I never got a chance to post anything about my second concert, which went really well (I think I sang better than the first time) because the next day my partner appeared listless and complained of a bellyache so I had to rush her to the ER. It turned out she had what could have been a life-threatening bowel blockage. Then just when it seemed as if she was going to go home, she developed C. difficile.
All together, she was in the hospital for 9 days. My number one priority was being with her so I didn't get much work done. I did get a little practicing done but really wasn't focusing on singing.
Since she's been back, for whatever reason, I have missed my 5-6 practice time. There is actually no reason why that should be my practice time, other than that because I am used to working in an office, if I am home any part of 9 to 5, I use those hours to do the editing that I do for a living. Tuesday I missed my practice time to watch the election!!
Amazingly, my voice is still there (Wednesday I had a lesson), but I really need to get back in the saddle. Yesterday (Thursday) I missed choir rehearsal and spent the whole day in such a nonstop state of stress that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. First I went around the block five or six times with my case manager and an attorney to find out if my partner's Medicaid had been renewed, then I spent an hour trying to find out where our ambulance was (to take her to a follow-up appointment) only to be put on hold for a total of 30 minutes. Skipping choir practice was planned as I didn't know what time I would be back to the Upper West Side after bringing my partner home from the appointment (I got home at 7:30, which is when rehearsal starts, and as it takes 20 minutes for me to get there and at least 15 for me to warm up, not to mention that I was sweaty and needed to organize some things at home so I would not have made it there even if I were in any shape to sing which I probably was not).
It seems lately I have been practicing every three days (and some of these times are just warming up for choir, but I guess that's enough if I warm up at least to a B flat).
Part of the problem, of course, is that I have no date on my calendar. I don't schedule concerts between Thanksgiving and Easter partly because of all the singing that's going on at the church, but mostly because I don't want to plan anything major during the season when it might snow. The number one way in which age has affected my physical well-being is that I feel unsafe in the snow, even with a cane. Other than church and choir practice, any other commitment is up for rescheduling during those months. So right now I've got my eye on December 30. I have sung on that Sunday (last year it was the 31st and the year before it was January 1) for the past two years, but I won't know anything until I get the Advent/Christmas choir schedule and touch base with the Music Director about scheduling. If someone else wants that date they should have it because I've had two "turns", on the other hand, half of the choir goes "home" for Christmas so there might not be any other takers, other than a man who likes to sing at the early service (he sang at 9 last year when I sang at 11). I pulled out the Lauridsen "O Magnum Mysterium", which I sang three years ago some time in December, and have found a new song by Wolf, called "Schlafendes Jesuskind" that might be appropriate. It would have been a "no" four or five years ago because it has an A flat in it (the previous Music Director didn't like "heavy voices singing in that range") but now it should be fine, with my new level of confidence and my slighly higher "sweet spot". I will listen to a Youtube of it and see what I think. And of course there's always "Rejoice", which is my favorite thing to sing in the whole world. You know, it's one of those pieces that sounds difficult (and it also sounds high) to other people but it is actually not (high) and it has always been very easy for me to sing.
For another time, I found a song by Alma Mahler called "In meines Vaters Garten" which I really like. I brought it to my lesson on Wednesday and my teacher said he liked it. He said it reminded him of the Wesendonck Lieder (I guess I could also sing "Angel" in church but that's more suitable for Advent) and that because it's "tuneful" I could probably add it to a recital program.
So now I just need to get back to my practice routine. I should be able to practice Monday. Tuesday probably not because I may have to sleep over at my partner's if her podiatrist is coming Wednesday morning. If he's coming Wednesday afternoon (I won't know that until Tuesday) I can practice Tuesday as well. If I don't get to practice Tuesday I will pass on a neighborhood meeting I had penciled in for Wednesday evening and practice instead.
And I can't lose heart. Last night (when I was already exhaused and feeling emotionally drained), I "re-encountered" one of the people on Facebook I had unfriended (or maybe she unfriended me) because the envy I felt for her led me to say something that she didn't like (that singers were self-absorbed maybe? well, they are! particularly if they don't have children or some other responsibility that's more important to them than flaunting head shots and photos of themselves in gowns). Anyhow, that put my self-esteem back in the basement, somewhere it has not been for a while.
No matter how old and wise (?) I get, it never stops being painful to be surrounded by people who are doing in real life what I imagine myself doing, wished I were doing, can do a tiny bit of, and will never do a lot of no matter how hard I work (which isn't an excuse to stop working by the way).
We were having a conversation about neighbors and I was realizing that having a building full of people who go to the Met all the time (it's around the corner) including one who's a music critic with a wife who majored in voice at Manhattan School of Music who even though she doesn't sing any more has the snobbish attitude of 99% of the conservatory graduates I've ever met, nobody gives a damn if I sing because I'm so nothing.
I just can't think about that. I can't lose heart. A friend told me that someone told her that if I sing I'm a singer, and if more than 50% of what I sing is operatic, I'm an opera singer, and all the "snitterati" on the Forum can't take that away from me.
Showing posts with label Repertoire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Repertoire. Show all posts
Friday, November 9, 2018
Saturday, October 6, 2018
A Good Concert
All in all, today's concert went well. The Bolena duet went very well, and that is what I always worry about because it's in a high tessitura and requires a lot of stamina. I thought I used too much chest in the Gioconda duet but when I asked my teacher (and his wife) they said no. I also thought "Mon Coeur" sounded (or felt) labored but it probably didn't sound that way to the audience. I may work on both those early this week. Normally in my practice sessions I have only been singing the Bolena.
The only critical feedback I got from my teacher was he said sometimes I was singing too softly. This again was a room with a low ceiling, which can muffle the sound.
There was a small kerfuffle when we got there because apparently the space had been double booked (with a pianist and two singers, who were doing Mozart) but we were able to work things out by having them use the salon room upstairs. That is a lovely room, just not as large as the room where I was singing.
Also, a few people told me I shouldn't sing "Home Sweet Home" to end nursing home concerts because the people may feel sad that they are not "home". In the past, this thought briefly crossed my mind, but I never really thought about it again because no one has ever seemed upset when I've sung that. I talked about it with my teacher and he said maybe in the future (not for the concert in two weeks, because we have that all mapped out and are not doing additional rehearsals) we can sing "When You Walk Through a Storm" as a duet.
And a woman I used to work with came and brought me flowers. I so love getting flowers and people rarely think of it. She also said she might see about having me sing at a nursing home in Queens where her mother was. I said that would be good in May or June.
The only critical feedback I got from my teacher was he said sometimes I was singing too softly. This again was a room with a low ceiling, which can muffle the sound.
There was a small kerfuffle when we got there because apparently the space had been double booked (with a pianist and two singers, who were doing Mozart) but we were able to work things out by having them use the salon room upstairs. That is a lovely room, just not as large as the room where I was singing.
Also, a few people told me I shouldn't sing "Home Sweet Home" to end nursing home concerts because the people may feel sad that they are not "home". In the past, this thought briefly crossed my mind, but I never really thought about it again because no one has ever seemed upset when I've sung that. I talked about it with my teacher and he said maybe in the future (not for the concert in two weeks, because we have that all mapped out and are not doing additional rehearsals) we can sing "When You Walk Through a Storm" as a duet.
And a woman I used to work with came and brought me flowers. I so love getting flowers and people rarely think of it. She also said she might see about having me sing at a nursing home in Queens where her mother was. I said that would be good in May or June.
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
The Bitter and the Sweet (Fall 2018 Edition)
I guess life is "the bitter and the sweet", hence my repeated use of this post title.
First the bitter (because I'm writing about events in chronological order).
Sunday afternoon I went to an anniversary service for my church's former pastor (the tall, drop dead gorgeous blonde) at her new church, and guess who was singing? Little Miss. I was in shock. I had expected maybe a soloist from my pastor's new church, or their choir, but no, there was Little Miss and her violinist boyfriend (whom I always had a great relationship with; he used to accompany me for solos with violin, like the Bach "Laudamus te").
I guess Pastor had invited them. And I suppose one reason was that she got a "twofer".
In all honesty, I can't say that I was upset that she didn't ask me, why should she.
I think I was upset because Little Miss represents everything I wish I'd had, wish I had, wish I'd done, and wish I'd been (or still was). First of all she's young and on an upward trajectory. She has been performing (not singing classical music, but singing) since she was in middle school. She's been disciplined, admired, curated, what you will, since then. Of course she put in the work. I will never say she got something for nothing. But it's often a feedback loop. You do well, people encourage you, you do better. You make friends and colleagues among those who do what you do, and that follows you into the future.
Now if you were to ask me if I think Little Miss will have a brilliant career and the world's greatest opera houses, I will probably say no. She is a generic lyric soprano. Where she is unusual, is/was in exhibiting such technical vocal perfection at such a young age. She sang the soprano solo in the Brahms Requiem five years ago, at the age of 20, in a totally flawless way, just sitting in a choir chair in a pair of jeans and tossing it off. She belts, she acts, she sings musical theater, she sings contemporary music. Probably if the New York City Opera were like it had been in the 60s, she could probably land a spot there. She has a "feel" for new music and opera in English that's a little bit like musical theater. And of course she has mentors. A famous voice teacher from a famous conservatory, a CV containing master classes and summer programs, and her boyfriend, who was a child prodigy with his own Wikipedia page and who has his finger in every possible kind of musical and theatrical pie.
Now I need to add here, as I have said before, that Little Miss is neither conceited nor Prima Donna-ish. She just is. She excels, she enjoys it, people gush, and she enjoys that, in a sort of innocent childlike way.
At the celebration on Sunday when I went to the party afterwards to give my regards to Pastor, I ran into Boyfriend and we chatted and then he mentioned that Little Miss was there and wanted to say "hello". So I did. I'm sure she was genuinely happy to see me.
So I ended up in a funk for the next day. There aren't enough hours in the day for me to give myself the kind of polish you get in a conservatory when you spend 8 years there and don't have anything else to worry about.
So on to the next thing. The Sweet. We had our last rehearsal for our recital and it went well. Really the only difficult thing I have to sing is the Bolena duet and it is going well. Not to jinx myself, but these days I seem to be able to confidently hold onto a high A for 8 counts without choking or panicking as easily as I used to be able to hold onto an F.
And when I was on my way to rehearsal yesterday, I got an email from a woman from another senior residence about doing a 30 minute demo recital. I had contacted her a while ago about doing a concert of some kind and she said she was a bit leery because the last time she had elicited feedback from the residents they had told her that they wanted more "nonclassical" music. So she said a compromise would be that I would do a half hour demo recital and she would ask for feedback. So I can have fun deciding what to sing (and I will ask my teacher if he wants to join me).
And I will order an anthology of songs by Alma Mahler. Monday night I went to the monthly free chamber music concert at my church (they bring in up and comings; sadly, nothing for the homegrown talent) and a woman sang two songs by Alma Mahler. The choir director (who runs this program) said I should look into singing some of them. I told him I had bought a book of songs by Fanny Mendelssohn but had not sung any of them; I said I couldn't find anything suitable for church. Well, maybe now with the Mahler, the Mendelssohn, and the anthology I bought of spirituals/art songs by Florence Price I can put together a recital of songs by women composers. Or maybe just add a set to my nursing home recital program. If I want to do a whole program of songs by women I would have to find an appropriate venue and nothing comes to mind.
First the bitter (because I'm writing about events in chronological order).
Sunday afternoon I went to an anniversary service for my church's former pastor (the tall, drop dead gorgeous blonde) at her new church, and guess who was singing? Little Miss. I was in shock. I had expected maybe a soloist from my pastor's new church, or their choir, but no, there was Little Miss and her violinist boyfriend (whom I always had a great relationship with; he used to accompany me for solos with violin, like the Bach "Laudamus te").
I guess Pastor had invited them. And I suppose one reason was that she got a "twofer".
In all honesty, I can't say that I was upset that she didn't ask me, why should she.
I think I was upset because Little Miss represents everything I wish I'd had, wish I had, wish I'd done, and wish I'd been (or still was). First of all she's young and on an upward trajectory. She has been performing (not singing classical music, but singing) since she was in middle school. She's been disciplined, admired, curated, what you will, since then. Of course she put in the work. I will never say she got something for nothing. But it's often a feedback loop. You do well, people encourage you, you do better. You make friends and colleagues among those who do what you do, and that follows you into the future.
