Postpartum Depression

I don't really know what else to call it.

The Good Friday service went well.  It wasn't as exciting as I had expected (nor as well attended as usual) and when I got home I felt sandbagged by something I can only call "depression".

Is it because I am grieving over Abbie?  I have not really felt like crying over her loss.  Abbie was not a poignant, sympathetic, tragic figure, similarly to how my mother was not those things.  Abbie really was all the things my mother was, only nicer: cerebral, direct, not suffering fools gladly, hating sentimentality.  She was also someone who would always turn up and "do" if you needed her.  My mother was all those things but she didn't know how to "make nice", which Abbie did.  (My mother would have contemptuously dismissed that as "Southern").

In any event, the loss of Abbie is a loss and somewhat of a shock, but I don't feel sad.  Since she had moved to the Left Coast about four years ago we had not seen her.  And one blessing I now have is, after telling a church friend about my feeling of loss, particularly that I have now lost someone whom I always assumed would be there to be helpful when my partner died, this friend said that if she was "alive and mobile" (she is about 6 years older than I am) she would go to Maine with me to scatter my partner's ashes.

But I am feeling other losses as well. Yes, the Good Friday service went well, but once again it made me realize all the talent I am drowning in.  Although there was one thing of note, a situation in which I surprised myself.  The "boy soprano" woman I mentioned (she is not young; probably close to my age) sang really well, probably the best I'd ever heard her, and I was genuinely happy for her.  I told her it was the best I had ever heard her sing, which is true.  And she had the perfect voice for the plaintive "Agnus Dei".  I think the issue is that however bitter and envious I often am, I am happy when someone my age, who is still working on her art, does well.  Everyone kvells over the young talent.  They breathe up all the air in the room whether they want to or not.  So us older folks, who are by no means done and by no means a "finished product" want our moment too.  Of course the new dramatic soprano was the star of the evening.  Just because of her talent (she is certainly the opposite of a prima donna).  The tenor with whom I have had a relationship that runs hot and cold (I was stunned last year when he complimented me on singing Maundy Thursday) made a fuss over her, talking with his wife on the street afterwards.  On the other hand, her path forward may not be easy.  She has a much bigger and more impressive voice than Little Miss, but she is less versatile and less surrounded by a clacque although she does have a supportive voice teacher.  She is going to be singing a secondary role in a Wagner production somewhere.  I just so yearn to be special, which I will never be.

Easter will be a vocal anti-climax.  I opted to sing the alto part in "Worthy is the Lamb" from the Messiah.  It is a bleeping octave below the soprano part.   I think my teacher was right that the part was written for countertenors, not women.  I probably could sing the soprano part (particularly since we are not doing the "Amen" at the end which has a phrase that starts on a high A) but I didn't have time to sing it into my voice and the dramatic soprano will be there singing it, so to coin a metaphor, it is stupid to put the two heaviest people on the same side of the boat.  So, ironically, Easter, which is supposed to be a high point, will be a low point for me both vocally and otherwise, but then it will be over and I can go back to working on the "Drinking Song", which has a high A in it.  And when I show up for warm up on Sunday I will make sure I have warmed up at home to an A just because I can.

In a more intellectual mode, I was interested to read a quote from Nadia Bolz-Weber in which she said that the message of the Resurrection is that it is an opportunity for people to be resurrected from the graves they dig for themselves.  For me (someone who is totally skeptical about the "Risen Christ") this really resonates.  Maybe I can rise from the grave I'm always digging for myself? I can never turn the clock back and be a teen or a 20something with a clean, glorious voice undamaged by cigarettes and alcohol, making my way undistracted. So I need to "get over it".

Sad News, and Life Goes On

A few days after I wrote my last post, my friend Abbie died.  I didn't hear about it until the following Friday, from her older daughter.  It is all a shock.  I decided to wait to tell my partner until Sunday (Palm Sunday) when I would be at her house.  She took it pretty well.  And she will forget.  There are days when she doesn't remember that my mother is dead, or that her sister is dead.  It turns out that the cancer Abbie had was in the liver and pancreas, which rapidly becomes fatal.  When she wrote to me she used the word "abdominal" which I took to mean "stomach cancer", which is why I was surprised, because that is a type of cancer that many people survive.

Less important, but to me shocking, is that no one has done anything about submitting an obituary to any news outlet.  I have Googled her every day and there is nothing.  Abbie had written three memoirs, a novel, numerous magazine articles, and had a Wikipedia page (I don't know who managed that).  I also am surprised that she hadn't written her own obituary.  My mother (who was not a "personage" like Abbie but thought she was) had one at the ready at least a decade before she died, so that I could send it to the TIMES.  All I can think of was that Abbie was modest and perhaps her daughters (one lives on the Left Coast, the other deep in Trump Country) aren't interested in their mother's legacy.

The day after I heard that Abbie had died, I sang the Schubert "Ave Maria" at the funeral I mentioned.  It went well.  The Good Friday music is going well.  As an aside, it seems that after three months of struggling with asthma and experimenting with how to treat it, it is gone.  Perhaps it is seasonal.  I was at the point where I was using the inhaler every day. I would say that I had some kind of upper airway distress almost every day between December 27 and April 10.  Fingers crossed.  In any event, that underscores why it is a good idea for me not to plan concerts during that period.  And other than florid pieces like "Rejoice Greatly" I think it would be a good idea for me to stay away from singing anything with exposed high notes in public during that period. 

I have the alto line in two solo quartets from the Missa Solemnis.  I was disappointed not to be given the third (and in some ways the loveliest) solo part, which was given to a woman in the alto section with a pretty, small voice (sort of like a boy soprano).  I suppose the choir director wanted that kind of sound at the very end (she is singing "Agnus Dei" which is the last thing we sing).  I do love my solo quartets, particularly "Christe Eleison".  And of course the new dramatic soprano is singing all the soprano solos.  She sounds fabulous.  Having her there doesn't get under my skin the way having "Little Miss" there did.  Dramatic Sop is enough older (she is 30 or 31 and conducts herself like someone older) that I can sort of look at her as a mentor (if I feel like) not an irksome wunderkind.  On the other hand, of course I am green with envy.  There is nothing that assuages the heartache of wishing I could go back and do it over.  1964 would be a good place to start.  Don't smoke, don't try to be "hip", ignore your mother pushing you to be "with it", and honor your talent.

In other (good) news, I finally heard back from the two places I had contacted about putting on a concert.  One is someplace I have sung before.  So I need to get back in my high dramatic mezzo groove.  My teacher will be singing with me and we will probably sing the Anna Bolena duet.  First up is the little mini concert in May where I will be singing the "Drinking Song" from Lucretia Borgia. 

And on a totally unrelated topic, I may be a media spokesperson for events to do with the 50th anniversary of Stonewall. 

