The Post I Don't Want to Make

I was debating for several days whether to write about this, but I decided now that I will.  Just when I was feeling at an all time low (not about my singing, which I really feel has improved lately, but about how my life has conspired, for the past five years really, to make it more and more difficult for me to follow my "bliss" in any way at all, regarding singing or otherwise), I had the kind of upsetting experience I never thought I'd have.

When I was on line Sunday after the church service (we sang a rousing anthem in 8 parts and I sang the bottom soprano part - full voice, because there was another part above me and the ending was marked "forte") the wife of our star tenor soloist (who also sometimes leads the choir rehearsals when our director is away) came up to me and said "I know a voice teacher who would love to get her hands on you".  So this was like, huh??  She's not a singer, so why is she telling me about a voice teacher.  Then it got worse as she went on.  First she raved about my spectacular instrument, then she talked about how this teacher had helped her husband when his voice was "in tatters".  (I know her husband had the beginnings of a major career which was derailed because he had respiratory problems, so he went on to another profession but kept singing.)  So does my voice sound like it's "in tatters"?  I would hardly think so.  I mean, I think there are issues I need to fix and I don't always know why some of them are resistant, but changing teachers is not the first solution that springs to mind.  I have an unusually big voice (everyone has said that) so as soon as I stop "crooning" (my teacher's word) I have to deal with the issue of how to support it and "manage" it.  This takes time and the decks are stacked against me because I didn't do the right things when my voice was growing, I started really studying seriously (by which I mean not sabotaging myself) at the age of 54, or in any event, I started studying again at the age of 54, which would be hard enough.

So there are two issues here.  Yes, I've often thought it would be interesting to get a second opinion, which actually I did once, with a respected teacher and coach, who told me basically that I had a good technique, I just had to map out how I was going to "present" an aria so I husbanded my strength and not panic and do so much "preparation" for a high note.  I had often also thought that maybe some of the problems I've had with top notes are the result of my teacher teaching me to approach them the way he does (on the other hand, the reason I began studying with him in the 70s  was that I was impressed by his wife's singing and she was a spinto soprano with pianissimi worthy of Leontyne Price) so I had thought it might be good to get a second (particularly a female) perspective on how to lighten my voice at the top.  (And if my teacher died or moved away, there is a woman I would contact, because I have always liked the way her students sound.)

But to have someone throw down the gauntlet that way in a peculiar context?

I remember Zachary who has commented on this blog, saying that when a person says something like that they want to make trouble.  But why would this woman want to make trouble?  (Actually I spoke to my partner about this incident, and she was surprisingly sympathetic and said that maybe this woman was trying to be helpful.  She also said maybe the husband put her put to it but I would doubt that - as he sometimes leads the choir I think he would feel free to speak to me if he wanted to but the way to do that is to say "you seem to be having trouble with that phrase, have you thought of trying [fillintheblank]?" not to flog a particular teacher.)

In any event, I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I am not really insulted but I feel put on the spot. And of course I am doubting myself.  Why do I keep having this big voice that sounds undisciplined?  (On the other hand, some people have told me I have a good technique.)

I have a lesson today and thought I would ask my teacher if he has heard of the teacher that was mentioned, but I tried looking her up online and couldn't find any information, which is odd.  I can find information about my current teacher, even though he has no academic credentials, if I google him I get hits mentioning concerts and operas he has sung in.  (I also got plenty of hits about this tenor and his wife who is a college professor in another field.)

So I think I will just go to my lesson.  I may mention this conversation just by way of asking him what he thinks of it.

Then tomorrow, unfortunately, this tenor is leading the choir rehearsal.  I say "unfortunately" because I feel now I will have to deal with this issue because even though he didn't participate in the conversation I was having with his wife he certainly overheard it.  Actually, I have always liked when he leads the rehearsals because he knows about voices and always makes good suggestions to the group.

I think the thing I find hard to deal with about certain kinds of criticism (constructive or otherwise) isn't just that criticism can sting (or it can be helpful) it's that I see it as pushing me in a position of having to do something: take a suggestion (whether I want to or not), argue why I don't want to take a suggestion, or something.


Mostly I just feel embarrassed.

I Dream of Feedback

First, an update. I got all the files back from the engineer. The ones without reverb sound much better however there is an echo-ish sound to the ones recorded the second day, because the engineer did something different, which he thought would make things sound better, but didn't. I would say that other than the Nabucco aria, all the files reflect my singing at its more or less best right now. I will decide when the engineer gets back whether I want to "produce" a CD to sell at the church, or only to distribute to friends (I will not include the Nabucoo aria). If I do the latter I will not spend money on packaging.

I think I may have to wait another year to do this Verdi Requiem. I now only have two months and my teacher and the soprano who sang at my concert now are not available as a result of musical and nonmusical commitments.

The good news is that the pastor said I can use the church for free, which I assume is an open invitation, not time limited.

I tried two people, one a tenor the other a soprano and the tenor said no thank you and the soprano I think is looking for something at a higher level. If I can't get three people and a pianist by Friday I think I will officially postpone it until next year and start planning in the Fall.

Also, I got a nice letter from the person I auditioned for earlier in the month saying he would keep my resume on file. They seem like nice people to work with and I am more comfortable with people my own age.

Finally to the subject of this post.

I realized that there is a type of feedback that I want that I am not getting, and really it has to do with the same issue I brought up in this post.

I realize I don't really need all that much feedback about my singing. I get that from my teacher, sometimes from accompanists, and, in a different context, from the choir director.

The feedback I desperately want and have not gotten is where would be a good place either for me to sing (it can be bloody anywhere as long as I can sing classical music and don't have to pay more than $25 a pop) or to meet people. My therapist was the one who suggested meetups, but when I went everyone was at a much higher level (not to mention much younger) so I was not comfortable.


One helpful suggestion I got a long time ago (I only just now remembered it) was several years ago, when I had just left the Unitarian church and The Mentor, a woman I met online said that I should join a small community chorus that sang classical music. If I did that, then A I would be one of the better singers and would probably get solo opportunities and B I could just sit and quietly work on my vocal technical issues in the course of whatever music we were working on.

So that is more or less what I have done with this church choir. The music is suited to classical voices, the choir is small enough that, yes, it matters if I'm there or not, I would definitely say I am one of the better singers with more training, which is a morale booster, I get solo opportunities, and I can work on technique as things arise (not to mention that I have been forced to develop a better pianissimo high A flat than most dramatic mezzos, even a lot of professionals). And there are a lot of social and spiritual fringe benefits.

I find it hard to believe that in a city as big as this one there aren't some older adults with big operatic voices that they began training late, who will never be professionals or even, apparently, good enough to get cast in most of the amateur productions in the city (these people used to get cast in leading roles in the small companies in the 70s) but who can slog their way through some operatic arias and scenes and even do some nice singing, and would like the opportunity to do so.

Or I just want someone to invite me to do something which is why I don't like frequenting places where I'm in the 15th or the 20th percentile in terms of skill. It's not ego, really.

ETA: I think a lot of this problem would be solved if I could even find one!!! person with similar demographics (older, still working on technique, hungry not burned out) who would be my support buddy. I really feel all alone with this most of the time, which is a major part of my problem, particularly in terms of how I feel. If I had a buddy who could go with me to these meetups, for example, we could be each other's cheering section. The other people there are all talking to each other about auditions and agents etc. so if I had someone to go with we could talk about whether a particular note or phrase sounded better than it did last time, or whatever, and I know I would be less nervous that I was when I went there and basically might as well have been by myself in a vacuum.