Not a B**tch

Nothing much is really happening (other than that we had the second biggest snowstorm on record), but I didn't want the last post I made to be the one people see first if they stumble upon my blog.  I want to let it stand, though, because, first of all, the little meme I created is rather funny (and I am proud of my having been able to design it myself), and second, because the list I enumerated below it reflects how I feel a lot of the time.

I think of myself as a jealous b**tch (let's just say that the older I get, the more I understand Amneris, although the prize is not necessarily a man), but when all is said and done, I'm not.

Saturday there was a traffic ban, everything was closed, including all the Broadway shows, and as a consequence, Little Miss's opera performance was also canceled.  As it was in a rather prestigious venue, that I am sure is booked for the next year, there probably won't be a "rain" - or rather "snow" date, and I really did feel sorry.  I just have to say that however screamingly and sobbingly envious I am, I would never wish another person harm or bad luck, certainly not anyone who has never done anything to harm me or anyone else.  It made me feel relieved to realize that, which means I am a nicer person than I think I am. (As an aside, she did get to perform the role once, the previous weekend, hence all the [professional and press] photos on Facebook.)

To me there is a difference between wishing someone ill, and just wishing you didn't have to see them or hear about what they are doing.

Basically what it boils down to is that I am not aging gracefully.  I can't admit that some things will never be, no matter how hard I work, no matter how much native talent I was given.  I would never lie about my age, and don't care how old anyone thinks I look.  I don't even mind that much having to use a cane to get around in the snow (the only thing that makes me angry is the presumed universality of "snow glee", somehow transporting even the oldest geezer back to childhood, and totally ignoring the fact that there are people for whom the prospect of snow is frightening, not exhilarating).

What I mind are all the closed doors.  The assumed ones (like the opera company that told me I was not a "future investment", which to me is different from telling me I looked to old for a part, or that they worried that I was not physically mobile enough for a part), and then the real ones: no one is interested in someone moving toward the cusp of sounding as good as a professional, when she's 65.  It may be an interesting phenomenon (as my teacher has said, and as some of my age peers, who by their own admission do not sing as well now as they did ten years ago, have been astounded by) but that doesn't translate into offers.

When I was younger, if I was not happy with how something was going, there was always hope.  It might have been false hope, or I might not have achieved or received whatever it was I wanted, but I could enjoy the journey, because who knew where it might take me?

Now, sadly, the answer seems to be nowhere that is not of my own making.

That said, it is almost time to dress and go to my voice lesson, where I can work on Carmen - to be performed on May 2.

Data Bites

I haven't written anything for a while, mostly because nothing all that interesting is happening.

On the church front, I will be singing "Buss und Reu" from the St. Matthew Passion Sunday at 9 am. I learned it quickly - there is just one spot where I have trouble finding my note, so I need to drill it with the recording today, tomorrow, and maybe even Saturday night.

Later that morning we are singing something in a very high range - "E'en so, Lord Jesus" by Paul Manz. The sopranos have two phrases that begin on a high B flat!! Well, this notasoprano is passing on that note and beginning the phrases on an A flat. It's the kind of note where I can just drop my larynx and let it rip, so no problem there.

On Good Friday, I am in the soprano section for the Inroit to the St. Matthew Passion. As the conservatory-trained coloratura has moved on to more prestigious pastures, I guess they need me up there. There is nothing beyond me, really. There is one phrase with a high A, but on those measures he has me (and one of the other second sopranos) singing a "response" word on another staff. The part I have to sing has some nice ascending phrases going up to sustained Gs and Fs, which I can certainly handle. The choir director complimented me on how much better I am able to "control" my voice up there. Well, yes, I have been working my tail off!! I said I use a supported pianissimo, not falsetto. When I tried to sing falsetto up there it choked off my highest notes and some days I couldn't even make it to a B flat. Now that I sing with my larynx down all the time I am going up to high C in exercises every day.

I feel a bit guilty reading about what some of the parishioners are doing during Lent, most notably trying to live on either a bag of groceries from the church's food pantry or the cost of one serving at the community lunch. They are not doing this for all of Lent - just one week each. And they mostly seem to be young. I have been there done that. When I was in my 20s and early 30s often that was all I had for food. I earned almost nothing in a clerical job (this is when I was singing the first time) and in my self-image as an amazon dyke warrior (albeit of the "femme" variety) I wouldn't have been caught dead taking money from my mother. I mean she had very little herself, and certainly couldn't have afforded to pay my rent, for example, but she could have bought me a few groceries.

It's funny. I have never aspired to virtue. Maybe that is because I am not Christian? As I have said, I am a "little bit Christian (the art, music, and Brit Lit lover in me), a little bit Jewish (the New York intellectual in me), and a little bit pagan (the bisexual believer in polyamory in me)." I suppose that translates just fine into Unitarian Universalist. I do try to be fair and just and compassionate, but I feel that my life has put me in a position of being too self-sacrificing (maybe that's uncharitable?) so I am looking to put more, not less, hedonism in it.

On another subject, I put a huge note on my calendar on July 1 to start working on the Verdi Requiem again for two hours a day. In the summer there are no choir rehearsals - just a few ad hoc appearances at Sunday services and the soloists get to have some choice 11:00 anthem spots where we can sing something "upbeat".