Those Who Can Do; Those Who Can't Write

I certainly have always felt that way.  The worse I feel about my singing (either from a technical standpoint or just in terms of where I fit in the bigger picture) the more blog posts I write.

Why am I feeling bad?  I have been singing better and haven't had any more asthma attacks.  The Bolena duet sounds good. I am learning the December Songs.  I may even try to do something with  Winterreise around my 70th birthday.  I can start planning on my 69th.  Thursday I will bite the bullet and ask the choir director if there are any "solo bits" on Good Friday.  I don't expect anything as perfect as what I got last year.  I would be happy with the alto line in a solo quartet or trio.  I think what makes me nervous is that something has given me an inkling (our last writing assigment in a writing contest I am in was "inkling"; now I'm realizing I could have used the inkling I'm about to mention) that the choir director has been talking to the new dramatic soprano about Good Friday, which does not make me feel great.  Even last year when he assigned me the solo I didn't know about it until we had been working on the music for several weeks as a group.

Certain people are always "triggers".  Unfortunately, one of the women I "unfriended" on Facebook (or she unfriended me) because I said something about singers being self-involved, which she didn't like, is the friend of someone who is  a dear friend of mine on Facebook.  This dear friend is also a singer, but she is a good person and has been through a lot, and she was very helpful to me in choosing some lighter repertoire.  (Of course part of me is sad that she has never said to me "You will really sing the daylights out of [fillintheblank with some impressive aria]" the way she has often said to Envy Trigger.)

Anyhow, Envy Trigger, who is probably in her late 30s, and has had her share of heartbreak and depression, nonetheless is now singing "big girl" opera roles here, there, and yonder (noplace stellar, and I don't know if any of it is for money) and I am not.  I feel all that repertoire slipping away.  I have a wider range than I ever had, but the stamina required to do that kind of singing continues to feel daunting.  I can do it if "all the stars are in alignment", if not, not.  I mean I can't second guess myself into the bottom of the alto section, the way a woman in my choir who is a few years older than I am has done.  I'm sure she could sing more than she has been singing, but she has become so phobic (she also hasn't studied in years) that she now won't sing anything above an E and won't really sing solos anymore either.  And on the few occasions when she's had a solo line she sounds very nervous.  I won't let anything like that happen to me.  Just because I blew that high A on a morning when I had an asthma attack doesn't spell doom.  It was a one-off.

So I can sing sweet songs: Hoiby and Rorem and Maury Yeston.  And a few arias here and there.  I can still sing Rossini which flows trippingly off the tongue and doesn't seem to require the stamina needed to pack a punch at the end of, say, "Acerba Volutta". 

I want so much to love my "small life" with my "small performance opportunities" and I pray for that willingness every day - but then there's Envy Trigger.

A Need to Change the Narrative

Or move the needle, as people are always saying.

I am trying to make a happy life for myself by putting as much creativity in it as I have time for, and being grateful for the rest.

I don't consider taking care of my partner a burden; it's not just that I love her, I also find many of the people-rich activities I am involved in as her caregiver to be stimulating.  I love most of the aides who take care of her. They have opened my eyes and heart to a whole world that is very different from the one I grew up in and still live in, and which always leaves me feeling that I don't measure up.

A team of nurses came to see my partner.  We are now enrolled in a program that originated when she was in the hospital the last time.  It is geared toward people over 75 who end up in the hospital via an emergency room.  They suggested that I buy her a coloring book.  Now they are trying to get her a "buddy" (which would be a graduate student) from the Alzheimers Association.

I have one mini concert on the horizon and am doing some other networking.  My far off future plan, if my loved one dies and I am still healthy, is to sing for seniors not just by giving concerts but also by volunteering at nursing homes where I could come sing at their bedsides (or talk with them, listen to their stories, read, or anything else).

I am not going to try to get any kind of advanced degree.  I hate academics.  I can do this as a volunteer and continue to spend 20 hours a week copy editing.  It is boring and isolating, but it is what I need  mostly because I can make my own schedule and I know how to find work.  It is a very low maintenance kind of livelihood.  And (God works in mysterious ways) I now am working on a journal about aging.

Here's the problem:  I am distracted by bright shiny objects.

Almost every new person I meet is a real performer of some kind.  Is or was.  Is enough to have a web site and a list of credits going back to high school.  Gorgeous professional head shots. A place to be seen. For example, if I tick off the 20 or so people in my choir, more than half of them have music or theater degrees and more than half of them have advanced professional degrees from prestigious schools.  Many people have both.  Someone new joined the choir (she is very nice, and not someone I would be competing with because she is a musical theater style belter) who has a flashy web site and a public presence. (Right now she has taken a "break" from regional theater to work in tech, and who knows? She might stay there.) But her web site is what I mean by a bright shiny object.  Not the site so much as the fact that someone I met in a church choir has one. I want one too.  I suppose I could make myself one, but what for? I have this blog, and a Youtube channel, but I am not part of the conversation.  People will tell me "oh, you sounded lovely" but I am still at the bottom of the food chain.  The people in my Pilates class are all retired academics, or something similar.  One was a casting agent, one was (is?) an architect.

I can be having a happy day and then something coming out of the tsunami of uber-successful people I am drowning in will act as a trigger and I will dissolve into self deprecation because I am not a "bright shiny object" the way they are.  Someone told me (I suppose a propos of all the talk about Stormy Daniels) that with my large frontage (real), my age (a niche market) and my expertise with hair, makeup, wigs, and even masks, I could have a web site full of "adult" photographic content.  Is this the best I can do?? No thank you.  Prudery aside, that's an overcrowded market, too.  Is there anything that isn't?

If I can't have bright shiny objects (or be one) why can't I change the narrative? I can lose myself and be happy in small things (although nothing - except snuggling with my frail, sweet, partner - makes me as happy as getting up in front of an audience, singing well, and hearing applause) so why can't I stay there?

ETA: As always a glutton for punishment, I went back and googled "choir girl" to see what else I could find (a Facebook page? see who her friends are?) and found an article from last year's TIMES about her and her roommate (an aspiring opera singer) not about them as performers but about their travails with a North Manhattan apartment (I don't want to link to the article here for the sake of people's privacy).  There was a gorgeous photo, and quite a lot about these two young women.  So how did they nail a piece of publicity like that? That's what I'm dying to know.  Are aspiring performers better at networking with journalists so that they can promote themselves in every way possible? I know a lot of people have various apartment travails and they don't have huge pictures of themselves in the paper. This just confirms my whine that I just don't know the right people.

Choir "Gossip" and A Conundrum

Well, wouldn't you know? Only a few years have passed since Little Miss left and now we have a bona fide dramatic soprano (a 30-year-old training to sing Strauss) in the choir.  Apparently she has been living in New York for seven years, but only just now decided she wanted to find a "home church".  So we will see.  She is very different from Little Miss.  She is quite shy, and seems like a grownup (not a child bubbling over expecting - and getting - oodles of praise).  I first saw her name on the solo list, which is fine.  There is plenty of room for anyone who wants to sing a solo: there are probably 45 Sundays where at least one service has no choir singing and a few other special services (and the Spanish service). I don't really know why this woman wants to sing with the choir.  It will definitely be good to have her singing on Good Friday, when we will be doing sacred pieces by Schumann.  She is singing in the soprano section, so I am singing in the alto section, which makes sense because nobody in the alto section can make a big enough sound to sing with an orchestra.  I just don't want to get stuck in the alto section not because I don't like singing low, but because (I have probably mentioned this before) although soprano parts sometimes go low, alto parts never go high, so singing alto all the time is like going to the gym and only exercising half my body.

A while back I spoke to the choir director and asked if there would be any solos in the Good Friday music and was told that there might be a sopranos solo that was not too high that I might sing.  So what will happen now? Best scenario would be if the music contains both a soprano and an alto solo.  Then everyone will be happy. 

I think what bothered me so much about the situation with Little Miss wasn't how well she sang (although yes, it was gut-wrenching to know that I was less vocally polished than a 20-year-old;  being less polished than a 30-year-old would probably smart less) but all the attention she got.  To me that bespoke poor leadership as much as anything because particularly in a group setting whoever does or does not get solos, it is not appropriate to ooh and ah and gush over someone.

It is interesting also to see how different these two women's Facebook presences are.  Little Miss's page is filled with videos of her (often posted by other people) shared and circulated everywhere and gushed over by family and voice teachers. On the other hand, the new dramatic soprano has nothing on her Facebook page but pictures of her wedding.

