Well, it is now almost that time of year again.
I don't make it a rule that I must make New Year's resolutions, but as I felt a great need for some house cleaning earlier in the year (which I have continued with), I want to strengthen my resolve.
Maybe it's because I have gone back to AA meetings, but I spent part of this year taking a look at some of my behavior to see what exactly it was that was making me so unhappy, and I saw that a lot of it had to do with a kind of voyeurism that I was engaging in a propos of other people who had the lives I wish I had. It was very hard to feel gratitude and self-acceptance if every single day I was reading blogs and status updates from working singers, actors, and so forth. Particularly ones who were articulate culture watchers. No matter what they were writing about, it stung, whether they were writing about me or not (most likely not).
Since my involvement with blogging (which followed closely on the heels of my involvement with singing), I have had two major showdowns with groups of people I envied, (and some minor ones along the way), which should have told me something. I simply don't need to be looking in these people's bedrooms or reading their polemics. I notice that I already have felt better about myself since I stopped doing this.
These people's lives are extremely unusual. So if I don't work outside the house, and don't have relatives, and spend the morning reading journals and blogs from seven working singers, one director, and three voice teachers, I am going to lose sight of that fact, and feel quite small. On the other hand if I find places to socialize that are full of secretaries, nurses, even bankers (I have never envied money per se), I have a much more realistic attitude about where I fit in the scheme of things. Even the fact that I practice an art form at all, and in fact practice it well enough that I have a handful of performance venues where I can do solo singing, even for no money, puts me ahead of the game. It means I am "artier" and more creative than your average 63 year old woman with a bachelor's degree, whose only contact with the arts may be as a spectator.
So my first resolution is to reaffirm that I am not going to read any more personal blogs or opinion pieces (or peruse online fora) frequented by these people. I still read some blogs by voice teachers, but these are about vocal technique, health, and repertoire, not about how Miss Kansas is ruining things for "real" opera singers or how amateurs must never never forget that we are not the real deal.
My second resolution is to continue all the work that I did with The Artists Way. This taught me to incorporate beauty and sensuality into every nook and cranny of my life. It did not tell me I had to do something creative for a living or else I was a failure. That if you do not "love what you do" you are worthless. And in fact, I need to reaffirm that
Yes, I do love what I do, I just don't love what I do for a living, and ny third resolution is that I need to stop hating myself because I can't find something else to do for a living. I have to accept that what I do does not feed my soul in any way, so I need to feed myself otherwise, while at the same time being grateful that I have some livelihood, considering that many people don't these days. Leaving aside the obvious, singing, I can cook, and decorate, organize my photographs, write, look around me when I am out. I already avoid left brain hobbies like the plague. I can't remember the last time I even looked at a crossword puzzle, for example.
It's interesting. Since I have stopped "competing" with working singers and hating myself, some things have fallen into my lap. I am going to sing (the "Habanera" and something else) at a cabaret musicale. This is on a Sunday afternoon which is just fine and dandy. If I skip a Sunday choir sing maybe someone will miss me and I will stop feeling taken for granted. I will be singing Nins' "Cant deis Aucells" on Epiphany for the Spanish service. And I am continuing to work on the scenes from Carmen for my spring concert. There is all sorts of singing I can do where I can use artistry and garner applause that doesn't involve the (in fact rather limited) world of auditions for these no pay opera groups and others, who obviously don't want me.
Although I don't really see myself as a musical theater singer, I have found a musical theater piece that I adore: "Moonfall" from The Mystery of Edwin Drood. It is dripping with seduction, a lot like "Mon Coeur" and is in an ideal range for my type voice. If I sing it, I won't sing it as Rosa Bud in the show, I will sing it as if I meant the words, which are quite delicious.
Another sign of personal growth. I couldn't in a million years see myself wanting to sing "Green Finch and Linnet Bird" now. However mired I am in eldercare, sometimes lovingly, sometimes not, I know I am not a caged bird. I can fly and sing!