Now if you were to ask me if I think Little Miss will have a brilliant career and the world's greatest opera houses, I will probably say no. She is a generic lyric soprano. Where she is unusual, is/was in exhibiting such technical vocal perfection at such a young age. She sang the soprano solo in the Brahms Requiem five years ago, at the age of 20, in a totally flawless way, just sitting in a choir chair in a pair of jeans and tossing it off. She belts, she acts, she sings musical theater, she sings contemporary music. Probably if the New York City Opera were like it had been in the 60s, she could probably land a spot there. She has a "feel" for new music and opera in English that's a little bit like musical theater. And of course she has mentors. A famous voice teacher from a famous conservatory, a CV containing master classes and summer programs, and her boyfriend, who was a child prodigy with his own Wikipedia page and who has his finger in every possible kind of musical and theatrical pie.
Now I need to add here, as I have said before, that Little Miss is neither conceited nor Prima Donna-ish. She just is. She excels, she enjoys it, people gush, and she enjoys that, in a sort of innocent childlike way.
At the celebration on Sunday when I went to the party afterwards to give my regards to Pastor, I ran into Boyfriend and we chatted and then he mentioned that Little Miss was there and wanted to say "hello". So I did. I'm sure she was genuinely happy to see me.
So I ended up in a funk for the next day. There aren't enough hours in the day for me to give myself the kind of polish you get in a conservatory when you spend 8 years there and don't have anything else to worry about.
So on to the next thing. The Sweet. We had our last rehearsal for our recital and it went well. Really the only difficult thing I have to sing is the Bolena duet and it is going well. Not to jinx myself, but these days I seem to be able to confidently hold onto a high A for 8 counts without choking or panicking as easily as I used to be able to hold onto an F.
And when I was on my way to rehearsal yesterday, I got an email from a woman from another senior residence about doing a 30 minute demo recital. I had contacted her a while ago about doing a concert of some kind and she said she was a bit leery because the last time she had elicited feedback from the residents they had told her that they wanted more "nonclassical" music. So she said a compromise would be that I would do a half hour demo recital and she would ask for feedback. So I can have fun deciding what to sing (and I will ask my teacher if he wants to join me).
And I will order an anthology of songs by Alma Mahler. Monday night I went to the monthly free chamber music concert at my church (they bring in up and comings; sadly, nothing for the homegrown talent) and a woman sang two songs by Alma Mahler. The choir director (who runs this program) said I should look into singing some of them. I told him I had bought a book of songs by Fanny Mendelssohn but had not sung any of them; I said I couldn't find anything suitable for church. Well, maybe now with the Mahler, the Mendelssohn, and the anthology I bought of spirituals/art songs by Florence Price I can put together a recital of songs by women composers. Or maybe just add a set to my nursing home recital program. If I want to do a whole program of songs by women I would have to find an appropriate venue and nothing comes to mind.
Friday, August 10, 2018
Plans for the Fall and Plans for the Future
I now have two concerts planned for the Fall. The first is in late October and will be at the nursing home with the large theater, where I have already sung twice. So far this has been my favorite place to sing because it is large enough to invite guests and we usually get a large audience.
The second is in early November at a facility on the Upper East Side, near Sotheby's, where I have never sung. It apparently only has an upright piano but I was told that there would be room to invite guests. I will go take a look at the room some time in October.
What will be on the program is not definite yet. My teacher had some minor surgery so I have not wanted to bother him about the dates. I made the November date definite because as I have never sung there, I can do my solo recital, if necessary with piano solos in between the sets.
If my teacher is available and in good health, we will be singing two operatic duets, the one from Anna Bolena and the one from Samson et Dalila, and then we will each sing an aria and about three lighter pieces (mine would be "Vanilla Ice Cream", "Let Me Call You Sweetheart", and "Home Sweet Home"). If he is not available (or only feels up for singing a few musical theater songs) I will do the solo recital but will swap out "Tanti Affetti" for "Bel Raggio Lusinghier" from Semiramide (it's going well so far) and swap out "Jubal's Lyre", which I've been struggling with, for Prince Orlofsky's welcome aria which is the perfect thing to start with and would make a nice pair with the "Drinking Song".
As for plans for the future, I finally think that I feel things falling into place in a way that makes me feel that my life has meaning and holds together. I still hate what I do for a living, but it is the most convenient way for me to make an adequate amount of money working the hours I want or need to work any given week. At the age of 68 I have accepted that I will never be willing (yes, I have to use that word) to put in the superhuman amount of work (and expense) necessary to train for a career that I would love. I hate academics, for one thing. This took me over 60 years to realize, but yes. I am smart, have a high IQ, have always done well on standardized tests (the kind that require that you think fast on your feet), and love to read fiction; I'm well versed in current events and am "cultured" (and not just in my own area of classical music), but I simply don't have the mental fortitude to plow through "academic blather". I always wondered if I had ADHD, which I very well might. Coffee calms me down, for example. In any event, I want to spend my golden years out and about. I spend enough time cooped up with articles to edit and that's enough.
Harder and sadder than giving up the idea of a "career", is realizing that I will never be able to sing leading roles with any of the "amateur" opera groups around here, not even the most humble (the one where people sing through an opera from books in someone' living room). Producing something similar involves too much administrative work (and rejection by people who get better offers and do a bunk, not to mention that they never invite me to do anything), so I have settled for solo recitals in nursing homes. I have already written at length about that, and I have made a decision to love it, not see it as "second best". I love working with the elderly (I think I'm better at that than working with children although I want to continue what I'm doing with children to broaden my life; I don't have any children who might have children or any siblings who might have children and grandchildren.)
And I have decided that when my Angel gets her wings, if I am still mobile and of sound mind, I would like to work with seniors with dementia. There are all sorts of things I can do with them, including broadening out from doing concerts (which I will still be doing if I am in good voice and good health) to singing their favorite songs with and for them at their bedsides. This is a long-term plan, and not one I want to delve too deeply into, because right now I have my Angel and can do these things with her, but it is a assurance to me that life will go on. I don't think I would need academic credentials to do this as a volunteer; I'm sure my life experience with my partner and my musical background would be enough.
So this will be a life. Not a boastworthy Upper West Side life, but a good one.
The second is in early November at a facility on the Upper East Side, near Sotheby's, where I have never sung. It apparently only has an upright piano but I was told that there would be room to invite guests. I will go take a look at the room some time in October.
What will be on the program is not definite yet. My teacher had some minor surgery so I have not wanted to bother him about the dates. I made the November date definite because as I have never sung there, I can do my solo recital, if necessary with piano solos in between the sets.
If my teacher is available and in good health, we will be singing two operatic duets, the one from Anna Bolena and the one from Samson et Dalila, and then we will each sing an aria and about three lighter pieces (mine would be "Vanilla Ice Cream", "Let Me Call You Sweetheart", and "Home Sweet Home"). If he is not available (or only feels up for singing a few musical theater songs) I will do the solo recital but will swap out "Tanti Affetti" for "Bel Raggio Lusinghier" from Semiramide (it's going well so far) and swap out "Jubal's Lyre", which I've been struggling with, for Prince Orlofsky's welcome aria which is the perfect thing to start with and would make a nice pair with the "Drinking Song".
As for plans for the future, I finally think that I feel things falling into place in a way that makes me feel that my life has meaning and holds together. I still hate what I do for a living, but it is the most convenient way for me to make an adequate amount of money working the hours I want or need to work any given week. At the age of 68 I have accepted that I will never be willing (yes, I have to use that word) to put in the superhuman amount of work (and expense) necessary to train for a career that I would love. I hate academics, for one thing. This took me over 60 years to realize, but yes. I am smart, have a high IQ, have always done well on standardized tests (the kind that require that you think fast on your feet), and love to read fiction; I'm well versed in current events and am "cultured" (and not just in my own area of classical music), but I simply don't have the mental fortitude to plow through "academic blather". I always wondered if I had ADHD, which I very well might. Coffee calms me down, for example. In any event, I want to spend my golden years out and about. I spend enough time cooped up with articles to edit and that's enough.
Harder and sadder than giving up the idea of a "career", is realizing that I will never be able to sing leading roles with any of the "amateur" opera groups around here, not even the most humble (the one where people sing through an opera from books in someone' living room). Producing something similar involves too much administrative work (and rejection by people who get better offers and do a bunk, not to mention that they never invite me to do anything), so I have settled for solo recitals in nursing homes. I have already written at length about that, and I have made a decision to love it, not see it as "second best". I love working with the elderly (I think I'm better at that than working with children although I want to continue what I'm doing with children to broaden my life; I don't have any children who might have children or any siblings who might have children and grandchildren.)
And I have decided that when my Angel gets her wings, if I am still mobile and of sound mind, I would like to work with seniors with dementia. There are all sorts of things I can do with them, including broadening out from doing concerts (which I will still be doing if I am in good voice and good health) to singing their favorite songs with and for them at their bedsides. This is a long-term plan, and not one I want to delve too deeply into, because right now I have my Angel and can do these things with her, but it is a assurance to me that life will go on. I don't think I would need academic credentials to do this as a volunteer; I'm sure my life experience with my partner and my musical background would be enough.
So this will be a life. Not a boastworthy Upper West Side life, but a good one.
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
A Somewhat Upbeat Update
Well, I now have a recital venue. The Salvation Army residence that I sang at in 2015. I was told that the audience would be small; they are moving and therefore aren't taking in new residents (and some have moved elsewhere because they don't like the neighborhood they will be moving into if they stay), and I can't invite choir people because it's on a Thursday night, but it will be a recital. I don't know if my teacher will join me. I have until after Easter to decide, because that's when I have to get the programs out. (The recital is in May).
It will be basically the same program I have been doing but I am definitely going to add "Tanti Affetti". I am quite astounded at how easy this feels to sing. I will take two traditional cuts and am making one other cut (at my teacher's suggestion). All the B flats except the last one are part of runs, and as I said a B flat now feel the way a G used to. I had thought of using this aria to replace "Cruda Sorte", but I quite like "Cruda Sorte" so I think I will sing both and pass on the "Violin Aria", which I was going to use to replace the "Habanera", which for now I am totally bored with.
As for church solos, I may have a short solo for Good Friday. We will be singing pieces by Schumann. I don't know yet if I will be singing soprano or alto in the choir. I think the solo in mind is for a soprano but it is not high.
And then I will have some other solo during the season. The "Easter Hymn" is out because the only time slots after Easter are at 9 (not a comfortable time for me to sing in a high tessitura) so I have offered to sing Mary Magdalene's aria "Saget mir geschwinde" from the Bach Easter Oratorio.
Right now I mostly seem to want to sing Bach, Handel, and Rossini. Mozart is a question mark. I struggled (unsuccessfully) with the big "Laudamus te" whenever I tried to sing it. With my new, more solid, technique and extra top notes (actually "Laudamus te" only goes up to an A; the problem is finding places to breathe and not getting tight) I might be able to nail it. I don't know. It would be nice to sing in the summer but we have to get our bids in by right after Easter, so if it feels iffy, I will sing something else.
It will be basically the same program I have been doing but I am definitely going to add "Tanti Affetti". I am quite astounded at how easy this feels to sing. I will take two traditional cuts and am making one other cut (at my teacher's suggestion). All the B flats except the last one are part of runs, and as I said a B flat now feel the way a G used to. I had thought of using this aria to replace "Cruda Sorte", but I quite like "Cruda Sorte" so I think I will sing both and pass on the "Violin Aria", which I was going to use to replace the "Habanera", which for now I am totally bored with.
As for church solos, I may have a short solo for Good Friday. We will be singing pieces by Schumann. I don't know yet if I will be singing soprano or alto in the choir. I think the solo in mind is for a soprano but it is not high.
And then I will have some other solo during the season. The "Easter Hymn" is out because the only time slots after Easter are at 9 (not a comfortable time for me to sing in a high tessitura) so I have offered to sing Mary Magdalene's aria "Saget mir geschwinde" from the Bach Easter Oratorio.
