First, I need to say that my mini-concert at the new senior facility went well. I nailed the two high As in "The Drinking Song" and everything else went well. The people seemed to really enjoy it. Later in the year I will get in touch with the woman who coordinates these things and see if she wants us to come back.
And I loved the name of the program: Engage Life. In addition to having concerts, they also have outings for the residents where they take them to museums. Once again, it was reinforced that I have a "calling" to work with seniors that I hope will extend into my future if I am left behind by my angel.
I am also really really trying to love my "little life" which most of the time I do.
As for the rant, I am writing it down here because I don't know what else to do with it. I wrote a letter to the Times section "Social Qs" but have no idea if it will be answered let alone printed (I didn't even get an automated response, which I found odd, as I did when I wrote to The Ethicist a few years ago. They answered, but did not print, my question.)
As I've probably mentioned numerous times before, I live in a NYC apartment building in which half of the tenants (all rent regulated) have lived for 20, 30, or more years. For the most part we are a cohesive and supportive community and are committed to "speaking with one voice" if we have to communicate with the building management.
Unfortunately, I have a neighbor, someone I detest (he is simply a "type" that I detest) mostly because he treats the communal laundry room as his personal "man cave" and any time I go down there to do laundry he is blasting loud music. I have no idea what it is; once he told me what he was playing was the "Velvet Underground". There are several issues here. First, I dislike most of the music he plays. Second, in this era of technology, he should be using ear buds. (I suggested this to him but he said he doesn't like them because he wants to be aware of his surroundings! He's kidding, right? He couldn't even hear if someone said "hello".) Third, no one should be playing music in a public place. Fourth, no one should be playing music that loud if they don't want to end up deaf. But fifth and most importantly I see the whole thing as a form of male aggression.
Any time I come down there if he has music on, he does turn it off, saying "I didn't know you were coming down here." To me that's not enough. That is making it about me. That I'm "too sensitive" so he will be "nice". The typical male/female trope of men taking space (auditory included) and then accommodating to women who don't like it rather than just not doing it in the first place!!
I am at my wits end about this. Actually, when the new building manager took over, they circulated a list of do's and dont's (unfortunately they attached it to people's leases, which is illegal) that covered a wide range of topics including (this is legal if posted in a lobby) that people were not allowed to play music in public places. I mentioned it to my neighbor, who claims he never saw it, which might be true. I was going to email it to him but decided against it because it also referred to people not making noise in their apartments. That's a rats' nest I don't want to stir up. I have never gotten complaints about my singing, even the ten minutes I spend warming up at 7:45 before leaving to sing in the 9 am service once a month. And in fairness, I have never complained about noise coming from anyone else's apartment, which I hear occasionally: everything from loud rock music (never past 9 pm and not as loud as it is when I'm actually standing next to it in the laundry room) to a little girl and her father screaming at each other.
I suppose now with the advent of women speaking out, I have come to see the behavior of this neighbor as assaultive. He's giving the finger to civilized adult society, like a teenager (he's almost 70). And what I hate equally is he's always trying to "engage" with me in some way. Once at a tenants' meeting, for example, he told me I looked like a skinhead because my jeans were rolled up (hello I'm short!!!) and I had on red socks. What kind of idiotic comment was that? What did he think he was trying to do? All it did was make me feel aggressed against.
I think why I hate him so much is that he thinks he's hip and cool and has committed the unforgiveable sin of thinking that I will like him because he is hip and cool. I don't do hip and cool. I sing Bach.
Sunday, May 26, 2019
Saturday, April 20, 2019
Postpartum Depression
I don't really know what else to call it.
The Good Friday service went well. It wasn't as exciting as I had expected (nor as well attended as usual) and when I got home I felt sandbagged by something I can only call "depression".
Is it because I am grieving over Abbie? I have not really felt like crying over her loss. Abbie was not a poignant, sympathetic, tragic figure, similarly to how my mother was not those things. Abbie really was all the things my mother was, only nicer: cerebral, direct, not suffering fools gladly, hating sentimentality. She was also someone who would always turn up and "do" if you needed her. My mother was all those things but she didn't know how to "make nice", which Abbie did. (My mother would have contemptuously dismissed that as "Southern").
In any event, the loss of Abbie is a loss and somewhat of a shock, but I don't feel sad. Since she had moved to the Left Coast about four years ago we had not seen her. And one blessing I now have is, after telling a church friend about my feeling of loss, particularly that I have now lost someone whom I always assumed would be there to be helpful when my partner died, this friend said that if she was "alive and mobile" (she is about 6 years older than I am) she would go to Maine with me to scatter my partner's ashes.
But I am feeling other losses as well. Yes, the Good Friday service went well, but once again it made me realize all the talent I am drowning in. Although there was one thing of note, a situation in which I surprised myself. The "boy soprano" woman I mentioned (she is not young; probably close to my age) sang really well, probably the best I'd ever heard her, and I was genuinely happy for her. I told her it was the best I had ever heard her sing, which is true. And she had the perfect voice for the plaintive "Agnus Dei". I think the issue is that however bitter and envious I often am, I am happy when someone my age, who is still working on her art, does well. Everyone kvells over the young talent. They breathe up all the air in the room whether they want to or not. So us older folks, who are by no means done and by no means a "finished product" want our moment too. Of course the new dramatic soprano was the star of the evening. Just because of her talent (she is certainly the opposite of a prima donna). The tenor with whom I have had a relationship that runs hot and cold (I was stunned last year when he complimented me on singing Maundy Thursday) made a fuss over her, talking with his wife on the street afterwards. On the other hand, her path forward may not be easy. She has a much bigger and more impressive voice than Little Miss, but she is less versatile and less surrounded by a clacque although she does have a supportive voice teacher. She is going to be singing a secondary role in a Wagner production somewhere. I just so yearn to be special, which I will never be.