As for other solos, I will have something either on Maundy Thursday or the Sunday after Easter. So between that and wanting to make a big plummy "professional" sound on the alto part in the Schumann, I am going to work on my lower register for a while (the Maundy Thursday solo would probably be the Vivaldi "Qui Sedes al Dexteram Patris").

I suppose the saddest thing isn't this or that individual, but that because of where I live, every year a new tidal wave of elite singers gets vomited up from conservatories all over the country, so no matter how much better I sing with each passing year, I can't get off the ocean floor.

Don't Worry; It Gets Worse

Nothing is happening on the Medicaid front.  Or rather, things are creeping along.  Will her money outlast this dawdling?  I have no idea.  Money is still hemorrhaging out paying for the private aide.  The nursing home screwed up the paperwork yet again.  The Medicaid Group that is helping us wants more money.  The money that was supposed to come from Texas on the 24th did not come.  (I called the bank manager and she is looking into it; the money comes from rents from a farm that my partner and some of her relatives own). I told the CEO of the Medicaid group that I would make a partial payment but not a complete final payment.  She is very nice and seemed to be OK with that.  My partner is confused.  OK, so she meets the textbook definition of compos mentis but she certainly can't wrap her head around all these financial intricacies and what's possible and what isn't. (We are going to try to get her free help from the city until the application is approved.)

And then there's Trump.  Everything he has done is so fascistic there are no words.  Other people seem to be able to discourse about these things better than I can, even though everyone always thought I was smart and I am good with words.  Most of my friends across the country went to the women's march.  I didn't.  I thought my place was with my partner, taking care of her.  Particularly if there was even a .02 percent chance I might be in harm's way.  I have no idea if these marches will accomplish anything.  What frightens me the most about Trump isn't even his assault on healthcare, but his assault on journalists and scientists.  If truth-tellers are muzzled, what kind of country are we living in?  I can't believe that Congress, even a Republican Congress, can support these things.

So am I singing.  Yes, I try to practice every day.  My upper register keeps getting more secure although when I went over the Amneris/Radames duet at my lesson on Tuesday the first high B flat sounded straight and strident.  Subsequent ones sounded better but of course the acid test is how the phrase sounds after singing the entire scene.  I don't think I want to sing it in public right now, which is fine.

I spoke to my teacher about planning a concert at the nursing home where my partner was.  I should certainly be out of the woods with all this by May.  I think I will do a variant of my birthday concert, taking out some of the numbers I didn't care for all that much and substituting them with some solos for my teacher and maybe one duet from an opera.  I do want to sing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" and "Home Sweet Home", two simple songs that I have a very powerful emotional connection with.

Choir rehearsal last night was a dud.  We were working on a spiritual with a high soprano part.  I certainly could have sung it - or not.  The choir director asked most of the second sopranos to sing the alto part instead and asked the altos to sing the tenor part.  There are very few men, and there was a split bass part, so he split that between the tenors and basses.  I don't care what part I sing, really, if it's in the interests of the piece as a whole, but I really resent being told which part I would find more "comfortable".  No, I do not find it more comfortable to sing a part that sits around the E at the bottom of the staff.  That takes a lot of finesse, moving in and out of chest voice.  This is an important skill for this mezzo to have, so that's fine.  It was his use of the word "comfortable" that really teed me off.  How does he know what is or isn't comfortable for me to sing?  Like most dramatic mezzos, when I sound like I'm pushing my voice and screaming is when I am singing with the least tension and get the least tired.  I would have had no problem if the choir director had said that he wanted X vocal color on the top line, not Y vocal color.  That's an artistic decision which is fine.  Also I think I would have been less angry if there had been some of the trained high sopranos there.  But what he did was have one second soprano (who does have high notes, just a bit straight-toney) sing up there and then one of the other second sopranos (the only person I can think of in the choir who can barely carry a tune and can't even make it up to a G!) asked if she could "try" to sing the top part and he said yes.  As I said, I don't mind being told that my vocal palette is not right for a particular piece of music or part, but I really resent being told I need to take the easy route, like someone who is less skilled.

Maybe it's time for me to start planning another concert.

Calm After the Storm

Now we have new music to work on.

Ironically, one is a piece by a little known 20th century composer named Booth (he used to be the music director at the church in the 1930s) that was inspired by Lohengrin.  I would never in a million years guess that the piece was written in the 20th century.

It is absolutely gorgeous, but the soprano part involves way too much sustained high singing for this mezzo.  We're only talking about Fs and Gs, but it's a page that sits up there with noplace to take a breath. The alto part is in a decent rage (goes up to an E flat).  So I told the choir director that I would sing alto on that piece.  Ideally (and I only thought of this after the fact), with the current assortment of singers, the piece should be sung SATB as written with the second sopranos dropping down to the alto part for the last page.  This would be fine if there will be a high soprano or two to sing the top part.  I have no idea who will be there that day.  The irony is that I easily could have sung the soprano part in the Mendelssohn because it moved around and there were piano interludes between the parts that were sung.

Basically the problem (for the choir as a whole) is aside from the handful of trained lyric sopranos (who don't sing regularly) what the section has is me (a trained mezzo) and a group  of women with no training.  I can sing higher than any of them except one, and none of them can sing legato, so they need someone to hold the part together, sort of the way egg holds certain cooked dishes together (odd metaphor, I know).  So it's fine if the part doesn't sit high, then I can play that function.  Otherwise not, although it's rare for there to be a piece in so high a tessitura that I can't sing it particularly if I can sing full voice. (The alto section already has at least one, maybe two, women who sing with a nice line, they just don't have a wide range.)

Of course the upshot of all this is that high sopranos (and of course men) are highly prized and women with lower voices are not.

In any event, this is a beautiful piece of music.

So now it's back to working on my birthday concert.  This will be an opportunity for me to do a variety of different kinds of things that I don't usually: sing nonclassical music, research some of the songs and come up with things to say in between the sets, and connect to the audience through the spoken word.

I can invite 10 guests.  Whether my partner is one of them I guess remains to be seen.

Ah, Schadenfreude! And Now Let's Move On

Well, Sunday morning I woke up at 3:30 (I was really wired both about the upcoming service and about some plans to do with my birthday concert that didn't work out) and then was only beginning to be able to get back to sleep when the alarm went off at 6.  So OK, I got five hours of sleep, certainly enough.

When I got to church, there were only three (second) sopranos, none with any training and really only one who knows how to stay on a part so of course the section sounded God awful.  The Director of Music was there conducting and he had to work with them separately.  There was one line (no high notes; went up to a D) that was very exposed that they could not sing at all, apparently, so the three higher altos (me and two others) ended up singing it with them.

Do I really care which part I sing on a gorgeous piece of music like that?  No.  Mendelssohn writes lovely alto parts that have a decent range.  The reason I was so angry is that it's all about perception.  I don't like being made to feel like a big oaf trampling on someone's flowers, which is so often how I am made to feel.  If that were counterbalanced by the choir director's occasionally saying something like "thank you babydramatic for holding that note without breathing!" or calling as much attention to something I did well as to something I did (in his opinion) badly that would be fine.

Also IMHO it was a wrong-headed decision to arrange the women the way he did.  If I were in charge of that particular assortment of women (I am being totally objective here) I would have kept me with the sopranos (there is already one alto with training) and told the sopranos not to sing the high A because really no one except a trained lyric soprano (not a trained mezzo with a loud voice and certainly not untrained sopranos) can sing it decently.  I could certainly hold the part together, sing the high Gs (which were all marked forte; they were not "float-y") and the balance would have been better.

Well, now it's on to the next thing, a lengthy piece in Hebrew that sounds a lot like Copeland (and it turns out that Copeland was the composer's mentor, so yes! I am developing a trained ear!).  It has eight parts and the second soprano part is quite easy to stay on (also it is written with only two parts per staff).  Sometimes there are only four parts and the soprano part goes up to a G, but it is definitely something I can sing, including one note that probably is float-y.  I just have to work on it.

As well as working on the music for my birthday concert.  A lot of it is non-classical (although I can sing it with my "legit" voice) so I want to work on style.

And a dear dear friend, the woman who gave me the idea for the birthday concert in the first place, who has very little money and lives mostly on Social Security volunteered to send me a bouquet of flowers for my concert.  She said she had wanted to surprise me but then thought she needed to know which day to send them, so I told her, and thanked her profusely.  Yes, that's what thoughtfulness looks like.