Right now I mostly seem to want to sing Bach, Handel, and Rossini. Mozart is a question mark. I struggled (unsuccessfully) with the big "Laudamus te" whenever I tried to sing it. With my new, more solid, technique and extra top notes (actually "Laudamus te" only goes up to an A; the problem is finding places to breathe and not getting tight) I might be able to nail it. I don't know. It would be nice to sing in the summer but we have to get our bids in by right after Easter, so if it feels iffy, I will sing something else.
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Grief and Work
Well, since I last wrote I did hear back from one of the nursing homes I contacted (the one where I actually spoke to someone and sent her some videos) and after contacting her again she said she had looked at the videos and that I was not a good "fit" for what she was looking for. So OK. That could mean anything. She might want someone who sings and plays the piano, someone who sings pop songs, someone who sings and plays the guitar. Who knows?
Still no word from either the place with the beautifuli salon room (where my partner was in 2016) or the LGBT Center. As for the latter, when I see my friend I might ask her to forward me the email she sent to her contact, as I have not heard from him.
Today I called another nursing home.
I also realized that I could ask my choir colleague if the residence where she lives still has concerts on Thursdays. I did sing there once, but then our choir rehearsal night got switched to Thursday. Maybe I can sing there in the summer when we are off?
What makes me so sad is that what I need is to do solo singing in front of an "audience". I need that the way a plant needs water and I'm not getting any of that kind of nourishment. I even looked at various places that offer performance classes but first they cost too much, and second, I am terrified of being the oldest and least proficient.
So all I can do now is work. I am, believe it or not, tired of the dramatic mezzo rep that I struggled with for so many years; bored with Carmen and Dalila. What is my new love? Handel and Rossini! That makes sense, because really, my favorite thing to sing is "Rejoice Greatly". It's flashy and just high enough to sound high but not too high, and there is no sustained float-y high singing, which is my nemesis.
So I made a list of arias to work on. Some had daunted me in the past and I had written them off. But now, maybe. They are:
"Tanti Affetti" from Rossini's Donna del Lago
"Bel Raggio" from Rossini's Semiramide
"Dopo Notte" from Handel's Ariodonte
and possibly
"Non piu di Fiori" from Mozart's Clemenza di Tito
"Ah, Mon Fils" from Meyerbeer's Le Prophete
and I might revisit Mozart's "Laudamus te" from the Great Mass.
Tonight I (tenatively and with many stops and starts) sang through "Tanti Affetti". It has a lot of B flats, but they are all in runs, which I do well. I said "a lot". I mean 11. I have no idea if the piece will ever be "performance ready", but if I don't try then it definitely never will. Nowadays a B flat feels like a G once felt. And yes, in this practice session today I nailed all 11.
On the subject of being unable to find opportunities, I had another insight the other day. Performance opportunities are like neighborhoods, and as the years go by, the smaller humbler ones have now all become gentrified (aka exploited by emerging professionals, semi-professionals, and professionals looking to sing a role they aren't singing professionally right now), which pushes anyone with a modest "package" (how I would describe myself) out.
Maybe if I want an audience I will stop singing in the bathroom and sing behind my front door. My electric keyboard is on my dining table, which is near my front door (if I know a piece, I sing it in my bathroom with a pitch pipe to check pitches).
On the other hand, my nextdoor neighbor goes to the Met once a week (it's around the corner, remember?) and the man down the hall is a music critic. Never did I so yearn to be surrounded by lager louts. They might tell me to stop "screaming" - but would probably think I'm the real deal.
Still no word from either the place with the beautifuli salon room (where my partner was in 2016) or the LGBT Center. As for the latter, when I see my friend I might ask her to forward me the email she sent to her contact, as I have not heard from him.
Today I called another nursing home.
I also realized that I could ask my choir colleague if the residence where she lives still has concerts on Thursdays. I did sing there once, but then our choir rehearsal night got switched to Thursday. Maybe I can sing there in the summer when we are off?
What makes me so sad is that what I need is to do solo singing in front of an "audience". I need that the way a plant needs water and I'm not getting any of that kind of nourishment. I even looked at various places that offer performance classes but first they cost too much, and second, I am terrified of being the oldest and least proficient.
So all I can do now is work. I am, believe it or not, tired of the dramatic mezzo rep that I struggled with for so many years; bored with Carmen and Dalila. What is my new love? Handel and Rossini! That makes sense, because really, my favorite thing to sing is "Rejoice Greatly". It's flashy and just high enough to sound high but not too high, and there is no sustained float-y high singing, which is my nemesis.
So I made a list of arias to work on. Some had daunted me in the past and I had written them off. But now, maybe. They are:
"Tanti Affetti" from Rossini's Donna del Lago
"Bel Raggio" from Rossini's Semiramide
"Dopo Notte" from Handel's Ariodonte
and possibly
"Non piu di Fiori" from Mozart's Clemenza di Tito
"Ah, Mon Fils" from Meyerbeer's Le Prophete
and I might revisit Mozart's "Laudamus te" from the Great Mass.
Tonight I (tenatively and with many stops and starts) sang through "Tanti Affetti". It has a lot of B flats, but they are all in runs, which I do well. I said "a lot". I mean 11. I have no idea if the piece will ever be "performance ready", but if I don't try then it definitely never will. Nowadays a B flat feels like a G once felt. And yes, in this practice session today I nailed all 11.
On the subject of being unable to find opportunities, I had another insight the other day. Performance opportunities are like neighborhoods, and as the years go by, the smaller humbler ones have now all become gentrified (aka exploited by emerging professionals, semi-professionals, and professionals looking to sing a role they aren't singing professionally right now), which pushes anyone with a modest "package" (how I would describe myself) out.
Maybe if I want an audience I will stop singing in the bathroom and sing behind my front door. My electric keyboard is on my dining table, which is near my front door (if I know a piece, I sing it in my bathroom with a pitch pipe to check pitches).
On the other hand, my nextdoor neighbor goes to the Met once a week (it's around the corner, remember?) and the man down the hall is a music critic. Never did I so yearn to be surrounded by lager louts. They might tell me to stop "screaming" - but would probably think I'm the real deal.
Friday, August 11, 2017
Back to My Fach
Yesterday, I was engaging with someone on Facebook about my blog, after previously, a few days earlier, having read this article about one of my lifelong singing idols, whom if things were different I would move Heaven and earth to study with, and I realized that a post is long overdue.
Things with my partner have stabilized. I think she will make it to another Thanksgiving and probably Christmas and New Year's as well. She has a hospital bed. She is going to have Moh's surgery next week, and we have an ambulance reserved (it is the only way she can travel). We continue to enjoy snuggles and tv watching. Her dementia waxes and wanes.
My 67th birthday passed with pretty much nothing other than my partner "buying" me a Wimbledon towel. (This means she said I could use her credit card to buy it from their web site.) It was a lovely present. To me a "present" should be something you wouldn't buy for yourself. It doesn't need to be expensive, but it needs to feel like a luxury. Not business as usual. A friend sent me a check so I bought two ballet tickets. If I want entertainment, I go to the ballet. Going to the opera stirs up too much "compare and despair".
My recital program is set. I am not singing the Vivaldi aria that I mentioned in an earlier post; it would take too long to learn. But now that I know I love it, I plan to revisit it. I am going to sing "In Buddy's Eyes" from Follies. I will substitute my partner's name (which scans perfectly) for "Buddy". It is a song that has meaning for me. I may dedicate it (and "Vanilla Ice Cream") to Barbara Cook, who died this week.
My church solo (suggested by the Minister of Music) is taken from the hymnal: "Jesus is a Rock in a Weary Land". It looks quite simple, but if I interpolate some high notes and some low notes into the second and third verses (stylistically acceptable) I can sing it with my big dramatic voice.
Because I had been working on this spiritual, I was in a "dramatic mezzo" mode (which I can't be when I sing my recital music which is mostly light) so at my last lesson I took a crack at the dreaded page in Aida: "Chi ti salva sciagurato, etc." I aced the high B flat. I aced it at home the next day; with my tendancy to sing sharp when I sing a capella, the note was a B natural. I am singing up to a full voiced C every day. Maybe I can revisit some of that music, or maybe next year I will look at the French grand opera material I had been thinking of doing. Whatever is going on in my life, I'm a dramatic mezzo and this material is what I am meant to sing.
Things with my partner have stabilized. I think she will make it to another Thanksgiving and probably Christmas and New Year's as well. She has a hospital bed. She is going to have Moh's surgery next week, and we have an ambulance reserved (it is the only way she can travel). We continue to enjoy snuggles and tv watching. Her dementia waxes and wanes.
My 67th birthday passed with pretty much nothing other than my partner "buying" me a Wimbledon towel. (This means she said I could use her credit card to buy it from their web site.) It was a lovely present. To me a "present" should be something you wouldn't buy for yourself. It doesn't need to be expensive, but it needs to feel like a luxury. Not business as usual. A friend sent me a check so I bought two ballet tickets. If I want entertainment, I go to the ballet. Going to the opera stirs up too much "compare and despair".
My recital program is set. I am not singing the Vivaldi aria that I mentioned in an earlier post; it would take too long to learn. But now that I know I love it, I plan to revisit it. I am going to sing "In Buddy's Eyes" from Follies. I will substitute my partner's name (which scans perfectly) for "Buddy". It is a song that has meaning for me. I may dedicate it (and "Vanilla Ice Cream") to Barbara Cook, who died this week.
My church solo (suggested by the Minister of Music) is taken from the hymnal: "Jesus is a Rock in a Weary Land". It looks quite simple, but if I interpolate some high notes and some low notes into the second and third verses (stylistically acceptable) I can sing it with my big dramatic voice.
Because I had been working on this spiritual, I was in a "dramatic mezzo" mode (which I can't be when I sing my recital music which is mostly light) so at my last lesson I took a crack at the dreaded page in Aida: "Chi ti salva sciagurato, etc." I aced the high B flat. I aced it at home the next day; with my tendancy to sing sharp when I sing a capella, the note was a B natural. I am singing up to a full voiced C every day. Maybe I can revisit some of that music, or maybe next year I will look at the French grand opera material I had been thinking of doing. Whatever is going on in my life, I'm a dramatic mezzo and this material is what I am meant to sing.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Just an Update
I called Amsterdam House (the nursing home where my partner had been, which has a beautiful room with a piano) and they said they were totally booked for concerts in 2017. I said I would like to book something for the Spring of 2018. They said that they weren't taking bookings yet - to wait until the Fall, then call, although the man who coordinates all this took my phone number.
When I told my teacher, he said, no, I shouldn't wait that long, that I should call the nursing home where I put on my birthday concert. I was hesitant to do that because the piano was out of tune, but my teacher said it didn't really matter. He had been to that concert and hadn't been disturbed by the piano. So I emailed them and now have a date to sing on October 1. I will use my birthday concert as a template, but will remove some pieces so that my teacher and I can sing a duet and he can sing an aria and a few songs.
I can't believe I am saying this, but finally after 12 years, I am bored with both the "Habanera" and "Mon Coeur". I am going to sing the "Drinking Song" from Lucrezia Borgia. My teacher and I will sing the love duet from La Gioconda. The last time I sang that was with The Mentor. The point here is to focus on material that is upbeat. I will of course sing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart", "I Dreamt I Dwelt" and "Home Sweet Home". We will then decide the rest.
I can't believe I am saying this either, but I think I've reached the point where I'm bored by the heavy Verdi and verismo pieces. I am just not in the mood for anything heavy right now. My teacher said this is because my life has been sad and stressful. This does not mean, however, that I am going into vocal retreat!! My upper register continues to be easier and easier (although my teacher said I don't need to vocalize above a B most of the time) and I intend to tackle some new difficult pieces ("Tanti Affetti" from Donna del Lago comes to mind) just to see if I can do them. That has numerous B flats but most of them are in elaborate coloratura passages which is something I am good at.
We are almost out of the woods with my partner and her health issues. We are settled with the managed care company. She will continue to have 24/7 home care, but not the split shifts. It will be three different people sleeping in. We will have two of the people we already have, and then will have to find someone new for Tuesday-Thursday because the woman who has been with my partner in the daytime on those days does not want to sleep in. There are still problems with her landlord not accepting the checks I write on the Supplemental Needs Trust bank account but I think those may be on the way to being settled.