Easter will be a vocal anti-climax. I opted to sing the alto part in "Worthy is the Lamb" from the Messiah. It is a bleeping octave below the soprano part. I think my teacher was right that the part was written for countertenors, not women. I probably could sing the soprano part (particularly since we are not doing the "Amen" at the end which has a phrase that starts on a high A) but I didn't have time to sing it into my voice and the dramatic soprano will be there singing it, so to coin a metaphor, it is stupid to put the two heaviest people on the same side of the boat. So, ironically, Easter, which is supposed to be a high point, will be a low point for me both vocally and otherwise, but then it will be over and I can go back to working on the "Drinking Song", which has a high A in it. And when I show up for warm up on Sunday I will make sure I have warmed up at home to an A just because I can.
In a more intellectual mode, I was interested to read a quote from Nadia Bolz-Weber in which she said that the message of the Resurrection is that it is an opportunity for people to be resurrected from the graves they dig for themselves. For me (someone who is totally skeptical about the "Risen Christ") this really resonates. Maybe I can rise from the grave I'm always digging for myself? I can never turn the clock back and be a teen or a 20something with a clean, glorious voice undamaged by cigarettes and alcohol, making my way undistracted. So I need to "get over it".
The Good Friday service went well. It wasn't as exciting as I had expected (nor as well attended as usual) and when I got home I felt sandbagged by something I can only call "depression".
Is it because I am grieving over Abbie? I have not really felt like crying over her loss. Abbie was not a poignant, sympathetic, tragic figure, similarly to how my mother was not those things. Abbie really was all the things my mother was, only nicer: cerebral, direct, not suffering fools gladly, hating sentimentality. She was also someone who would always turn up and "do" if you needed her. My mother was all those things but she didn't know how to "make nice", which Abbie did. (My mother would have contemptuously dismissed that as "Southern").
In any event, the loss of Abbie is a loss and somewhat of a shock, but I don't feel sad. Since she had moved to the Left Coast about four years ago we had not seen her. And one blessing I now have is, after telling a church friend about my feeling of loss, particularly that I have now lost someone whom I always assumed would be there to be helpful when my partner died, this friend said that if she was "alive and mobile" (she is about 6 years older than I am) she would go to Maine with me to scatter my partner's ashes.
But I am feeling other losses as well. Yes, the Good Friday service went well, but once again it made me realize all the talent I am drowning in. Although there was one thing of note, a situation in which I surprised myself. The "boy soprano" woman I mentioned (she is not young; probably close to my age) sang really well, probably the best I'd ever heard her, and I was genuinely happy for her. I told her it was the best I had ever heard her sing, which is true. And she had the perfect voice for the plaintive "Agnus Dei". I think the issue is that however bitter and envious I often am, I am happy when someone my age, who is still working on her art, does well. Everyone kvells over the young talent. They breathe up all the air in the room whether they want to or not. So us older folks, who are by no means done and by no means a "finished product" want our moment too. Of course the new dramatic soprano was the star of the evening. Just because of her talent (she is certainly the opposite of a prima donna). The tenor with whom I have had a relationship that runs hot and cold (I was stunned last year when he complimented me on singing Maundy Thursday) made a fuss over her, talking with his wife on the street afterwards. On the other hand, her path forward may not be easy. She has a much bigger and more impressive voice than Little Miss, but she is less versatile and less surrounded by a clacque although she does have a supportive voice teacher. She is going to be singing a secondary role in a Wagner production somewhere. I just so yearn to be special, which I will never be.
Easter will be a vocal anti-climax. I opted to sing the alto part in "Worthy is the Lamb" from the Messiah. It is a bleeping octave below the soprano part. I think my teacher was right that the part was written for countertenors, not women. I probably could sing the soprano part (particularly since we are not doing the "Amen" at the end which has a phrase that starts on a high A) but I didn't have time to sing it into my voice and the dramatic soprano will be there singing it, so to coin a metaphor, it is stupid to put the two heaviest people on the same side of the boat. So, ironically, Easter, which is supposed to be a high point, will be a low point for me both vocally and otherwise, but then it will be over and I can go back to working on the "Drinking Song", which has a high A in it. And when I show up for warm up on Sunday I will make sure I have warmed up at home to an A just because I can.
In a more intellectual mode, I was interested to read a quote from Nadia Bolz-Weber in which she said that the message of the Resurrection is that it is an opportunity for people to be resurrected from the graves they dig for themselves. For me (someone who is totally skeptical about the "Risen Christ") this really resonates. Maybe I can rise from the grave I'm always digging for myself? I can never turn the clock back and be a teen or a 20something with a clean, glorious voice undamaged by cigarettes and alcohol, making my way undistracted. So I need to "get over it".