A Sad Shock, and Life Goes On

I just got a terrible, sad shock this past week.  A friend (actually my partner's college roommate, who has known her since practically the year I was born - 1950) just found out that she has stomach cancer with only a few months to live.  Everyone was just blindsided by this.  I have had friends die of cancer (and I have friends who have survived cancer) but usually even the ones who eventually died had at least a year or more between diagnosis and death.  This was especially shocking because this friend was very healthy for her age (84) and had only been in the hospital once in her life (other than to have children): to have a hip replacement a few years ago.  And I am sure she went to doctors regularly.  I am sad for everyone.  For her, because she was such a vibrant, busy, productive person, and for her adult daughters, who are only forty-six and forty-nine, respectively, and for her three grandchildren, who are 13, 8, and 5.  I was thinking that they are the "grandparentless" generation because they are the first generation I know whose mothers and grandmothers did not give birth until their late 30s or early 40s.  My mother was 35 when I was born but her mother was only about 20 or 21 when she was born so I had grandparents until I was 28 or 31 (my grandmother died when I was 28 and my grandfather died when I was 31).

I have no idea if my friend wants social contact or not.  I am assuming that she does not want phone calls.  I find phone calls to be a nuisance generally because the person calling has no idea if it is a convenient time or not.  She sent me an email with the news, I wrote back, trying to be as supportive as I could, and she wrote me a thank you.  She hadn't wanted me to tell my partner (who has dementia) but I felt that I had to otherwise she would wonder why this friend hadn't called.  I also called another friend and told her.  I think I will write again to Abbie (my friend with cancer - not her real name) next week and just say I am thinking of her and that my partner sends her love.  If she responds fine, if not not.  I also thought I might send her an Easter card.  My partner is well enough to sign it (she doesn't sign any official documents any more; I sign all those) and we always used to visit Abbie on Easter Sunday in the early 90s when she lived on Long Island.  We would paint Easter eggs and she would make a big lunch.  I think her younger daughter was still living at home.

I am also sad for selfish reasons.  I had always assumed that Abbie would outlive my partner and that she could be helpful (even though about 5 years ago she moved across the continent) and supportive in some way.  Abbie was the last person about whom I felt that in a dire emergency, I could call on at any hour of the day or night.  There is no one left now.  Possibly my friend in Massachusetts although she has not been well (she is younger than I am).

As far as singing news is concerned (it hardly seems to matter now) I was asked to sing the Schubert "Ave Maria" at the funeral of the mother of one of the men from the church.  I was very flattered that he asked me.  Being asked to sing is such an "up" for me. Singing because I've asked and been given is not as sweet as having been asked.

On Good Friday I am singing the alto solo line in the quartet in two selections from the Beethoven Missa Solemnis. I still don't know if I'm singing on Maundy Thursday, but I have something ready so it can wait until the last minute.  If not I will probably sing on Trinity Sunday and in the summer.  And I have a little mini concert with my teacher in mid-May.  I am still working at following up with the two major venues that I hope to be able to sing in in the Fall.

Lastly, because I mentioned it in my last post, I got the biopsy results back about my partner's face, and what is there is not a squamous cell carcinoma.  They called it an actinic keratosis and she is going to get it frozen off on the 30th.

A Dream Achieved (2018)

This past Good Friday I sang a two page solo "Recordare" in the middle of the "Rex Tremendae" section of Schumann's Requiem.  It was perfect for my voice and the choir director was happy with it.  All I have ever sung on Good Friday in the past (Good Friday is the church's most high profile service, with an orchestra) is the alto line in a solo quartet.  And (totally by accident) this was the only solo of the evening.

The night before I had sung "Qui Sedes al Dexteram Patris" from Vivaldi's Gloria 588.

I got compliments on both from people who would rarely even give me the time of day before.

I need to keep up that momentum and build on that, such as it is.

Next challenge: Rossini's "Tanti Affetti".  If it is in decent shape by next week I will include it in my May recital program, otherwise not.

An Honor That I Pray to be Worthy Of

On Wednesday I went to see Farinelli and the King (I have very little discretionary income, and what I have goes to voice lessons and pet care so I rarely go to the theater) which was wonderful (the countertenor sings 6 Handel mezzo arias during the play).  At the intermission I checked my email and I was stunned to hear from the choir director that he wants me to sing the only (soprano) solo in the Good Friday service.  It is a "Recordare" from one of the Schumann Requiems.  It is actually in a perfect range for me, mostly in the middle, with one G in it.  The whole piece is two pages.  To date, I have only sung the alto line in a few solo quartets in the various Good Friday services.  (I am still singing with the chorus altos this time.) 

I consider this a huge honor particularly as there is a real dramatic soprano singing with the choir.  When went to rehearse the solo, the choir director told me that he thought it would suit me because he wanted a big expressive dramatic sound!

The only real challenge I will have (the piece is not difficult) is singing it after singing the very low alto part in the "Agnus Dei".  I will ask my teacher what to do.

And of course I now have another challenge.  Yesterday (the day of the rehearsal) I woke up with a whopping sinus "thing" that causes mucus to sit on my vocal cords and makes me cough.  When I woke up yesterday I couldn't  phonate at all.  Fortunately, I remember that my teacher has always told me that if you don't have laryngitis, and whatever is affecting your cords is caused by mucus, if you drink hot beverages, use an expectorant, and do a little light singing, your voice will come back.  In fact he said singing often clear the mucus off.  So that is what happened yesterday.  Same thing this morning although I don't plan to sing at all today.  I will see if I can sing a little tomorrow night (I spend Friday night and Saturday taking care of my partner at her house).  The choir is singing something simple Sunday morning at 9.  Worst case scenario I will stay home.  The good news is that these things usually clear out after a week so I should be fine for our next rehearsal on Thursday night. 

I absolutely don't think I have anything serious because I don't feel sick.  It's very localized.  It may be contagious, though, because it seems to be a bit more heavy duty than my regular sinus problems.  So Neti pot, Vicks, and liquid Mucinex.  And not too much talking.

I have worked over ten years for something like this (I will be singing this with an orchestra) so I will pray to be worthy.

Singin' in the Cold

(To the tune of "Singin' in the Rain").

This should have been the last post of 2017, not the first one of 2018, but I wasn't at my laptop for much of yesterday.

Yesterday at 11 I sang "Rejoice Greatly" for the second year in a row on the Sunday between Christmas and Epiphany (last year it was on New Year's Day).  I am not sure if I sang it as well this year.  The church was ice cold and I had trouble getting my breath support to work (you know the way you "scrunch" yourself into a tight ball to try to stay warm? well, that does not do much for the expansion you need to sing).  I almost ran out of breath on the first long run.  After that, however, it was pretty smooth sailing.  The only problem is I was so physically out of sorts that I wasn't able to polish my "presentation".  Last year I sang well but did awkward things with my arms (raise them when I needed more breath, then put them down abruptly) and I had determined this year to look more composed.  But this year it was all I could do to get through it.

