the "Toreador Song" in the annual assembly. At that time I didn't much like opera. I loved Julie Andrews, and Gilbert and Sullivan, and of course all the rock music of my generation, mostly Motown and early Beatles, although if I was going to sing I wanted to sound like a sweet lyric soprano (and that sound is still there, somewhere at the core of my voice, giving it perfect intonation, whatever else it lacks).
Four girls auditioned for the spot. Let's just say that the other three looked like Beyonce or J. Lo, and well, I looked like me: pale brown hair (the red ain't natural, folks), pale skin, and green eyes. One of the other girls got the spot: she sang it like a pop song. I probably sang it like Julie Andrews singing "Wouldn't it be Loverly", which was no doubt equally inappropriate. That was the year my mother's music teacher friend told me I had an exceptional voice. It was also the year I started smoking. So things were spoiled before they had even begun (p.s., the chosen "Carmen" smoked, too).
It is basically a very easy role to sing other than the B natural in the "Sequidilla" which I may avoid by transposing that page down a half or a whole step. I have until April to decide.
Moving forward to the present, I finished reading the Merimee novella, and have decided rather than pursuing my original idea which was to sing scenes from Carmen (with a tenor) and ask another singer to do something else for the other half of the program, I would instead get someone who does dramatic readings to read excerpts from the novella interspersed with my (and the tenor's) singing excerpts from the opera. I already asked one woman from the church who directs the annual Good Friday Passion Play and who used to perform in it, if she was interested and she said she didn't think so (perfectly fine!) but I will keep looking. There is another woman from the church who is a few years older than I am who used to be a professional actress and now is in another career and wants to perform in "community theater" if she is interested or might know someone who is. As for the tenor, I know someone who sang Don Jose at the pay to sing that my teacher is involved with from time to time (he doesn't pay - he sings whatever part is needed), who also sang Manrico in the scene from Trovatore when I sang Azucena. He might be interested. Or I could ask the tenor who sang in the Requiem although he might think it isn't enough singing for him. But you never know. And if my tenor wants to find me a Micaela that would be great, too, although she isn't in the book!
I learned some interesting things from the novella. First as to how Carmen looks. Yes she does have black hair. One bit of constructive criticism I got about the video was that that black wig was not flattering. My partner said I should have worn a slightly subtler color, maybe a dark brown. I know when I looked at pictures online some of the Carmens had brown hair not black. (Great! This will give me an excuse to buy a new wig; I can get one for less than $25 somewhere.) Someone else said why did I need black (or dark brown) hair at all, that it was about what the composer intended about the music. Hmmm. I think if you're singing Carmen in a bookstore people want to see you in a costume. "Outside the box" type things (like the wonderful IMHO at least) movie of Carmen with Anne Sofie von Otter are for a highly specialized audience who have seen more traditional interpretations first.
One interesting little bit of business in the von Otter Carmen is she sings the "Habanera" while eating an orange. Well, oranges factor big in the novella. I guess because it is set in Seville? A lot of them get eaten, sold, or given as gifts.
Oh, and in addition to having black hair, Carmen has perfect white teeth. It's funny. One Carmen who surprisingly left me cold was Elina Garanca even though I have loved hearing her sing Rossini and am sorry she did not sing Giovanna Seymour in Anna Bolena. She looked too soubretty and I found the closeups of her perfect white teeth very un-Carmenlike. But I guess I was wrong there. I guess you don't need to spend thousands of dollars at a dentist to have beautiful white teeth. Some people must just be born with them.
Well, so it is back to work now. If anyone is wondering, I work very hard.
ETA: I did some more research on Elina Garanca and am very interested in this CD. The woman producing the September 12 concert that I am in specializes in Spanish song and some of these might be sexy and fun to sing. I am going to ask her if she knows this CD and what she thinks of the song selection. And I may buy it.
I am now moving on with my life as a high level serious avocational classical singer (I hate the word "amateur" because of all the negative connotations; even if I don't get paid to sing I am not "amateurish"). This is, of course, going to include Carmen.
Auditioning to sing the "Habanera" for a high school glee club teacher 49 years ago was the beginning of a powerful relationship (not quite a love affair; that was with Dalila). She hoped to get the students at this inner city Brooklyn high school interested in opera by having a girl sing the "Habanera" and a boy sing the "Toreador Song" in the annual assembly. At that time I didn't much like opera. I loved Julie Andrews, and Gilbert and Sullivan, and of course all the rock music of my generation, mostly Motown and early Beatles, although if I was going to sing I wanted to sound like a sweet lyric soprano (and that sound is still there, somewhere at the core of my voice, giving it perfect intonation, whatever else it lacks).
Four girls auditioned for the spot. Let's just say that the other three looked like Beyonce or J. Lo, and well, I looked like me: pale brown hair (the red ain't natural, folks), pale skin, and green eyes. One of the other girls got the spot: she sang it like a pop song. I probably sang it like Julie Andrews singing "Wouldn't it be Loverly", which was no doubt equally inappropriate. That was the year my mother's music teacher friend told me I had an exceptional voice. It was also the year I started smoking. So things were spoiled before they had even begun (p.s., the chosen "Carmen" smoked, too).