Thursday, April 18, 2019
Sad News, and Life Goes On
A few days after I wrote my last post, my friend Abbie died. I didn't hear about it until the following Friday, from her older daughter. It is all a shock. I decided to wait to tell my partner until Sunday (Palm Sunday) when I would be at her house. She took it pretty well. And she will forget. There are days when she doesn't remember that my mother is dead, or that her sister is dead. It turns out that the cancer Abbie had was in the liver and pancreas, which rapidly becomes fatal. When she wrote to me she used the word "abdominal" which I took to mean "stomach cancer", which is why I was surprised, because that is a type of cancer that many people survive.
Less important, but to me shocking, is that no one has done anything about submitting an obituary to any news outlet. I have Googled her every day and there is nothing. Abbie had written three memoirs, a novel, numerous magazine articles, and had a Wikipedia page (I don't know who managed that). I also am surprised that she hadn't written her own obituary. My mother (who was not a "personage" like Abbie but thought she was) had one at the ready at least a decade before she died, so that I could send it to the TIMES. All I can think of was that Abbie was modest and perhaps her daughters (one lives on the Left Coast, the other deep in Trump Country) aren't interested in their mother's legacy.
The day after I heard that Abbie had died, I sang the Schubert "Ave Maria" at the funeral I mentioned. It went well. The Good Friday music is going well. As an aside, it seems that after three months of struggling with asthma and experimenting with how to treat it, it is gone. Perhaps it is seasonal. I was at the point where I was using the inhaler every day. I would say that I had some kind of upper airway distress almost every day between December 27 and April 10. Fingers crossed. In any event, that underscores why it is a good idea for me not to plan concerts during that period. And other than florid pieces like "Rejoice Greatly" I think it would be a good idea for me to stay away from singing anything with exposed high notes in public during that period.
I have the alto line in two solo quartets from the Missa Solemnis. I was disappointed not to be given the third (and in some ways the loveliest) solo part, which was given to a woman in the alto section with a pretty, small voice (sort of like a boy soprano). I suppose the choir director wanted that kind of sound at the very end (she is singing "Agnus Dei" which is the last thing we sing). I do love my solo quartets, particularly "Christe Eleison". And of course the new dramatic soprano is singing all the soprano solos. She sounds fabulous. Having her there doesn't get under my skin the way having "Little Miss" there did. Dramatic Sop is enough older (she is 30 or 31 and conducts herself like someone older) that I can sort of look at her as a mentor (if I feel like) not an irksome wunderkind. On the other hand, of course I am green with envy. There is nothing that assuages the heartache of wishing I could go back and do it over. 1964 would be a good place to start. Don't smoke, don't try to be "hip", ignore your mother pushing you to be "with it", and honor your talent.
In other (good) news, I finally heard back from the two places I had contacted about putting on a concert. One is someplace I have sung before. So I need to get back in my high dramatic mezzo groove. My teacher will be singing with me and we will probably sing the Anna Bolena duet. First up is the little mini concert in May where I will be singing the "Drinking Song" from Lucretia Borgia.
And on a totally unrelated topic, I may be a media spokesperson for events to do with the 50th anniversary of Stonewall.
Less important, but to me shocking, is that no one has done anything about submitting an obituary to any news outlet. I have Googled her every day and there is nothing. Abbie had written three memoirs, a novel, numerous magazine articles, and had a Wikipedia page (I don't know who managed that). I also am surprised that she hadn't written her own obituary. My mother (who was not a "personage" like Abbie but thought she was) had one at the ready at least a decade before she died, so that I could send it to the TIMES. All I can think of was that Abbie was modest and perhaps her daughters (one lives on the Left Coast, the other deep in Trump Country) aren't interested in their mother's legacy.
The day after I heard that Abbie had died, I sang the Schubert "Ave Maria" at the funeral I mentioned. It went well. The Good Friday music is going well. As an aside, it seems that after three months of struggling with asthma and experimenting with how to treat it, it is gone. Perhaps it is seasonal. I was at the point where I was using the inhaler every day. I would say that I had some kind of upper airway distress almost every day between December 27 and April 10. Fingers crossed. In any event, that underscores why it is a good idea for me not to plan concerts during that period. And other than florid pieces like "Rejoice Greatly" I think it would be a good idea for me to stay away from singing anything with exposed high notes in public during that period.
I have the alto line in two solo quartets from the Missa Solemnis. I was disappointed not to be given the third (and in some ways the loveliest) solo part, which was given to a woman in the alto section with a pretty, small voice (sort of like a boy soprano). I suppose the choir director wanted that kind of sound at the very end (she is singing "Agnus Dei" which is the last thing we sing). I do love my solo quartets, particularly "Christe Eleison". And of course the new dramatic soprano is singing all the soprano solos. She sounds fabulous. Having her there doesn't get under my skin the way having "Little Miss" there did. Dramatic Sop is enough older (she is 30 or 31 and conducts herself like someone older) that I can sort of look at her as a mentor (if I feel like) not an irksome wunderkind. On the other hand, of course I am green with envy. There is nothing that assuages the heartache of wishing I could go back and do it over. 1964 would be a good place to start. Don't smoke, don't try to be "hip", ignore your mother pushing you to be "with it", and honor your talent.