I don't ever remember it being that cold in the church and I have been there on Sundays when there was several feet of snow and I had to take a cab, or, coming back, have someone "cross me" through the mountains of snow and ice so I could catch a bus.  But indoors I always felt fine.  Were they being stingy with the heat?

So now I need to put something on my calendar; otherwise I won't have another solo singing spot until Holy Week or Easter.

Here's what I've done.

1. Called the nursing home (where my partner was in 2016) at least four times, with no result.  I left three voice mail messages and one message with the recreation director's secretary.  I also got another number for resident services, called it, and it went into the director's voicemail.
2. I got a friend who sometimes works there to speak to the recreation director.  He said he would call me.  He never did.
3. I called the LGBT senior services center where I performed several times and got the name and phone number of the new events planner.  I left her a voicemail message.  I found her email address and sent her an email.  No response. I know a volunteer there; I think I will send her an email this week.
4. I found the name of another nursing home/residence and actually spoke in person to the recreation director (I called at 9:02 am - good strategy!) She asked me to send a video and some more information so I sent her a few videos and a program from my last recital. That was several weeks ago.  I will call her again.
5. Next week I will google "Living Room Concerts" and see what I get.

I was thinking of making New Year's resolutions, but I don't even know of what kind.  Do I need to work harder? Who will know other than my teacher?  Do I need more chutzpah? How would that express itself? Do I need to do a better job of networking? If so, with whom? 

Plus ça Change, Plus C'est la Même Chose

This week I had another disappointment.  My voice teacher bailed from our joint concert.  It's not the end of the world: I can do a solo recital.  Unfortunately it won't be all that different from my birthday concert, but I will be removing four numbers and replacing them with others that I like better.  I am going to drop the Jake Heggie/Sister Helen songs because they don't sound good with just a pianist and a singer (there is a major part written for a flute) and are not "enjoyable" to listen to.  I am also dropping the Barbra Streisand song "Evergreen" because I sang it as a nod to "LC" the hateful woman who dumped me cruelly as a friend.  And I am dropping "Et Exsultavit".  I love singing it, but it's better as a church piece.  Instead, I will be singing the "Drinking Song" from Lucrezia Borgia, and will (as of now) be adding "Cruda Sorte" from L'Italiana in Algeri and an aria from Orlando Furioso about love and courage, which I have heard Marilyn Horne sing.  It is a bravura aria with a lot of ornamentation and I have fallen in love with it.  And I will add the song "Ice Cream" from She Loves Me to the section for my partner (although she can't be there), because at this end stage of her life, what she loves most is eating ice cream.  And I will ask the accompanist to play solos in between the sets so I can have a break.  The sets will be pretty much the same as they were last time: Joy, Love, for [my partner's name], and Home.

The disappointment isn't about having to sing a solo recital, it's about what I see as my teacher's priorities.  He said he doesn't want to sing this concert because 1. he has to go out of the country to see family (I am not totally clear about this because by the time he got to talking about this I had stopped listening but I think the reason there is a date conflict  is because his wife's new job won't allow her to take a vacation sooner than that), 2. he is stressed out because his wife is not happy at her job and 3. he is stressed out because of problems in his building.  What made me mad (to revisit old wounds) is that every year he sings at least one, if not two, concerts with his wife and various other singers.  He has never invited me to sing with them and this now has been 8 years during which I have made enormous technical progress, particularly in the past three or so.  Yes, most of the singers sound better than I do, but there is one mezzo who doesn't and last time when they sang as a quartet this was obvious.  She has a pretty voice and has sung a lot of bel canto roles with the pay to sing outfit that my teacher sometimes sings with (he never pays them anything because they always need men) but her voice is very small and certainly I sound as good as she does singing in the sort of range that we would be singing in in this type of recital.  So the excuses are a moving target.  I don't sound good enough, these people all know each other, this particular mezzo is a close friend of his wife's, the decisions are not totally up to him, blah, blah, blah.  Anyhow at my last lesson when he told me he was bailing from the concert, I really just lost it and yelled at him, which I have never done before.  I don't think it did any permanent damage.  The point is that I think it's a teacher's responsibility to try to provide opportunities for his or her students. A number of teachers have studio recitals.  He has never been that sort of teacher.  He's not what they call these days "a pedagogue".  He's a singer who has a gift for explaining vocal technique to people who need to improve theirs.  Most of his students are already singing somewhere (in the past they mostly came from that pay to sing or someplace similar). So I don't plan to go looking for another teacher.  I suppose what I need to do is simply drop the subject unless he starts flogging one of these concerts and trying to invite me.  I have been to a few of them but have never made getting there a priority.  I think I will just pass on them from now on, similarly to how I don't go to any of these small opera company performances either.  I will just mind my own business.  If he starts flogging one of these concerts (I don't think there's one on the  horizon) I will curtly say "Let's talk about something else" or find another "conversation stopper".

I think I'm also feeling cranky because I haven't had a chance to dig into the two new arias or do any of the administrative work I need to do because I have been busy with caregiving tasks, most notably trying to get my partner a hospital bed.  It is supposed to arrive tomorrow and the delivery people won't move her other bed out, so I have to get the super to do it.  I am hoping to get back to my regular practice schedule next week.

I also have to pick a summer solo.  I gave the music director my preferred dates.  He has two books of church solos in his mail box, so I had the admin photocopy the tables of contents.  So when I get a chance I will listen to the pieces on Youtube and try to match them up with the readings for those Sundays.  I am not that theologically literate, but I will give it my best shot.  Otherwise I can let the music director pick something, which he offered to do.

Miles to Go Still: But Maybe Some Music in the Future

My partner now has Medicaid (it's what's called "Community Medicaid") however no nurse assessment has been forthcoming.

I used up almost all her discretionary income paying the private aide and then raised $2000 on GoFundMe which paid for the last 8 days (she is currently in a nursing home in Queens).  I was tearfully astounded at how many people contributed to the campaign.  This touches on my seemingly contradictory statements that I have no close friends but do have a social life (someone accused me of "arguing" when I said both those things at different times and I was quite surprised that she did not understand that "close friends" and "a social life" are not synonymous).

So many people (I know) do care about me and are able to provide sympathy, advice (if I want it), a hug, even money, but no one has time.  I am not a priority with anyone.  I have no "in case of emergency please notify".  Everyone is busy with their jobs, family, family-related travel, or travel for pleasure.  A point of comparison is that over 20 people gave money to the campaign, but only two people provided helping hands, and this over a period of now five months.