Friday, December 27, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
This is What It's All About, After All
I haven't written much lately, because nothing much is happening, other than my preparing Carmen. I feel a bit guilty that I cancelled attending this evening's get-together with the coach who is helping me with this, but as it is not a rehearsal for a particular event, there is snow and ice on the ground, the rehearsal is after dark, and the wind chill is in the teens, which means any slush will turn to ice, I felt it was more important to stay safe. I am basically healthy and fit for someone my age, but I would describe myself as "orthopedically unstable" in that I have already had one fracture requiring surgery, one of my legs is shorter than the other, which means I don't have good balance, so I am a fall risk, and at my age with my history a fall could lead to another fracture which could mean another hospitalization or at least a lot of lost time from work if I couldn't type. I already walk with a cane when there's snow on the ground, and I try to avoid going out after dark if there's snow on the ground.
About a week ago, my partner said how much she missed caroling. Really, the only times she can leave the house (escorted or unescorted) is probably between 11 and 3, certainly at this time of the year. It's hard for her to get herself together in the morning, and she never is out after dark. So that rules out church services. They are either in the morning or the evening. So she said someone had suggested that she ask me to come with a hymnal and sing carols with her. She was very hesitant about asking; she asked would I "mind"? That almost broke my heart. Of course I wouldn't mind!! So Saturday we did a little caroling. She has COPD and has almost no voice at all, but she poured herself into it and it made her happy. Isn't that what it's all about?
Some friends of mine posted pictures of themselves on Facebook showing them caroling in groups (this was part of a photo exercise the church gave us: one word Advent devotionals where we posted a picture every day in response to a word prompt, and one of the words was "caroling".) The only picture I had was the Youtube video of me singing theWagner "Angel" so I reposted that. I suppose it wasn't very jolly. It had gotten a lot of "likes" (on Facebook - the Youtube like dislike feature had been disabled) originally but only got one this time.
This made me a bit wistful, and I thought of how much joy people have going caroling (I suppose some of our choir singing over this season would qualify there) and that there is a lot of joy to be had in life, and that I wished I were more open to it and less enamored of the spotlight, but I guess I am who I am. I seem to be feeling less bitter and envious. Although I think there are certain things that set me off, and they are not always what I think they will be. For example I don't care if someone else sings really well and gets recognition for that. There should be enough room in the universe (even the little universe of the church with its choir and soloists) for many talented people. I get put out if I feel the same people keep getting opportunities and there is no attempt made to make things equitable, or if there is a sense that there is some kind of exclusive club to which I don't belong. For example someone has turned up to sing "Rejoice Greatly" in one of the services and also sing with the sopranos (she sang with the sopranos on Good Friday). She is a member of the congregation and apparently used to do professional "church gigs" and sing with regional opera companies. But she is not snobby and cliquish (I would guess she is in her mid thirties) the way the man from the conservatory who is my age (the one with the rude wife) is. I have felt put out because every time some new young person from the conservatory turns up he gloms onto them and wants to know all about them, but has rarely even given me the time of day.
This past Sunday the pastor was preaching about Advent and said it is a time of waiting and expecting, and that for many people, expectations we have had are not met (I can say that again!) but that during this time of waiting perhaps we should let go of expectations and that maybe something will appear that will surprise us.
So maybe this journey that began with my singing "Mon Coeur" and getting hot under the collar over The Mentor will end not with my being a singing star, even a small one, but with my finding a family and meaningful life in this church, even though I am not a Baptised Christian.
But I'm not quite finished with Carmen.
About a week ago, my partner said how much she missed caroling. Really, the only times she can leave the house (escorted or unescorted) is probably between 11 and 3, certainly at this time of the year. It's hard for her to get herself together in the morning, and she never is out after dark. So that rules out church services. They are either in the morning or the evening. So she said someone had suggested that she ask me to come with a hymnal and sing carols with her. She was very hesitant about asking; she asked would I "mind"? That almost broke my heart. Of course I wouldn't mind!! So Saturday we did a little caroling. She has COPD and has almost no voice at all, but she poured herself into it and it made her happy. Isn't that what it's all about?
Some friends of mine posted pictures of themselves on Facebook showing them caroling in groups (this was part of a photo exercise the church gave us: one word Advent devotionals where we posted a picture every day in response to a word prompt, and one of the words was "caroling".) The only picture I had was the Youtube video of me singing theWagner "Angel" so I reposted that. I suppose it wasn't very jolly. It had gotten a lot of "likes" (on Facebook - the Youtube like dislike feature had been disabled) originally but only got one this time.
