I never got a chance to post anything about my second concert, which went really well (I think I sang better than the first time) because the next day my partner appeared listless and complained of a bellyache so I had to rush her to the ER. It turned out she had what could have been a life-threatening bowel blockage. Then just when it seemed as if she was going to go home, she developed C. difficile.
All together, she was in the hospital for 9 days. My number one priority was being with her so I didn't get much work done. I did get a little practicing done but really wasn't focusing on singing.
Since she's been back, for whatever reason, I have missed my 5-6 practice time. There is actually no reason why that should be my practice time, other than that because I am used to working in an office, if I am home any part of 9 to 5, I use those hours to do the editing that I do for a living. Tuesday I missed my practice time to watch the election!!
Amazingly, my voice is still there (Wednesday I had a lesson), but I really need to get back in the saddle. Yesterday (Thursday) I missed choir rehearsal and spent the whole day in such a nonstop state of stress that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. First I went around the block five or six times with my case manager and an attorney to find out if my partner's Medicaid had been renewed, then I spent an hour trying to find out where our ambulance was (to take her to a follow-up appointment) only to be put on hold for a total of 30 minutes. Skipping choir practice was planned as I didn't know what time I would be back to the Upper West Side after bringing my partner home from the appointment (I got home at 7:30, which is when rehearsal starts, and as it takes 20 minutes for me to get there and at least 15 for me to warm up, not to mention that I was sweaty and needed to organize some things at home so I would not have made it there even if I were in any shape to sing which I probably was not).
It seems lately I have been practicing every three days (and some of these times are just warming up for choir, but I guess that's enough if I warm up at least to a B flat).
Part of the problem, of course, is that I have no date on my calendar. I don't schedule concerts between Thanksgiving and Easter partly because of all the singing that's going on at the church, but mostly because I don't want to plan anything major during the season when it might snow. The number one way in which age has affected my physical well-being is that I feel unsafe in the snow, even with a cane. Other than church and choir practice, any other commitment is up for rescheduling during those months. So right now I've got my eye on December 30. I have sung on that Sunday (last year it was the 31st and the year before it was January 1) for the past two years, but I won't know anything until I get the Advent/Christmas choir schedule and touch base with the Music Director about scheduling. If someone else wants that date they should have it because I've had two "turns", on the other hand, half of the choir goes "home" for Christmas so there might not be any other takers, other than a man who likes to sing at the early service (he sang at 9 last year when I sang at 11). I pulled out the Lauridsen "O Magnum Mysterium", which I sang three years ago some time in December, and have found a new song by Wolf, called "Schlafendes Jesuskind" that might be appropriate. It would have been a "no" four or five years ago because it has an A flat in it (the previous Music Director didn't like "heavy voices singing in that range") but now it should be fine, with my new level of confidence and my slighly higher "sweet spot". I will listen to a Youtube of it and see what I think. And of course there's always "Rejoice", which is my favorite thing to sing in the whole world. You know, it's one of those pieces that sounds difficult (and it also sounds high) to other people but it is actually not (high) and it has always been very easy for me to sing.
For another time, I found a song by Alma Mahler called "In meines Vaters Garten" which I really like. I brought it to my lesson on Wednesday and my teacher said he liked it. He said it reminded him of the Wesendonck Lieder (I guess I could also sing "Angel" in church but that's more suitable for Advent) and that because it's "tuneful" I could probably add it to a recital program.
So now I just need to get back to my practice routine. I should be able to practice Monday. Tuesday probably not because I may have to sleep over at my partner's if her podiatrist is coming Wednesday morning. If he's coming Wednesday afternoon (I won't know that until Tuesday) I can practice Tuesday as well. If I don't get to practice Tuesday I will pass on a neighborhood meeting I had penciled in for Wednesday evening and practice instead.
And I can't lose heart. Last night (when I was already exhaused and feeling emotionally drained), I "re-encountered" one of the people on Facebook I had unfriended (or maybe she unfriended me) because the envy I felt for her led me to say something that she didn't like (that singers were self-absorbed maybe? well, they are! particularly if they don't have children or some other responsibility that's more important to them than flaunting head shots and photos of themselves in gowns). Anyhow, that put my self-esteem back in the basement, somewhere it has not been for a while.
No matter how old and wise (?) I get, it never stops being painful to be surrounded by people who are doing in real life what I imagine myself doing, wished I were doing, can do a tiny bit of, and will never do a lot of no matter how hard I work (which isn't an excuse to stop working by the way).
We were having a conversation about neighbors and I was realizing that having a building full of people who go to the Met all the time (it's around the corner) including one who's a music critic with a wife who majored in voice at Manhattan School of Music who even though she doesn't sing any more has the snobbish attitude of 99% of the conservatory graduates I've ever met, nobody gives a damn if I sing because I'm so nothing.
I just can't think about that. I can't lose heart. A friend told me that someone told her that if I sing I'm a singer, and if more than 50% of what I sing is operatic, I'm an opera singer, and all the "snitterati" on the Forum can't take that away from me.