Sad, Angry, and Manic

I am in one of the worst moods I have been in in a long time.

I had worked really hard on the soprano part of the St. Paul piece.  It was not comfortable, but it was certainly manageable if I sang it full voice.  Yes I can sing a pianissimo high G but only in a piece where the phrase is meant to be sung pianissimo.  These phrases are all marked forte.

Now, let me first say that if when he handed the music out, the choir director had said to me "why don't you sing the alto part on this piece, it's lovely" (true - the altos do a lot of singing on their own) that would have been fine and in fact if we still had trained high sopranos, I would have volunteered to sing the alto part, but I didn't think there was anyone who could sing the soprano part.  But what happened instead was that I started singing and he asked me to sing with the altos "in certain sections".  So first, I was angry that I felt that I was made a spectacle of in a negative way (he has never given me any public compliments, unlike the ones he often gave Little Miss; the only times he has ever spoken to me in front of the group has been about something negative although he has given me compliments of various kinds in private).  Second, singing with the altos "in certain sections" would have been a lose/lose proposition because then I wouldn't get to sing the lovely alto sections or the soprano high notes.  So I just said "why don't I just switch sections" and he said "fine". Actually the part is lovely (and it goes up to an E not a C) and I brought every ounce of vocal technique to it.

When he rehearsed sections alone at one point the sopranos sang the bit going up to the high A, which sounded, to be polite, rather anemic and tinny (I think only two people were singing), some woman in the alto section said "Wow".  Really??? No one has ever said "wow" in public over anything I sang.  People have come up to me in private and complimented me when I've sung a solo but that's about it.

Then to make everything worse at the end of the rehearsal when the choir director asked if there were any announcements, after a few about people who were ill, the tenor from the conservatory (the one with the rude wife), who only seems to be interested in other people from conservatories, announced that Little Miss is going to be an apprentice at Caramoor.  Who effing cares?  As a friend of mine used to say, "Let's talk about the people who are in the room."  It was different at least when she had a recital  because that was something people could be invited to.

I felt like going home and throwing dishes and screaming.  My therapist has told me that when I feel like that probably what I want to do is cry, so I did that too.

This morning I spoke to my partner about how upset I was.  I don't usually bother her about problems that don't concern her because she is so frail, but I just wanted a hug, a compliment, some affirmation, anything.

What I decided, after trying to pull myself together (crying is bad for the voice no matter what range I'm going to be singing in) was that what I want most is a video.  What better vehicle for public kvelling?  So I will post something on Facebook about my birthday concert (just in general terms) about this, and then home in on some specific people as the time approaches.  For now, I don't even know how many guests I can invite.

In the Words of my Cynthia...

I see that the month is almost over and I have not written anything.  Actually, this is a good sign.  I tend to write either when I am unhappy, or when I have some sort of news, and neither has actually been the case.

Choir season has started and I can really see my new technique in action.  We are singing a Handel piece for Reformation Sunday and I really hope that I can get to sing the soprano part, as I can sing it really well (I don't know if that would have been the case even two years ago). It only goes up to a G and it moves around.  On the other hand, there is a top alto part that may be underpowered (or maybe not - it doesn't go very high so they should be able to pull some of the seconds).  I will sing it if asked, but would rather not (I am always happy to sing top alto parts that are peppered with Es and Fs but that's another story.)

Our star violinist has moved to another job at another church.  Maybe Little Miss will go with him?  I know when I heard choral singing there, the choir director's wife sang all the soprano solos, and he is still there, so probably she is so you never know.  On the  other hand, Little Miss will probably be spending less time in our neck of the woods.

I am continuing to work on Carmen.  The A flats that seemed so high a year and a half ago, that sounded great, but took so much work, are now effortless.  The B in the Sequidilla is manageable.  I usually have been vocalizing up to a high C sharp but yesterday I had trouble, probably because I had had a cold for two days.  As a result of all the toddlers at the church (this was what my doctor told me) I have started getting colds of the sort I got as a child but never as an adult: intractable stopped up nose (does not respond to the Neti pot and in fact using it is dangerous) and runny snot.  Fortunately they don't last more than two days.

I still don't have a definite date, but my voice teacher has gone back to singing tenor and wants to sing Don Jose.  I am staying on top of trying to get everything in order for this and my birthday concert.

Lastly (which comes to the title of this post), thanks to a nudge from a woman in the choir who is also a playwright, I have finished the draft of my Cinderella play.  I don't want to say too much, as it is not copyrighted, but at the end of the final scene, suddenly my protagonist just blurted out something that explains my continued involvement with the Lutheran church, which seems strange to people considering that my Unitarian blend of Christianity, Judaism, and Paganism isn't going anyplace soon.  High church Christian houses of worship have the best theater.  It's that simple.  I'm playing a role and the choir robe with the cross on it is my costume.  And what glorious music!!  Unitarians just don't know how to do that, even with a different theology as a starting point.  The women's Moon Circles that I go to are good theater, but I couldn't make them my only spiritual nourishment because there's no music, only chanting.

Well, for what it's worth, here's what Cynthia said:

You can make theater anywhere, now that I think of it.  That’s why I like singing in church services.  I am not religious .... but if you want to hear glorious music and colorful stories while sitting in a magnificent historic building, a church service is the best bargain around. And when I sing (in a choir robe, or in a black dress) as a soloist or choir member, the issue isn’t what I believe, but what the people listening believe; that I am bringing to life something profoundly moving and meaningful to them, just like being in a play or opera, only on a smaller scale, and without having to be in a decidedly un-spiritual and snarky cutthroat environment (you should hear some of my former conservatory classmates talk about other people; you wouldn’t believe it). 

I think this will stand me in good stead for a long time.  And I have made some wonderful friends.

A Broken Resolve, Sort Of

I know I had promised, as a Lenten discipline, not to complain, but if I am feeling despondent, it is better to turn bad feelings into a (good) piece of writing than to have them whirling around in my head.

First, I want to say that I am so, so, so happy with all the technical progress I keep making.  After years of getting stuck on various plateaus and thinking that certain problems were insurmountable, suddenly, some time last year, everything took off.  And the progress continues.  Not to repeat things I've already said, but I think it began with my dealing with my bunged up postnasal area, not just by using the Neti pot, but by being aware that that whole area was constricted and that I did not lift my soft palate when I sang.  Then after years of work, the "gag reflex" that stubbornly kicked in when I tried to sing above an A natural began to disappear.  Dare I say that I now may have a performance ready B flat?  That I could open my mouth and sing?  It sill requires me to make certain "gestures", to physicalize it (I am not sure if that is the proper term) but I didn't used to be able to do it at all.  And I can easily sing arpeggios up to a high C.  And with all that, the middle and bottom of my voice has gotten bigger and darker. And I have learned (I hope!) a trick of how to "bounce" my abdominal muscles to hold on to high notes so everything doesn't go rigid and cause the note to first get "straight" and then be unsustainable.

I have been sailing through the Giovanna Seymour scene and have revisited Laura's aria from Gioconda (a staple of my repertoire since the first time I sang, which on the one hand is easy but on the other is full of bad habits) and it sounds completely different.

And I can hear it in choir rehearsals as well.  Usually when we sing a big piece on Good Friday I end up singing alto but this time we are doing excerpts from the Dvorak Requiem in which, at least so far, the soprano line is tailor made for a dramatic mezzo (lots of Es Fs and Gs at the top of the staff marked "FF").  So I am singing in the soprano section.  If I can sing with my real voice I will be fine and won't get tired.

I still don't know whether or not I will sing in the Spanish afternoon service.  They may not be using music at all.  If they will be, however, I think I will sing.  I have two possible ideas: the Rossini "Agnus Dei" (aka the "sexy Agnus Dei") or the "Qui Sedes" from the Vivaldi Gloria 588.  Neither of them is high, although the Rossini is long.

So, you are asking, where are the complaints?

Well, first of all, as it has taken me all these years to even have the beginnings of a decent technique that I can rely on throughout my range, I have not tried to "polish" myself.  So I sing with a music stand, looking like a statue (although I always remember to smile when I am not actually singing) or, once in a blue moon, I sing something non-churchly, in which instance I look awkward and nervous.  Even if I am not a "basket case" the fact that I am nervous comes through in how I use my body; namely, as an aide to breath support or opening everything up for high notes.