This made me a bit wistful, and I thought of how much joy people have going caroling (I suppose some of our choir singing over this season would qualify there) and that there is a lot of joy to be had in life, and that I wished I were more open to it and less enamored of the spotlight, but I guess I am who I am. I seem to be feeling less bitter and envious. Although I think there are certain things that set me off, and they are not always what I think they will be. For example I don't care if someone else sings really well and gets recognition for that. There should be enough room in the universe (even the little universe of the church with its choir and soloists) for many talented people. I get put out if I feel the same people keep getting opportunities and there is no attempt made to make things equitable, or if there is a sense that there is some kind of exclusive club to which I don't belong. For example someone has turned up to sing "Rejoice Greatly" in one of the services and also sing with the sopranos (she sang with the sopranos on Good Friday). She is a member of the congregation and apparently used to do professional "church gigs" and sing with regional opera companies. But she is not snobby and cliquish (I would guess she is in her mid thirties) the way the man from the conservatory who is my age (the one with the rude wife) is. I have felt put out because every time some new young person from the conservatory turns up he gloms onto them and wants to know all about them, but has rarely even given me the time of day.
This past Sunday the pastor was preaching about Advent and said it is a time of waiting and expecting, and that for many people, expectations we have had are not met (I can say that again!) but that during this time of waiting perhaps we should let go of expectations and that maybe something will appear that will surprise us.
So maybe this journey that began with my singing "Mon Coeur" and getting hot under the collar over The Mentor will end not with my being a singing star, even a small one, but with my finding a family and meaningful life in this church, even though I am not a Baptised Christian.
But I'm not quite finished with Carmen.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
More on Carmen
Plans for Carmen continue. The other tenor from the Met chorus has agreed to sing Don Jose, barring a paying performance on the same day, which he will know about far enough in advance. In any event, his commitment now means that I can set the date. I emailed my "sponsor" and she will get back to me regarding whether or not the room is available. I am very flattered that he sounds happy to sing with me and he also said he can find me a Micaela and an Escamillo. So we will be fleshing things out quite a bit. I said we don't need the comprimari singers because I was not planning to do the big ensembles.
Last night I went to a group coaching session with "sponsor". The other singers were not classical singers; she may have invited them because she is planning a cabaret/musicale in her apartment in January. She said I can sing the Habanera there. That will be fun. I also met someone who does dramatic readings, so I might ask her to read the scenes from the book.
This afternoon I stumbled upon a Youtube video of Peter Brook's Tragedie de Carmen. If I were younger and more nimble I would love to do that. I only got to listen to the beginning sections, but there are some interesting changes. As they only use the four principals, the fight scene is between Carmen and Micaela. Also Carmen is smoking. She does in some productions. That is what always tempts me. Not drinking.
Anyhow, here is a snippet
http://youtu.be/PhINJ5RTG5k
Tonight I am going early to choir practice to run through "Nun Wandre Maria".
Last night I went to a group coaching session with "sponsor". The other singers were not classical singers; she may have invited them because she is planning a cabaret/musicale in her apartment in January. She said I can sing the Habanera there. That will be fun. I also met someone who does dramatic readings, so I might ask her to read the scenes from the book.
This afternoon I stumbled upon a Youtube video of Peter Brook's Tragedie de Carmen. If I were younger and more nimble I would love to do that. I only got to listen to the beginning sections, but there are some interesting changes. As they only use the four principals, the fight scene is between Carmen and Micaela. Also Carmen is smoking. She does in some productions. That is what always tempts me. Not drinking.
Anyhow, here is a snippet
http://youtu.be/PhINJ5RTG5k
Tonight I am going early to choir practice to run through "Nun Wandre Maria".
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Some Nice Things (Musical and Otherwise)
I am going to be singing "Nun Wandre Maria" in the 9 am and the 11 am services on December 8, and "Cant deis Aucells" either on January 5 or the 12th.
The Spanish song coach is having three get up and sing get-togethers in December. I emailed her back and said I was available for two of them. The problem is if there are not enough people she will cancel, so it remains to be seen whether they will actually take place. If they do, I will sing both of the church pieces at the first one, and "Cant deis Aucells" and possibly the "Chanson Boheme" from Carmen at the second. There is no point in singing the Sequidilla. If I need help getting more secure with the B it is better to confine singing it to my lessons with my teacher (and my practice time at home).
