Don't Mourn - Organize! (2)

Well, let's say I am feeling a little better about the choir situation.

First of all, the choir director is a truly sweet person.  I actually don't think he has any idea how put out I am over the lack of available solos (as part of choral pieces) for mezzos (or heavier voiced sopranos, or altos).  Now I am not sure whether this is an artefact of the pieces he chooses, or whether this is true of choral pieces in general.  Most great works (Bach, Mozart) have solos for four voice parts, although the Brahms Requiem does not.

In any event, the first thing I did was speak to the pastor who handles the Spanish services and ask if there was a Spanish service on Good Friday.  He said yes, there is one.  So I offered to sing "Qui Sedes", which he said he thought would be good (most of the people who attend those services were raised as Catholics and are used to hearing Latin) but that I would have to ask the person who plays for the service.  So I have emailed him.  Than I asked the choir director about that piece (I also had "Fac ut Portem" at the ready).  The choir director said in fact the only day he had free was the 17th, which is "El Salvador Sunday" (that's something specific to this church, which has a sister church in El Salvador) so he said the "Qui Sedes" might be ok but that it would be better to sing an anthem in Spanish.  I said the only Spanish sacred songs I currently had were for Christmas so he said he would try to find me something.  Then he asked was this ok if I was busy with the Verdi and I said yes, because an anthem for communion would only be 3 or 4 pages.

He said he would let me know by Wednesday.  I also told him I might sing in the Spanish Good Friday service but that "if he needed me" to "help out with the alto chorus part" in the Brahms of course I would.  If I get the spot in the Spanish service I will flog it to people I know who are involved with Spanish speaking communities.  They are not Lutheran but they might want to come as would people who speak Spanish and might want to hear me.

Among the soloists who sang today was a young woman (she is only 20!) who is a conservatory student.  She sang a solo from the Bernstein Mass and what can I say?  Every note was perfect. How does one achieve that?  Even after all these years, in addition to my entrenched problems with range, nothing sounds perfect.  Beautiful sometimes (if I stay in the middle of my range), exciting, often, but totally polished?  No.  I think it's the difference between a voice that was built (like the voices of conservatory students who began singing as teenagers) and a voice that has been massaged, which is how I would describe mine.  Even the first time I studied seriously, I was already 26, a former smoker and drinker, a New Yorker with a loud abrasive speaking voice, someone who had "fooled around" singing things like "Condotta" in my early 20s....   I mean I have come a very very very long way since then. I have even come a very long way since that Valentine's Day, but it is not enough.  My range has not expanded, but the notes that I do have sound better.  I no longer have a break above middle C, I can sing Gs, A flats, even the occasional A natural softly, and have phenomenal breath control singing Bach.  The sides of my neck no longer get tired.  I don't conk out at the end of a 90 minute choir rehearsal.  But I still don't have that much confidence.  I don't have even the equivalent of a "semester" of performance classes behind me.  The things like that that I went to intimidated me and anyhow, particularly with my partner's declining health, it is not something I can justify doing.  I still have yet to pick up the solfege book, and have not studied languages beyond looking in a German or Spanish dictionary to translate what I am singing.  And forget a "fitness routine"!!!  How would I possibly squeeze it in?  I am lucky if I can squeeze in enough hours doing my work for pay and then practicing.

I really really really want to make this Requiem a success.  I have drilled and drilled and drilled all the ensemble pieces and I have worked on "Liber Scriptus" and done everything I can think of not to blow that top note.  I would say I have about a 98% success rate with it. But it wouldn't hurt to keep praying.

It's Always Darkest Before the...

Well, first of all, all the anger I have been feeling about the choir situation certainly lit a fire under me. The last two runthroughs of "Liber Scriptus" have gone like gangbusters.

I am going to make that a big dramatic moment and milk it for all it's worth.

Then we will take it from there.  One of the first things I will do (even before fishing around for choral pieces with mezzo solos - there have to be some) is I will see what is going on with the Spanish services during Holy Week.  Maybe they need a soloist.  And in fact if there are only going to be two women's parts in the Good Friday music (we have only gotten the Brahms; there will be something else) I may opt to sing in the Spanish service only if they're having one that day (it would be earlier).  And I may start seriously thinking about switching over for good.  The Spanish service has nothing, basically, except a pastor and some people who assist with the liturgy.  So that might be an empty spot I can squeeze into.  What I might do is sing with the regular choir only when they're doing a piece with two soprano parts.  That's all they seem to need me for.  Then I can sing a solo anthem in the Spanish service once a month.

As for the "dawn"...