It is basically a very easy role to sing other than the B natural in the "Sequidilla" which I may avoid by transposing that page down a half or a whole step. I have until April to decide.
Moving forward to the present, I finished reading the Merimee novella, and have decided rather than pursuing my original idea which was to sing scenes from Carmen (with a tenor) and ask another singer to do something else for the other half of the program, I would instead get someone who does dramatic readings to read excerpts from the novella interspersed with my (and the tenor's) singing excerpts from the opera. I already asked one woman from the church who directs the annual Good Friday Passion Play and who used to perform in it, if she was interested and she said she didn't think so (perfectly fine!) but I will keep looking. There is another woman from the church who is a few years older than I am who used to be a professional actress and now is in another career and wants to perform in "community theater" if she is interested or might know someone who is. As for the tenor, I know someone who sang Don Jose at the pay to sing that my teacher is involved with from time to time (he doesn't pay - he sings whatever part is needed), who also sang Manrico in the scene from Trovatore when I sang Azucena. He might be interested. Or I could ask the tenor who sang in the Requiem although he might think it isn't enough singing for him. But you never know. And if my tenor wants to find me a Micaela that would be great, too, although she isn't in the book!
I learned some interesting things from the novella. First as to how Carmen looks. Yes she does have black hair. One bit of constructive criticism I got about the video was that that black wig was not flattering. My partner said I should have worn a slightly subtler color, maybe a dark brown. I know when I looked at pictures online some of the Carmens had brown hair not black. (Great! This will give me an excuse to buy a new wig; I can get one for less than $25 somewhere.) Someone else said why did I need black (or dark brown) hair at all, that it was about what the composer intended about the music. Hmmm. I think if you're singing Carmen in a bookstore people want to see you in a costume. "Outside the box" type things (like the wonderful IMHO at least) movie of Carmen with Anne Sofie von Otter are for a highly specialized audience who have seen more traditional interpretations first.
One interesting little bit of business in the von Otter Carmen is she sings the "Habanera" while eating an orange. Well, oranges factor big in the novella. I guess because it is set in Seville? A lot of them get eaten, sold, or given as gifts.
Oh, and in addition to having black hair, Carmen has perfect white teeth. It's funny. One Carmen who surprisingly left me cold was Elina Garanca even though I have loved hearing her sing Rossini and am sorry she did not sing Giovanna Seymour in Anna Bolena. She looked too soubretty and I found the closeups of her perfect white teeth very un-Carmenlike. But I guess I was wrong there. I guess you don't need to spend thousands of dollars at a dentist to have beautiful white teeth. Some people must just be born with them.
Well, so it is back to work now. If anyone is wondering, I work very hard.
ETA: I did some more research on Elina Garanca and am very interested in this CD. The woman producing the September 12 concert that I am in specializes in Spanish song and some of these might be sexy and fun to sing. I am going to ask her if she knows this CD and what she thinks of the song selection. And I may buy it.
Friday, August 23, 2013
The Last Word on the Video (Let's Hope)
I really would like to put this to bed and move on.
I had a wonderful time singing and "performing", and I got a lot of positive feedback. I want it to be an event in my life that I can look back on with pleasure (believe me, my life is dull enough that I need these) not another source of unhappiness and discord.
I want to say here, for the record, I am not at all averse to constructive criticism. If the voice teacher/coach I referred to earlier had, for example, written to me privately and given me some pointers on what worked and didn't work in that video, I would not have been offended. That's what teachers and coaches do.
What I didn't appreciate was the implication that I should not have made the video at all. Or that I shouldn't be singing at all but should find something else to do. I considered that a stab in the back.
I also (I know I'm repeating myself here) don't understand the malice people have toward their "inferiors": people who don't do something as well as they do who nonetheless have found venues for doing it. I could understand someone being angry if they thought they sang/acted better than I do and they were turned down for that spot and it was given to me instead. But if they did not want to sing in a bookstore for free, why couldn't they just leave me alone to have a good time and go about their merry, fulfilling lives? Why did they have to spoil it?
I took that woman off my Facebook friends list because I just don't need endless negativity (I will say I am sure she is fiercely loyal to her students, but anyone else, performer or not, is fair game.) I would rather read posts from my friends from church about the good works they are doing, and how they make a supportive ring around their friends who want to use their talents, however big or small, to give themselves and other people pleasure.
It is not "all about me". Maybe the fact that I got up and sang the "Habanera" in a bookstore in a costume in a pair of shoes that I am too old and frail to dare to wear on the street will inspire someone over 50 who wants to do something bold and put themselves out there.
I also want to clarify about the subtitle of my blog, lest someone think I'm a shallow twit who is only interested in fame; secretly yearning to be a Kardashian.
What I was referring to is something like this. I am sure I sing at least as well as this woman plays the cello and I am sure my story is as interesting as hers. So why shouldn't I try to get it out there?
Hey!! Maybe all this brouhaha about the video is it! Maybe this is my 15 minutes! It has certainly gotten a lot of views considering I'm a nobody.
I had a wonderful time singing and "performing", and I got a lot of positive feedback. I want it to be an event in my life that I can look back on with pleasure (believe me, my life is dull enough that I need these) not another source of unhappiness and discord.