In other (good) news, I finally heard back from the two places I had contacted about putting on a concert. One is someplace I have sung before. So I need to get back in my high dramatic mezzo groove. My teacher will be singing with me and we will probably sing the Anna Bolena duet. First up is the little mini concert in May where I will be singing the "Drinking Song" from Lucretia Borgia.
And on a totally unrelated topic, I may be a media spokesperson for events to do with the 50th anniversary of Stonewall.
Saturday, April 6, 2019
A Sad Shock, and Life Goes On
I just got a terrible, sad shock this past week. A friend (actually my partner's college roommate, who has known her since practically the year I was born - 1950) just found out that she has stomach cancer with only a few months to live. Everyone was just blindsided by this. I have had friends die of cancer (and I have friends who have survived cancer) but usually even the ones who eventually died had at least a year or more between diagnosis and death. This was especially shocking because this friend was very healthy for her age (84) and had only been in the hospital once in her life (other than to have children): to have a hip replacement a few years ago. And I am sure she went to doctors regularly. I am sad for everyone. For her, because she was such a vibrant, busy, productive person, and for her adult daughters, who are only forty-six and forty-nine, respectively, and for her three grandchildren, who are 13, 8, and 5. I was thinking that they are the "grandparentless" generation because they are the first generation I know whose mothers and grandmothers did not give birth until their late 30s or early 40s. My mother was 35 when I was born but her mother was only about 20 or 21 when she was born so I had grandparents until I was 28 or 31 (my grandmother died when I was 28 and my grandfather died when I was 31).
I have no idea if my friend wants social contact or not. I am assuming that she does not want phone calls. I find phone calls to be a nuisance generally because the person calling has no idea if it is a convenient time or not. She sent me an email with the news, I wrote back, trying to be as supportive as I could, and she wrote me a thank you. She hadn't wanted me to tell my partner (who has dementia) but I felt that I had to otherwise she would wonder why this friend hadn't called. I also called another friend and told her. I think I will write again to Abbie (my friend with cancer - not her real name) next week and just say I am thinking of her and that my partner sends her love. If she responds fine, if not not. I also thought I might send her an Easter card. My partner is well enough to sign it (she doesn't sign any official documents any more; I sign all those) and we always used to visit Abbie on Easter Sunday in the early 90s when she lived on Long Island. We would paint Easter eggs and she would make a big lunch. I think her younger daughter was still living at home.
I am also sad for selfish reasons. I had always assumed that Abbie would outlive my partner and that she could be helpful (even though about 5 years ago she moved across the continent) and supportive in some way. Abbie was the last person about whom I felt that in a dire emergency, I could call on at any hour of the day or night. There is no one left now. Possibly my friend in Massachusetts although she has not been well (she is younger than I am).
As far as singing news is concerned (it hardly seems to matter now) I was asked to sing the Schubert "Ave Maria" at the funeral of the mother of one of the men from the church. I was very flattered that he asked me. Being asked to sing is such an "up" for me. Singing because I've asked and been given is not as sweet as having been asked.
On Good Friday I am singing the alto solo line in the quartet in two selections from the Beethoven Missa Solemnis. I still don't know if I'm singing on Maundy Thursday, but I have something ready so it can wait until the last minute. If not I will probably sing on Trinity Sunday and in the summer. And I have a little mini concert with my teacher in mid-May. I am still working at following up with the two major venues that I hope to be able to sing in in the Fall.
Lastly, because I mentioned it in my last post, I got the biopsy results back about my partner's face, and what is there is not a squamous cell carcinoma. They called it an actinic keratosis and she is going to get it frozen off on the 30th.
I have no idea if my friend wants social contact or not. I am assuming that she does not want phone calls. I find phone calls to be a nuisance generally because the person calling has no idea if it is a convenient time or not. She sent me an email with the news, I wrote back, trying to be as supportive as I could, and she wrote me a thank you. She hadn't wanted me to tell my partner (who has dementia) but I felt that I had to otherwise she would wonder why this friend hadn't called. I also called another friend and told her. I think I will write again to Abbie (my friend with cancer - not her real name) next week and just say I am thinking of her and that my partner sends her love. If she responds fine, if not not. I also thought I might send her an Easter card. My partner is well enough to sign it (she doesn't sign any official documents any more; I sign all those) and we always used to visit Abbie on Easter Sunday in the early 90s when she lived on Long Island. We would paint Easter eggs and she would make a big lunch. I think her younger daughter was still living at home.
I am also sad for selfish reasons. I had always assumed that Abbie would outlive my partner and that she could be helpful (even though about 5 years ago she moved across the continent) and supportive in some way. Abbie was the last person about whom I felt that in a dire emergency, I could call on at any hour of the day or night. There is no one left now. Possibly my friend in Massachusetts although she has not been well (she is younger than I am).
As far as singing news is concerned (it hardly seems to matter now) I was asked to sing the Schubert "Ave Maria" at the funeral of the mother of one of the men from the church. I was very flattered that he asked me. Being asked to sing is such an "up" for me. Singing because I've asked and been given is not as sweet as having been asked.
On Good Friday I am singing the alto solo line in the quartet in two selections from the Beethoven Missa Solemnis. I still don't know if I'm singing on Maundy Thursday, but I have something ready so it can wait until the last minute. If not I will probably sing on Trinity Sunday and in the summer. And I have a little mini concert with my teacher in mid-May. I am still working at following up with the two major venues that I hope to be able to sing in in the Fall.