I woke up to an email from an old friend who has moved to Nova Scotia but is currently in France.  She makes experimental films and seems to be quite taken with my singing (I sent her my CD).  She said she would like me to sing something in one of her films.

Unfortunately, she doesn't really know the difference between a soprano and a mezzo because she said she would like me to sing "Höchster, Mache Deine Güte" from Bach's Cantata "Jauchzet Gott In Allen Landen" BWV 51: III, which is written for a high, light soprano. (She sent me a sound file with Natalie Dessay.)  If she is dead set on my singing this I can either give it a try or transpose it down a half or a whole step.  If what she is interested in is a mood, I suggested "Erbarme dich", which I would certainly prefer.  So we will see.  But this looks like a serious project for which she will get a grant, and give me a stipend (which I will need to pay the pianist, and a violinist if I can find one).

Also (more "dawn"), my SO went to see her physiatrist today, who has authorized a home attendant for her for six weeks.  This means I don't have to worry about her having an emergency, at least the Friday before my concert, and really, what can happen the day after if she's home?  And a social worker will talk to her about transitioning to Medicaid, which means she can have the attendant indefinitely.

Don't Mourn - Organize!

That being said, I really really need some cheering up.

How does it happen?

I had a nice weekend, and was looking forward to working on the Requiem and fixing some of the trouble spots, and learning a new church solo, and then Monday I got a call from my SO that she had taken a tumble on the pavement.

Fortunately she was not seriously injured, which was amazing as she's 78 with brittle bones, but she was unable to even open a pill bottle for about three days, so I ended up sleeping there for two nights that I hadn't planned, and lost a lot of time from work.  Not to mention that my wheels started spinning - "Suppose something like this happens the day of my concert?"

When I mentioned saying prayers for my concert, one thing I was praying for, in addition to being able to sing well and overcome my nerves, was that if God willed it, there would be no crisis that would draw me away, perhaps leading to my having to cancel the whole thing.  Our close friend (the only one who is really reliable) won't be in town the weekend of the concert and no one else is reliable, so I wrote to someone who I think handles pastoral care at the church.  I have seen them set up tag teams of people to help with the frail elderly and other people in need.  I am not strictly speaking a member of the church, but because this concert is a fundraiser for the church, maybe this man will find me someone who could take care of my SO if she has a crisis and needs to be taken to a medical facility.  Obviously if it were an immediate matter of life and death I would want to be there, but quite frankly, if it were just something like a broken ankle, I would not.

Every time something like this happens it is just so draining.  I lose time from my livelihood, which means that I have to cram work into every nook and cranny and can't move forward not just with my singing (I always see that I practice some even if it's just to vocalize) but with other projects or just brainstorming about how I can make my dull life more colorful and glamorous.

And...

I really feel passed over again for Holy Season.  I don't think it's deliberate (if I did I would be out of there - probably not to audition for paid choirs that would turn me down because I don't sightread, or sing straight tone, blah, blah, blah, but to another "convenience sample" choir that is more talent poor than this one has become).  I think there are not a lot of choral pieces with solo bits written for mezzos. Whatever it is, most of them seem to be for high voices or for men.  Whether it's Brahms or Moses Hogan.

So once again there will be two soloists for Good Friday - not me.  I mean these solos are in the Brahms Requiem which does not have anything suitable for me, but still...

I can't believe that I have let this spoil my excitement about the Verdi.  And I was excited, even though I'm constantly nervous that I will blow the top note in "Liber Scriptus", because my name is on a flyer that is sitting on a table in the back of the church.

I mean come Hell or High Water I am going to find a solo to sing during this season.  I wrote to the choir director about "Qui Sedes" with the oboe accompaniment.  If he doesn't like that I will find something else.  But why is it always me that has to pick these things, and then chase him around and nag????  It would be really really really nice to have him pick something, preferably for a high profile service, and then come up to me and say "I would really love it if you would sing this."

Which led to my having an unusual insight.  I have sung quite a few solos there, but never one with the choir intertwined - except once when there was a solo quartet singing with the choir.  (For example when I've sung the Mozart "Laudate Dominum" I have sung the solo version.)  And I realized that I think that is what I would like best.  To be out in front with a crowd behind me.  To feel like a star, the center, the focus.

Well, if the Requiem goes well I will be happy (I really really need to work work work my tail off, although I'm not sure what to do about nerves - I know I can sing the bloody passage in "Liber Scriptus" I just don't trust that I can.)  Then I can pick out the most glamorous looking black dress or what you will to wear on Good Friday.  I have lots of lace and velvet and I can put a big flashy sparkly ornament in my hair and wear my diamond earrings.

And after the Requiem I will do some serious research and look for some choral pieces with mezzo solos (aka "soprano 2" solos, "soprano" solos that don't go above a G, or "alto" solos that sit near the middle of the staff and at least go up to an E flat).