Now I am off to sing an 8 part "country" piece to welcome our new pastor. I am a little nervous because it will be my first time singing the second soprano part with the first soprano part.
When I told my teacher, he said, no, I shouldn't wait that long, that I should call the nursing home where I put on my birthday concert. I was hesitant to do that because the piano was out of tune, but my teacher said it didn't really matter. He had been to that concert and hadn't been disturbed by the piano. So I emailed them and now have a date to sing on October 1. I will use my birthday concert as a template, but will remove some pieces so that my teacher and I can sing a duet and he can sing an aria and a few songs.
I can't believe I am saying this, but finally after 12 years, I am bored with both the "Habanera" and "Mon Coeur". I am going to sing the "Drinking Song" from Lucrezia Borgia. My teacher and I will sing the love duet from La Gioconda. The last time I sang that was with The Mentor. The point here is to focus on material that is upbeat. I will of course sing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart", "I Dreamt I Dwelt" and "Home Sweet Home". We will then decide the rest.
I can't believe I am saying this either, but I think I've reached the point where I'm bored by the heavy Verdi and verismo pieces. I am just not in the mood for anything heavy right now. My teacher said this is because my life has been sad and stressful. This does not mean, however, that I am going into vocal retreat!! My upper register continues to be easier and easier (although my teacher said I don't need to vocalize above a B most of the time) and I intend to tackle some new difficult pieces ("Tanti Affetti" from Donna del Lago comes to mind) just to see if I can do them. That has numerous B flats but most of them are in elaborate coloratura passages which is something I am good at.
We are almost out of the woods with my partner and her health issues. We are settled with the managed care company. She will continue to have 24/7 home care, but not the split shifts. It will be three different people sleeping in. We will have two of the people we already have, and then will have to find someone new for Tuesday-Thursday because the woman who has been with my partner in the daytime on those days does not want to sleep in. There are still problems with her landlord not accepting the checks I write on the Supplemental Needs Trust bank account but I think those may be on the way to being settled.
Now I am off to sing an 8 part "country" piece to welcome our new pastor. I am a little nervous because it will be my first time singing the second soprano part with the first soprano part.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Miles to Go Still: But Maybe Some Music in the Future
My partner now has Medicaid (it's what's called "Community Medicaid") however no nurse assessment has been forthcoming.
I used up almost all her discretionary income paying the private aide and then raised $2000 on GoFundMe which paid for the last 8 days (she is currently in a nursing home in Queens). I was tearfully astounded at how many people contributed to the campaign. This touches on my seemingly contradictory statements that I have no close friends but do have a social life (someone accused me of "arguing" when I said both those things at different times and I was quite surprised that she did not understand that "close friends" and "a social life" are not synonymous).
So many people (I know) do care about me and are able to provide sympathy, advice (if I want it), a hug, even money, but no one has time. I am not a priority with anyone. I have no "in case of emergency please notify". Everyone is busy with their jobs, family, family-related travel, or travel for pleasure. A point of comparison is that over 20 people gave money to the campaign, but only two people provided helping hands, and this over a period of now five months.
How things got to where they are now, is that my partner began acting oddly (the aide said she had Alzheimers) and was very listless, so we had a doctor come to the house and he said she needed to go to the ER. She was discharged after 48 hours and not formally admitted, so she could not go back to the nursing home on the Upper West Side where she had been. They wanted to send her home, despite her lack of money for home care, but I screamed and sobbed, so finally they found a spot for her in a nursing home in Queens. Yesterday I heard from the home care agency. I hope they come evaluate her and she can come home with help. She can't stay in the nursing home in Queens (it takes me two hours to get there and two hours to get back, and there's noplace to buy anything decent for lunch) and anyhow, she can't transition onto "nursing home Medicaid" yet (I don't want to say too much about that in a public blog). My long-term plan is for her to go home, and then if she has another medical crisis, for me to find a way to get her back into the nursing home on the Upper West Side. I think she realizes that she won't be able to be home forever.
As for singing, well, I had to miss choir rehearsal last Thursday because that was when she was being transferred to Queens. But I do practice every day, even if it's just for a half hour. My upper register that I've fought so hard for is still there. I am probably singing the soprano part in "Glory of the Lord" from the Messiah, which we are doing in two weeks.
I have one or two tentative solos for Lent/Holy Week. One thing I like about this new Minister of Music is that he contacts all the soloists ahead of each season with available dates and asks us each to pick one or two choices. That feels better than having the onus always on me. I said my first choice was singing "Qui Sedes al Dextram Patris" on Maundy Thursday, otherwise I said I would sing on April 2 at 11 when there doesn't seem to be anything scheduled. Based on the reading for that service, I thought I could sing "Patiently I Have Waited for the Lord" from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio. It's not Christmassy at all. And speaking of Saint Saens, one little known opera that I have always loved is Henry VIII. The role of Anne Boleyn is for a heavy lyric or a dramatic mezzo and she has a gorgeous aria. It has a sustained high B flat, but I think I could sing that now. And I was able to download the score for free! I still have not felt like making concert plans; I want to have something settled about my partner's care, but I will do that eventually.
I used up almost all her discretionary income paying the private aide and then raised $2000 on GoFundMe which paid for the last 8 days (she is currently in a nursing home in Queens). I was tearfully astounded at how many people contributed to the campaign. This touches on my seemingly contradictory statements that I have no close friends but do have a social life (someone accused me of "arguing" when I said both those things at different times and I was quite surprised that she did not understand that "close friends" and "a social life" are not synonymous).
So many people (I know) do care about me and are able to provide sympathy, advice (if I want it), a hug, even money, but no one has time. I am not a priority with anyone. I have no "in case of emergency please notify". Everyone is busy with their jobs, family, family-related travel, or travel for pleasure. A point of comparison is that over 20 people gave money to the campaign, but only two people provided helping hands, and this over a period of now five months.
How things got to where they are now, is that my partner began acting oddly (the aide said she had Alzheimers) and was very listless, so we had a doctor come to the house and he said she needed to go to the ER. She was discharged after 48 hours and not formally admitted, so she could not go back to the nursing home on the Upper West Side where she had been. They wanted to send her home, despite her lack of money for home care, but I screamed and sobbed, so finally they found a spot for her in a nursing home in Queens. Yesterday I heard from the home care agency. I hope they come evaluate her and she can come home with help. She can't stay in the nursing home in Queens (it takes me two hours to get there and two hours to get back, and there's noplace to buy anything decent for lunch) and anyhow, she can't transition onto "nursing home Medicaid" yet (I don't want to say too much about that in a public blog). My long-term plan is for her to go home, and then if she has another medical crisis, for me to find a way to get her back into the nursing home on the Upper West Side. I think she realizes that she won't be able to be home forever.
As for singing, well, I had to miss choir rehearsal last Thursday because that was when she was being transferred to Queens. But I do practice every day, even if it's just for a half hour. My upper register that I've fought so hard for is still there. I am probably singing the soprano part in "Glory of the Lord" from the Messiah, which we are doing in two weeks.
I have one or two tentative solos for Lent/Holy Week. One thing I like about this new Minister of Music is that he contacts all the soloists ahead of each season with available dates and asks us each to pick one or two choices. That feels better than having the onus always on me. I said my first choice was singing "Qui Sedes al Dextram Patris" on Maundy Thursday, otherwise I said I would sing on April 2 at 11 when there doesn't seem to be anything scheduled. Based on the reading for that service, I thought I could sing "Patiently I Have Waited for the Lord" from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio. It's not Christmassy at all. And speaking of Saint Saens, one little known opera that I have always loved is Henry VIII. The role of Anne Boleyn is for a heavy lyric or a dramatic mezzo and she has a gorgeous aria. It has a sustained high B flat, but I think I could sing that now. And I was able to download the score for free! I still have not felt like making concert plans; I want to have something settled about my partner's care, but I will do that eventually.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Miles to Go
The reason you haven't heard from me for a while is that I have been engrossed in my partner's progress in the rehab nursing home. She has been there now for close to two months and she will probably be discharged before the New Year. Not my choice. I would prefer her to stay there, but the social worker is pushing her to go home.
Some conditions have been set, the first of which is for that three room apartment, filled with 60 plus years of accumulated junk, to be aggressively and ruthlessly shoveled out and professionally cleaned. This will cost well over $5000. (Shouldn't be an issue as she now has to spend down to get Medicaid). It will also take at least five work days (they work 10-5). Supervising this (which I have to do, to tell them what can stay and what can go) is not really what I wanted to be doing with my December, but I will suck it up, as the young people say. I said I cannot be available Monday (my tutoring day), Thursday (my Pilates and choir day), or any day that the choir is singing. In the meantime I have been visiting my partner in the nursing home every day. It is on the same subway line that I live, and that all my activities are on, so it is much less onerous than going to her apartment.
Another condition to her discharge is that she has to have an aide with her all day (not sure if this is just weekdays, or also weekends). She will pay for these herself until her money is gone, and then go on Medicaid.
Her finances will be outsourced so that she doesn't have to see any financial documents. Someone else will take care of the paperwork to get her on Medicaid. She will pay for this service also.
So a lot will be taken off my hands.
As I said, this scenario would not have been my choice, but....
I am writing partly because I am starting to get restless now that I have not felt free to plan another concert. Once she is settled I will see if I can put on a concert at the nursing home where she has been. They have concerts on Saturday afternoons. Or I can go back in the Spring to SAGE, where I put on Carmen and Il Trovatore.
I am going to sing "Rejoice Greatly" on January 1. I sing it very well. The original choir director told me he didn't like "heavy voices" singing that piece but I guess the new Director of Music feels differently. In the meantime I am working on an aria from Alcina to keep my voice in the right place for singing Handel. No matter what, I practice every day, even if it's just for 45 minutes.
Then I saw a photo someone posted of concert soloists in gowns, in a church, and I wanted to wail with envy and anguish. That is what I could kill to be doing. I have given up any idea of singing opera in costume with staging, for a variety of reasons, but I won't give up my dream of singing solos from an oratorio, beautifully dressed, with a sea of men and women in black behind me. I will chase that until I can no longer sing - which won't be any time soon.
Some conditions have been set, the first of which is for that three room apartment, filled with 60 plus years of accumulated junk, to be aggressively and ruthlessly shoveled out and professionally cleaned. This will cost well over $5000. (Shouldn't be an issue as she now has to spend down to get Medicaid). It will also take at least five work days (they work 10-5). Supervising this (which I have to do, to tell them what can stay and what can go) is not really what I wanted to be doing with my December, but I will suck it up, as the young people say. I said I cannot be available Monday (my tutoring day), Thursday (my Pilates and choir day), or any day that the choir is singing. In the meantime I have been visiting my partner in the nursing home every day. It is on the same subway line that I live, and that all my activities are on, so it is much less onerous than going to her apartment.
Another condition to her discharge is that she has to have an aide with her all day (not sure if this is just weekdays, or also weekends). She will pay for these herself until her money is gone, and then go on Medicaid.
Her finances will be outsourced so that she doesn't have to see any financial documents. Someone else will take care of the paperwork to get her on Medicaid. She will pay for this service also.
So a lot will be taken off my hands.
As I said, this scenario would not have been my choice, but....
I am writing partly because I am starting to get restless now that I have not felt free to plan another concert. Once she is settled I will see if I can put on a concert at the nursing home where she has been. They have concerts on Saturday afternoons. Or I can go back in the Spring to SAGE, where I put on Carmen and Il Trovatore.
I am going to sing "Rejoice Greatly" on January 1. I sing it very well. The original choir director told me he didn't like "heavy voices" singing that piece but I guess the new Director of Music feels differently. In the meantime I am working on an aria from Alcina to keep my voice in the right place for singing Handel. No matter what, I practice every day, even if it's just for 45 minutes.