Lastly, because I mentioned it in my last post, I got the biopsy results back about my partner's face, and what is there is not a squamous cell carcinoma. They called it an actinic keratosis and she is going to get it frozen off on the 30th.
Friday, March 22, 2019
Catching Up
I see that I haven't written anything in about a month, which is because I have been busy with the writing contest. I have done well so far: just mining incidents in my life and turning them into essays. I love to read novels, but when I write, I seem to find it easier to spin out pithy essays that are a combination of memoir, humor, and social commentary. Like the OpEd pieces in the TIMES.
I have done well in this competition so far. It started out with 50 people and now there are 13 people left. They are going to drop 5 people on Sunday (our assignment was to write 5 pieces and the scores for those pieces will be averaged) so if I stay there will only be 8 left. The final 4 will get some kind of money prize. My goal was to be in the top 10, which I guess won't be a "thing" because 2 people dropped out of the top 15.
I do have some news about Good Friday. I am going to sing the alto line in the solo quartet in the "Christe Eleison" from the Beethoven Missa Solemnis and probably also in another piece that we haven't gotten yet. So I will focus on that. As for a solo on a festival day, I will probably either sing on Maundy Thursday again or on Trinity Sunday (June 16). And one Sunday in August when there is an "open sing" because there is no choir and no festival days. For Maundy Thursday I may sing one of the Florence Price spirituals - "Rise Mourner", and for Trinity Sunday I suggested the Mozart "Laudate Dominum", which I haven't sung in years, so it will be interesting to see how it sounds.
I am sounding better again because I have a new strategy for taking care of my respiratory problems. I went to get my annual physical and my doctor told me to use the asthma inhaler not just when I think I have asthma (I have the "cough variant" kind, not the wheezy life threatening kind) but also if my upper bronchial tubes feel full of mucus that I can't dislodge. I have found that this really helps. If my bronchial tubes are opened up, I can get rid of the mucus. It seems to be more reliable than Mucinex. I could really hear the difference Wednesday at my lesson and last night at choir rehearsal.
The annoying news, though, is I have not heard back from the two senior facilities that I contacted about performing. I will have to try calling, as the people did not answer my emails.
Lastly, one source of anxiety is that my partner has a squamous cell carcinoma on her face that needs removing. She had a biopsy last week. When the results come back she will need to have it removed. It is just an outpatient procedure (she had one removed from her chest two years ago) but it takes a whole day, and then she has to come back the next week to have the stitches removed. And as the only way she can travel is on a gurney in an ambulance, we can be in the doctor's office for over an hour after she's finished, waiting to be picked up. So I am going to draw a line in the sand and say that we can't do anything during Holy Week. If they can't do it the week of April 1 (and remove the stitches April 8) it will have to wait until after Easter. It is something that needs addressing, but it is not life threatening. It is just very stressful to have to juggle these two things, not to mention that she will be put into a new Medicaid managed care plan as of April 1, so all the players that we have to deal with will be different. And the last thing I need leading up to Holy Week is a lot of stress and time spent screaming on the phone.
I have done well in this competition so far. It started out with 50 people and now there are 13 people left. They are going to drop 5 people on Sunday (our assignment was to write 5 pieces and the scores for those pieces will be averaged) so if I stay there will only be 8 left. The final 4 will get some kind of money prize. My goal was to be in the top 10, which I guess won't be a "thing" because 2 people dropped out of the top 15.
I do have some news about Good Friday. I am going to sing the alto line in the solo quartet in the "Christe Eleison" from the Beethoven Missa Solemnis and probably also in another piece that we haven't gotten yet. So I will focus on that. As for a solo on a festival day, I will probably either sing on Maundy Thursday again or on Trinity Sunday (June 16). And one Sunday in August when there is an "open sing" because there is no choir and no festival days. For Maundy Thursday I may sing one of the Florence Price spirituals - "Rise Mourner", and for Trinity Sunday I suggested the Mozart "Laudate Dominum", which I haven't sung in years, so it will be interesting to see how it sounds.
I am sounding better again because I have a new strategy for taking care of my respiratory problems. I went to get my annual physical and my doctor told me to use the asthma inhaler not just when I think I have asthma (I have the "cough variant" kind, not the wheezy life threatening kind) but also if my upper bronchial tubes feel full of mucus that I can't dislodge. I have found that this really helps. If my bronchial tubes are opened up, I can get rid of the mucus. It seems to be more reliable than Mucinex. I could really hear the difference Wednesday at my lesson and last night at choir rehearsal.
The annoying news, though, is I have not heard back from the two senior facilities that I contacted about performing. I will have to try calling, as the people did not answer my emails.
Lastly, one source of anxiety is that my partner has a squamous cell carcinoma on her face that needs removing. She had a biopsy last week. When the results come back she will need to have it removed. It is just an outpatient procedure (she had one removed from her chest two years ago) but it takes a whole day, and then she has to come back the next week to have the stitches removed. And as the only way she can travel is on a gurney in an ambulance, we can be in the doctor's office for over an hour after she's finished, waiting to be picked up. So I am going to draw a line in the sand and say that we can't do anything during Holy Week. If they can't do it the week of April 1 (and remove the stitches April 8) it will have to wait until after Easter. It is something that needs addressing, but it is not life threatening. It is just very stressful to have to juggle these two things, not to mention that she will be put into a new Medicaid managed care plan as of April 1, so all the players that we have to deal with will be different. And the last thing I need leading up to Holy Week is a lot of stress and time spent screaming on the phone.