The tenor from my Requiem wrote me a nice note saying he was not available to sing in the Carmen concert but that he might try to come. He is very nice, in addition to being a magnificent singer. So I wrote to the other tenor from the Met chorus, the one who was initially scheduled to be in the Requiem. If I don't hear back from him by Monday I will write again.
The Youtube Habanera now has 8 likes and 4 dislikes. Someone took down one of the dislikes (although did not change it to a like). The person who took it down must have been the initial "disliker" because I assume you can't change a vote on Youtube unless it's your own. My friend figured out how to use the like and dislike buttons and she told me she loved it.
As for nonmusical nice things, Thanksgiving is my and my partner's 37th anniversary, give or take some time apart. We are going to eat out tomorrow although I also made a dish of sweet potatoes and apples that we have every year. She made it for me (and the other guests) that first Thanksgiving and taught me how to make it (and how to cook, full stop). We also got an invitation for Christmas Day to someone's house. Since my mother died we have not been to anyone's house on Christmas Day, only to a restaurant. I told the hostess that we could not afford to buy presents for anyone and that in fact we had not bought presents for anyone (including each other) since I left my last full time job. This is perfectly ok with me. (And she said it was fine with her because she never knew what to get people.) Unless you have children, I think this is a wasteful way to spend money, especially if people buy expensive "surprises" for people that the recipients don't like and don't want, which happens more often than not, hence all the tacky jokes.
The Spanish song coach is having three get up and sing get-togethers in December. I emailed her back and said I was available for two of them. The problem is if there are not enough people she will cancel, so it remains to be seen whether they will actually take place. If they do, I will sing both of the church pieces at the first one, and "Cant deis Aucells" and possibly the "Chanson Boheme" from Carmen at the second. There is no point in singing the Sequidilla. If I need help getting more secure with the B it is better to confine singing it to my lessons with my teacher (and my practice time at home).
The tenor from my Requiem wrote me a nice note saying he was not available to sing in the Carmen concert but that he might try to come. He is very nice, in addition to being a magnificent singer. So I wrote to the other tenor from the Met chorus, the one who was initially scheduled to be in the Requiem. If I don't hear back from him by Monday I will write again.
The Youtube Habanera now has 8 likes and 4 dislikes. Someone took down one of the dislikes (although did not change it to a like). The person who took it down must have been the initial "disliker" because I assume you can't change a vote on Youtube unless it's your own. My friend figured out how to use the like and dislike buttons and she told me she loved it.
As for nonmusical nice things, Thanksgiving is my and my partner's 37th anniversary, give or take some time apart. We are going to eat out tomorrow although I also made a dish of sweet potatoes and apples that we have every year. She made it for me (and the other guests) that first Thanksgiving and taught me how to make it (and how to cook, full stop). We also got an invitation for Christmas Day to someone's house. Since my mother died we have not been to anyone's house on Christmas Day, only to a restaurant. I told the hostess that we could not afford to buy presents for anyone and that in fact we had not bought presents for anyone (including each other) since I left my last full time job. This is perfectly ok with me. (And she said it was fine with her because she never knew what to get people.) Unless you have children, I think this is a wasteful way to spend money, especially if people buy expensive "surprises" for people that the recipients don't like and don't want, which happens more often than not, hence all the tacky jokes.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
The Bitter and the Sweet (Third Time Around)
I guess there are only so many titles one can give a blog post...
For the sweet (always start with something positive):
1. I took my first step toward the Carmen concert. I wrote to the tenor who was in my Requiem. I have not heard back from him but I know he is very busy and he may be checking his schedule or trying to decide if this is something worth doing for free. If he doesn't want to or is not available, I won't get upset, as long as he doesn't say something unkind, which I doubt he would. If I don't hear from him by the Sunday after Thanksgiving I will write to him again (or I will write sooner if my "sponsor" asks me if I have decided on a date).
2. The accompanist and the pastor from the Spanish service both like the Nin song ("Cant deis Aucells") so I will be singing it if not on Epiphany itself (the accompanist may not be available that day) then on the following Sunday.
3. The choir director said he would try to find a spot for "Nun Wandre Maria" during Advent (he seems to like the song itself).