I want to say here, for the record, I am not at all averse to constructive criticism. If the voice teacher/coach I referred to earlier had, for example, written to me privately and given me some pointers on what worked and didn't work in that video, I would not have been offended. That's what teachers and coaches do.
What I didn't appreciate was the implication that I should not have made the video at all. Or that I shouldn't be singing at all but should find something else to do. I considered that a stab in the back.
I also (I know I'm repeating myself here) don't understand the malice people have toward their "inferiors": people who don't do something as well as they do who nonetheless have found venues for doing it. I could understand someone being angry if they thought they sang/acted better than I do and they were turned down for that spot and it was given to me instead. But if they did not want to sing in a bookstore for free, why couldn't they just leave me alone to have a good time and go about their merry, fulfilling lives? Why did they have to spoil it?
I took that woman off my Facebook friends list because I just don't need endless negativity (I will say I am sure she is fiercely loyal to her students, but anyone else, performer or not, is fair game.) I would rather read posts from my friends from church about the good works they are doing, and how they make a supportive ring around their friends who want to use their talents, however big or small, to give themselves and other people pleasure.
It is not "all about me". Maybe the fact that I got up and sang the "Habanera" in a bookstore in a costume in a pair of shoes that I am too old and frail to dare to wear on the street will inspire someone over 50 who wants to do something bold and put themselves out there.
I also want to clarify about the subtitle of my blog, lest someone think I'm a shallow twit who is only interested in fame; secretly yearning to be a Kardashian.
What I was referring to is something like this. I am sure I sing at least as well as this woman plays the cello and I am sure my story is as interesting as hers. So why shouldn't I try to get it out there?
Hey!! Maybe all this brouhaha about the video is it! Maybe this is my 15 minutes! It has certainly gotten a lot of views considering I'm a nobody.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Cleaning House; Hope the Fumes Don't Burn My Eyes
I was just going to add an "ETA" onto the last post I wrote, but this deserves its own post. Yes, I need to finish up some work (and do some practicing) but I have to stop crying first.
Well, it seems that the snark on The Forum is not going to stop just because the story of the bookstore gig is over and I was the one who got it because I was willing to do it for free.
The woman whose blog post offended me on a deep level, of course weighed in, accusing the bookstore of not appreciating "professionalism". Well, folks, I just looked in the dictionary, and "professionalism" means
The conduct, aims, or qualities that characterize or mark a profession or professional person.
It does not say anything about getting paid or insisting on getting paid. I just tried to create a new account for the Forum and post that definition somewhere, but I have to wait for them to validate my email. Or maybe it's not worth the bother.
I decided to "unfriend" this woman and take her blog off my list. It is too bad, because she used to have a lot to say, but maybe the fact that she had a head injury has caused her to have a personality change. I certainly have heard almost nothing but snark from her for the past year or so (I don't mean directed at me personally, just at everything and everybody).
But I just feel so sad and so worthless. I just don't get it. Sure, people take advantage of volunteers, but if something is fun to do, and the talent pool is too big, people are going to be willing to do it for free and that's tough nuggies. As I mentioned once before, I don't see this as scabbing. Scabbing would be offering to do something for free that that employer usually pays people to do. If that employer (or whatever you want to call them) isn't offering any pay, they're not, and it's fine for people to say no thank you to the offer to do something for free, but why belittle the company and the volunteer? Why spoil things for someone who was happy to do it? I couldn't imaging making fun of a company for asking someone to read and edit something for free (if they had never paid anyone to do something similar) nor would I make fun of the person who did it. Maybe it represented a change of pace from their regular job or their regular life. Maybe it represented a learning experience that they wanted.
And in this particular instance I am sure that the book this company was promoting is not going to be a big money maker. I may not be a professional singer but I have been a publishing professional for over 30 years.
I will say that when I posted something on Facebook about being upset, my friends from the church (and others) said really nice things to me. And no, I don't think they were [here I am tempted to insert the piece of profanity that this woman put in her blog post, but it is not my style]. Why would these people feel the need to flatter me like toadies clustering around Paris Hilton? I am sure they say supportive things because they mean them.
I just can't let myself drown.
I am going to be in this concert on September 12 and we have a rehearsal tomorrow. I know my two songs and two duets and intend to conduct myself "professionally" in this group of avocational singers. I also have a date to sing "Laudamus te" at the church on September 1. And I will conduct myself "professionally" there as well.
Tomorrow I have to take my SO to have some skin cancers evaluated. She may need surgery (she promised not to schedule it the week of my concert; if she's put it off this long she can either do it before that week or after) and she is scared. I can't be crying and feeling terrible about myself.
Well, it seems that the snark on The Forum is not going to stop just because the story of the bookstore gig is over and I was the one who got it because I was willing to do it for free.
The woman whose blog post offended me on a deep level, of course weighed in, accusing the bookstore of not appreciating "professionalism". Well, folks, I just looked in the dictionary, and "professionalism" means
The conduct, aims, or qualities that characterize or mark a profession or professional person.
It does not say anything about getting paid or insisting on getting paid. I just tried to create a new account for the Forum and post that definition somewhere, but I have to wait for them to validate my email. Or maybe it's not worth the bother.