How things got to where they are now, is that my partner began acting oddly (the aide said she had Alzheimers) and was very listless, so we had a doctor come to the house and he said she needed to go to the ER.  She was discharged after 48 hours and not formally admitted, so she could not go back to the nursing home on the Upper West Side where she had been.  They wanted to send her home, despite her lack of money for home care, but I screamed and sobbed, so finally they found a spot for her in a nursing home in Queens.  Yesterday I heard from the home care agency.  I hope they come evaluate her and she can come home with help.  She can't stay in the nursing home in Queens (it takes me two hours to get there and two hours to get back, and there's noplace to buy anything decent for lunch) and anyhow, she can't transition onto "nursing home Medicaid" yet (I don't want to say too much about that in a public blog).  My long-term plan is for her to go home, and then if she has another medical crisis, for me to find a way to get her back into the nursing home on the Upper West Side.  I think she realizes that she won't be able to be home forever.

As for singing, well, I had to miss choir rehearsal last Thursday because that was when she was being transferred to Queens.  But I do practice every day, even if it's just for a half hour.  My upper register that I've fought so hard for is still there.  I am probably singing the soprano part in "Glory of the Lord" from the Messiah, which we are doing in two weeks.

I have one or two tentative solos for Lent/Holy Week.  One thing I like about this new Minister of Music is that he contacts all the soloists ahead of each season with available dates and asks us each to pick one or two choices.  That feels better than having the onus always on me.  I said my first choice was singing "Qui Sedes al Dextram Patris" on Maundy Thursday, otherwise I said I would sing on April 2 at 11 when there doesn't seem to be anything scheduled.  Based on the reading for that service, I thought I could sing "Patiently I Have Waited for the Lord" from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio.  It's not Christmassy at all.  And speaking of Saint Saens, one little known opera that I have always loved is Henry VIII.  The role of Anne Boleyn is for a heavy lyric or a dramatic mezzo and she has a gorgeous aria.  It has a sustained high B flat, but I think I could sing that now.  And I was able to download the score for free!  I still have not felt like making concert plans; I want to have something settled about my partner's care, but I will do that eventually.

Unforgettable?

Overall, things have been going very well.

I nailed the big note at the end of the anthem, with no negative feedback that it was unsuitably loud.

And I now have a "fan".  A woman who is a seminarian studying to be a minister as a second career, who is also an artist and a poet, has come up to me and raved not just about three solos that she heard me sing, but also about hearing my voice cut across the top of the choir singing the "Hallelujah Chorus" and this past Sunday's anthem.

And last night I sang through the entire Carmen program, setting the timer for the breaks I will get when the narrator is reading, and everything went well (even the B in the "Sequidilla"!) and I did not get tired. I need to work on the "Card Aria" and some of the recitative, but otherwise that's it.

In less happy news, I have still not received the video of "Redeemer".  When I asked the Communications Director for it last Sunday (it had been a week) I prefaced my request with "I know how busy you are" and he said, "Oh, it's not that, I just forgot".

Now "forgetting"  is not something that sits well with me on any level.  Being too busy, yes, I understand that.  It was like Rich Lady apparently having "forgotten" my birthday.  I WILL NOT BE "FORGETTABLE".  I will not have that.

When I wrote to a friend and asked her what she thought I should do next, she told me to ask him, when I see him this coming Sunday, just to email me the video then and there.  It is probably something he can do with his phone.  He had also, when he first made it, said that if I wanted, he could cut it down so that I could use a section of it for posting.  Then my friend said "Don't take it personally, it's not about you."  But that's the whole point. I'm upset because "it wasn't about me".  I want things to be "about me".  At least sometimes.  At least as much as Little Miss has things that are "about her". She doesn't have to beg people for videos and plead with them to post them on Facebook and kvell.  People just do it.  And all I was asking for was a video.  I was willing to do my own kvelling, such as could be done without being "unseemly".

People: is this lady really so forgettable?

Holy Week 2016

This year Holy Week was a bit of an anticlimax after last year's triumph. We sang the Faure Requiem, which is a gorgeous piece of music, but is rather light, not to mention that there were no solos other than the "Pie Jesu" which we didn't do.  There also were a lot of sopranos in the choir - trained singers who are members of the congregation but don't want the weekly commitment of singing with the choir.

I sang "Fac ut Portem" from the Rossini Stabat Mater in the 3 pm Spanish Service on Good Friday.  I got a lot of compliments.  I felt that I sang well because I sang full voice instead of trying to sound like a light soprano, which is what I have always tried to do when singing anything with the choir director, even solos, because that is the kind of sound he likes.

In the evening I sang the Requiem with the choir.  I got there late because I had gone home in between.  I was only 5 minutes late, but was the next to the last person to arrive, so he had already lined up the light sopranos in the front row.  He asked me to stand in the back (next to a woman who has had trouble learning the music) which was no big deal really.

Despite all this, the work is beautiful, and we did a good job with it, and the church was packed.

When I got there Easter Sunday I was dreading having to sing the soprano part in the Hallelujah Chorus (one of the least vocally friendly things I have had to sing - ever).  One of the light sopranos from Friday night was there and she said she was hoarse, and went up to the choir director and apologized that she might not be able to sing (the anthem we were singing was also rather high) so I told him I had warmed up to a high B (in preparation for the A in the Hallelujah Chorus) and his response was very strange; he told me maybe I would rather sing the alto part in a few measures of the anthem that had a high G in it.  Probably it was just as well, in that having to sing two high pieces was not the greatest thing for me as a mezzo, but it upset me because it made me feel that he mostly just sees me as having this big oafish ugly voice that is a "nuisance" and that I really "can't" sing certain notes which is simply not true certainly now with all the work I've done extending my voice up to a high C sharp.  So this feeds into my low self-esteem and self-doubt and really is not helpful.

This had a funny result, though, in that I was so angry I wailed out the soprano part in "Hallelujah" complete with the high A and singing full voice on the F and G in "King of Kings" (which is manageable if I sing full voice).

After the service the Director of Music (who had been playing the organ) came up and gave me a hug and thanked me for everything I had done that week, so that made me feel better.  All I really want is to be appreciated for the assets I have, rather than being snubbed because of what I am not (a light soprano with a "pretty" voice).

Anyhow, now it's a new day, so I will go back to working on Carmen and also on "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth" which I will be singing this coming Sunday.

Ending the Year on a High Note

Well, a powerhouse high G at any event.  (Or maybe this could mean the C sharp that I have been singing consistently for the first time in my life.)

My Sunday solo "O Magnum Mysterium" went really well.  It was the first time in years that I have sung a "big" piece in church.  This new Director of Music has much more eclectic tastes in singing and in fact when we rehearsed the piece I made a joke to the effect that the choir director (who is still the choir director but who no longer schedules solos) would have shot me through the head if he had heard me blast the windows out with the climactic top G, and the new Director said that no, he considered that sort of sound appropriate for a solo if it was marked forte.  (He also said once that even in choral singing, if the note is above the staff, sopranos have a "free pass" to sing as loud as we need to to make the note sound good.)

Best of all was that when I sang that piece yesterday I got a lot of compliments including someone telling me it was "awesome".