Then I saw a photo someone posted of concert soloists in gowns, in a church, and I wanted to wail with envy and anguish. That is what I could kill to be doing. I have given up any idea of singing opera in costume with staging, for a variety of reasons, but I won't give up my dream of singing solos from an oratorio, beautifully dressed, with a sea of men and women in black behind me. I will chase that until I can no longer sing - which won't be any time soon.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Why You Haven't Heard from Me
These days I have a lot of worries, beyond the usual existential distress (actually I have had less of that because real life worries trigger actions and actions preclude same old/same old, which is what usually causes the distress).
1. I have waited seven years (since I stopped working full time) to collect my full retirement amount from Social Security. Because of bureaucratic snafus, it feels like it is hanging in the balance. I know it really isn't; everyone gets their Social Security, and I have gotten letters for years telling me how much I will get. I applied online in April. I went to their offices in May and was told I would get my first payment in August because my birthday is in July. To date, however, when I check my application online, it says "we have not yet made a decision". Huh? I called the office twice (which meant being on hold for more than 30 minutes - ok since I have a land line and can stick it under my ear and do something else) once in June and once at the beginning of this month. I'm told that everything is ok - they have huge backlogs and they will get to my application in time. So I am sitting on pins and needles (I plan to check online again tomorrow).
2. The (boooring) work I have been doing at home ever since I left my last full time job has started to dry up because it is being outsourced to India. This is happening just at the moment I had thought everything would be ok - that the money I would get from Social Security plus the small amount I had been earning should enable me to live decently without taking any more money out of savings, which is what I have been partially living on for the past few years. So now I have to scrounge around for more work. If I didn't have caregiving responsibilities I would try to find a part-time job outside the house, and may even do that yet, although I doubt I would make the hourly rate that I can make freelancing. The irony (reference lack of distress above) is that I am actually enjoying myself more than usual because I am not stuck here at the laptop.
3. My lease is up for renewal and I haven't gotten the letter. That's a false worry; I have lived here for 30 years and I am entitled to a lease renewal. My renewal date got pushed from September to October last time (which yielded me a huge savings as the new rent increases beginning in October of 2014 were tiny) so now I guess it will get pushed ahead to November, which won't change the increase, just have it kick in later. This afternoon I will write to one of my neighbors who is a lawyer, and ask her how to craft an email to the landlord (I have the old one, I think).
4. My 20 year old cat is dying. I don't know how long that process will take. Right now she is not suffering, so I want to keep her here, but she is behaving differently (sleeping on the rug in the kitchen instead of in my bed, for example, and eating less).
Other than that my life is pretty much the same. I feel guilty that I don't make posts about all the tragedies/horrors/disasters that keep happening in this country but really what is there to say? There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said hundreds of times by other people, so what I do is read, watch a good news station (MSNBC) and keep myself informed. I don't really feel anything about all this although I do have strong opinions; I just don't express them as well as the micropunditocracy (by that I mean some of my friends and acquaintances - usually younger and with advance degrees) who know how to pontificate and spew out data. I can't think of anything I can personally do (other than vote!!!) to have any impact here, so I might as well tend to my own garden which is way too spare and needs seeding.
Singing is basically going well. I keep singing better and my voice keeps getting bigger and freer. The only downside to this is that singing certain kinds of coloratura is harder than it used to be. I now wish I had not chosen Handel's "O Had I Jubal's Lyre" to sing at my birthday concert (and twice in church) but I will cope. I certainly have as much breath control as I always did, my voice just no longer skates on the edges of notes if I want to sing fast, the way it used to.
One minor disappointment is that the cost of the Leo Moon Circle in the park (which I had seen as a small birthday present to myself) has been upped from $25 to $39 because they are turning it into a big Lammas celebration. I feel that that's just a tad too much for me to spend particularly if I am not working and don't have a definite answer about my Social Security payments. So I may have to forego it, which is just one more reason I hate being poor. I am going to pay the accompanist for my birthday concert, which is quite a bit beyond my budget, but something I would not deprive myself of (so that will have to be it).
ETA: This afternoon's mail brought a letter from Social Security confirming that I will start getting payments at the end of August.
1. I have waited seven years (since I stopped working full time) to collect my full retirement amount from Social Security. Because of bureaucratic snafus, it feels like it is hanging in the balance. I know it really isn't; everyone gets their Social Security, and I have gotten letters for years telling me how much I will get. I applied online in April. I went to their offices in May and was told I would get my first payment in August because my birthday is in July. To date, however, when I check my application online, it says "we have not yet made a decision". Huh? I called the office twice (which meant being on hold for more than 30 minutes - ok since I have a land line and can stick it under my ear and do something else) once in June and once at the beginning of this month. I'm told that everything is ok - they have huge backlogs and they will get to my application in time. So I am sitting on pins and needles (I plan to check online again tomorrow).
2. The (boooring) work I have been doing at home ever since I left my last full time job has started to dry up because it is being outsourced to India. This is happening just at the moment I had thought everything would be ok - that the money I would get from Social Security plus the small amount I had been earning should enable me to live decently without taking any more money out of savings, which is what I have been partially living on for the past few years. So now I have to scrounge around for more work. If I didn't have caregiving responsibilities I would try to find a part-time job outside the house, and may even do that yet, although I doubt I would make the hourly rate that I can make freelancing. The irony (reference lack of distress above) is that I am actually enjoying myself more than usual because I am not stuck here at the laptop.
3. My lease is up for renewal and I haven't gotten the letter. That's a false worry; I have lived here for 30 years and I am entitled to a lease renewal. My renewal date got pushed from September to October last time (which yielded me a huge savings as the new rent increases beginning in October of 2014 were tiny) so now I guess it will get pushed ahead to November, which won't change the increase, just have it kick in later. This afternoon I will write to one of my neighbors who is a lawyer, and ask her how to craft an email to the landlord (I have the old one, I think).
4. My 20 year old cat is dying. I don't know how long that process will take. Right now she is not suffering, so I want to keep her here, but she is behaving differently (sleeping on the rug in the kitchen instead of in my bed, for example, and eating less).
Other than that my life is pretty much the same. I feel guilty that I don't make posts about all the tragedies/horrors/disasters that keep happening in this country but really what is there to say? There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said hundreds of times by other people, so what I do is read, watch a good news station (MSNBC) and keep myself informed. I don't really feel anything about all this although I do have strong opinions; I just don't express them as well as the micropunditocracy (by that I mean some of my friends and acquaintances - usually younger and with advance degrees) who know how to pontificate and spew out data. I can't think of anything I can personally do (other than vote!!!) to have any impact here, so I might as well tend to my own garden which is way too spare and needs seeding.
Singing is basically going well. I keep singing better and my voice keeps getting bigger and freer. The only downside to this is that singing certain kinds of coloratura is harder than it used to be. I now wish I had not chosen Handel's "O Had I Jubal's Lyre" to sing at my birthday concert (and twice in church) but I will cope. I certainly have as much breath control as I always did, my voice just no longer skates on the edges of notes if I want to sing fast, the way it used to.
One minor disappointment is that the cost of the Leo Moon Circle in the park (which I had seen as a small birthday present to myself) has been upped from $25 to $39 because they are turning it into a big Lammas celebration. I feel that that's just a tad too much for me to spend particularly if I am not working and don't have a definite answer about my Social Security payments. So I may have to forego it, which is just one more reason I hate being poor. I am going to pay the accompanist for my birthday concert, which is quite a bit beyond my budget, but something I would not deprive myself of (so that will have to be it).
ETA: This afternoon's mail brought a letter from Social Security confirming that I will start getting payments at the end of August.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
New Stuff
Finally, I have some new things to report a propos of my singing.
My teacher and I have decided to put Carmen to bed now until April, except for drilling the notes in Act IV, which I am expanding beyond what I had sung a few year ago. The last few times I sang the "Seguidilla" I was confident with the high B, so it's a good idea to leave it alone.
I just love, love, love the solo version of the Lauridesen "O Magnum Mysterium". It is a big piece, compared with what I usually sing in church, so it would have to be for a special occasion, probably not when the regular choir director is there because he doesn't like the sound of a big voice singing high, and that's his preference. If there's a spot for me to sing early in the season I can sing "Bereite Dich Zion".
My teacher just saw the HD version of Tannhauser and he said, yes, I should look at Venus. Working on that in German would be a good companion to singing the Bach. German is my weakest language, so I need to improve it.
He also said I should sing through Santuzza's "Voi lo Sapete". This surprised me as he once told me that the role was for a soprano and it wasn't for me. Years ago I tried to sing the "Easter Hymn", hoping it was something that I might sing in church (HAH!) but found the tessitura too high.
I told my teacher I felt guilty that after successfully nailing the phrases with the high B flats in the Amneris/Radames duet I just didn't feel like singing it again right now (didn't want to push my luck?) and he said that was fine.
In other news, I had mentioned working at the church after-school program, and last week I got to work with a child one on one for the first time and I really loved it. I never wanted any children and have never spent much time around them, but I volunteered for this because they urgently needed people and Monday afternoon is an ideal time for me to do something (weekends are for eldercare and I am not crazy about being out at night, particularly once it gets dark early and there might be snow on the ground). I figured if I have trained lots of editors over the years I can help a child with English homework (I begged off helping with the math homework!) Well, once I sat down with a real live little boy, it just made me so happy! I felt connected, which I never do sitting here editing at my laptop alone in the apartment. And I got to use my imagination and intuition, faculties that have rusted over the years in corporate environments. Anyhow, I now really believe that God was at work once again in my life, bringing me something joyful, in addition to singing, to break up the tedium of my dull work and dreary (and sad) eldercare. It was refreshing to be at the other end of the life cycle, which I never am, because I never had children and don't have siblings.
My teacher and I have decided to put Carmen to bed now until April, except for drilling the notes in Act IV, which I am expanding beyond what I had sung a few year ago. The last few times I sang the "Seguidilla" I was confident with the high B, so it's a good idea to leave it alone.
I just love, love, love the solo version of the Lauridesen "O Magnum Mysterium". It is a big piece, compared with what I usually sing in church, so it would have to be for a special occasion, probably not when the regular choir director is there because he doesn't like the sound of a big voice singing high, and that's his preference. If there's a spot for me to sing early in the season I can sing "Bereite Dich Zion".
My teacher just saw the HD version of Tannhauser and he said, yes, I should look at Venus. Working on that in German would be a good companion to singing the Bach. German is my weakest language, so I need to improve it.
He also said I should sing through Santuzza's "Voi lo Sapete". This surprised me as he once told me that the role was for a soprano and it wasn't for me. Years ago I tried to sing the "Easter Hymn", hoping it was something that I might sing in church (HAH!) but found the tessitura too high.
I told my teacher I felt guilty that after successfully nailing the phrases with the high B flats in the Amneris/Radames duet I just didn't feel like singing it again right now (didn't want to push my luck?) and he said that was fine.
In other news, I had mentioned working at the church after-school program, and last week I got to work with a child one on one for the first time and I really loved it. I never wanted any children and have never spent much time around them, but I volunteered for this because they urgently needed people and Monday afternoon is an ideal time for me to do something (weekends are for eldercare and I am not crazy about being out at night, particularly once it gets dark early and there might be snow on the ground). I figured if I have trained lots of editors over the years I can help a child with English homework (I begged off helping with the math homework!) Well, once I sat down with a real live little boy, it just made me so happy! I felt connected, which I never do sitting here editing at my laptop alone in the apartment. And I got to use my imagination and intuition, faculties that have rusted over the years in corporate environments. Anyhow, I now really believe that God was at work once again in my life, bringing me something joyful, in addition to singing, to break up the tedium of my dull work and dreary (and sad) eldercare. It was refreshing to be at the other end of the life cycle, which I never am, because I never had children and don't have siblings.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
A Week in Paradise
I haven't written in a long time, mostly because not much is happening on the singing front. The choir is on hiatus. We have three dates to sing in the summer, but we don't have weeknight rehearsals; we just show up at 10:15 the morning of the service.
I will be singing the bravura alto cantata solo "Erfreute Zeit", which I have mentioned often, on August 31.