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Those Who Can Do; Those Who Can't Write
I certainly have always felt that way. The worse I feel about my singing (either from a technical standpoint or just in terms of where I fit in the bigger picture) the more blog posts I write.
Why am I feeling bad? I have been singing better and haven't had any more asthma attacks. The Bolena duet sounds good. I am learning the December Songs. I may even try to do something with Winterreise around my 70th birthday. I can start planning on my 69th. Thursday I will bite the bullet and ask the choir director if there are any "solo bits" on Good Friday. I don't expect anything as perfect as what I got last year. I would be happy with the alto line in a solo quartet or trio. I think what makes me nervous is that something has given me an inkling (our last writing assigment in a writing contest I am in was "inkling"; now I'm realizing I could have used the inkling I'm about to mention) that the choir director has been talking to the new dramatic soprano about Good Friday, which does not make me feel great. Even last year when he assigned me the solo I didn't know about it until we had been working on the music for several weeks as a group.
Certain people are always "triggers". Unfortunately, one of the women I "unfriended" on Facebook (or she unfriended me) because I said something about singers being self-involved, which she didn't like, is the friend of someone who is a dear friend of mine on Facebook. This dear friend is also a singer, but she is a good person and has been through a lot, and she was very helpful to me in choosing some lighter repertoire. (Of course part of me is sad that she has never said to me "You will really sing the daylights out of [fillintheblank with some impressive aria]" the way she has often said to Envy Trigger.)
Anyhow, Envy Trigger, who is probably in her late 30s, and has had her share of heartbreak and depression, nonetheless is now singing "big girl" opera roles here, there, and yonder (noplace stellar, and I don't know if any of it is for money) and I am not. I feel all that repertoire slipping away. I have a wider range than I ever had, but the stamina required to do that kind of singing continues to feel daunting. I can do it if "all the stars are in alignment", if not, not. I mean I can't second guess myself into the bottom of the alto section, the way a woman in my choir who is a few years older than I am has done. I'm sure she could sing more than she has been singing, but she has become so phobic (she also hasn't studied in years) that she now won't sing anything above an E and won't really sing solos anymore either. And on the few occasions when she's had a solo line she sounds very nervous. I won't let anything like that happen to me. Just because I blew that high A on a morning when I had an asthma attack doesn't spell doom. It was a one-off.
So I can sing sweet songs: Hoiby and Rorem and Maury Yeston. And a few arias here and there. I can still sing Rossini which flows trippingly off the tongue and doesn't seem to require the stamina needed to pack a punch at the end of, say, "Acerba Volutta".
I want so much to love my "small life" with my "small performance opportunities" and I pray for that willingness every day - but then there's Envy Trigger.
Why am I feeling bad? I have been singing better and haven't had any more asthma attacks. The Bolena duet sounds good. I am learning the December Songs. I may even try to do something with Winterreise around my 70th birthday. I can start planning on my 69th. Thursday I will bite the bullet and ask the choir director if there are any "solo bits" on Good Friday. I don't expect anything as perfect as what I got last year. I would be happy with the alto line in a solo quartet or trio. I think what makes me nervous is that something has given me an inkling (our last writing assigment in a writing contest I am in was "inkling"; now I'm realizing I could have used the inkling I'm about to mention) that the choir director has been talking to the new dramatic soprano about Good Friday, which does not make me feel great. Even last year when he assigned me the solo I didn't know about it until we had been working on the music for several weeks as a group.
Certain people are always "triggers". Unfortunately, one of the women I "unfriended" on Facebook (or she unfriended me) because I said something about singers being self-involved, which she didn't like, is the friend of someone who is a dear friend of mine on Facebook. This dear friend is also a singer, but she is a good person and has been through a lot, and she was very helpful to me in choosing some lighter repertoire. (Of course part of me is sad that she has never said to me "You will really sing the daylights out of [fillintheblank with some impressive aria]" the way she has often said to Envy Trigger.)
Anyhow, Envy Trigger, who is probably in her late 30s, and has had her share of heartbreak and depression, nonetheless is now singing "big girl" opera roles here, there, and yonder (noplace stellar, and I don't know if any of it is for money) and I am not. I feel all that repertoire slipping away. I have a wider range than I ever had, but the stamina required to do that kind of singing continues to feel daunting. I can do it if "all the stars are in alignment", if not, not. I mean I can't second guess myself into the bottom of the alto section, the way a woman in my choir who is a few years older than I am has done. I'm sure she could sing more than she has been singing, but she has become so phobic (she also hasn't studied in years) that she now won't sing anything above an E and won't really sing solos anymore either. And on the few occasions when she's had a solo line she sounds very nervous. I won't let anything like that happen to me. Just because I blew that high A on a morning when I had an asthma attack doesn't spell doom. It was a one-off.
So I can sing sweet songs: Hoiby and Rorem and Maury Yeston. And a few arias here and there. I can still sing Rossini which flows trippingly off the tongue and doesn't seem to require the stamina needed to pack a punch at the end of, say, "Acerba Volutta".