I decided to "unfriend" this woman and take her blog off my list. It is too bad, because she used to have a lot to say, but maybe the fact that she had a head injury has caused her to have a personality change. I certainly have heard almost nothing but snark from her for the past year or so (I don't mean directed at me personally, just at everything and everybody).
But I just feel so sad and so worthless. I just don't get it. Sure, people take advantage of volunteers, but if something is fun to do, and the talent pool is too big, people are going to be willing to do it for free and that's tough nuggies. As I mentioned once before, I don't see this as scabbing. Scabbing would be offering to do something for free that that employer usually pays people to do. If that employer (or whatever you want to call them) isn't offering any pay, they're not, and it's fine for people to say no thank you to the offer to do something for free, but why belittle the company and the volunteer? Why spoil things for someone who was happy to do it? I couldn't imaging making fun of a company for asking someone to read and edit something for free (if they had never paid anyone to do something similar) nor would I make fun of the person who did it. Maybe it represented a change of pace from their regular job or their regular life. Maybe it represented a learning experience that they wanted.
And in this particular instance I am sure that the book this company was promoting is not going to be a big money maker. I may not be a professional singer but I have been a publishing professional for over 30 years.
I will say that when I posted something on Facebook about being upset, my friends from the church (and others) said really nice things to me. And no, I don't think they were [here I am tempted to insert the piece of profanity that this woman put in her blog post, but it is not my style]. Why would these people feel the need to flatter me like toadies clustering around Paris Hilton? I am sure they say supportive things because they mean them.
I just can't let myself drown.
I am going to be in this concert on September 12 and we have a rehearsal tomorrow. I know my two songs and two duets and intend to conduct myself "professionally" in this group of avocational singers. I also have a date to sing "Laudamus te" at the church on September 1. And I will conduct myself "professionally" there as well.
Tomorrow I have to take my SO to have some skin cancers evaluated. She may need surgery (she promised not to schedule it the week of my concert; if she's put it off this long she can either do it before that week or after) and she is scared. I can't be crying and feeling terrible about myself.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
You You You
One of the most helpful things that I heard in 12 step programs was "When you point the finger at someone else, three fingers are pointing back at you." When I was a counselor at the LGBT center in the 1990s, people, even group leaders and counselors, were told to "speak from the 'I'", to begin a sentence "I am uncomfortable hearing....", or "I start to feel angry when the conversation turns to....". If that was not possible, then we were told to ask a question. "What do you mean by...?"
However good or bad my writing here is, for the most part it is about me. I rarely accuse other people, either individually, by implication, or en masse, unless I am extremely angry and upset with someone and have no other outlet for expressing that.
I was made uncomfortable recently reading some blog posts from a writer I have always respected, that had a lot of "you, you, you" in them. A string of sentences beginning with "you". I can only assume that this person is addressing numerous people that she finds disappointing, annoying, or what you will. Of course I wonder if one of those people is me. I am so thin skinned. Then I realized, if there is so much "you" in her writing, and not much "I", what exactly is going on? Or is she, perhaps, addressing herself? Some of the posts hit such a nerve with me I wondered if they referred to things I had written here, but then I am pretty sure that this woman would not be caught dead reading this, although for some reason she did for a while have another avocational singer's blog publicly listed as one of her "favorites".
In addition to blasting certain Youtube videos she had seen lately (she wrote this not long after I had posted the Habanera video) of course I was wondering if she was referring to me, and then she referred to certain people as "lost" and of course I wondered again if she was referring to me as well. Am I lost? I don't know. I know I do not live in enough "contexts." I spend too much time alone in the house (doing what I do for a living) and then I brood. I have done the best I could over the past 9 years to find a place for my talents, such as they are, somewhere. I found a high level avocational choir that does not pay people, but that provides solo singing opportunities and choral singing opportunities in a group that is small enough that I feel it matters if I am there or not. I now have found this other group of singers of varying abilities who sing in various genres where I can sing solo art songs in public venues and allow myself to blossom because I am not intimidated by being by far the oldest and by far the least experienced person there. I have the chutzpah and ingenuity to produce my own concerts.
I am happy with all the positive feedback I got about that video. And I think people really meant what they said. One was an opera singer who is having a professional career, and another was a voice teacher who has also performed as a professional opera singer. Now I have four "likes" and three "dislikes". And almost 400 views. What should I make of this? Some other people's videos that I've looked at had one "like," no "dislikes," and fewer than 100 views, even though they had been up for over a year.
There was also mention of singers as (not) exhibitionistic. I have mentioned in this post that I know I am at heart an exhibitionist. I think a lot of performers are exhibitionists, the issue is that performing is a healthy outlet for exhibitionism whereas many other things are not. Everyone has traits that have their positive and negative sides, just not all people have the same traits.
And now it's time to stop brooding, find myself (if I am indeed "lost") and go practice.
However good or bad my writing here is, for the most part it is about me. I rarely accuse other people, either individually, by implication, or en masse, unless I am extremely angry and upset with someone and have no other outlet for expressing that.