4. I keep sounding better and better, and have surprised myself with how good some of the top notes sound, including the C, although I would not sing that in public.
5. A propos of 4, I can really tell how much better I sound at choir rehearsals, where I can segue from singing pianissimo high Gs in the pieces where I sing soprano to singing chesty middle Cs and Ds in the piece where I'm singing alto. And I no longer get tired.
For the bitter:
1. The woman I now refer to as "sponsor" decided not to have a holiday concert. That is upsetting to me because not only would I have liked to sing in it, but also because it would have been something I could have used as "leverage" with the choir, so I am not seen as someone always available, but as someone who might get a better offer from time to time.
2. My "Habanera" got another "dislike" so it is now up to 6 likes and 5 dislikes. Here is why it bothers me particularly. For a while it got a lot views both because of all the brouhaha about the store using me instead of a professional, and because I mistakenly thought that someone had written something unkind about it. It also got a lot of views because it was embedded in several publishing 'zines. But after that activity more or less died down. Yesterday I forwarded it to a friend, and asked her to "like" it if she liked it, and it was after that that the other "dislike" showed up. I think it's extremely unlikely that this person would have been the "disliker", as she is not a singer and the one time she came to a concert of mine she was impressed. Also, as she is a personal friend, I just can't see her doing that. So I'm wondering. When I put it on my Facebook page it got a lot of Facebook style "likes" but those are not Youtube "likes" (I can't believe I'm writing all this; it's so twenty-first century!!). Anyhow I am not self-referential enough to re-circulate it on Facebook, but I did ask my teacher to "like" it (I re-sent it to him). So we will see if he does.
3. I asked my teacher about the woman who sang Ulrica in the production that I was rejected for, and he said he thought there were two issues. First, that her middle and lower register were bigger than mine, and second, that she is a "package" and that that is what people are looking for now. What he means by that (I have heard him use that expression before) is that she is young (probably mid to late 30s) and that that is what the directors of these no pay companies want, even for older roles, and looks good, sounds good, and has experience. What bothers me so so much isn't that I don't sound as good as this or that person, and that therefore they got a role and I didn't, but that these obstacles seem insurmountable. I can improve my vocal technique, stamina, musicianship, and language skills, but I simply will never be competitive with people 30 years younger with conservatory degrees and internships on their CVs. I think what bothers me the most about this is that these people have flooded the lowest tier of volunteer (even pay to sing!!!) opera groups so there is simply no place for people like me. I wouldn't care if I wasn't good enough for the A level groups and had to sing with the D level groups, but I'm not even good enough for those. Well, as my therapist (and in another context, this "sponsor") said, if I can't get into something through the front door, I can get in through the back door (since I'm not looking for a fee). If I'm not good enough for the pay to singthrough Carmen I can do my own thing with readings from the book.
I will post more about Carmen as things evolve.
ETA: I got one more "like" for the Habanera video, probably my teacher (he had listened to it before, but probably didn't hit the "like" button). I heard back from the friend saying she never received the video, so I re-sent it.
For the sweet (always start with something positive):
1. I took my first step toward the Carmen concert. I wrote to the tenor who was in my Requiem. I have not heard back from him but I know he is very busy and he may be checking his schedule or trying to decide if this is something worth doing for free. If he doesn't want to or is not available, I won't get upset, as long as he doesn't say something unkind, which I doubt he would. If I don't hear from him by the Sunday after Thanksgiving I will write to him again (or I will write sooner if my "sponsor" asks me if I have decided on a date).
2. The accompanist and the pastor from the Spanish service both like the Nin song ("Cant deis Aucells") so I will be singing it if not on Epiphany itself (the accompanist may not be available that day) then on the following Sunday.
3. The choir director said he would try to find a spot for "Nun Wandre Maria" during Advent (he seems to like the song itself).
4. I keep sounding better and better, and have surprised myself with how good some of the top notes sound, including the C, although I would not sing that in public.
5. A propos of 4, I can really tell how much better I sound at choir rehearsals, where I can segue from singing pianissimo high Gs in the pieces where I sing soprano to singing chesty middle Cs and Ds in the piece where I'm singing alto. And I no longer get tired.
For the bitter:
1. The woman I now refer to as "sponsor" decided not to have a holiday concert. That is upsetting to me because not only would I have liked to sing in it, but also because it would have been something I could have used as "leverage" with the choir, so I am not seen as someone always available, but as someone who might get a better offer from time to time.