I want so much to love my "small life" with my "small performance opportunities" and I pray for that willingness every day - but then there's Envy Trigger.
Friday, January 25, 2019
The Ugly Dachshund Redux
I spent the first six or seven years in my choir feeling like The Ugly Dachshund. (For those who don't know, The Ugly Dachshund was first a book, then a movie - the book is better - about a Great Dane who thinks he is a Dachshund and therefore thinks he's ugly.)
Everything I sang was too loud; I was constantly nudged to want to sing alto (no! as I've written about on numerous occasions, singing in that limited range, which is mostly around my passaggio break, is at best unsatisfying and at worst useless as a vocal workout). I do sing alto in some of the masterworks (particularly Bach) where there are only two women's parts and the ranges of both are somewhat higher. Although there's still that hated "gap". By which I mean that choral soprano and alto parts are usually one fifth apart. As a mezzo, my voice is a third lower than a normal soprano's. Fortunately, somewhere along the line, the choir director started picking pieces with multiple women's parts so I found a home as a second soprano. It was perfect. I pretty much never had to sing a high A, but could sing lots of Es, Fs, and the occasional G, which is what I need to be doing to maintain vocal health. If I am not getting paid, singing in this choir needs to be a worthwhile and rewarding experience.
Even though as a child I imitated Julie Andrews (my first vocal solo was "Wouldn't It Be Loverly" in a school assembly when I was 6) once I grew up I never had that "float-y", shimmery, head-y sound that characterizes the soprano voice at its loveliest and most ethereal. When you think about it, neither does Julie Andrews. I heard a few clips of her singing coloratura arias as a teenager and her voice sounds a lot like Roberta Peters's: bell-like and wiry, but not ethereal, like, say, the voice of Natalie Dessay And then of course I started smoking. And like most New Yorkers, I speak entirely in my chest register. So it took years of study after I was "discovered" at 54 not just to extend my range upwards, but to liberate all that head voice. At lessons and at home I do a lot of singing on oo before I do anything else. The most scathing critiques I got about my singing during the early period (when I was going to auditions, between the ages of 56 and 60, let's say) was that I had very little head register and my voice sounded "locked". I also needed to clear out my sinuses which I did, finally, with the Neti pot. By 2014 or 2015 the way I sang had changed entirely. A fringe benefit was that not only was my operatic singing easier, I could also sing a choir soprano part in pure head voice, keeping the dynamic down sometimes as low as pp, without "getting off the voice".
During my "ugly Dachshund" period, I shed a lot of tears over comments from the choir director. I don't think he ever said anything nice about my singing unless I sang an alto solo. He didn't want me to sing "Rejoice Greatly". He thought I should transpose "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth" down. When I said no, he made me make a cut. I felt a lot of despair. I mean it's one thing to know I'm not singing well and quite another to feel that my voice is simply not to someone's taste so they will never like what I do, even when I do it well.
I am not going to re-hash here all the brouhaha about the singer I refer to as "Little Miss". That is ancient history and I think the whole thing was a learning experience; namely, that if you're leading a group, it's probably not a good idea to make a "fuss" over one person in public.
After that things went on fairly smoothly for a while.
So I was startled last night by the following. We had been singing a piece with multiple parts. Both of the soprano parts were fairly high (the first soprano part went up to a B with an optional C and the second soprano part went up to a G). The new dramatic soprano (whose voice is at least as big as mine if not bigger) was not there. There were two very light sopranos singing. After the rehearsal he went up to one of them (privately) and told her how wonderful she sounded. Since I overheard them, I kind of gave him a quizzical look and all he said to me was "I know that part is very high". I told him it was in a very comfortable range for me - I mean my part, the second soprano part, obviously. So he said "it just is meant to be light and sort of child-like". After that we had a nice talk, but it still stung. Feeling that one person was getting a compliment and I was getting (once again) some veiled criticism. I mean I doubt the new dramatic soprano can sound "childlike". Would he say something like that to her? I doubt it. He always goes up to her and thanks her for singing as if by singing she's doing him a favor. Which I guess she is. She has a lot of other vocal fish to fry.
I am actually surprised by how despondent I feel. Possibly, the pain of that disaster on December 30 is still with me although I know it was most likely caused by my having had an asthma attack, leading to a situation where my being short of breath for physical reasons (and also for feeling like all my vocal apparatus was inflamed) led to my panicking and ending up short of breath for psychological reasons.
I think partly the issue here is that the choir director is impressed by sopranos with float-y voices (even the new dramatic soprano sort of has one; her voice is big, but it's not "gritty" the way mine is). He also likes very young people. (The woman he complimented yesterday is in her 20s). It seems that the younger someone is the more likely he is to give them a compliment. If the person is female. He also likes low basses.
I don't want to feel sad. I was so happy thinking about my new plan to focus on nursing home concerts in an active way, not in a reactive way because I see it as the best I can do. I now have two serious "nibbles" about full-length concerts that I am going to follow up. Wednesday I had a lesson and we talked about concert repertoire. I ordered Yeston's December Songs. I am madly in love with them and can hardly wait to sing them.
Sitting here now I am crying, and want to kick myself.
ETA: It is now Sunday afternoon. The anthem went well. The dramatic soprano was not there. I nailed all the Gs sweetly enough not to elicit a raised eyebrow. As a point of gossip, "choir girl" (have no idea how I thought up that name for her) didn't sit with the choir because she brought a "guest" to the service. She has done that before, but the last time at least the guest was her Mom from out of town. Surprised that that didn't elicit a raised eyebrow.