I was made uncomfortable recently reading some blog posts from a writer I have always respected, that had a lot of "you, you, you" in them. A string of sentences beginning with "you". I can only assume that this person is addressing numerous people that she finds disappointing, annoying, or what you will. Of course I wonder if one of those people is me. I am so thin skinned. Then I realized, if there is so much "you" in her writing, and not much "I", what exactly is going on? Or is she, perhaps, addressing herself? Some of the posts hit such a nerve with me I wondered if they referred to things I had written here, but then I am pretty sure that this woman would not be caught dead reading this, although for some reason she did for a while have another avocational singer's blog publicly listed as one of her "favorites".
In addition to blasting certain Youtube videos she had seen lately (she wrote this not long after I had posted the Habanera video) of course I was wondering if she was referring to me, and then she referred to certain people as "lost" and of course I wondered again if she was referring to me as well. Am I lost? I don't know. I know I do not live in enough "contexts." I spend too much time alone in the house (doing what I do for a living) and then I brood. I have done the best I could over the past 9 years to find a place for my talents, such as they are, somewhere. I found a high level avocational choir that does not pay people, but that provides solo singing opportunities and choral singing opportunities in a group that is small enough that I feel it matters if I am there or not. I now have found this other group of singers of varying abilities who sing in various genres where I can sing solo art songs in public venues and allow myself to blossom because I am not intimidated by being by far the oldest and by far the least experienced person there. I have the chutzpah and ingenuity to produce my own concerts.
I am happy with all the positive feedback I got about that video. And I think people really meant what they said. One was an opera singer who is having a professional career, and another was a voice teacher who has also performed as a professional opera singer. Now I have four "likes" and three "dislikes". And almost 400 views. What should I make of this? Some other people's videos that I've looked at had one "like," no "dislikes," and fewer than 100 views, even though they had been up for over a year.
There was also mention of singers as (not) exhibitionistic. I have mentioned in this post that I know I am at heart an exhibitionist. I think a lot of performers are exhibitionists, the issue is that performing is a healthy outlet for exhibitionism whereas many other things are not. Everyone has traits that have their positive and negative sides, just not all people have the same traits.
And now it's time to stop brooding, find myself (if I am indeed "lost") and go practice.
Monday, August 19, 2013
I Have Waited Nine Years for This
Today I should be very proud and happy. The woman from the bookstore emailed me a link to a publishing industry 'zine that had my Habanera Youtube video embedded in it. She wrote in her email to me "You're a star" and said that everybody loved it.
I reposted it on Facebook in this context and got a lot of positive feedback about it. I worked for nine years for something like this, just some tiny scrap of recognition.
Now of course this is now up in the unprotected universe of Youtube, so I got so far four "likes" and two "dislikes", and two positive comments, both from friends. The video of me singing "Angel" that is on the church Youtube channel has "like, dislike, comments" disabled, which makes sense, as there can be a lot of snark and silliness on Youtube, and the church videographer did not want that migrating into the environment of a church Facebook page.
I also am happy that I made a reservation to take my SO to Ogunquit, Maine for her 80th birthday. If I follow the advice I got from the Well Spouse and think of her as a beloved family member who is getting old and might not have that many more birthdays, I feel good about myself, and filled with love and compassion and happiness. If, on the other hand, I see myself as part of a couple, the fact that I am paying for something makes me not feel good about myself because of course attractive women should be the ones being treated, not the ones doing the treating. So I just want to leave things that I am fulfilling a birthday wish, and we will both be happy.
I reposted it on Facebook in this context and got a lot of positive feedback about it. I worked for nine years for something like this, just some tiny scrap of recognition.
Now of course this is now up in the unprotected universe of Youtube, so I got so far four "likes" and two "dislikes", and two positive comments, both from friends. The video of me singing "Angel" that is on the church Youtube channel has "like, dislike, comments" disabled, which makes sense, as there can be a lot of snark and silliness on Youtube, and the church videographer did not want that migrating into the environment of a church Facebook page.
I also am happy that I made a reservation to take my SO to Ogunquit, Maine for her 80th birthday. If I follow the advice I got from the Well Spouse and think of her as a beloved family member who is getting old and might not have that many more birthdays, I feel good about myself, and filled with love and compassion and happiness. If, on the other hand, I see myself as part of a couple, the fact that I am paying for something makes me not feel good about myself because of course attractive women should be the ones being treated, not the ones doing the treating. So I just want to leave things that I am fulfilling a birthday wish, and we will both be happy.
Friday, August 16, 2013
How Do You Do? What Do You Do?
Years ago, my mother (a brilliant woman with a scathing wit and a mediocre and dull work life) said it annoyed her that when she went to a party or gathering where she met new people, the first question anyone asked anyone was "what do you do?" as if what a person did for a living was a placeholder for whether or not that person was going to be interesting to talk to. I suppose, in a way, the fact that that question is asked of everyone is an improvement over "olden times" (which includes my childhood and adolescence) when the first question anyone asked a woman was either "how old are your children?" or "what does your husband do?"
A discussion got going on Facebook, based on this meme
A discussion got going on Facebook, based on this meme
which had been circulating and which I reposted.