So why am I thinking about this again?  I made the very stupid mistake of looking at "Little Miss"'s Facebook page.  I mean even though she always shows up as a "person I might know" and even though I have other choir members as "friends" whom I don't know any better than I know her, it's always, like, no thanks.  So there was a video of her singing in a masterclass with a prestigious teacher at her prestigious conservatory (I don't know what she was singing, it was something in English that was not identified) and there were posts telling her what a star she was, that she was real star material, and yes, her vocal technique and her way of moving and presenting herself on the stage were totally perfect and she's bloody 23!!!!

Normally, these demographics in and of themselves would not bother me.  I have watched Master Class videos before.  But those are people I don't know.  This young woman is on my turf, in my choir, sucking  up endless paeans of praise (from the sublime to the silly), swanning in and out to be the "descant" of a piece when we've all been there slaving on Wednesday nights, and it is just all too much.

So I feel sad.  My therapist  hinted that it might be better to feel sad than to feel angry, but so, OK, now I feel both like crying and like throwing a chair through a window.

I mean so what I have is my pitiful (and begged for) video of "Et Exsultavit".  There are so many things wrong with it, even though I know I sound better than I ever have singing that piece.  It is not polished.  It is not equivalent.  No one gives a flying fig about it, except my voice teacher who told me, yes, I sounded much better than the last time I had sung that, and then gave me some constructive criticism that was helpful.  A few months ago a friend gave me an iPad (I don't want to get into too much detail here) and I am going to buy a "tripod" for it so that I can videotape myself.  (This, of course, will also require that I practice while decently dressed with makeup on, which I usually don't, as I spend about 75% of my life working at home in pajamas.)

I just don't know where to go, where I can still sing regularly, but get away from this.  I sound good enough now that actually it astounds me that there is not some small puddle where people have less training, yet still want to sing, where I can be the "special one".  Maybe the Alzheimers chorus (and I am not referencing the fact that I don't have Alzheimers; neither do half the people in that chorus as it is made up of pairs of patients and their caregivers).  We are still on target for auditioning for them after Easter.

Actually, to clarify, I don't think I would be that bothered if there were someone in the choir who sang better and was much more polished who was, well, 40!!!  Then I could use that person as some sort of mentor and she would probably be happy to be in that sort of role. (There is a man who somewhat fits that description but he is obviously only interested in conservatory students and has never given me even so much as the time of day, certainly not about my singing.)  Then it would be a win-win situation all around.

To be fair, "Little Miss" is not stuck up and is very sweet.  I guess people think she's cute.  She's 23 and looks about 15 (although she has a big voice, not a light piping one).  I guess no one kvells over you when you're a few months away from Medicare.  Unless that person is very very special and very very savvy.

Not Grieving Today

I feel the need to drop by today to reassure readers after that lengthy and perhaps maudlin post of yesterday (although I didn't mean it to be such; it was more of an essay on the nature of grieving than a plaint), that today I am feeling really happy.

First I have to say that some of the personnel changes at the church that are in progress are making a difference.

The new Director of Music Ministries was trained as a choral conductor. He teaches at a city college and directs their community chorus.  Community choruses are often places where late blooming talent blooms, so I feel that he can relate.

Last night this new Director led the choir and it just "felt" different.  He got there late and told us to "warm up on our own" so Little Miss (the one he had called because her boyfriend works at the church and therefore she has keys) and I actually led the warmups as a group effort!!  It was fun.  And when we got to singing the choral pieces I never felt that I had to pretend to sound like a light soprano or I would get a snarky look.  I just sang with my real voice and followed the dynamics.  And you had better believe that people noticed that in one place there was an E at the bottom of the staff that I was able to hold for four (slow) measures.

After rehearsal we went through "Et Exsultavit" for the Spanish service.  It was fun, and he provided a supportive accompaniment.  I didn't worry that I was singing too loud, I just went with the flow of the piece (and, in the Director's words "nailed" that long run).

After that I just blurted out "now I have to find something to sing for Lent".  So we discussed different denominations' take on Lent and the music they wanted to use.  Then I asked him if he had ever heard the "sexy Agnus dei"

http://youtu.be/LMO9Yk41LUM

He told me yes, that he had done the choral version with one of his community choruses (I don't know if this was as a director or a chorister).  And I. may. get. to. sing. it. this. Lent.  Not with the choral backup, and perhaps with a cut, but it is a possiblitiy!!!.  And if not, I will find something else.

Musing on Voice Fachs

In line with my attempt to get more readers by using frequently searched key words in my titles, I have come up with this one. Voice Fachs is certainly a term that people want to know about.

I am a dramatic mezzo-soprano.  I have some disagreements with the statements on the page that you get if you click on "dramatic mezzo-soprano" in that I would have chosen different roles and arias (I would not have included Adalgisa and would have included Azucena, for example and I would have used Dolora Zajick as the prime example) but that is my voice fach.  I don't (yet) have the range required; I basically sing comfortably in the two octave range from low A to high A (although my B flat is getting better by the minute and I am vocalizing solidly up to a high C every day), but I would most definitely have had the range if I had studied seriously even from my 20s on.  Certainly I believe that if I had kept studying I would have had a full dramatic mezzo voice with all its technical capabilities by the time I was 40.  (What type of "career" I would have had is anyone's guess, but that's another matter.)

What's frustrating in my life now, is that my primary outlet for singing is a church choir (and the occasional solo).

Most of the time I sing second soprano although if the parts are high, I will sing first alto.  If there are only two women's parts I usually sing soprano, which almost never involves singing above a G. This is more satisfying than singing alto because I get to use my head voice regularly, bu if I sing soprano I have to alter the color of my voice to sound like a lyric soprano.  Having grown up imitating Julie Andrews and the sopranos on my mother's Gilbert and Sullivan recordings, I know how to do that without choking off my voice, but that sound is not me.  If a piece has only two women's parts and the soprano part sits in too high a tessitura (requiring one to "float", say, a high A) I will switch to alto, which is usually frustrating because I never get to sing above a D, and often have to do a lot of singing below middle C or smack in the middle of my lower passaggio break.

So my dramatic mezzo voice is rarely showcased in any way.  It's always "sing softly" or "sing lightly", which of course I can do, but again, it is not what I do best.

One of my endless sources of frustration is that in this choir any time someone shows up with a high soprano voice with any training, that person becomes a "Golden Child" and everyone buzzes about and oohs and ahs.  So sometimes it feels like there is a choir, which is meant to be a group endeavor (I have certainly had the Diva in me squelched often enough to have had that drummed into me), but that really, to paraphrase George Orwell "Everyone is equal, but the highest soprano is more equal than others."

No one seems to really know that my voice fach is much much rarer than that of a lyric soprano, because the range I sing in is not that different from the ranges of female choral singers with no training.

Ditto when there are solos interspersed into choir pieces.  These seem to always be for whoever the highest soprano is that season, never for women with lower voices.  If something is marked "solo" and it is written for a woman with a lower voice, the choir director asks everyone to sing it - because they can.

This coming Sunday we will be singing Argento's "Gloria", which, because it is from an opera, sits in a high range for all four parts.  So I am singing the alto part which goes repeatedly up to an F sharp.  It is a dream of a part for me because it sits in the best part of my voice, but because it is an alto part, I can sing with my real dramatic mezzo voice.  And it has high visibility, which is a big treat.  But, you see, there are now a total of 9 altos including myself (one of the other second sopranos just decided to switch) and only 3 sopranos.  This is of course the exact opposite of how things are in the real classical singing world, where lyric sopranos are plentiful and dramatic mezzos, not to mention contraltos, are rare.

So how do I educate people about the fact that my voice fach is special and unusual?

P.S. This post covers some ground that I have covered in other blog posts, but I have tried to make it more informative and less personal, in case I decide to post it somewhere a little more public.

Knowing Who Your Friends Are

This sounds so simple.  When I was growing up, I always seemed to have a friend who was thinner and more self-confident, who made me feel fat and coarse (details here ).  That, in and of itself is not surprising as that scenario is played out over and over again.  It's just human nature, I suppose, and probably there were girls who felt that way around me (probably not at 9 or 10, but certainly by the time I was 13 or 14). Just read Great Expectations.

As I got older, of course, these things became harder to detect.  I have done a good job of cutting all the snarky diva/vocal pedagogue/opinionators off my Facebook and blog feeds.  I still read things from voice teachers who stick to vocal technique and repertoire suggestions, but I really don't need to hear about how amateur(ish) classical singers are murdering Art.  It's not really that different from telling a woman who wears a size 16 that she's "murdering" someone's high fashion dress originally designed for a size 0.  Somewhere there will be people who think the size 16 woman looks beautiful in the dress, just as somewhere there will be people who think my singing (at its best, today, right now, which is all I can do right now) sounds "professional".