I am still looking for things to sing on September 11. We were given some instructions regarding what to sing, one of which was that the accompaniment couldn't be too difficult to play. The producer nixed my original suggestions, so I am going to ask her about doing Haydn's "When I Think Upon Thy Goodness" (the music is upbeat and the text is perfect) and Schumann's "Requiem". This latter is something I have wanted to learn for a while. It is not a dreary Requiem. It mentions Heaven and angels, and is similar in vocal style and message to the Wagner "Angel" that I have sung frequently. I hope she likes these. Together, they come to 6 minutes. I have sung the Haydn in church, but not recently.
As for the title of this post, I took a week's vacation, in honor of my partner's 80th birthday. I can't afford it as I don't even earn enough to pay my bills (I have been taking money out of my mother's savings account, just to squeak by until I can collect Social Security, which will be now in exactly two years as I will be 64 next week.) But not everyone gets to have an 80th birthday, and I have not been away from New York for 5 years. I have no excuse to travel as I don't have work that requires it and I don't have relatives. If my friends want to see me they can come here, and most of them do. (Most of them have a lot more money than I do.)
We went to Ogunquit, Maine, where we went every summer in the 90s. We then went again in 2009. We stay at The Beachmere inn (http://www.beachmereinn.com/) in a room called "The Mayfair Studio", which overlooks a Japanese garden that is not like anything else I have ever seen.
I will be singing the bravura alto cantata solo "Erfreute Zeit", which I have mentioned often, on August 31.
I am still looking for things to sing on September 11. We were given some instructions regarding what to sing, one of which was that the accompaniment couldn't be too difficult to play. The producer nixed my original suggestions, so I am going to ask her about doing Haydn's "When I Think Upon Thy Goodness" (the music is upbeat and the text is perfect) and Schumann's "Requiem". This latter is something I have wanted to learn for a while. It is not a dreary Requiem. It mentions Heaven and angels, and is similar in vocal style and message to the Wagner "Angel" that I have sung frequently. I hope she likes these. Together, they come to 6 minutes. I have sung the Haydn in church, but not recently.
As for the title of this post, I took a week's vacation, in honor of my partner's 80th birthday. I can't afford it as I don't even earn enough to pay my bills (I have been taking money out of my mother's savings account, just to squeak by until I can collect Social Security, which will be now in exactly two years as I will be 64 next week.) But not everyone gets to have an 80th birthday, and I have not been away from New York for 5 years. I have no excuse to travel as I don't have work that requires it and I don't have relatives. If my friends want to see me they can come here, and most of them do. (Most of them have a lot more money than I do.)
We went to Ogunquit, Maine, where we went every summer in the 90s. We then went again in 2009. We stay at The Beachmere inn (http://www.beachmereinn.com/) in a room called "The Mayfair Studio", which overlooks a Japanese garden that is not like anything else I have ever seen.
I think this will be our last time there, because the room is at the top of a flight of stairs at the top of a hill, and it was too much for my partner to manage. We had to hire a private "beach caddy" to take us to our door because the trolley stop was at the bottom of the hill. This is where we want our ashes scattered, and it is what, to us, Heaven looks like. I didn't sing for a week, and I didn't work. It was a necessary change of scene. I guess our next trip will be in August of 2016, after I am collecting Social Security. We will probably take a guided tour up into various parts of New England, because we cannot handle baggage. She is too frail to carry even one suitcase, and I can barely manage one, let alone two, and I can't handle any baggage on stairs or an escalator.
I am now back to singing and working.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
The Work Goes On....
After I made my last blog entry, I had a fabulous runthrough of the Amneris/Radames duet, including the dreaded high B flats. Yes, OK, I took a brief pause to focus myself before that ascending passage, but I did it.
This made me both happy and sad. I was happy because as I was singing through the duet (and most of the duet, in fact most of the role is tailor made for my voice) I got a glimpse of what I could/should sound like, in fact would have sounded like if I had begun at the beginning and moved into this repertoire at an age when I could devote myself to it. This is what I should be singing, give or take a few outlier notes that are very hard to acquire at my age. But no one is going to (I am not going to use the word "hire" and am groping for another one) invite (by which I mean ask me to sing on their dime in a situation where they do all the organizing) me to sing this repertoire anywhere. I don't even think I would be considered good enough to sing it at SingThrough Central, based on who sings there. (The woman who sang Carmen has sung with the Met Chorus, for example). And at my age I am not spending one penny to sing a comprimaria role in a venue like that. And although at the pay to sing group that my teacher is involved with I have heard some singers in big roles who do not sound as good as I do (meaning their intonation is faulty), for some mysterious reason, they can nonetheless hoist their voices up to those B flats and B naturals even if (in the case of one mezzo I can think of) the B flat is really in that quarter tone limbo between an A natural and a B flat.
So I am left with what people are likely to want me to sing. Several people have told me what I should be singing is Spanish art songs (sacred or otherwise). What is meant, I think, is that those sit in my upper middle register where my voice is clearest and most comfortable, and most of these do not go above a high G or below middle C.
So how can I be saying two conflicting things? Well, they aren't really. There's what my voice was made to sing in ideal circumstances, if I had had the right training and had been able to devote myself to building my physical stamina and increasing my range (both things that could have been done, and can sorta kinda be done now but not to the necessary extent). Then there's what I always can sing, pleasantly and comfortably with enough polish never to offend, but with nothing to wow! either.
That means church solos that can create a pleasant mood for communion (or - on rare occasion - some Bach in a range that will not get too loud) and some nice songs that can be sung in the classical vein with a nice line and with thoughtful interpretation, in a concert with other people of all ages and abilities.
In real world terms, what that means is that I am now putting Amneris aside to work on the songs by Manuel Garcia. There's one, http://youtu.be/6BNFOWeWu44 "yo que soy contrabandista" that requires a lot of fast singing, with diction forward. And trilling. Basically the same skills I used to sing "Chanson Boheme". I hope to get a spot in the Hispanic Heritage concert, which is not guaranteed. If I can get some interesting instrumental accompaniment it should be fun. And I can wear something flashy.
This made me both happy and sad. I was happy because as I was singing through the duet (and most of the duet, in fact most of the role is tailor made for my voice) I got a glimpse of what I could/should sound like, in fact would have sounded like if I had begun at the beginning and moved into this repertoire at an age when I could devote myself to it. This is what I should be singing, give or take a few outlier notes that are very hard to acquire at my age. But no one is going to (I am not going to use the word "hire" and am groping for another one) invite (by which I mean ask me to sing on their dime in a situation where they do all the organizing) me to sing this repertoire anywhere. I don't even think I would be considered good enough to sing it at SingThrough Central, based on who sings there. (The woman who sang Carmen has sung with the Met Chorus, for example). And at my age I am not spending one penny to sing a comprimaria role in a venue like that. And although at the pay to sing group that my teacher is involved with I have heard some singers in big roles who do not sound as good as I do (meaning their intonation is faulty), for some mysterious reason, they can nonetheless hoist their voices up to those B flats and B naturals even if (in the case of one mezzo I can think of) the B flat is really in that quarter tone limbo between an A natural and a B flat.
So I am left with what people are likely to want me to sing. Several people have told me what I should be singing is Spanish art songs (sacred or otherwise). What is meant, I think, is that those sit in my upper middle register where my voice is clearest and most comfortable, and most of these do not go above a high G or below middle C.
So how can I be saying two conflicting things? Well, they aren't really. There's what my voice was made to sing in ideal circumstances, if I had had the right training and had been able to devote myself to building my physical stamina and increasing my range (both things that could have been done, and can sorta kinda be done now but not to the necessary extent). Then there's what I always can sing, pleasantly and comfortably with enough polish never to offend, but with nothing to wow! either.
That means church solos that can create a pleasant mood for communion (or - on rare occasion - some Bach in a range that will not get too loud) and some nice songs that can be sung in the classical vein with a nice line and with thoughtful interpretation, in a concert with other people of all ages and abilities.
In real world terms, what that means is that I am now putting Amneris aside to work on the songs by Manuel Garcia. There's one, http://youtu.be/6BNFOWeWu44 "yo que soy contrabandista" that requires a lot of fast singing, with diction forward. And trilling. Basically the same skills I used to sing "Chanson Boheme". I hope to get a spot in the Hispanic Heritage concert, which is not guaranteed. If I can get some interesting instrumental accompaniment it should be fun. And I can wear something flashy.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Concert Went Well - And a Whine about the Weather
I was going to wait to post about Sunday's concert until I got pictures (two people took really nice pictures of me with the producer) but I haven't gotten them yet. I did take a "selfie" which sort of shows my outfit and also shows a wall hanging I bought in honor of the Mentor (about 5 years ago). I have gotten better at selfies (remembering not to grimace the way I would if I were just trying to frame a photograph) but I still can't get them to show anything below my shoulders.
I thought I sang well; the only problem was that the silk rose somehow got stuck in my lace sleeve, and flipped backwards instead of out into the audience (also, there was no attractive man or woman I felt that I wanted to honor with the rose!). Also, although using the chair as a prop was a great idea (I had no trouble sitting down, standing up, or standing with my foot on it), when it came to "toss it aside" gracefully, it was too heavy and I could barely move it.
Plans for the Carmen concert continue. I now have an accompanist. I have not gotten a confirmation email back from the tenor, so I will contact him again. There will be two runthrough rehearsals with the accompanist (I don't know yet if we will have a Micaela and an Escamillo) and before then I will try to go to 4 or 5 meetups with the producer/sponsor. She posted several for the end of January and the beginning of February, but I want to avoid going out unnecessarily until there is less snow on the ground. I am figuring I can get to maybe one at the end of February, two in March, and two in April.
I finally had a lesson yesterday after not having had one for five weeks, and not singing any exercises (or anything) above an A for a week. I sang through "Chanson Boheme" like a house afire, and today during my practice I sailed comfortably up to a high C on a long arpeggio. Not a squeak that got stuck in my throat but a real note. Maybe at some point I will go back to the difficult repertoire (meaning Verdi) that I have taken a break from.
As for the weather, I am frightened for my safety in this storm. I had a doctor's appointment this morning, but am in for the rest of the day. Tomorrow night is choir practice. The choir director has said the rule is that if the subways are running, we are on. If I want to stay competitive with all the new talented young people I can't be a sissy and stay home because of a snowstorm, unless an advisory is issued (it has been for tonight). I mean I now have a whole "old lady" protocol all the way from using a cane, to taking buses not subways, to, now, since my last fall, asking the bus driver to let me exit using the wheelchair platform if the bus has steps (a lot of them don't). But staying home is not an option, I wouldn't think. Of course this is an endless source of friction with my SO who would love to keep me in a little box until it's time for me to come do chores for her. What bothers me is I have lived with inclement weather for over 6 decades and this is the first year I have really been frightened by it. As a child it was fun, as a teenager it signaled a welcome holiday from school, and as an adult going to work it was a nuisance (I remember waiting for a bus standing in a foot of snow and thinking my legs were going to freeze off, for example, as well as having to clamber over huge snow drifts to cross the street) but not a hazard.
Well, now it's back to Carmen. I need to get serious about memorizing the second half of it!
ETA: Here is a photo of me with the woman who produced the concert and will sponsor my Carmen. Note the stunning view from her window!
Friday, December 27, 2013
New Year's Resolutions, Six Months On
Well, it is now almost that time of year again.
I don't make it a rule that I must make New Year's resolutions, but as I felt a great need for some house cleaning earlier in the year (which I have continued with), I want to strengthen my resolve.
Maybe it's because I have gone back to AA meetings, but I spent part of this year taking a look at some of my behavior to see what exactly it was that was making me so unhappy, and I saw that a lot of it had to do with a kind of voyeurism that I was engaging in a propos of other people who had the lives I wish I had. It was very hard to feel gratitude and self-acceptance if every single day I was reading blogs and status updates from working singers, actors, and so forth. Particularly ones who were articulate culture watchers. No matter what they were writing about, it stung, whether they were writing about me or not (most likely not).
Since my involvement with blogging (which followed closely on the heels of my involvement with singing), I have had two major showdowns with groups of people I envied, (and some minor ones along the way), which should have told me something. I simply don't need to be looking in these people's bedrooms or reading their polemics. I notice that I already have felt better about myself since I stopped doing this.