Someone asked me what would be a preferable question to ask someone and I said just to ask "tell me about yourself", which leaves the door open for the person to talk about what is most important to them, which could be family, career, faith, politics, avocational activities (I cringe at the word "hobby" because if anyone dares to call my singing a "hobby" despite my not getting paid for it I would delete them from my life forever).
I have been feeling blue again, which makes me want to kick myself, if for no other reason than people who are "blue" are boring and my life, God knows, is boring enough.
Some of it is probably because of my recovery from the fall: I did not go out of the house for four days. I continued singing and practicing, though, and the breakthroughs I've made continue to hold. I had a lesson yesterday and my teacher noticed it as well.
I had a talk again in therapy about why I continue to feel so much self loathing over my lack of a career and credentials, especially as at the age I am now, with my limited resources, nothing is to be gained by my acquiring any and besides, no degrees or certificates I could get in any field at the age of 63 would make my life more interesting, enable me to earn enough extra money to make the expenditure of time and money worthwhile, or make me as interesting to other people as someone who went to the Manhattan School of Music or the Yale School of Drama as a young adult.
I think so much of this has to do with living in a vacuum. When I spent a lot of time at "discussion groups" (of the 12 step variety of not) everyone's story was deemed equally important and the "stars" (I know, I know, there shouldn't be any) were the smooth, articulate, and confident talkers, which I always was. And interestingly, there was little correlation between a person's real world accomplishments and their ability to tell their own story or discuss their own life vividly and engagingly. And of course when I worked, I was as "important" as my job title. But I continue to feel "lost in the shuffle" among all these credentialed congregants, for example, at the church where I sing. I usually do get compliments on my singing if I have sung a solo (and despite my lack of musical education I always make sure I know my part perfectly once I have the music in hand, when I'm singing with the choir). But the people who went to conservatories still "bond" with other people who went to conservatories and the people who went to drama schools still "bond" with the people who went to drama schools. What I told my therapist was that "what do you do?" is I suppose the social equivalent of speed dating. She asked me if I thought people who did not have interesting careers where not interesting and I said no, but if someone has an interesting answer to "what do you do?" that takes two minutes whereas it might take 15 or 20 minutes to discover that someone who works as a secretary, cashier, or mechanic, might also be interesting, if not moreso.
In any event, I would like to move on. What I want is an interesting life, not an interesting job. If I lived in the boonies, the fact that I sang the "Habanera"in a bookstore would make me a local diva; here, it is just something to laugh at because the fact that I did not get paid means I am not worth taking seriously.
Well, I will be singing in a concert on September 12, and I am one of the more polished singers there, which means that my involvement with that is a pleasant experience. And my mantra is if I am not getting paid, I refuse to be dissed, ignored, or pushed aside. Otherwise I will take my talent, such as it is, elsewhere.
Yesterday at my lesson, I had a bittersweet feeling because my teacher is singing the High Priest in a concert version of Samson et Dalila and I sang through the big duet with him. I thought I did well, although I had forgotten some of the recitative. But I felt sad because apparently the woman singing Dalila is one of the mezzos who had a leading role in that production of Carmelites where I was humiliated in front of a bevy of people less than half my age, some of whom hadn't even bothered to learn their music and one of whom didn't even know how to pronounce French ("Dalila" wasn't one of them; she was quite professional). She is in her mid-30s, a bit heavy, but very voluptuous and on her way to being one of the stars on the amateur opera circuit, which is what I so desperately wanted. And her husband is a singer, so they are in it together.
I, on the other hand, now have to worry that my partner is going to schedule some minor surgery, which she had postponed for almost a year, the week of my concert and get obstreperous when I say I am not available.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
What Goes Up Must Come Down
Well, the day after my bookstore success, I tripped on the pavement and fell smack on my left knee: the one with the six screws and the metal plate over it. It was very badly bruised and swollen and I was very shaken up. I was on my way to my partner's for my chores weekend (I was planning not to come Sunday so I could sing with the choir and watch the movie Quartet at the church afterwards)so I went there and got into bed and put ice on it.
I called the surgeon who had operated on my knee and he got back to me Saturday morning and told me to go to the urgent care center at the hospital where I had had the surgery. I found out nothing was broken, just badly bruised. I was told, in fact, that the metal plate had probably saved my knee from breaking. They told me to wear a knee immobilizer and walk with a cane (I had already been doing that after I fell) for a week. I came back from the hospital and ended up still needing to do my partner's grocery shopping. It makes me sad beyond anyone's imagination that I have gotten to be 63 and she has gotten to be almost 80 and there is no one, paid or unpaid, that she can call on an ad hoc basis who will be helpful. No neighbors, nothing. People just don't care. Of the mutual friends that we've had since we've known each other, some have died, some have moved, and the rest either spend every other month with grandchildren, or traveling on their big fat pensions. This just astounds me. When I was growing up (is this because there were women who stayed home??) if someone was injured, sick, recently widowed, etc. people would call and say "is there anything I can do to be helpful?" You just don't hear that any more. I actually have more people who would help me, thanks to my involvement with this church and the fact that my building has a tenants association. Anyhow, I begged off singing this morning (if nothing else, the elevator at the church is broken) and the woman in charge of the September concert told me not to come to rehearsal Monday; she is mainly using the time slot to audition a pianist and two other singers. All I have to do is scan the music for my two solos and email it to the pianist. She will have to play part of the flute part to "Primary Colors". Other than the two solos I will be singing two duets: the Barcarole from Hoffman and the lullaby from Hansel and Gretel. One change, though, is that the lyric soprano might not be singing those (she is singing a song by Samuel Barber). There may be a mezzo singing with me in which case I will sing the top part. So I was told to learn both parts to both duets. The highest note is a G so it certainly will not be a problem to sing either part.