But people who snark are not the only enemy (and FWIW, snark is bad even if it's not directed at me personally; people who see the need to write this way are not spiritually healthy people).  People who ignore and snub me, whether intentionally or unintentionally, are not my friends either, and I should stop expecting things from them.

So basically it boils down to this.  The choir director is never going to thank me for anything in front of the group (never mind that Wednesday I held together the entire alto section because, in the absence of the only trained alto,  I was the only one who can sing that part, which regularly goes up to an E and an F).  He will thank Little Miss for her high C, and the operatic tenor for his high A (did that Wednesday), but he will never thank me.  (I had to laugh because he said "well altos, you seem to be doing pretty well singing up there.  See?" as if it was some kind of mystery that he hadn't figured out!!!!) He is also never going to be proactive about inviting anyone to anything that I am performing in, never going to forward electronic flyers, never going to say "Let's come and show our support".

So I need to just write him off.  Show up there (because right now for me it's the only game in town; even the Alzheimer chorus is on the line because my partner may back out regardless of the time of year) sing my part perfectly, if it's something that I can sing like a solo do so, pretend I am a professional section leader in terms of my level of "professionalism" and, if I want to sing a solo, contact the new Director and arrange to schedule something.  If I mostly only get to sing in the Spanish service, that's fine.  It has gotten very large and I can sing things in Spanish or Latin.  And sometimes people from the regular services come, because they want to improve their Spanish.  I was going to sing one of the Nin Christmas songs, but that got scrapped because of a scheduling conflict, so I will sing "Et Exsultavit" on Transfiguration Sunday.  It will be such a pleasure to be able to sing with my "real" voice and not try to make myself sound like a light soprano to please the choir director, or my other coach, who because she herself is a light soprano, tries to get me to use technical tricks that are not suitable for my voice type.

In more optimistic news, the Giovanna Seymour scene is going very well.  I am a bit nervous about that one top A in the beginning that I have to hold for a long time, but if I drop my larynx, raise my palate, and stay buoyant (the last is the hardest because I so often feel down and discouraged and it somatizes itself) I can do it.  As for the very high part at the end, there is one top A that my teacher told me not to sing.  It is the very last one before the high climax (which is easy because I will have had plenty of rest) and is part of a fast passage - the last one, so it is easy to run out of breath.  It all goes so fast he said I should just stay on the F sharp.  He also told me that I should try singing the entire scene as I would in the concert, giving myself the full amount of rest I would have if he were singing.  So to do that, I had to use the keyboard rather than the pitch pipe.  The keyboard is near my front door, which meant that yesterday I sang through the entire scene fairly close to my front door, which meant that it was fully audible to the music critic down the hall.  People don't understand how intimidating it is to sing with neighbors like that.  He is someone else who pretty much ignores me.  I mean he is a lovely gentleman (even once offered to take my garbage down when we met in the elevator) but he mostly ignores the fact that I sing and chooses not to engage with me about it.

What's good is that I think my teacher is (finally) impressed with all the progress I have made and now takes me seriously, which I don't think he did before.

I am also spinning my wheels regarding what to do about Carmen.  I think that performance piece has "legs", either to be performed as I did it last year, or to repackage as a one woman show, where I did all the readings and interspersed the singing in little fragments (I have seen plenty of one woman shows with music where this kind of thing was done).  The question is how to market it.  One big problem is that I  have no "partner", by which I mean a prestigious institution to piggy-back it onto. Considering how big and diverse this city is, there have to groups of people who want to (or think they should want to) learn something about classical music and wouldn't know Juilliard from a hole in the ground.  I could get them excited about the story because it has lots of sex and violence and is about racial minorities of a sort.

So let's make 2015 the year of  Marketing.

The Year So Far

I was hoping that having a list of resolutions would make me feel fresh, new, cheerful, and optimistic about 2015, but it hasn't, really.

I still stand with my life behind my first resolution: that my number one priority is to make the rest of my partner's life (however long that is; she is 80) as happy as possible.  I mean every time I think of how empty and frustrating my life feels,  I remember that if I didn't have her, annoyances and all, it could be oh, so much emptier.

That being said, I broke part of my first resolution less than 12 hours into the New Year: I lost my temper at her over something trivial.  Then I cried.  Hardly a way to start things off with a bang.  I didn't cry because I lost my temper, not really. It was over an object. Did I ever mention that I hate objects the way some people hate spelling or math? They always stump me.  I am fine with technology, because that is more like math or logic.  It doesn't involve how objects are put together in three dimensions.

But that is not what I was crying over.  I was crying over how all the hard work I put into singing seems to get me nowhere but I don't want to stop doing it.  When I say "nowhere" I don't mean I don't make technical progress, I mean that I feel pushed into the background by everyone and everything.  If Little Miss and her solo soprano voice (yes, I really do get the point that Peg made about how that voice fits into the sound that the choir director likes for choir pieces) are going to dominate my experience with the choir, I need to find another arena, but what?? Going to lessons and singing in a concert once a year that hardly anyone comes to isn't it, although that is important to do just so that I can have the challenge of getting up and singing in front of people.  Well, maybe things are not that bleak.  With the new Director of Music Ministries in charge of the schedule I'm sure I can find solo spots.  There are three services every Sunday there.

I think what I really want is to find a way of expressing my displeasure (other than "vaguebooking" on Facebook) and I don't have one.

At least when I worked in an office once a year I could write a self-evaluation, not to mention that there was a Human Resources department, even if only as a symbol.

I had been hoping to do something with the Alzheimer chorus (which might be a long shot because my partner does not technically have Alzheimers) but now they have switched the first rehearsal from Thursday to Wednesday, which is the day she has started getting food from God's Love We Deliver, so she has to be home.  I told her not to worry for one second about this.  I am thrilled that she is getting this food.  She got Meals on Wheels for years and found them inedible, which meant we had to spend just as much on groceries and she ate almost nothing except cheese danish and soy yoghurt (with the occasional BLT ordered from a coffee shop) unless I was there, and kept getting skinnier and more malnourished.  The food from God's Love is really good food.  She is very lucky to have gotten certified by both a doctor and a social worker to receive it.  So I wrote to the woman in charge of the chorus and said that we could come for evaluation at the second rehearsal, which is on the regular day, Thursday, but that we can not come on Wednesday.  So I will see what kind of response I get.  I was hoping to do something with that chorus for several reasons.  The main one, of course, was that it would be something the two of us could do out of the house together.  But the second one was that maybe that was someplace that my talents could be appreciated.

Anyhow, if we don't go to that evaluation this coming Wednesday I am still going to stick to my plan of showing up at choir rehearsal at 7:45.  There is absolutely no reason for me to be there to "warm up".  I do that at home and if the choir director doesn't like how I sound when I unleash my voice in a way that feels healthy then I don't need to be there doing that.  If I am singing a piece I can follow the dynamics as they are written.

And I am waiting to get the choir schedule so that I can contact the Director (who also plays for the Spanish services) about singing a Spanish art song during Epiphany.  On Epiphany itself (this Sunday) there is a new Spanish choir that will be singing something.

As for how my own practicing is going, the Giovanna Seymour duet sounds really really good and I don't find it hard.  And I sang through "Rejoice Greatly" in Spanish, just for fun.  I sang that a few years ago on Epiphany.  That also went like a house afire.  What is not such good news, though, is that the dreaded ascending phrase in the Amneris/Radames duet still defeats me.  I can sing it the second time, because there is less singing involved, but the first time, if I start with "Chi ti salva" I run out of steam on that ascending phrase and can't make it up to the B flat so that it sounds like a note.  I need to see if I can apply some of my newfound technical progress to that.  I can certainly sing really good high B flats in my warmups.

I just wish I could feel more optimistic about this coming year....

ETA: I heard back from the woman in charge of the Alzheimers chorus and she said yes, we can come Thursday the 15th.  So maybe that will be the beginning or something fulfilling.  And I will show up Wednesday for choir practice at 7:45 as I planned.