Everything I sang was too loud; I was constantly nudged to want to sing alto (no! as I've written about on numerous occasions, singing in that limited range, which is mostly around my passaggio break, is at best unsatisfying and at worst useless as a vocal workout). I do sing alto in some of the masterworks (particularly Bach) where there are only two women's parts and the ranges of both are somewhat higher. Although there's still that hated "gap". By which I mean that choral soprano and alto parts are usually one fifth apart. As a mezzo, my voice is a third lower than a normal soprano's. Fortunately, somewhere along the line, the choir director started picking pieces with multiple women's parts so I found a home as a second soprano. It was perfect. I pretty much never had to sing a high A, but could sing lots of Es, Fs, and the occasional G, which is what I need to be doing to maintain vocal health. If I am not getting paid, singing in this choir needs to be a worthwhile and rewarding experience.
Even though as a child I imitated Julie Andrews (my first vocal solo was "Wouldn't It Be Loverly" in a school assembly when I was 6) once I grew up I never had that "float-y", shimmery, head-y sound that characterizes the soprano voice at its loveliest and most ethereal. When you think about it, neither does Julie Andrews. I heard a few clips of her singing coloratura arias as a teenager and her voice sounds a lot like Roberta Peters's: bell-like and wiry, but not ethereal, like, say, the voice of Natalie Dessay And then of course I started smoking. And like most New Yorkers, I speak entirely in my chest register. So it took years of study after I was "discovered" at 54 not just to extend my range upwards, but to liberate all that head voice. At lessons and at home I do a lot of singing on oo before I do anything else. The most scathing critiques I got about my singing during the early period (when I was going to auditions, between the ages of 56 and 60, let's say) was that I had very little head register and my voice sounded "locked". I also needed to clear out my sinuses which I did, finally, with the Neti pot. By 2014 or 2015 the way I sang had changed entirely. A fringe benefit was that not only was my operatic singing easier, I could also sing a choir soprano part in pure head voice, keeping the dynamic down sometimes as low as pp, without "getting off the voice".
During my "ugly Dachshund" period, I shed a lot of tears over comments from the choir director. I don't think he ever said anything nice about my singing unless I sang an alto solo. He didn't want me to sing "Rejoice Greatly". He thought I should transpose "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth" down. When I said no, he made me make a cut. I felt a lot of despair. I mean it's one thing to know I'm not singing well and quite another to feel that my voice is simply not to someone's taste so they will never like what I do, even when I do it well.
I am not going to re-hash here all the brouhaha about the singer I refer to as "Little Miss". That is ancient history and I think the whole thing was a learning experience; namely, that if you're leading a group, it's probably not a good idea to make a "fuss" over one person in public.
After that things went on fairly smoothly for a while.
So I was startled last night by the following. We had been singing a piece with multiple parts. Both of the soprano parts were fairly high (the first soprano part went up to a B with an optional C and the second soprano part went up to a G). The new dramatic soprano (whose voice is at least as big as mine if not bigger) was not there. There were two very light sopranos singing. After the rehearsal he went up to one of them (privately) and told her how wonderful she sounded. Since I overheard them, I kind of gave him a quizzical look and all he said to me was "I know that part is very high". I told him it was in a very comfortable range for me - I mean my part, the second soprano part, obviously. So he said "it just is meant to be light and sort of child-like". After that we had a nice talk, but it still stung. Feeling that one person was getting a compliment and I was getting (once again) some veiled criticism. I mean I doubt the new dramatic soprano can sound "childlike". Would he say something like that to her? I doubt it. He always goes up to her and thanks her for singing as if by singing she's doing him a favor. Which I guess she is. She has a lot of other vocal fish to fry.
I am actually surprised by how despondent I feel. Possibly, the pain of that disaster on December 30 is still with me although I know it was most likely caused by my having had an asthma attack, leading to a situation where my being short of breath for physical reasons (and also for feeling like all my vocal apparatus was inflamed) led to my panicking and ending up short of breath for psychological reasons.
I think partly the issue here is that the choir director is impressed by sopranos with float-y voices (even the new dramatic soprano sort of has one; her voice is big, but it's not "gritty" the way mine is). He also likes very young people. (The woman he complimented yesterday is in her 20s). It seems that the younger someone is the more likely he is to give them a compliment. If the person is female. He also likes low basses.
I don't want to feel sad. I was so happy thinking about my new plan to focus on nursing home concerts in an active way, not in a reactive way because I see it as the best I can do. I now have two serious "nibbles" about full-length concerts that I am going to follow up. Wednesday I had a lesson and we talked about concert repertoire. I ordered Yeston's December Songs. I am madly in love with them and can hardly wait to sing them.
Sitting here now I am crying, and want to kick myself.
ETA: It is now Sunday afternoon. The anthem went well. The dramatic soprano was not there. I nailed all the Gs sweetly enough not to elicit a raised eyebrow. As a point of gossip, "choir girl" (have no idea how I thought up that name for her) didn't sit with the choir because she brought a "guest" to the service. She has done that before, but the last time at least the guest was her Mom from out of town. Surprised that that didn't elicit a raised eyebrow.
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