In other news, I don't know if I'm being paranoid, but I was upset because a voice teacher who is a prolific writer (whom I am friends with on Facebook) wrote about all the bad Youtube videos she has seen lately. I hope she wasn't referring to my Habanera video. I have to remember she sees a lot of bad stuff. Not to be a snob, but I know she teaches both classical and nonclassical singers, and if there are classical singers who sing badly, there are a lot of would-be nonclassical singers who can't sing at all or even carry a tune.
I also see that Regina Resnik died.
I remember seeing her in a dress rehearsal of Carmen when I was in high school and not being impressed. She did not have a wig or makeup on (unusual for those dress rehearsals; usually they are practically indistinguishable from performances) and I thought she looked blousy and decidedly un-Carmen-like. On the other hand, this voice teacher I just mentioned thought she was the greatest Carmen who ever lived. So maybe I was too immature to appreciate her. She certainly was a great artist, I will say that. I always feel pride when I read about a singer who came from New York. There were quite a few in that era but not very many now, which is something I have written about. She also began singing heavy dramatic roles when she was very young, which didn't seem to do her any harm at all.
I called the surgeon who had operated on my knee and he got back to me Saturday morning and told me to go to the urgent care center at the hospital where I had had the surgery. I found out nothing was broken, just badly bruised. I was told, in fact, that the metal plate had probably saved my knee from breaking. They told me to wear a knee immobilizer and walk with a cane (I had already been doing that after I fell) for a week. I came back from the hospital and ended up still needing to do my partner's grocery shopping. It makes me sad beyond anyone's imagination that I have gotten to be 63 and she has gotten to be almost 80 and there is no one, paid or unpaid, that she can call on an ad hoc basis who will be helpful. No neighbors, nothing. People just don't care. Of the mutual friends that we've had since we've known each other, some have died, some have moved, and the rest either spend every other month with grandchildren, or traveling on their big fat pensions. This just astounds me. When I was growing up (is this because there were women who stayed home??) if someone was injured, sick, recently widowed, etc. people would call and say "is there anything I can do to be helpful?" You just don't hear that any more. I actually have more people who would help me, thanks to my involvement with this church and the fact that my building has a tenants association. Anyhow, I begged off singing this morning (if nothing else, the elevator at the church is broken) and the woman in charge of the September concert told me not to come to rehearsal Monday; she is mainly using the time slot to audition a pianist and two other singers. All I have to do is scan the music for my two solos and email it to the pianist. She will have to play part of the flute part to "Primary Colors". Other than the two solos I will be singing two duets: the Barcarole from Hoffman and the lullaby from Hansel and Gretel. One change, though, is that the lyric soprano might not be singing those (she is singing a song by Samuel Barber). There may be a mezzo singing with me in which case I will sing the top part. So I was told to learn both parts to both duets. The highest note is a G so it certainly will not be a problem to sing either part.
In other news, I don't know if I'm being paranoid, but I was upset because a voice teacher who is a prolific writer (whom I am friends with on Facebook) wrote about all the bad Youtube videos she has seen lately. I hope she wasn't referring to my Habanera video. I have to remember she sees a lot of bad stuff. Not to be a snob, but I know she teaches both classical and nonclassical singers, and if there are classical singers who sing badly, there are a lot of would-be nonclassical singers who can't sing at all or even carry a tune.
I also see that Regina Resnik died.
I remember seeing her in a dress rehearsal of Carmen when I was in high school and not being impressed. She did not have a wig or makeup on (unusual for those dress rehearsals; usually they are practically indistinguishable from performances) and I thought she looked blousy and decidedly un-Carmen-like. On the other hand, this voice teacher I just mentioned thought she was the greatest Carmen who ever lived. So maybe I was too immature to appreciate her. She certainly was a great artist, I will say that. I always feel pride when I read about a singer who came from New York. There were quite a few in that era but not very many now, which is something I have written about. She also began singing heavy dramatic roles when she was very young, which didn't seem to do her any harm at all.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Bookstore Success
I am extremely tired and am about to just crash and watch Jackson Brodie, but I need to let readers know that the bookstore "Habanera" was a big success. I don't want to post the video here, because it has my real name on it (it is done very professionally as a piece of promotional material for the publisher) but if anyone wants to see it, just leave a comment with your email address (I screen all comments) and I will email it to you.
I sang and acted well. I am not 100% thrilled with how I looked (although I looked better in the video than in the stills - which I will post here). Black hair is not flattering, particularly. When I did the Habanera in costume at the fundraiser in 2009 I had my makeup professionally done and I was wearing something with long sleeves (it was February - Valentine's Day, in fact, 5 years after my fateful duet with the Mentor). This time I did my own makeup, which was fine on my face, but I had a short sleeved top on, and my arms are decidedly white and un-gypsy-like. I had thought they would be covered by the shawl, but they weren't. Also I really do have a midriff bulge. I don't weigh any more than I did 10 years ago but I am three inches shorter and I guess that is where it all went.