Countdown to the Requiem

I had hoped to write something yesterday, as yesterday/today  is the ninth anniversary of that fateful Valentine's Day, but I couldn't think of anything.

The Requiem is now really really happening.  Flyers are made, and there will be an announcement on the church's web site as well as on its Facebook page.

I said more prayers that I will be worthy of this endeavor.

This is the biggest thing I have done since the concert of Samson et Dalila in 2008. I am singing better now, but have far, far less chutzpah.

Back then I thought just the fact that I could slog through the role of a femme fatale, wearing a pretty dress, made me special.

Since then I have been rejected by every single no-pay "community opera group" except one that wanted to charge me a hefty fee (at least that was for singing a lead) and another whose director cast me in an infinitesimal role and then used me as a punching bag, so I walked out.

I see that everywhere I turn, in this city and especially in this neighborhood, I am drowning in young talent with conservatory degrees and apprenticeships, and women 15-20 years younger (which still makes them in their 40s) who are totally polished, with several decades of singing in my fach behind them (and conservatory degrees and apprenticeships, back from the "dark ages").  So this has shaken my confidence.

At the last rehearsal I fell on my face with "Lux Aeterna" which has now given me two things to worry about (that I will worry about the A flat in "Liber Scriptus" is a given).  In "Lux Aeterna" I not only have to sing the phrase with the G, I also have to concentrate on counting so that I stay together with the two other people.  Well, I have done things like this in the choir.  I just have to drill it over and over and over, with the recording.

Putting God back in it helps.  On Ash Wednesday we were invited to write "sins" (or something else) on paper, which would be burned with the palms that they use to make the ashes.  So I wrote to "banish fear and self-doubt".  I don't really believe in "sin",   unless I am doing something hurtful to other people.  I believe that I sin when I lose my temper at my partner, but that's about it.  I suppose my fear and self-doubt is a sin of sorts.  God gave me back this gift and even if the person who lit the spark was often more Mephistophelian, I can't just walk away from it.  This is something I am doing for the church.

Lent has begun.  For me it will be a time to ramp up my practice of my art, which is, after all, a spiritual practice.

And now, I see, it is now longer "today".

Lent Again

I haven't written anything for a while; I have wanted to bask in all the positive feedback I have gotten from "Angel"

http://youtu.be/CfCejvnM_aE

which now has over 90 hits!

And I learned from a tech savvy friend that the ticker only counts ip addresses, not viewings, which means that 94 different people have viewed it.  Also, the church Facebook page notes the number of hits, which I hope has impressed someone.

The Requiem is coming along.  I am really able to hold my own with three opera singers whose voices are bigger than mine, which is certainly a change of pace from choir.

Really the only thing I am nervous about it the A flat in "Liber Scriptus" mostly because you sing for three pages with no break and then have to sail up there.  An A flat is not a very high note in my voice.  I have retooled the piece somewhat where I use some of the control that I use to sing, say Gs or even the G sharp (same note!) in something like "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth", which I don't find at all difficult.

It seems the only part that doesn't sound good is the "Agnus Dei" which sits in my lower passaggio break.  The first part is a capella and I was going flat.  So I need to put more chest into it and not worry that it will "spoil" the "Lux Aeterna".  Or the pianist can play the first part instead of our singing it a capella.

Technique continues to improve (I have found ways to take the weight off those top notes and make them spin - by which I mean A flats and A naturals and once in a while a B flat, although with the B flat I still have to sing a lower note first) but I still lack confidence. Well, for now all I have to worry about is that note in "Liber Scriptus".  The piece comes early on, so if I don't mess it up I can enjoy the rest of the performance.

I am hoping for a big marketing blitz starting in March, in tandem with the church.  Other than that I don't know what I will be doing.  Apparently the congregation that so aggressively took over our Good Friday service last year is not singing with us at all on Ash Wednesday.  We can certainly hold our own. There is one piece I find musically difficult because the accompaniment is the tenor line an octave higher, which makes it hard to sing the soprano line.  I drilled it at my little keyboard one day this week so I hope I don't embarrass myself at rehearsal the way I did at the first read-through, where I got totally lost.

I wrote to the choir director about finding a spot for "Qui Sedes" with the oboe accompaniment during Lent (Maundy Thursday would be my first choice) but haven't heard back from him.  I hope he does at least something to flog my Requiem.  There are supposed to be fliers out on Sunday.  If I don't see them I will speak to the seminarian who is supposed to be handling this.

I have no idea what will be on the table for Good Friday but whatever it is I will be my professional self and follow instructions.