2. My "Habanera" got another "dislike" so it is now up to 6 likes and 5 dislikes. Here is why it bothers me particularly. For a while it got a lot views both because of all the brouhaha about the store using me instead of a professional, and because I mistakenly thought that someone had written something unkind about it. It also got a lot of views because it was embedded in several publishing 'zines. But after that activity more or less died down. Yesterday I forwarded it to a friend, and asked her to "like" it if she liked it, and it was after that that the other "dislike" showed up. I think it's extremely unlikely that this person would have been the "disliker", as she is not a singer and the one time she came to a concert of mine she was impressed. Also, as she is a personal friend, I just can't see her doing that. So I'm wondering. When I put it on my Facebook page it got a lot of Facebook style "likes" but those are not Youtube "likes" (I can't believe I'm writing all this; it's so twenty-first century!!). Anyhow I am not self-referential enough to re-circulate it on Facebook, but I did ask my teacher to "like" it (I re-sent it to him). So we will see if he does.
3. I asked my teacher about the woman who sang Ulrica in the production that I was rejected for, and he said he thought there were two issues. First, that her middle and lower register were bigger than mine, and second, that she is a "package" and that that is what people are looking for now. What he means by that (I have heard him use that expression before) is that she is young (probably mid to late 30s) and that that is what the directors of these no pay companies want, even for older roles, and looks good, sounds good, and has experience. What bothers me so so much isn't that I don't sound as good as this or that person, and that therefore they got a role and I didn't, but that these obstacles seem insurmountable. I can improve my vocal technique, stamina, musicianship, and language skills, but I simply will never be competitive with people 30 years younger with conservatory degrees and internships on their CVs. I think what bothers me the most about this is that these people have flooded the lowest tier of volunteer (even pay to sing!!!) opera groups so there is simply no place for people like me. I wouldn't care if I wasn't good enough for the A level groups and had to sing with the D level groups, but I'm not even good enough for those. Well, as my therapist (and in another context, this "sponsor") said, if I can't get into something through the front door, I can get in through the back door (since I'm not looking for a fee). If I'm not good enough for the pay to singthrough Carmen I can do my own thing with readings from the book.
I will post more about Carmen as things evolve.
ETA: I got one more "like" for the Habanera video, probably my teacher (he had listened to it before, but probably didn't hit the "like" button). I heard back from the friend saying she never received the video, so I re-sent it.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
A Heartfelt and Unexpected Compliment
I am really beginning to think that maybe things have turned a corner.
Over the past few years I have been deeply discouraged, first by realizing that no matter how well I sing, I will never be good enough to be cast by other people in a leading role in one of the no pay opera groups around here. That was a huge blow.
Second, I have not liked the feeling of being pushed into the background by the presence of (as distinct from being pushed into the background by) these young conservatory graduates and students who have taken the choir by storm.
My spirits began to be lifted by the Spanish woman who seems to have taken an interest in me. As a contrast, I don't really think my teacher is "interested in me" in that sense. He is interested in seeing that I sing as well as possible, and he is happy that I seem to be able to create opportunities for myself to sing in front of audiences, and if I ask him for advice he will give it, but if he needs a mezzo to do something, for example, he can always find someone better.
As I wrote a few days ago, I am really really excited not only that this woman is letting me do this Carmen concert, but that she, to some extent, want to take joint ownership of it.
As for the title of this post, I got an email from one of the women in the choir, another mezzo, who had had a minor career singing opera and choir gigs, who claims to have lost her upper register when she got into her 60s, and who now sings alto in the choir. She has always been very supportive of me, which I need to remember, as she is a conservatory graduate, and unlike the man who hurt my feelings, she seems to take me seriously.
She is also on the stewardship committee, so I'm sure a subtext of the lovely email she sent me is that she wants me to remember to donate some money to the church (which I have done for the past few years despite not being a baptised Christian; I do it because I care about their social outreach programs), but nonetheless she did write the following things, and I'm sure she meant them.