These people's lives are extremely unusual. So if I don't work outside the house, and don't have relatives, and spend the morning reading journals and blogs from seven working singers, one director, and three voice teachers, I am going to lose sight of that fact, and feel quite small. On the other hand if I find places to socialize that are full of secretaries, nurses, even bankers (I have never envied money per se), I have a much more realistic attitude about where I fit in the scheme of things. Even the fact that I practice an art form at all, and in fact practice it well enough that I have a handful of performance venues where I can do solo singing, even for no money, puts me ahead of the game. It means I am "artier" and more creative than your average 63 year old woman with a bachelor's degree, whose only contact with the arts may be as a spectator.
So my first resolution is to reaffirm that I am not going to read any more personal blogs or opinion pieces (or peruse online fora) frequented by these people. I still read some blogs by voice teachers, but these are about vocal technique, health, and repertoire, not about how Miss Kansas is ruining things for "real" opera singers or how amateurs must never never forget that we are not the real deal.
My second resolution is to continue all the work that I did with The Artists Way. This taught me to incorporate beauty and sensuality into every nook and cranny of my life. It did not tell me I had to do something creative for a living or else I was a failure. That if you do not "love what you do" you are worthless. And in fact, I need to reaffirm that
Yes, I do love what I do, I just don't love what I do for a living, and ny third resolution is that I need to stop hating myself because I can't find something else to do for a living. I have to accept that what I do does not feed my soul in any way, so I need to feed myself otherwise, while at the same time being grateful that I have some livelihood, considering that many people don't these days. Leaving aside the obvious, singing, I can cook, and decorate, organize my photographs, write, look around me when I am out. I already avoid left brain hobbies like the plague. I can't remember the last time I even looked at a crossword puzzle, for example.
It's interesting. Since I have stopped "competing" with working singers and hating myself, some things have fallen into my lap. I am going to sing (the "Habanera" and something else) at a cabaret musicale. This is on a Sunday afternoon which is just fine and dandy. If I skip a Sunday choir sing maybe someone will miss me and I will stop feeling taken for granted. I will be singing Nins' "Cant deis Aucells" on Epiphany for the Spanish service. And I am continuing to work on the scenes from Carmen for my spring concert. There is all sorts of singing I can do where I can use artistry and garner applause that doesn't involve the (in fact rather limited) world of auditions for these no pay opera groups and others, who obviously don't want me.
Although I don't really see myself as a musical theater singer, I have found a musical theater piece that I adore: "Moonfall" from The Mystery of Edwin Drood. It is dripping with seduction, a lot like "Mon Coeur" and is in an ideal range for my type voice. If I sing it, I won't sing it as Rosa Bud in the show, I will sing it as if I meant the words, which are quite delicious.
Another sign of personal growth. I couldn't in a million years see myself wanting to sing "Green Finch and Linnet Bird" now. However mired I am in eldercare, sometimes lovingly, sometimes not, I know I am not a caged bird. I can fly and sing!
I don't make it a rule that I must make New Year's resolutions, but as I felt a great need for some house cleaning earlier in the year (which I have continued with), I want to strengthen my resolve.
Maybe it's because I have gone back to AA meetings, but I spent part of this year taking a look at some of my behavior to see what exactly it was that was making me so unhappy, and I saw that a lot of it had to do with a kind of voyeurism that I was engaging in a propos of other people who had the lives I wish I had. It was very hard to feel gratitude and self-acceptance if every single day I was reading blogs and status updates from working singers, actors, and so forth. Particularly ones who were articulate culture watchers. No matter what they were writing about, it stung, whether they were writing about me or not (most likely not).
Since my involvement with blogging (which followed closely on the heels of my involvement with singing), I have had two major showdowns with groups of people I envied, (and some minor ones along the way), which should have told me something. I simply don't need to be looking in these people's bedrooms or reading their polemics. I notice that I already have felt better about myself since I stopped doing this.
These people's lives are extremely unusual. So if I don't work outside the house, and don't have relatives, and spend the morning reading journals and blogs from seven working singers, one director, and three voice teachers, I am going to lose sight of that fact, and feel quite small. On the other hand if I find places to socialize that are full of secretaries, nurses, even bankers (I have never envied money per se), I have a much more realistic attitude about where I fit in the scheme of things. Even the fact that I practice an art form at all, and in fact practice it well enough that I have a handful of performance venues where I can do solo singing, even for no money, puts me ahead of the game. It means I am "artier" and more creative than your average 63 year old woman with a bachelor's degree, whose only contact with the arts may be as a spectator.
So my first resolution is to reaffirm that I am not going to read any more personal blogs or opinion pieces (or peruse online fora) frequented by these people. I still read some blogs by voice teachers, but these are about vocal technique, health, and repertoire, not about how Miss Kansas is ruining things for "real" opera singers or how amateurs must never never forget that we are not the real deal.
My second resolution is to continue all the work that I did with The Artists Way. This taught me to incorporate beauty and sensuality into every nook and cranny of my life. It did not tell me I had to do something creative for a living or else I was a failure. That if you do not "love what you do" you are worthless. And in fact, I need to reaffirm that
Yes, I do love what I do, I just don't love what I do for a living, and ny third resolution is that I need to stop hating myself because I can't find something else to do for a living. I have to accept that what I do does not feed my soul in any way, so I need to feed myself otherwise, while at the same time being grateful that I have some livelihood, considering that many people don't these days. Leaving aside the obvious, singing, I can cook, and decorate, organize my photographs, write, look around me when I am out. I already avoid left brain hobbies like the plague. I can't remember the last time I even looked at a crossword puzzle, for example.
It's interesting. Since I have stopped "competing" with working singers and hating myself, some things have fallen into my lap. I am going to sing (the "Habanera" and something else) at a cabaret musicale. This is on a Sunday afternoon which is just fine and dandy. If I skip a Sunday choir sing maybe someone will miss me and I will stop feeling taken for granted. I will be singing Nins' "Cant deis Aucells" on Epiphany for the Spanish service. And I am continuing to work on the scenes from Carmen for my spring concert. There is all sorts of singing I can do where I can use artistry and garner applause that doesn't involve the (in fact rather limited) world of auditions for these no pay opera groups and others, who obviously don't want me.
Although I don't really see myself as a musical theater singer, I have found a musical theater piece that I adore: "Moonfall" from The Mystery of Edwin Drood. It is dripping with seduction, a lot like "Mon Coeur" and is in an ideal range for my type voice. If I sing it, I won't sing it as Rosa Bud in the show, I will sing it as if I meant the words, which are quite delicious.
Another sign of personal growth. I couldn't in a million years see myself wanting to sing "Green Finch and Linnet Bird" now. However mired I am in eldercare, sometimes lovingly, sometimes not, I know I am not a caged bird. I can fly and sing!
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Suddenly Spanish?
Last night I sang at the Hispanic Heritage Month get together held by the woman who produced the September 11 concert.
It turned out there were only two other people there: one singer (female) and one actor (male).
I have mostly good things to report. First of all, I can see that I have a real affinity for Spanish classical song. The organizer (who is of Spanish descent and is a specialist in this repertoire) gave me a book of classical Spanish songs to look at (which contains a song by Manuel Garcia, which was the song that inspired Bizet's "Habanera".)
Most of these songs sit in an upper middle register, which is where my voice is strongest, have a lot of melismatic passages (something I sing well), pretty much no sustained high notes, and nothing below middle C. So they are tailor made for my strengths and avoid my weaknesses.
The organizer also gave me the name of a book to read, called Spain: The Root and the Flower.
So I ordered both of these items.
What heartens me, is that (albeit in a limited repertoire) I find myself getting the kind of mentoring from this woman that I so desperate yearn for and never got from anyone except The Mentor, who of course ended up being toxic. She seems to be eager to teach me all sorts of things related to the music I am singing.
The other woman there was a mezzo, a "real" singer, aka someone who sings with these no pay groups, who has an impressive CV filled with apprenticeships, prizes, and plum high profile assignments (even if not for pay) as well as some paid singing. She is of Hispanic descent and teaches Spanish and Portuguese. She is certainly very knowledgeable about Spanish and Latin American music, and has a huge voice that can easily sing the music I so long(ed) to sing with a wide range, and a huge sound with much head resonance (although a lot of darkness as well). She is going to be singing Carmen with one of these pay to sing readthrough groups, having sung Mercedes with another one of these groups (she knows my teacher), easily sailing up to the high C. So if she is who is paying to sing at these readthroughs, they will never be interested in me.
Maybe I don't have such a big voice after all. It is certainly loud and it can certainly carry over an orchestra, at least from the middle of the staff up. (And - shoutout to the choir director - even my lower register could carry well enough above the small chamber orchestra we use for Reformation Sunday in that alto solo that now isn't.) But it doesn't have a large aureole (this is not a technical term, I know, but I am clear what I mean about it). It has taken me years to get even the tiniest bit of head resonance and that still is not a lot. If it is not my past smoking, or my being from New York and spending a lifetime speaking in chest voice, what is it? My blocked sinuses? My narrow head and narrow nose?
I mean I do have a "voice" and I will never ever ever give up singing until I die or develop a disability that prevents it, but maybe I will never have the range or the stamina for opera? I just don't know. I love it so, but recently I have tried to "unpack" my passionate obsession with singing opera to see exactly what it is that I am so passionate about. I have a dramatic personality and love the spotlight, which is why singing church music only satisfies me somewhat. It is beautiful music, but no matter how well I sing it, in that setting other things are always paramount. Maybe Spanish songs will be the next big thing? I can dress up and be sexy and sing for audiences and convey drama without overtaxing myself vocally.
The best news of all is that the concert organizer told me that I had "the makings of a fine Spanish music singer". I am looking forward to her Spring concert. Probably this other woman won't be interested in it, and even if she is, I am sure there will be room enough for both of us.
It turned out there were only two other people there: one singer (female) and one actor (male).
I have mostly good things to report. First of all, I can see that I have a real affinity for Spanish classical song. The organizer (who is of Spanish descent and is a specialist in this repertoire) gave me a book of classical Spanish songs to look at (which contains a song by Manuel Garcia, which was the song that inspired Bizet's "Habanera".)
Most of these songs sit in an upper middle register, which is where my voice is strongest, have a lot of melismatic passages (something I sing well), pretty much no sustained high notes, and nothing below middle C. So they are tailor made for my strengths and avoid my weaknesses.
The organizer also gave me the name of a book to read, called Spain: The Root and the Flower.
So I ordered both of these items.
What heartens me, is that (albeit in a limited repertoire) I find myself getting the kind of mentoring from this woman that I so desperate yearn for and never got from anyone except The Mentor, who of course ended up being toxic. She seems to be eager to teach me all sorts of things related to the music I am singing.
The other woman there was a mezzo, a "real" singer, aka someone who sings with these no pay groups, who has an impressive CV filled with apprenticeships, prizes, and plum high profile assignments (even if not for pay) as well as some paid singing. She is of Hispanic descent and teaches Spanish and Portuguese. She is certainly very knowledgeable about Spanish and Latin American music, and has a huge voice that can easily sing the music I so long(ed) to sing with a wide range, and a huge sound with much head resonance (although a lot of darkness as well). She is going to be singing Carmen with one of these pay to sing readthrough groups, having sung Mercedes with another one of these groups (she knows my teacher), easily sailing up to the high C. So if she is who is paying to sing at these readthroughs, they will never be interested in me.
Maybe I don't have such a big voice after all. It is certainly loud and it can certainly carry over an orchestra, at least from the middle of the staff up. (And - shoutout to the choir director - even my lower register could carry well enough above the small chamber orchestra we use for Reformation Sunday in that alto solo that now isn't.) But it doesn't have a large aureole (this is not a technical term, I know, but I am clear what I mean about it). It has taken me years to get even the tiniest bit of head resonance and that still is not a lot. If it is not my past smoking, or my being from New York and spending a lifetime speaking in chest voice, what is it? My blocked sinuses? My narrow head and narrow nose?
I mean I do have a "voice" and I will never ever ever give up singing until I die or develop a disability that prevents it, but maybe I will never have the range or the stamina for opera? I just don't know. I love it so, but recently I have tried to "unpack" my passionate obsession with singing opera to see exactly what it is that I am so passionate about. I have a dramatic personality and love the spotlight, which is why singing church music only satisfies me somewhat. It is beautiful music, but no matter how well I sing it, in that setting other things are always paramount. Maybe Spanish songs will be the next big thing? I can dress up and be sexy and sing for audiences and convey drama without overtaxing myself vocally.