Something Old, Something New

As for the something old, which I am trying not to seethe over: we are singing a very complex piece for Christ the King Sunday.  When I listened to the sound file, it sounded as if it had a solo quartet in it.  It does, in fact (or mostly a solo trio, ATB).  So I said to the choir director that I would be interested in singing the alto part.  Whoever is singing on the sound file has a rich mezzo voice like mine (well, in the largest scheme of things, my voice may not be that "rich", but it certainly is for a choir of singers with smaller voices).  He said he would probably have all the altos sing it, and  I can see the point in that; otherwise people don't have that much singing to do.  Ideally, looking the piece over, it should have two or three full choir sections and the rest interspersed solos (mostly ATB trios, and a few SSA sections).  But as it is a choir anthem, everything might as well be sung by everyone.  But here's the rub.  There is one long, achingly beautiful, arching phrase that sits on a high A, that is labeled "soprano solo" .  As no one else can sing it (there are two new high sopranos but they are not trained), it will go to "you know who" (who does not come to Wednesday rehearsals any more, but sings Sundays) and then it will become a "thing", and people will ooh and ah over it, and no one will care how many vocal assets other people (including Yours truly) are bringing to this endeavor, and I'm just sick of the whole gestalt.

Fortunately I will be singing "Patiently Have I Waited for the Lord" from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio the following Sunday, the Sunday after Thanksgiving, which has no choir scheduled (the church now has four choirs).  As for the "something new" there are some personnel changes in the music program at the church, which may change the "tone" slightly.  A man who is an experienced choral conductor (whom I have known for a while;  he used to have a smaller role in the music program) has now been made head of all the music ministries at the church.  Our regular choir director is still directing our choir, but he is no longer involved in services that don't use our choir.  So, for example, how I got the opportunity to sing on November 30 came about because this man asked our choir if anyone wanted to do anything on that day, as there was no anthem scheduled.  So I volunteered and he put me in touch with a new pianist that they have, who will be playing.  In any event, I have a hunch (hope?) that this new director is a little more savvy about how to deal with groups. Just to keep things straight, I think our current choir director is wonderful at leading the choir, is a superb musician, doesn't ask people to do things that are vocally harmful, and is basically a good person, but does not know how to handle group dynamics all that well (by which I mean not realizing that it will tick certain people off if he keeps giving this young lady special treatment.)  Which makes sense, as he started out as a concert pianist and piano teacher not a choral conductor, so he may not have taken classes in group psychology or that type of thing.  So for example, I think that this new director would be more sensitive to seeing to it that solo and featured opportunities are more evenly divided among the people who want them and most particularly, that they are more evenly divided among voice types.  And he may have different taste in voices.  For example, I think our current choir director just does not like big dramatic singing.

Another "something new" that has pleased me is that there are new people in the choir who are not trained singers, and they have asked me for help; not about singing, but about foreign pronunciation and things like how to "parse" a piece so that they know which part they are singing and when to come in.  No one did that before.

At one of my last therapy session, I lit a candle and made a wish.  I was told to make the wish pretty general.  So I wished for "joy and visibility".  For me they are both connected to some extent.  I often can experience contentment, or "serenity" (boooooring, although I suppose it might not be if I didn't have it), but rarely joy, elation, or anticipatory excitement.  In any event, a lot of those latter are tied up in visibility for me.  Wanting to be somewhere where I feel that my talents and skills can sparkle and shine and I can get praise and recognition (after I've worked very hard for it, of course) is just hard-wired into my DNA, I think.  Some people don't want those things.  Interestingly,  I don't particularly want praise for "doing good".  I think doing good is important (which is why I take care of my loved one, even though she drives me crazy) but I don't do it to get praise or recognition.  But if I count the times Little Miss Conservatory has gotten public praise or recognition during these choir rehearsals with the number of times I (or most people) have, it boils down to about 20 to 1.  She may very well have a real career in front of her.  So can't I be allowed to shine in a choir where no one gets paid, pls?  

I still have hopes for the Alzheimer chorus.  I have no idea what will come of it (if they have regular rehearsals in the snowy season it may not be manageable for my partner, or they may think we're not suitable), but if it works out, it will not only be a source of shared enjoyment with my partner (and be something we can do out of the house!!) but it may be an area in which I can shine and use my talents.  And be visible.

Next Year in_______________

My communist mother used to have a saying: "Don't mourn, organize!" so it is getting to be about that time again.  The time I start thinking about next year's concert.

Each year - I hope - I build on what I learned from the last time.

So what did I learn from Carmen?  I suppose that I have to find a different kind of audience.  I can't rely on my social circle because there are just too many other things they'd rather be doing, no matter how much they care about me.  Which I suppose says something about the nature of my social circle.  I have a significant other who is elderly and disabled, no blood relatives, no bffs, really, or the ones I have don't live in New York or they are up to their eyeballs in family problems, and a large circle of acquaintances who have season tickets to hear the best music there is, or who trawl the city for free concerts.

So what's next?  There's a Salvation Army residence near the church where my teacher's group has sung concert operas.  In fact one of the women in the choir lives there.  They have a performance space, and I don't think I would have to pay to use it.  My choir colleague says that the acoustics are not great, but my teacher says it is a "nice" place to sing and that people are appreciative (my built in audience - and if people don't come no one will give me a "look" the way the woman did when I didn't have a big enough audience for Carmen.)

My teacher said maybe we can sing together.  He is dying to do excerpts from Bolena.  I bought the score and now I'm getting cold feet.  I can probably do the duet with Enrico if we take a cut in it (the last portion has a long repeat, for me in a very high tessitura), but do I really sound all that great up there?  I think I sound better as Amneris, aside from the treacherous duet with the tenor.

Well, when I have my next lesson I will talk to my teacher.  I might be happier if he and I did a reprise of the concert I did with the other bass several years ago. We did the Judgment Scene from Aida, the Vengeance Duet from Samson et Dalila, and the duet from Gioconda which I have now nicknamed the "Domestic Violence Duet".  Then we each sang two arias of our own choosing.  But it's early days yet.  I haven't even contacted them about reserving the space.  I am planning to start the process next week.  It can be in late April (Easter 2015 is early) or early May.

I can hear how much better I sound just at choir practice.  Yesterday I sang the alto part (very low and very florid) in a Bach cantata.  The reasoning behind that is that the soprano part is a chorale that sounds on the recording as if it is being sung by boy sopranos.  Then I switched gears and sang the soprano part (including a limpid high G sharp) for the piece we're doing for All Saints Day.  Well, any mezzo worth her salt should have that kind of complete package. The choir is getting bigger, mostly with experienced choral singers who don't have solo voices, really, which is just fine, so I am enjoying myself more.

And I had another idea for a solo for Advent.  There are several versions of "O Magnum Mysterium" that are written as solos.  I will try to get the sheet music.  We have sung two different choral arrangements of this during Advent.

Thumbs up and Thumbs Down

I'm off to sing the second soprano part in a very complex piece by Randall Thompson, but - as I was starting to tank thinking about all the "thumbs down" items on this list, I thought it would be good to have a post-Carmen check-in, and include all the "thumbs up" items as well.

Thumbs Up

1. I have tentatively begun revisiting the Amneris/Radames duet with the two exposed high B flats.  Per teacher's instructions, I am not trying to sing it all the way through.  I am singing pieces of it.  Everything sounds really good (ideally suited to my voice) until I get to "Chi ti salva" and then just the pure pace of the thing keeps me from maintaining the right energy balance.  So I am isolating that section working backward, measure by measure.  I can sing the reprise (beginning with the second "dei miei pianti") just fine.  So the tension must creep in before that.  Certainly the note sounds much much better than several years ago.  And I tried a bit of "happy", which seems to give me the extra energy boost I desperately need.  My goal is, unless I have a definite date to sing something, to stick with perfecting this rep for a while and keep my voice in that "big" place.
2. Last Wednesday I had a ball at choir practice.  Why?  I was the only second soprano.  Sure, I love all my pals, but there's nothing I love like showing people that I can hold a part like that (which is in the best part of my voice) on my own.  So I need to do that again in a few hours, and sing the opening high G (all the sopranos are together) with a big, but not a loud sound.  I proved Wednesday I could do that too, for the most part, although after four counts I know the note starts to get screamy because it takes more support to keep it spinning than to holler it.
 3. I emailed the young violinist about singing "Erfreute Zeit" in August.

Thumbs Down

A propos of the concert my teacher (and my Don Jose) are singing in, I see that DJ posted an invite to it on his Facebook page.  Did he post an invite to our Carmen?  No.  You see, this is what I mean about people not taking me seriously.  At least he didn't nasty-nicely tell me not to post a picture from it on his wall, which is the sort of thing other people I know might have done.