In the spirit of our theme, "delighting in God's gifts", I'm enjoying thinking about ways you give of yourself to [the church] and, thereby, to all of us. Of course, your singing in the chorale leaps to my mind first, and your beautiful solos during services. But then there are also the concerts on and off [the church] premises so many of us have enjoyed, and the benefit performances of the kind of music only serious singers, like you and your colleagues, can do. I know you have volunteered in other ways too (like helping [an elderly man in the congregation]), and your very presence is enlivening. . So for this and much more I'm sure I've forgotten for the moment (or don't even know about), a very big thank you
So it's really really nice to know that someone notices that I'm there, even when I think they don't.
Over the past few years I have been deeply discouraged, first by realizing that no matter how well I sing, I will never be good enough to be cast by other people in a leading role in one of the no pay opera groups around here. That was a huge blow.
Second, I have not liked the feeling of being pushed into the background by the presence of (as distinct from being pushed into the background by) these young conservatory graduates and students who have taken the choir by storm.
My spirits began to be lifted by the Spanish woman who seems to have taken an interest in me. As a contrast, I don't really think my teacher is "interested in me" in that sense. He is interested in seeing that I sing as well as possible, and he is happy that I seem to be able to create opportunities for myself to sing in front of audiences, and if I ask him for advice he will give it, but if he needs a mezzo to do something, for example, he can always find someone better.
As I wrote a few days ago, I am really really excited not only that this woman is letting me do this Carmen concert, but that she, to some extent, want to take joint ownership of it.
As for the title of this post, I got an email from one of the women in the choir, another mezzo, who had had a minor career singing opera and choir gigs, who claims to have lost her upper register when she got into her 60s, and who now sings alto in the choir. She has always been very supportive of me, which I need to remember, as she is a conservatory graduate, and unlike the man who hurt my feelings, she seems to take me seriously.
She is also on the stewardship committee, so I'm sure a subtext of the lovely email she sent me is that she wants me to remember to donate some money to the church (which I have done for the past few years despite not being a baptised Christian; I do it because I care about their social outreach programs), but nonetheless she did write the following things, and I'm sure she meant them.
In the spirit of our theme, "delighting in God's gifts", I'm enjoying thinking about ways you give of yourself to [the church] and, thereby, to all of us. Of course, your singing in the chorale leaps to my mind first, and your beautiful solos during services. But then there are also the concerts on and off [the church] premises so many of us have enjoyed, and the benefit performances of the kind of music only serious singers, like you and your colleagues, can do. I know you have volunteered in other ways too (like helping [an elderly man in the congregation]), and your very presence is enlivening. . So for this and much more I'm sure I've forgotten for the moment (or don't even know about), a very big thank you
So it's really really nice to know that someone notices that I'm there, even when I think they don't.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Personal Growth
I need to be working, but I wanted to document the personal growth I exhibited today.
Quite by accident (well, no; that's a bit disingenuous) I stumbled upon a blog post from one of the blowhards whose writing made me feel angry and self-deprecating. I took her off my blog reading list, but a voice teacher whose blog I do read, whose studio is one of the pages I have "liked" on Facebook, reposted something from the blowhard, so, yes, I read it.
There has been a lot of uproar lately about all the "child prodigy" opera singers, who, apparently, are singing Puccini on Youtube. I don't listen to these things because I'm too busy, and if I'm going to listen to something on Youtube I want it to be something that I can learn from (for example a rendition of a song or aria that I am working on). I agree that they are probably ruining their voices, not to mention their psyches, by doing this, but as for thinking that they are damaging Art, with a capital "A", I am not that arrogant.
The post by the blowhard was a recycling of her favorite themesong: that she is the real deal, and these imitators (whether they're teens, beauty contestants, or hobbyists with other day jobs) are not. Hers was not the first diatribe I had seen about these "prodigies". What differentiated it was that it was used as an opportunity to engage in another bragfest about herself. In addition to railing about the "prodigies" she also went into an elaborate riff on all the things she is not good at (sewing)/sort of good at, but O!M!G! not a professional!! (cooking)/superb at (singing opera).
OK, I effing got it!! I am not as good an opera singer as Miss Blowhard. OK OK OK OK I get the point!! (Now I want to say here, lest I am accused of being paranoid, that I don't think she was talking about me, although I saw myself in relation to opera singer as she sees herself in relation to chef.)
But why does she constantly have to belabor this point again and again? What I said before is that people who are happy with themselves don't engage in this type of rant; they are too busy doing what they're good at.