Maybe I will try "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth" again near Easter?  I hadn't planned to sing at all in April because that's when I will be rehearsing Carmen, but I might be able to squeeze it in right after Easter if that is not a choir Sunday.  Or I may get to sing another solo bit on Good Friday.  And if not I can sing at the noon service the way I did last year.  With all the freedom I've been given maybe I can try "Liber Scriptus".

So now it's back to the "Seguidilla".  My upper register didn't sound all that great in today's practice, on the other hand I did a lot of singing Christmas Eve (just choral singing and caroling), and then this solo yesterday.

Wednesday I have a lesson.

This year I have not made New Year's resolutions.  It seems that usually at some point in the year (usually between July - my birthday month - and September, which feels like the New Year to me) something big happens that leads me to reevaluate where I'm going and what I need to do differently.  This year it was the upset over my birthday.  Two years ago it was upset over all the snark in the blogosphere over my singing the "Habanera" in the bookstore.

Overall this has been a good year for me.  I have been singing better and better, achieving a level of technical proficiency that has surprised me.  I have discovered I like helping children with their homework.  I was mentioned in an article in Classical Singer.  Actually in two articles if you include the anonymous mention of my singing in the bookstore, which wasn't a putdown, really. And hey!  It was enough of a "thing" to keep being mentioned over and over.  So chutzpah pays.  Howevermuch talent, ability, or credentials you do or don't have.

I Will Be Recording!

At long last, I have a date to record the Bach aria "Hochster mache deine Gute" for my friend's short film.  It will be December 4.

It's been almost two years since we began discussing this, and it has worked out for the best, because now I am much more technically secure singing something in that kind of high tessitura, so I will sound good and won't strain.

Once it's recorded, I will be really excited about tracking the progress of the film, and who knows?  I may get to go somewhere!  The filmmaker lives part time in Nova Scotia and part time in Paris.

I had a bit of egg on my face last night at rehearsal when the choir director handed out a four-part Mendelssohn piece with a high-ish soprano part (meaning a lot of Gs) and because I don't really sightread, and had not only never practiced this, but had never even heard it, I was fumbling for notes, which is not conducive to good singing technique, which is all about having a physiologically based plan for what to do with each phrase.

Well, so now I have my work cut out for me.  Both the Bach solo and the choral piece would use the same type of high light approach (not the same thing as singing "off the voice" to whiten the sound), so my technique will stay consistent and I won't be switching back and forth.  It will represent a nice break from Carmen.  Venus will have to wait, now, although I have been listening to that scene and getting it into my ear.

I also spoke with the Director of Music Ministries about a Christmas solo.  It will either be December 27 or January 3.  I suggested the Lauridsen "O Magnum Mysterium", "Rejoice Greatly", and "Et Exsultavit".  He is supposed to get back to me in the middle of next month.

Hard Work Pays Off

Last night was, for me, a small triumph.  The choir picked up the Handel for the first time, and as there were three women's parts, the choir director started out assigning the top alto part (which has a range of about five notes - it's not low, but it doesn't go anywhere) to second sopranos, but then noticed that there would only be one woman left to sing the top part.  She is a trained singer (mostly musical theater) and sings with a nice line, as well as having a solid high B flat.  So I offered to sing it (does this mean last night?  does this mean for real?) because I had learned it at home.  It is not high.  It has a lot of melismatic singing going back and forth to a G which is in solid operatic mezzo territory.  The phrases require top-notch breath control, but there are plenty of instrumental interludes to recoup.

Because it was a new piece of music, it was not riddled with bad habits (like the soprano line in the "Halleluia Chorus").  This type of singing is something I do well.  In the past I would have been terrified that I was going to sound too loud, so I would have sung with a raised larynx in a "spread" position, which would have sound strident, not to mention  left me terrified that I was not going to make it.  This time I just sang with my real voice: dark vowels, larynx down, palate up, mouth not too wide open, to "mute" some of the volume.  I did not get tired.  I can easily sing this on a Sunday morning after a few runthroughs (just on "oo" if necessary) and not get tired.

I mean if some "real" sopranos show up, this may have been a flash in the pan.  There is a pair of twins with trained light lyric soprano voices (one used to sing professionally) who show up sometimes on Sundays to sing music that they know, so if they can "help out" I may be bumped downstairs, but the point is I proved (to myself mostly) that I could sing this without being nervous or getting tired.

It's too bad that even the middle women's part is so boring, though.  I have sung Bach alto parts, even ones that are really too low to showcase my voice, which I have liked, because at least there was something to sink my teeth into, mostly long melismatic phrases requiring good breath control.  But the lower women's parts in this piece really have nothing to offer.  The  issue is not only the limited range, but the fact that the lower parts don't require singing for as long as the higher part, so it's all very "utilitarian".

Well, if nothing else, this has lit a fire under me to learn the solo version of Lauridsen's "O Magnum Mysterium".  It has a number of Gs.  And as I will be scheduling this with the Director of Music Ministries, who seems to have more eclectic taste in vocal colors than the choir director, it may fly.  But it would have to be late in the season, ideally on  Mary Sunday (which has a number of names).  Otherwise I will look at "Bereite Dich Zion".  That's an "alto" piece, but it's not low and it is showy, as most Bach solos are. Cuz, yanno?  I'm a showy kind of gal.

Save the Date

Well, metaphorically speaking.

I now have a definite date for my Carmen concert.  It will be at the LGBT senior center where my partner gets services, after they have dinner, on Monday May 2, 2016.  My voice teacher will be singing Don Jose.  His wife may be the narrator.  She is a contralto who is a good actress and would definitely be able to give it the right tone.  We are getting the same, superb pianist we had before.  He told me he has played for operatic concerts there before.  My teacher will look for a Micaela.  If we can get the woman who sang before, that would be lovely.  Whether or not she can sing from memory (or whether or not I am wearing my glasses) will not be relevant, because we will be singing from books (note to self: remember to find out if they have music stands; if not, remind teacher to bring one, and we can share it).

I asked if I could invite guests and was told yes, but that they had to be over 60.  That makes perfect sense, as they don't want to have to turn away clients because young people are hogging the seats (not that I think we will get that huge a turnout).  Most of my personal friends are that age anyhow, with a few exceptions.  If someone wants to bring my SO as a carer I don't think it will matter how old that person is.

I am mostly over this cold.  Today when I warmed up I sang a high C sharp.  The B in the Seguidilla (and all those low chest tones) are still not the best notes I can sing, but then that piece is not something that shows off my voice all that much.  We have opened the cut in the last act as well as the cuts that the previous producer made in the "castanets" scene, so I need to rework those.

As for choir solos, I am going to see if I can sing "Bereite Dich Zion" during Advent.  Once the choir schedule comes out (after Thanksgiving) I will see where there is an empty anthem spot.  Then next year I would like to order the piano/vocal arrangement of the Verdi "Ave Maria with Strings" so that maybe I can excerpt something for the following year.  Otherwise I seem to have run out of new pieces for Advent.