Thumbs Up and Thumbs Down

From the above-referenced post, I see that the mezzo my teacher is using is someone very high level.  So, OK, I can't complain this time that he picked someone no better than I am.  She sang both Dalila and Kundry in Parsifal with him at one point.  But the issue still remains that he doesn't think it part of his job as a teacher to create concerts where I could sing even one or two things.  (Most of his other students are people he picks up from the pay to sing group he is involved with, so they already have a ready made place to sing.)  So, again, there's the issue of not being taken seriously.


Well, the best way I can show that I take myself seriously is to warm up to a high A, and be in tip top shape for Randall.

The Bitter, The Sweet, and the As-Yet Unknown

That's what life is basically; the bitter and the sweet.

Because I am trying so hard not to be a "downer", and because so many good things are happening, I want to start with

The Sweet:

1. All in all, yesterday's musicale event (where I sang the Act 2 duet from Carmen) went really well.  I lost my note after the tenor aria (waiting for applause, which never came, probably because people thought we were in the middle of a scene) and then had no clue which note to start on.  And I also got lost at the very end, but I caught up, and we ended with a kiss.  And I just love, love, love acting this role.

2. This tenor and I have quite a bit of chemistry on stage, which surprised me.  He's a hard person to read; I have no idea if he even likes me, but he is respectful and professional, and he has a great sense of humor.

3. The producer was very pleased.  Here is what she wrote on her Web site:

Thank you, [BabyD], for your lovely comments about our musicale! I'm happy I was able to help you realize your dream of singing Carmen!!!!, and look forward to your May 4 concert. You've made great strides with Carmen. I'm very proud of you! It's not easy music! Thank you, also, for bringing your guest, tenor _________, to sing the duet, yesterday.

4. I am so grateful to have found someone who is really interested in me, in more of a holistic way.  Sometimes her advice is questionable (about vowels; also about singing the higher notes in some portions of the duet) but her breadth of knowledge about various types of repertoire, style, languages, acting, and presentation is quite astounding, and since "the mentor" is not something I have had access to.

5. One of the women from the choir came and she was very supportive and complimentary.  I also introduced her to the producer.  I think they may really hit it off, as they both are interested in Spanish culture.


The Bitter:

The night before this concert, Little Miss Conservatory had her senior recital.  Don't get me wrong.  I think she is a major talent and is very sweet.  I just resent that there seems to be nothing that I can do that can really be noticed or appreciated with her in the spotlight (which she just is; I do not think she grabs it unfairly) 24/7.  There is just a subtle way, for example, that the choir director behaved about her recital that he has never behaved about anything I've been involved in, even if he attended it.  And there is buzz among the women in the choir, including a number who would never attend anything I sang in.  So once again, I feel my joy is tempered or tarnished by being outdone.


The As-Yet Unknown:

1. I still don't know if I am singing "O Rest in the Lord" on Maundy Thursday.  If not, I am going to make a big push to sing something with the violinist after Easter, if for no other reason, then to memorialize the violinist who died.  We were thinking of "Domine Deus".  I also want to send him the music for "Erfreute Zeit" maybe to do in the summer.

2. I have no idea if I (or the choir) will be asked to perform (or whatever the appropriate word is) at the violinist's funeral.  I had thought I might be asked because we had performed together.  I thought it would be tacky to volunteer (this is one of those situations in which I have no idea where the line is between being pushy and going after something I want), but I did ask the choir director if "we" (meaning the choir) would be singing.  He said "hmmm, that's a good idea; I will have to think about it", whatever that means.  I have not heard anything, but there was a posting on the church's Facebook page that "musicians were assembling to give the violinist a send off with the music he loved".  What musicians?  If it will only be instrumentalists I am OK with that, and if the other mezzo (the woman who is older than I am, with a beautiful trained voice, who has health issues and does not sing out) is asked to sing I will be happy too.  She was very close friends with the violinist and performed in his living room at salons from time to time, so she would have earned it.  On the other hand....if they ask someone else to sing...Well, I can't think about that.

ETA: I heard back from the choir director, and he said that the other church that shares our building will be doing the Maundy Thursday service, so I will be singing "O Rest in the Lord" on Palm Sunday at 9.  I suppose it is an all purpose piece that will suffice, although at 11 the choir will be singing something upbeat.  I have sung it recently, so it won't need much rehearsal and it will be part of the season's Mendelssohn theme.  I also used our email exchange as an opportunity to ask about the funeral.  I said I had read that "musicians were assembling" and that I would be honored to participate in some way as part of a group or singing a solo.  If they are only using instrumentalists that is fine.  My only strong feeling is that if there is going to be singing it should either be the choir (or a smaller group from the choir who will be there on that morning) or it should be a soloist who had some relationship with this violinist, which would be one of the older choir members who actually sang with him.

What Goes Up Must Come Down (Reprise)

I was so happy with my plans for my Carmen concert.  Why can't it last?

Yesterday I had a totally crappy morning.

The choir was singing a Spanish anthem with a little solo for two altos.  So I sang the top part and one of the other women sang the bottom part.  I thought it sounded nice.  It was a lovely anthem, mostly in four parts with an occasional middle women's part, so I sang alto and when there were three women's parts I switched to the middle part, which was on the soprano line. There was a high C at the end, so little miss Conservatory (and probably at least one other soprano) sang it.

So guess what?  When we were done rehearsing the choir director said "Thank you LMC for that high C"!!!! Is this mind boggling or what???? Not "thank you Babydramatic and alto for that lovely intro" or "thank you all for the anthem" but "Thank you LMC???"

In all the years I've sung there, this particular choir director has always made a point of stressing (by his behavior) that, as Lutherans assert, the communal voice is more important than the individual voice, and, up until recently, has never thanked anyone in front of the group, other than the usual "thank you tenors [or whomever] for that [whatever]". So as they say in the therapy biz, I  have no idea what this is "about".

But I can tell you it is getting under my skin.  Also, to make things worse, one of the women in the alto section (not my duet partner) made a vague critical comment about the little duet and then when I asked her what I should have done differently made a smarmy kind of "never mind" gesture and then said, looking embarrassed "well, what you need to do is sing it with confidence".  Well, you know what?  I am sure I did.  That little bar of music is in the best part of my range.

I wish these things didn't bother me so much but they do.  I keep thinking if I were a better person, or more "grown up", I wouldn't care.  But that's just not who I am.  Being a diva who loves the limelight is in my DNA and I should stop apologizing for it.  I only wish I could find something as ear-grabbing as a bloody high C.  No, and I don't have a B natural or a B flat either, really.  And no one seems to care if I can sing with a lovely line, or that I can hold a note in the middle of the staff almost indefinitely while everyone else is staggering breaths, or that I can sing pages and pages of heavily ornamented music in a middle register without choking to death.

Speaking of choking to death, I just think those extreme notes are not in my physiology.  They do not materialize no matter what I do.  When I try to sing a B flat off the cuff, for example, I don't squeak or squeal, which would be a start, I make a hideous yowl (probably if it translated to a note it would be an F at the top of the staff) that sounds like a cat being strangled.

I feel so much despair because I haven't a clue what to do about this problem (not the problem of my upper register, but the problem of how to find a wow! factor without it).  I finally said something to the choir director about the fact that we'd had "an awful lot of solos for high sopranos lately", which is when he offered me the top line of the duet in the Spanish anthem (and said he would try to find a spot for "O Rest in the Lord" on Maundy Thursday; if I don't hear from him I will write to him again).  But now it isn't even an issue of being more equitable with solos; it is an issue of being more equitable with praise.  Isn't this something leaders (like bosses) are supposed to be self-aware about?  Also, what's so mystifying is he never behaved that way before.  And no, I don't think he has a crush on this young woman.  He has a gorgeous wife, and this young woman is not all that much to look at.  Yes, she has a stunning voice, particularly in the context of what is, when all is said and done, a "convenience sample" choir, but other people have other vocal assets as well.  And just as a point of accuracy, she is not arrogant or full or herself at all.  She is very sweet.  So my upset is with him, not her.