I earn my living editing. There are bad editors, and people who call themselves "word people" who don't know the difference between a pronoun that's meant to be the subject of a sentence and one that's meant to be the object of a sentence. (A woman I know posted on Facebook that she is a "grammar fanatic" and then went on to say "there are certain errors that amuse my boyfriend and I" Huh??? At first I thought she might have written that tongue in cheek but on second reading I decided she hadn't.) Do I spend my time getting my "knickers in a twist" over such things? No.
I will have to admit that I got angrier over reading that blog post than I would have liked to. Whereas the world would probably be a better place without phony child opera stars, I don't know if it would be a better place without hard working amateur performers who will never be as good as the professionals who have studied all their lives but who still would like our afternoon in the sun, performing music we love in front of an audience, without constantly being reminded of our inferiority; or that we are somehow damaging Art if a random audience can't tell the difference between, say, me and Miss Blowhard.
But I am proud of myself that I did not let this ruin my day, or my excitement about planning my Carmen concert event.
I read, I felt sick to my stomach, I made a Facebook post, and then I went back to working on perfecting my pronunciation of the Catalan dialect I will be singing in "El Cant dels Aucells". And I sang through it twice with my little keyboard, which is near my front door. And then I pulled out my German dictionary to translate "Nun Wandre Maria".
Quite by accident (well, no; that's a bit disingenuous) I stumbled upon a blog post from one of the blowhards whose writing made me feel angry and self-deprecating. I took her off my blog reading list, but a voice teacher whose blog I do read, whose studio is one of the pages I have "liked" on Facebook, reposted something from the blowhard, so, yes, I read it.
There has been a lot of uproar lately about all the "child prodigy" opera singers, who, apparently, are singing Puccini on Youtube. I don't listen to these things because I'm too busy, and if I'm going to listen to something on Youtube I want it to be something that I can learn from (for example a rendition of a song or aria that I am working on). I agree that they are probably ruining their voices, not to mention their psyches, by doing this, but as for thinking that they are damaging Art, with a capital "A", I am not that arrogant.
The post by the blowhard was a recycling of her favorite themesong: that she is the real deal, and these imitators (whether they're teens, beauty contestants, or hobbyists with other day jobs) are not. Hers was not the first diatribe I had seen about these "prodigies". What differentiated it was that it was used as an opportunity to engage in another bragfest about herself. In addition to railing about the "prodigies" she also went into an elaborate riff on all the things she is not good at (sewing)/sort of good at, but O!M!G! not a professional!! (cooking)/superb at (singing opera).
OK, I effing got it!! I am not as good an opera singer as Miss Blowhard. OK OK OK OK I get the point!! (Now I want to say here, lest I am accused of being paranoid, that I don't think she was talking about me, although I saw myself in relation to opera singer as she sees herself in relation to chef.)
But why does she constantly have to belabor this point again and again? What I said before is that people who are happy with themselves don't engage in this type of rant; they are too busy doing what they're good at.
I earn my living editing. There are bad editors, and people who call themselves "word people" who don't know the difference between a pronoun that's meant to be the subject of a sentence and one that's meant to be the object of a sentence. (A woman I know posted on Facebook that she is a "grammar fanatic" and then went on to say "there are certain errors that amuse my boyfriend and I" Huh??? At first I thought she might have written that tongue in cheek but on second reading I decided she hadn't.) Do I spend my time getting my "knickers in a twist" over such things? No.
I will have to admit that I got angrier over reading that blog post than I would have liked to. Whereas the world would probably be a better place without phony child opera stars, I don't know if it would be a better place without hard working amateur performers who will never be as good as the professionals who have studied all their lives but who still would like our afternoon in the sun, performing music we love in front of an audience, without constantly being reminded of our inferiority; or that we are somehow damaging Art if a random audience can't tell the difference between, say, me and Miss Blowhard.
But I am proud of myself that I did not let this ruin my day, or my excitement about planning my Carmen concert event.
I read, I felt sick to my stomach, I made a Facebook post, and then I went back to working on perfecting my pronunciation of the Catalan dialect I will be singing in "El Cant dels Aucells". And I sang through it twice with my little keyboard, which is near my front door. And then I pulled out my German dictionary to translate "Nun Wandre Maria".
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