And we will see about the rest of the church year.  I like to do something every season.

This is not the most inspired post I have written, but I want to say thumbs up that I now have a date on my calendar to sing something!

Good Friday's Eve (AKA Maundy Thursday)

I am calling tonight "Good Friday's Eve" instead of Maundy Thursday because this year I am not singing at the Maundy Thursday service (that has been pretty much given over to the other church that shares our space and only uses paid soloists, no choir), so I see tonight as an "at home and rest" time.

For the most part things are going well.  I have been spot on with my part in the solo quartet sections at all the rehearsals.  The only thing that went badly last night (a loooong rehearsal where IMHO we did too much singing) was I blew the big G sharp in the "Confutatis" section, which is something I sing with the other choir sopranos so theoretically it doesn't make much difference if I sing it or not, but it is a matter of pride and proving to myself what I can do.  I know what to do.  I sing the ascending phrase big and dark (we have a lot of rest beforehand) and  push my larynx down and make space.  And bounce my lower abs.

The "Agnus Dei" sounds great.  I had a good runthrough with it on Wednesday with the pianist.  I am singing that at noon.  I had asked my teacher if I should worry about getting tired and he said no.  If necessary I will "oo" my way through most of the rehearsal before the service tomorrow night, perhaps through the "Dies Irae" which involves a lot of loud singing at the top of the staff, something I am very good at, but I can save it for the actual performance. I will want to sing out in the solo quartet sections and yes, in the phrase in the "Confutatis" so that I know I can do it.

In other news, it turns out that my partner does not want to participate in the Alzheimer's chorus.  She said it's because she doesn't have Alzheimer's (she does have some form of dementia which sometimes she admits to and sometimes not), but I actually think the issue is that she doesn't want to commit to weekly rehearsals.  That may be for the best because in May she is going to start physical therapy again twice a week.

So I have my May concert to work on, and I saw an ad for an audition for the Mozart Requiem.  It is being performed by one of the no pay opera companies that I auditioned for, which seems to mostly use these "professional cusp" singers in their late 30s and early 40s, and which probably would not be interested in me, even for an oratorio, but I certainly plan to audition.  The man who sang Don Jose in my Carmen is a stage director there so after Easter I will email him and ask him what he thinks.  The last day of auditions is on a Monday night which is manageable.  The alto solo part in the Requiem is in a low range and is easily something I can sing.  I sang the alto solo line in one of the quartets on Good Friday about four years ago, which, actually, was the last time I did any solo singing in the Good Friday evening service.  So I will ask, for example, if my aria sheet should contain oratorio selections rather than opera selections.  They are much easier to sing.  If I decide to audition I will ask my teacher what to offer.  "Liber Scriptus" would be good (I need to rework it) and possibly the Rossini "Agnus Dei," although it is long.  The only Mozart oratorio aria I know is "Laudate Dominum" which is written for a soprano but is mostly about having a lovely pianissimo high F, which I do have.  However that is not the type of thing that would show how I would sound in the Requiem. I could also bring the Bach "Qui Sedes".  Anyhow, this is something to plan and look forward to, even though they probably would not be interested in me.

Looking Up (No Qualifiers this Time)

I feel it behooves me to write when things are going well as much as when they are not.

I now have a very busy Good Friday, with several featured spots.  I will be singing the Rossini "Agnus Dei" in the noon service, which I had agreed to do before I knew what was going to be going on with the evening service.  Now I see that I will also be part of three of the solo quartets in the Dvorak Requiem at night.  I am thrilled.  There is nothing vocally demanding there (the most vocally demanding thing is one line in the soprano chorus part, which I am still singing, and which I know what to do with technically as I can sing it full voice).  It is musically demanding, especially for me as someone who does not have a music theory background.  But to date my ear has not failed me (I was able to nail my solo line in all the Verdi Requiem ensembles) so it will not fail me now.  A friend gave me an iPad, so I can put it on my dining table with my electronic keyboard and sing against various Youtube videos of the sections I need to learn.  Of course I can read music.  A very respected voice teacher gave a lecture about how instrumentalists laugh at singers who can't read music (I assume she was talking about nonclassical singers who don't read music at all.).  What I can't do is sight sing because I don't know anything about chord structure. But I will master this.  There are four measures that are very difficult, but I can feel myself on top of them already.  The rest should be simple.  I mean there have been times when we were singing a choral piece and I ended up being the only second soprano and I never had a problem.

What's also nice is that the solos are in the form of a quartet so everyone who wants a solo can have one.  In one of the quartets I will be switched out for the other mezzo who wants a solo, which makes me very happy.  When I was unhappy, it was never that I wanted all the good stuff for myself, it was that I wanted the good stuff distributed equitably.

What's sort of bittersweet is that (apparently) it seems that this meltdown that I had did some good.  Afterwards I was embarrassed, because it looked like I got upset over a very small thing, but it was not over that one thing it was over something that had been brewing for a long time.  Maybe the squeaky wheel truism is really, well, true?

Anyhow, it's now a new day, and I am praying now to be worthy of all the opportunities I have been blessed with.

Last night I sang Schubert's "Abendlied" in an evening church service, and it was well received.  Someone may have made a video.  I am not sure.  And I had a nice conversation with the two choir directors about Schubert.  I said I would be happy for more suggestions of lieder to sing.  We discussed "Du Bist die Ruh" which I have in several keys.  That would be nice for a church service because the "du" could be taken to mean "God".

That's really all I had been asking for.  To have people believe that I have a future.  If I am singing better at 64 than I ever did, there is an object lesson there somewhere.

Looking Up! (And a Nod to Fifty Shades of Praise)

I now have a really exciting gig coming up!!  I will be singing the Rossini "Agnus Dei" (aka the "sexy Agnus Dei") on Good Friday at noon.  I have no idea how well attended that service will be (I sang once on Ash Wednesday at noon and it was fairly well attended although not as well attended as the night service with choir and orchestra) but I am looking forward to it nonetheless.  This is something I have always dreamed of singing.  It is one of those "big girl" oratorio pieces albeit one that does not go above an E natural, so I should have plenty of stamina left for singing soprano in the Dvorak Requiem at night.

And I will also be singing something (not positive what) in one of the Wednesday evening Lent services.  The Director sent me a pdf of Schubert's "Abendlied" but it is in too high a key.  I was not able to easily find it online in another key, so he said he would look and see if he could find it.

So overall things are looking up.  My vocal progress continues.

As for the second half of this post, before I got the good news about my two gigs, I was going to post this anyhow, so, as it is a catchy title and I feel that I am "onto something" I want to append it here.  This is not a complaint, really more of an observation, and I think it could apply to anyone or anything.