In any event, the woman from the publisher really loved my performance, so I shouldn't be self-deprecating.
And my singing overall continues to improve.
On a related subject, I heard from the filmmaker again, and she says we are on target to start doing something with the Bach that I am supposed to record. I paid to have the sheet music transposed down, but once the project is underway she will need to pay an accompanist (or pay for me to get an mp3 file of the aria transposed down).
I sang and acted well. I am not 100% thrilled with how I looked (although I looked better in the video than in the stills - which I will post here). Black hair is not flattering, particularly. When I did the Habanera in costume at the fundraiser in 2009 I had my makeup professionally done and I was wearing something with long sleeves (it was February - Valentine's Day, in fact, 5 years after my fateful duet with the Mentor). This time I did my own makeup, which was fine on my face, but I had a short sleeved top on, and my arms are decidedly white and un-gypsy-like. I had thought they would be covered by the shawl, but they weren't. Also I really do have a midriff bulge. I don't weigh any more than I did 10 years ago but I am three inches shorter and I guess that is where it all went.
In any event, the woman from the publisher really loved my performance, so I shouldn't be self-deprecating.
And my singing overall continues to improve.
On a related subject, I heard from the filmmaker again, and she says we are on target to start doing something with the Bach that I am supposed to record. I paid to have the sheet music transposed down, but once the project is underway she will need to pay an accompanist (or pay for me to get an mp3 file of the aria transposed down).
Friday, August 2, 2013
A Lot Going On
Well, I suppose that expression is relative...
First, the bookstore gig. An actress friend of my SO's was upset that I was being "taken advantage of" by not being paid, as this publisher is a commercial enterprise. So I asked around, and the most succinct advice I got was from a former boss of mine, when I was in a management position in publishing, who is a publishing law expert (although he is not a lawyer). He said the most important thing is that I need to have a contract stipulating what the publisher can do with the video they are making and what I can do with it. If the video is my "payment", then I need a written statement that I can use it for personal promotional purposes. Regarding pay, most of the people I spoke to didn't see this as so much of an issue because the company is using the video to sell copies of a new printing of Merimee's Loves of Carmen, which will not exactly be a big money maker. The issue, my ex-boss said was being sure everything is in writing, which I certainly remember from my days as a Managing Editor. So how things are at this moment, is that the woman from the publisher sent me a draft contract to sign and I made a few changes to it and am waiting to hear back with a revision.
The September 12 concert is taking shape. In addition to my two solos ("Primary Colors" by Jake Heggie and "Angel" by Wagner) I may be singing two duets with a lyric soprano: the "Barcarole" from Hoffman (which I sang decades ago in my former persona as a trouser mezzo), and an abbreviated version of the duet from Hansel and Gretel, which I have also sung.
And the best news of all is that the woman producing this concert is eager for her singers to produce their own concerts in the room in her apartment complex (which is a very nice place to sing; clean and well kept, not like the studio where I sang the Verdi and almost choked to death), so I am going to definitely do the scenes from Carmen and will ask someone else to something for the other half (and I will need a tenor for Don Jose). I proffered a few Saturday and Sunday afternoon dates in May (I sing better in the afternoon) and she is going to get back to me. After that I can start making plans!
First, the bookstore gig. An actress friend of my SO's was upset that I was being "taken advantage of" by not being paid, as this publisher is a commercial enterprise. So I asked around, and the most succinct advice I got was from a former boss of mine, when I was in a management position in publishing, who is a publishing law expert (although he is not a lawyer). He said the most important thing is that I need to have a contract stipulating what the publisher can do with the video they are making and what I can do with it. If the video is my "payment", then I need a written statement that I can use it for personal promotional purposes. Regarding pay, most of the people I spoke to didn't see this as so much of an issue because the company is using the video to sell copies of a new printing of Merimee's Loves of Carmen, which will not exactly be a big money maker. The issue, my ex-boss said was being sure everything is in writing, which I certainly remember from my days as a Managing Editor. So how things are at this moment, is that the woman from the publisher sent me a draft contract to sign and I made a few changes to it and am waiting to hear back with a revision.
The September 12 concert is taking shape. In addition to my two solos ("Primary Colors" by Jake Heggie and "Angel" by Wagner) I may be singing two duets with a lyric soprano: the "Barcarole" from Hoffman (which I sang decades ago in my former persona as a trouser mezzo), and an abbreviated version of the duet from Hansel and Gretel, which I have also sung.
And the best news of all is that the woman producing this concert is eager for her singers to produce their own concerts in the room in her apartment complex (which is a very nice place to sing; clean and well kept, not like the studio where I sang the Verdi and almost choked to death), so I am going to definitely do the scenes from Carmen and will ask someone else to something for the other half (and I will need a tenor for Don Jose). I proffered a few Saturday and Sunday afternoon dates in May (I sing better in the afternoon) and she is going to get back to me. After that I can start making plans!
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