I was so upset yesterday that even my partner encouraged me to "talk", something she never does.  I think she was worried that if I looked upset it might be about her.  I can't say, though, that she had any helpful suggestions.  Yes, I know I should be grateful to be singing in this choir in this church with a lot of wonderful people, but if I wanted to, I could stop singing there (that would be the acid test - would anyone miss me and say so?) and work in the food pantry on Saturdays and see my partner on Sundays.  And sing with the woman producing my Carmen concert.  She is a lot more sensitive to the fact that everyone wants their moment in the spotlight, whether they're singing a complex aria or a simple song.

One thing I have decided to do is every day, post one clip of a great mezzo singing an oratorio aria that does not go above an E or an F.  Maybe that will educate people that voices come in all ranges and that there are divas who don't sing high Cs.

A Busy 54 Days

So will they be good, or will they be disappointing?

A lot of that is in my hands.  I have my Carmen concert.  With or without a cast, even, Heaven help us, without a tenor (I am pretty sure now I will have a narrator and I have an accompanist) this show will go on!

I had a good runthrough of "Chanson Boheme" at the producer's apartment.  Finally I was able to air the subject of dark versus bright vowels and I explained about my teacher wanting me to sing dark vowels so that I can make a big space for the higher notes.  She said she understood that, but that I didn't need to do it in middle voice, which I suppose is true.  She is very invested in my pronouncing the French in a nasal way, like spoken French, which she says  makes Carmen seem more "witchy".  What I love so much about these sessions is that I get to delve into some of the nonmusical aspects of creating a performance and creating a character, which engages my imagination, which is something that happens all too rarely (if I tell you about the hundreds of posts I've seen over the past month about whether to use one or two spaces after a period, coming from people who work in the industry in which I earn my living, you will understand how arid and meaningless that world is and why I despair so much of the hours I spend in it).

I am also reading through the novella looking for sections that match the sung selections we will be presenting.  The producer thought it might be good if I read one of them in conjunction with singing "Chanson Boheme" at her musicale. So that will give me a chance to do something new, and to work on my speaking voice, which I have never used properly.

We also got the choir schedule going through Good Friday.  We will be singing "pieces by Mendelssohn".  So does that mean Elijah?  I remember when the choir sang an excerpt from Elijah last spring, I sang "O Rest in the Lord".  People (including the choir director) really seemed to like it, but afterwards he said something interesting.  We were talking about how wonderful the oratorio was and he said, "Well, maybe you can make that one of your next projects".  He didn't say "We are going to be doing something from Elijah on Good Friday and I hope you can sing something."  So what was that supposed to mean?  When I got the schedule this morning I wrote back to him saying that if we were doing something from Elijah I would very much like to sing something, either one of the two arias, or even just a recitative or maybe participate in a small ensemble.  I also said that I had been "disappointed" the last two years that there hadn't been anything for me. The Brahms Requiem does not have anything for a mezzo, but the year before we did the St. Matthew Passion which had a number of nice things for mezzos including a duet which was sung less than stunningly by two women from the church that shares our building. I think I was particularly upset because that year (the St. Matthew year) I had asked if there were any solo opportunities on Good Friday and he said no. I don't want to say that he "lied" to me, because it is hard to imagine someone as devout and truly good as this choir director "lying", but something was not on the up and up.  Anyhow, my friend "Abby" (not her real name) who comes from what she has called "hillbilly" stock has an expression she uses "don't borrow trouble". so I need to just chill out and see what is what.

I find it so hard to tread that line between being "pushy" and going after what I want.  I was thinking that I shouldn't "bother" the choir director tonight after rehearsal (he may not have gotten my email or may have decided to ignore it) but on the other hand if I don't say something the opportunity may be lost.  And I don't have a plan B.  I really have nothing else to do with myself during that period other than, perhaps, find excuses to go to rehearsals for Carmen instead of choir rehearsals if I'm only a chorus member.  Then I can just pretend I'm one of these "ringers" who shows up without rehearsing much and at least have a choral part under my belt for future use.

On the other hand I may be pleasantly surprised.

Tonight we are doing the piece by Britten (which I intend to do more work on later) and the other hymn with the solo that isn't.  How ironic that the text to it is "Ask and it shall be given you."  If only.

ETA: So tonight I asked the choir director about singing "O Rest in the Lord" or something else from Elijah on Good Friday (he had not gotten my email yet).  He said he would have to see if it fit in with the Passion story (if not, there is another short aria "Woe Unto Them").  He said he didn't know if there would be an appropriate spot for either of these but that maybe I could sing "O Rest in the Lord" on Maundy Thursday.  I also think we had a fruitful brief discussion about the fact that if there are going to be solos they should be more evenly divided up among voice parts.  So now I just have to turn things over, learn my music, and work on Carmen.

The Internal Call and the External Call

I have not been feeling great lately, mostly because of the weather.  Being A. more housebound than usual and B. noticeably more frightened by the idea of walking on snow and ice than younger people are (or than I was 20 years ago - yes, the last rapid succession of snowstorms was in 1993) has not been good for my mental health.

So this afternoon I took a break from work to listen to a tv interview with the (drop dead gorgeous) pastor at the church where I sing.

A lot of the thrust of the discussion had to do with the role of women in the church, the lack of female role models at the time she was ordained, how she dealt with her "call" in the absence of these, and what that call consisted of.  I am not going to post a link to the interview here, mostly because it is almost a half hour long, but one thing she mentioned about her "call" was that in the Lutheran tradition it is considered important for there to be both an internal and an external "call".  That means that not only was it important that she felt called to the ministry, but that other people should perceive her as being suitable for it.

So therein lies the heart of some of my deep sadness about missed opportunities as a singer.  The lack of an external call.  Oh, there were external calls, mostly when I was much younger, but they were few and far between and never loud enough to compete with my generation's exhortation to "turn on, tune in, and drop out", to smoke to stay thin, and to "be" an intellectual, engaged with the issues of the day, not with something as self-absorbed as the pursuit of excellence in classical music.  (Don't get me wrong.  As I've said many times, my mother and her circle adored classical music, but it was meant as something to listen to after a day's work in a classroom or at the typewriter, not as a personal pursuit.)

And the external call mostly petered out by the time I turned 21.  Even though I began studying singing seriously the first time at 26, that was too late for me to matter.  And my whole heart wasn't in it. True, I was no longer smoking, but I was still starving myself to fit into a size 30 jeans and spending long evenings at Lesbian discos.

I am now coming up on the tenth anniversary of my "discovery" by the Mentor.  I think why that was such a cataclysmal event in my life was that it was the first external call to singing that I'd had in a very, very, long time and it was neither elicited nor sought.  I had begun going to that Unitarian church to go to church, not to sing.  If we want to be picky, it is now beyond the date of my "discovery", which probably happened in the summer of 2003, but it was the sumptuous "Mon Coeur" that changed everything.  Which may explain why I am so (inexplicably) sympathetic to Miss Kansas. Maybe singing "Nessun Dorma" badly lit a fire under her that singing "Caro Mio Ben" in a studio with a vocal pedagogue never would. Maybe she will start again and do that now that the fire has been lit.  Would I have continued to be obsessed with singing for a decade if I had been asked to sing "Amazing Grace" instead of being coaxed and seduced with an image of my own lusciousness in a seethrough lace top singing one of the sexiest arias ever written?  Possibly not.

It is the external call that I still crave.  That is why I am happy with the woman who is helping me produce Carmen and sing Spanish songs.  More than half the people who show up at her meetups have never even had a formal voice lesson, so in that milieu I feel special.

I am also facing a choir dilemma.  Last Sunday we sang a piece in 8 parts and, for the first time ever, there were four other second sopranos, including one "ringer" (not a trained singer, but an instrumentalist who can sing pleasantly in tune and can sightread).  Why on earth was she needed in my section.  When I told her I was surprised she wasn't singing alto (where more people are needed) I am not sure she understood but she mentioned two women by name in the first soprano section, saying that their voices are "so strong".  Hello??? I can sing loud enough to drown both of them out any day of the week.  Now I will say with all humility that my voice is in no way as lovely certainly as the 21 year old conservatory student's.  But strong???  I know this sounds idiotic, but I was really hurt.

I just am not all that excited about singing there any more.  If I am not noticed, even as someone with a big, obviously trained, voice who can hold a part with confidence, why am I even doing this?  On the other hand, I don't want to skip rehearsal because of the weather.  That just makes me look old and dilettantish.  I will be there whatever the weather, unless I get a "call" from somewhere else to do something else, which I hope is more often than used to be.  I think the woman who produced the last Sunday concert will be producing another - in March.  I hope I can sing there with my Don Jose.

And now I need to get onto finding a reader.