I have said that I feel often like a plant that is not watered because I don't get enough praise.  I don't mean as a substitute for constructive criticism.  These are not mutually exclusive and in fact often they don't come from the same people.  So I tried to think of all the different kinds of praise and what they mean, and which ones I yearn for and am not getting.  So OK, maybe there are not really fifty, probably ten.

1. Praise from a teacher or coach (at a lesson or session).  This usually follows having worked on something in response to constructive criticism.  It is praise that has to be earned.  It is never given if it is not meant and it is usually given in private, in the context of a one on one session.
2. Praise after a performance (general).  This is given (privately) from members of the audience.  Sometimes it is heartfelt, sometimes it is just polite.  Sometimes it is specific, and actually helpful.  Sometimes it is extremely specific and has some constructive criticism thrown in, if the person giving feedback has musical knowledge, or has heard you before and knows your strengths and weaknesses.
3. Praise after a performance (friends and family). This could keep trickling in for several days after, in the form of a call or an email.  Although there may be some constructive criticism interwoven, it can sometimes be taken with a grain of salt, as most of these people are not musically knowledgeable (e.g., there are people who think operatic singing sounds "screamy" even if you're singing well).  Sometimes the constructive criticism pertains to things other than singing, and really can be helpful, such as "that was not a flattering dress; you should probably give it away and wear something else next time".  Pretty much all of this is given in private, unless someone who heard you tells someone who didn't how great you sounded.
4. Praise after a performance (friends and family, the high tech version). This is something I do not get and younger people (like Little Miss) do.  This can involve friends and family making videos of your performance and posting on their Facebook pages, your Facebook pages, and their entire friendslist's Facebook pages, combined with a lot of public kvelling.
5. Praise after a performance (teachers and coaches, the low tech version).  This is not that dissimilar to 1, but as it is given after a performance, praise usually comes first, criticism later, unless something went terribly wrong.  This again is usually a one-on-one exchange.
6. Praise after a performance (teachers and coaches, the high tech version). This is not that different from 4, except that a teacher or coach will be choosier about whom s/he sends the video to and where s/he posts it.
7. Praise after a performance (the afterglow of the buzz). This was what Little Miss's recital got, that my Carmen did not. What my mother would have called "the water cooler gossip".  People still talking about your event for some time after it happened, to people who weren't there.  This can include a bit of 4.
8. Praise in front of a group. This again is something I don't recall getting at all, which Little Miss got quite a bit of.  This can run the gamut from a choir director or other authority figure saying "let's give __________a hand" to the group breaking into applause, to someone yelling "Go YM!!!" (I don't think anyone ever yelled "Go BabyD!!!" when I sang something louder and fuller, or sweeter and more properly in tune, or held a note longer than the group.)
9. Praise through giving one's imprimatur. I have gotten some of this, usually at my instigation, but not as much as others, or as I felt was my due. This can include someone's forwarding your e-flyers, reposting your Facebook invitations, or making an announcement inviting people to come "show their support".  If you do this yourself, it does not serve the same purpose.
10. Praise through shared assumptions (which is particularly dangerous if those assumptions are, in fact, not shared). This again is something that Little Miss got a lot of that I did not, which triggered my meltdown a few weeks ago.  This rubric includes things such as "oh, don't worry, _________ will be here Sunday" or buzzing around someone making them feel (and signaling to everyone else) that they are sui generis because their presence or absence can make or break a piece of music.  Setting up a situation where one person is acknowledged to be the "star" of a group and everyone is OK with it because most of the other people, although hardworking, are not that serious about the whole thing (which of course is deadly if there are other "star" contenders).  But for the "star" it's a nice feeling to have.  That's you're the Queen Bee.  In one venue anyhow. Definitely on my "bucket list". (Then you need to make sure you're still getting the constructive criticism and tweaking and perfecting you need so you don't "rust" on your laurels, as it were.)

And now it's time to go practice!!  I'm so excited about diving into the "Agnus Dei".

Lent is Better Than New Year's

Even though I don't consider myself Christian (I do consider myself partially Christian as Unitarianism is a blend of everything), I like the idea of observing Lent.  As I jokingly said, observing one or more spiritual disciplines for 40 days definitely beats the Jewish alternative of making yourself sick for 24 hours by not eating or drinking water.

This year there was an article circulating on Facebook about 10 ways to observe Lent, and I have picked four, the last one being the most relevant here.

The first two have to do with not acquiring and getting rid of "stuff", which is always a good thing to do, and the third said "no gossiping".  I am not always sure what constitutes "gossiping", but I will try not to pass along stories I have heard about people that sound "juicy" but that come from a third party and may not even be true.  I suppose "gossiping" can also be construed to mean repeating things told to one in confidence, which of course I would never do, unless I found a way to tell the story anonymously if I thought it was necessary in a particular context, to help other people.

The fourth observance that I really plan to stick to is "no complaining".  For me that means in writing as well as out loud.  Who knows?  Maybe it will make me feel better.  I feel that I am constantly working at feeling grateful, which sometimes feels as hard as working out.  I know that a lot of my bad feelings come from what my therapist calls "affluenza" (in my case the issue has less to do with money than with artistic and professional success), that is, being surrounded by extremely successful people all the time because of where I live.

So I will focus on positive things.  We got the choir schedule running from Lent through Easter so my task now (in addition to learning all that music) is to look around for an occasion to sing an appropriate solo, either at the regular service when there is no choir or at one of the Spanish services.  The "sexy Agnus Dei" is too long, but it might be OK for the Spanish Good Friday service, or I could make a cut in it.  I would also love to do the Bach "Qui Sedes" again. Maybe on the Sunday when the choir is not singing (I think the informal choir sings on that day) I could sing it during communion.  (I have already sung it in the Spanish service, on Good Friday two years ago.)  Or there are two other settings of the "Qui Sedes" text, both by Vivaldi.  On Good Friday the choir will be singing the Dvorak Requiem.  I am going to see if there is a mezzo solo.  If so, I will see what the politic thing to do would be a propos of finding a place to sing it.  Or I could look at the Inflammatus from the Dvorak Stabat Mater.  This is a favorite with some contraltos I know, but it is not terribly low (in a similar range to "O Rest in the  Lord").

Lastly, the issue of Classical Singer for which I was interviewed has come out. The article was about singers who started late.  From reading it, I can see that we run the gamut from people who began in their mid 30s who are singing either professionally or in high level amateur productions, to people like me, who really didn't develop our voices fully until we were much older.  If there was a takeaway from the article for me, it had less to do with singing per se than with he fact that people (because everyone is living longer) are starting all sorts of things when we're older and it's stupid to write us off.  I mean there's the issue of looks, but there's all sorts of classical singing going on where looks shouldn't matter.  As I said in my quote about ageism, if it's about looks, that's one thing, but to write people in their 50s and 60s off because we are probably on a downward trajectory is very wrong-headed nowadays.

More Spit than Polish

I got the video of "Et Exsultavit" back and am giving it a mixed review.

I think I sound much better than the last time I sang it (other than that I gulped for air after the long run; on the other hand I got through it) but I looked like a complete mess.

The temperature had been in the single digits with 40 mph winds (I took a car service to the church) so I was wearing heavy wool pants, a heavy sweater, snow boots, and, when I was outside, a hat, which I never do because I don't want to squish down my hair.  My hair is naturally straight as a stick, which I do not like at all, and at some point I got tired of perms (the last ones I got fried my hair but kept it straight notwithstanding; it sort of looked like straightened brillo) so I began putting tiny little foam rollers in it after I washed it.  Usually I manage it with a fro pick and hair spray, which is fine if my head is uncovered when I leave the house, if it is not windy or raining.  I actually did look in the mirror before the service, but I guess I didn't realize how bad it looked from the sides and in the back.

And often I just look awkward.  I look like an older woman with glasses who is not all that graceful.  I think that was magnified by the fact that the video was full length rather than just zooming in on my face.

And to boot, the pianist made a mistake while he was accompanying me.  This is totally out of character for him.   He probably was overextended and we hadn't rehearsed it enough.

Anyhow, what makes me so sad (yet again) is I know I need a lot of polishing that I am not getting and don't know what to do about it or where to get it that is affordable, or even better, that is an organic part of my life.

I had asked to have this video made because I was miffed yet again by a video of Little Miss that someone had circulated, with gushing praise. So I thought, OK, I will have my own video. But it is not good enough to post anywhere, although I did send it to one friend, with various caveats.

The problem is I just don't have the resources I need.  I can just about manage to see a voice teacher twice a month and work on technique and repertoire five or six days a week.  I am going to take Spanish in the Fall, as the Spanish service is resource-poor venue right now, where I can be appreciated (and one of the coaches I've been to thinks my voice is ideally suited for Spanish art songs) but I don't have either a "team" (like you do in a conservatory) or a personal circle of family and friends who buzz around me fussing with my hair or asking me to stand up in front of them and "present" an aria so they can comment on my body language.

If I want "polish" I need to have these kinds of things going on regularly, not twice a year at best.  I didn't even have a personal friend there with me (as distinct from supportive buddies in the congregation) who would have taken me aside and said "BabyD, let me see what we can do with that hair!"

The one woman who did help students with these kinds of things (the coach who told me to work on Spanish songs) is not producing the kinds of concerts or programs that I would be interested in right now.  She is producing some kind of a musical comedy, that is definitely not my kind of thing.  There are traditional musical theater roles (very few, actually, for older women who sing "legit" - only Nettie in Carousel and the Mother Abbess from Sound of Music come to mind) that I would love to perform, but clowning it up is not my thing.

At least I am (mostly) happy with how I sang that piece.  Now I will look for something for Lent, as soon as I get the choir schedule.

ETA: A friend to whom I emailed the video said she really liked how I sounded and complimented me on my posture (!) and said it didn't matter what I was wearing as it was a church service not a concert.  So tomorrow I will email it to the pianist and ask if he minds if I post it on Facebook (it was a joint endeavor so I wouldn't post it otherwise).  I do plan to email it to my voice teacher, though.

Transfiguration Sunday

I have had a very stressful few days, emotionally.  Right now I feel like I've been through a wringer.

Just as I was really feeling happy for the first time in a long time, one of my Facebook friends reposted a blog entry by the woman I refer to as "Miss Blowhard" (a singer with a minor career - albeit a gorgeous voice - who is also a teacher and writer) about the whole issue of should you/shouldn't you sing for free, which went back and re-hashed the whole bookstore singing gig, which I really thought had been put to bed.

I am not even sure where her post was going, because first she said singers shouldn't sing for free, then she said yes, there were avocational singers and that that was an esteemable thing.  She did rehash in great detail a conversation she had with the woman from the publisher stating that she would not let her students (I have no idea what level they are at) sing something like that for free nor would she let them sing at a church for free.  In the process of all this she referred to me as "a dedicated avocational singer who appeared to have gotten a lot of enjoyment out of the experience".  Part of me feels lucky to have escaped the barbs of her sharp tongue, and that that description of me was "charitable enough".  Later, though, I felt that there was something "booby-prizeish" about it and that my considering it a compliment shows how little self esteem I have.  I think if that posting had a "point" it was that people were entitled to use avocational singers but that they needed to be "educated" that they then were using a "lower tier of service".  So that's what I am then?  The Wal-Mart version?

Reading these sorts of things is really not helpful and just makes me unhappy.  So, I'm the Wal-Mart version.  Can't I have break from being reminded of that?  How can being told that possibly help me have a happier life using my talents as best I can?

Then I ended up really losing my temper (figuratively speaking) on Facebook about another perceived diss (I don't want to say who, what, because I learned my lesson about being tactless) and had a tiff with someone that did not do me any favors.  We hugged and made up without endless palaver, which is a good thing.  It was yet another incident involving Little Miss getting more than her fair share of attention.

Here's what I think bothers me so much, and it really ties all these themes together.

No, I don't think grieving is a good metaphor for whatever it is I'm feeling.  It's more like yearning.  An enormous yearning that nothing can assuage, that hurts more than anyone will ever know.  Yearning for recognition, for attention, for applause (not for nothing, but for all the hard work I've done, and how much better I sound each year than I did the year before, particularly now).  And then I realized that this is not the first time I've yearned and yearned and yearned for something I don't or maybe can't have.  But this is the first time that I've yearned and yearned and yearned for something for so long and not eventually found a viable substitute, which would then enable me to move on.  In high school if I yearned after Charlie and he wouldn't give me a second look, I could date Timmy, and eventually, I would be happy with Timmy.  If Beth made me feel fat and coarse, I could stop spending time with her and find a few other friends who thought I was glamorous and interesting.  But there is noplace I seem to be able to go with the talents and abilities I have now where they matter all that much.  I am not a masochist.  At some point I realized I would be happier if I cut myself off from the world of professional singers (or emergings, or semi-pros), stopped reading their posts and stopped going to see performances given by the opera groups that have rejected me.  I "unsubscribed" to emails from those groups, finally, so that I would not know what they are doing.  But you see, "Little Miss" has brought that world right into what I thought was a "safe haven" where I could be special - a choir that doesn't pay people.  And the whole tone has changed, which is why I lost my temper over something basically pretty trivial.

Well, today was Transfiguration Sunday, so maybe I will be transfigured.  And soon it will be Lent, so maybe I can meditate on my sins, of which envy is absolutely the biggest.

I actually had a nice day today.  I sang "Et Exsultavit" from the Magnificat in D at the Spanish service and everyone loved it.  Someone told me I should sing there more often.  And I may get a video.  And my Spanish is improving.  I understood at least half of the sermon.   In the Fall I plan to audit a course in Spanish at Hunter College.  People over 60 can audit courses there for $65 a semester.