The best news of all is that the concert organizer told me that I had "the makings of a fine Spanish music singer". I am looking forward to her Spring concert. Probably this other woman won't be interested in it, and even if she is, I am sure there will be room enough for both of us.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Up Next
I have a few tidbits coming up, so I thought this would be a good time to document them.
I realize that as long as I have some solo singing on the horizon, no matter how humble, I feel more optimistic than when I don't. Choral singing is spiritually and musically nourishing, and the "fellowship" is very special (which is why I am still doing it), but it doesn't satisfy me where I live.
So, ok, what's next?
The woman from the publisher is still interested in my singing the "Habanera" in a bookstore (or several). I was worried that if she somehow either found this blog, or found me on Facebook, even a few small details, she would see how old I am and beg off. Well, apparently not. So that will be in August. I wonder what my SO will make of it? Will she disparage me for doing something I don't get paid for? Say something foul-minded about what I will be wearing and that I will be doing this to "display myself" immodestly? (One reason why I stopped defining myself as Lesbian - even though, other than the Mentor, most of my attractions are to women - is because I really can't stand the prudery and it is certainly rampant among the "woman identified woman" generation.) Well, really, what can she do about it? Say she will never speak to me again and lose her grocery shopper and laundress? Unlikely.
Next, the wonderful thing that happened as a result of this gig was that I revisited the score of Carmen and I have fallen in love with the role again. Initially, I had wanted to do a pocket version of the opera as a follow-up to Samson et Dalila, but many things intervened. I don't care for the big ensembles (listening to them, yes, singing them sandwiched in the middle of a quintet, no - I do enough of that in choir), and the multiple versions of the recitatives, but my teacher showed me how to excerpt a few of the duets, and I think they will be great. I was even pleasantly surprised at how I was able to manage something with that B at the end of the "Seguidilla". It is easier in the actual duet because you have a break between the bulk of the aria and that last bit. And if I am really worried, I can have that last page transposed down a half step, which would not be noticed by anyone who doesn't have perfect pitch, and is, in fact, what Grace Bumbry does on the recording. Then there's the sexy dance duet with the tenor's "Flower Song" in the middle. And lastly, the death scene, which of course is very dramatic. I sang through that at my lesson yesterday. My teacher said I had a lot of old bad habits in the "Seguidilla" (singing what he calls "shallowly" or "crooning") because I hadn't really sung it since I am using a more open position and more support. So he told me to sing through it on "aw" a few times and then try singing the words again.
He really likes the idea of my doing some excerpts from this as part of the concert, so I have decided now to scrap that difficult page from Werther. If I want to sing something from Werther I can do the "Letter Scene". And then maybe something from Samson et Dalila. Or maybe just the excerpts from Carmen and buddy up with someone who can do something else for the other half of the program.
I donated a small amount to the Spanish woman's campaign, which put me back in the frame for her, which was worth it, because she invited me to sing again in her September 11 concert. I may try to do some of the Jake Heggie songs. I have been working on "Primary Colors" (that would also be good for a church solo) and the second half of "More is Required" which is called "Love is". That might also be good for a church solo.
Also, now that I am on this woman's A list again, I will feel free to ask her if I can use the performance space in her building. I will also be open to her suggestions as to what to put on a concert program. Maybe she will sing something for the other half of the program (something Spanish, to pair with Carmen?)
Lastly, I am still playing tag with the choir director about a summer solo. The violinist will not be around much, so I may do the "Laudamus te" without him. Or there is another violinist I might ask, although I don't know if he can play Bach. I really want to do something upbeat, because during the regular season I can only sing slow quiet things for communion.
And next week is the writing class. It will be a challenge to find the right balance between writing my truth, and being careful about what I say in front of my choir colleagues, etc. I think most of the people in the class will be women around my age and I have varying levels of trust with regard to them. What I have to remember is, as with singing, if I want to be "somebody", not everyone is going to like me, and that's OK.
I realize that as long as I have some solo singing on the horizon, no matter how humble, I feel more optimistic than when I don't. Choral singing is spiritually and musically nourishing, and the "fellowship" is very special (which is why I am still doing it), but it doesn't satisfy me where I live.
So, ok, what's next?
The woman from the publisher is still interested in my singing the "Habanera" in a bookstore (or several). I was worried that if she somehow either found this blog, or found me on Facebook, even a few small details, she would see how old I am and beg off. Well, apparently not. So that will be in August. I wonder what my SO will make of it? Will she disparage me for doing something I don't get paid for? Say something foul-minded about what I will be wearing and that I will be doing this to "display myself" immodestly? (One reason why I stopped defining myself as Lesbian - even though, other than the Mentor, most of my attractions are to women - is because I really can't stand the prudery and it is certainly rampant among the "woman identified woman" generation.) Well, really, what can she do about it? Say she will never speak to me again and lose her grocery shopper and laundress? Unlikely.
Next, the wonderful thing that happened as a result of this gig was that I revisited the score of Carmen and I have fallen in love with the role again. Initially, I had wanted to do a pocket version of the opera as a follow-up to Samson et Dalila, but many things intervened. I don't care for the big ensembles (listening to them, yes, singing them sandwiched in the middle of a quintet, no - I do enough of that in choir), and the multiple versions of the recitatives, but my teacher showed me how to excerpt a few of the duets, and I think they will be great. I was even pleasantly surprised at how I was able to manage something with that B at the end of the "Seguidilla". It is easier in the actual duet because you have a break between the bulk of the aria and that last bit. And if I am really worried, I can have that last page transposed down a half step, which would not be noticed by anyone who doesn't have perfect pitch, and is, in fact, what Grace Bumbry does on the recording. Then there's the sexy dance duet with the tenor's "Flower Song" in the middle. And lastly, the death scene, which of course is very dramatic. I sang through that at my lesson yesterday. My teacher said I had a lot of old bad habits in the "Seguidilla" (singing what he calls "shallowly" or "crooning") because I hadn't really sung it since I am using a more open position and more support. So he told me to sing through it on "aw" a few times and then try singing the words again.
He really likes the idea of my doing some excerpts from this as part of the concert, so I have decided now to scrap that difficult page from Werther. If I want to sing something from Werther I can do the "Letter Scene". And then maybe something from Samson et Dalila. Or maybe just the excerpts from Carmen and buddy up with someone who can do something else for the other half of the program.
I donated a small amount to the Spanish woman's campaign, which put me back in the frame for her, which was worth it, because she invited me to sing again in her September 11 concert. I may try to do some of the Jake Heggie songs. I have been working on "Primary Colors" (that would also be good for a church solo) and the second half of "More is Required" which is called "Love is". That might also be good for a church solo.
Also, now that I am on this woman's A list again, I will feel free to ask her if I can use the performance space in her building. I will also be open to her suggestions as to what to put on a concert program. Maybe she will sing something for the other half of the program (something Spanish, to pair with Carmen?)
Lastly, I am still playing tag with the choir director about a summer solo. The violinist will not be around much, so I may do the "Laudamus te" without him. Or there is another violinist I might ask, although I don't know if he can play Bach. I really want to do something upbeat, because during the regular season I can only sing slow quiet things for communion.
And next week is the writing class. It will be a challenge to find the right balance between writing my truth, and being careful about what I say in front of my choir colleagues, etc. I think most of the people in the class will be women around my age and I have varying levels of trust with regard to them. What I have to remember is, as with singing, if I want to be "somebody", not everyone is going to like me, and that's OK.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Making Plans
I don't usually post more than once in a day, but some interesting things came up during my lesson.
First of all, Ulrica rocks! That low G is sort of a growl, but the rest of the piece sounds really really good. And despite it's being thought of as "contralto", other than that low G it is not a low piece and has quite a few sustained Gs and A flats. And as this is a new piece I have no bad muscle memories.
So my teacher said, yes, I should go to this audition. The man who played for our "Viva Verdi" concert is the pianist for that group, I think, so I wrote to him and asked him if he had any "inside scoop".
Also my teacher agreed that I should make my "top five" more age appropriate. I don't know if I will keep Ulrica in the batch but I will use it for this audition. And I will swap "Voce di Donna" for "Stella del Marinar". I just have to memorize it. And memorize the Ulrica aria. And I will take out the Favorita aria even though I sing it well and replace it with "Dido's Lament" since they usually want something in English. I suppose Dido, as a classical figure, could be any age. Likewise Dalila, so I will keep "Mon Coeur" for now.
I will also try to add new things. There is an aria from Cilea's L'Arlesiana that he said might be nice for the "Viva Verismo" concert - which, BTW he is very excited about. And he said yes, I should get a score of Hamlet and work on Gertrude. I can maybe eventually add her aria "J'ai Peur" into my set.
The bad news is he is not going to sing the Requiem. He said it is too lyric for his voice. So he is going to see if he can find me someone. I have quite a lot of lead time.
First of all, Ulrica rocks! That low G is sort of a growl, but the rest of the piece sounds really really good. And despite it's being thought of as "contralto", other than that low G it is not a low piece and has quite a few sustained Gs and A flats. And as this is a new piece I have no bad muscle memories.
So my teacher said, yes, I should go to this audition. The man who played for our "Viva Verdi" concert is the pianist for that group, I think, so I wrote to him and asked him if he had any "inside scoop".
Also my teacher agreed that I should make my "top five" more age appropriate. I don't know if I will keep Ulrica in the batch but I will use it for this audition. And I will swap "Voce di Donna" for "Stella del Marinar". I just have to memorize it. And memorize the Ulrica aria. And I will take out the Favorita aria even though I sing it well and replace it with "Dido's Lament" since they usually want something in English. I suppose Dido, as a classical figure, could be any age. Likewise Dalila, so I will keep "Mon Coeur" for now.
I will also try to add new things. There is an aria from Cilea's L'Arlesiana that he said might be nice for the "Viva Verismo" concert - which, BTW he is very excited about. And he said yes, I should get a score of Hamlet and work on Gertrude. I can maybe eventually add her aria "J'ai Peur" into my set.
The bad news is he is not going to sing the Requiem. He said it is too lyric for his voice. So he is going to see if he can find me someone. I have quite a lot of lead time.
Synchronicity
Just as the breakthrough with my singing has held, the breakthrough with my spirit has held also.
The Artist's Way mentions the concept of syncronicity, which no matter how hard I try, I can't wrap my head around. Actually reading this Wikipedia entry has helped a little. In some ways it sounds a bit like New Age blather: if you ask the Universe for something and listen, it will appear.
I think what does happen is that if you become unconflicted about something, you are more likely to say "yes" to things along the way, which will bring you closer to your goal.
I am very happy about the relationship I have formed with the woman producing the September 11 concert. She is a highly trained professional classical singer, who is also a teacher and coach, but is not immersed in the world of aspiring opera singers in their 20s, 30s, and 40s who can sing, act, and talk circles around someone like me. She is probably about my age. So, for example, when I asked if I could produce a concert of opera scenes in the space in her apartment complex, she said yes, I could do it if she sponsored me, and that we could talk about it. So "Viva Verismo!" may have a home.
I also am really excited about some new music I discovered - songs by Jake Heggie set to poems by Sister Helen Prejean. Heggie wrote the opera Dead Man Walking which is about Sister Helen and a man who is executed for murder. One of the songs, "I Live My Life in Primary Colors", would be suitable for church, and another, "More is Required" might work for next year's September 11 concert, if I get asked back. And the songs have a flute accompaniment. And this woman knows a flutist and has performed a concert of songs for voice and flute. So who knows where that could lead?
This afternoon I have a voice lesson and will see how I sound singing Ulrica's aria. I don't know about the low G at the end. The rest of it should not be difficult. I have never sung it, but I have heard it numerous times. If not, I will wait for the next audition opportunity, and think about how/whether to make my aria package more age appropriate.
The Artist's Way mentions the concept of syncronicity, which no matter how hard I try, I can't wrap my head around. Actually reading this Wikipedia entry has helped a little. In some ways it sounds a bit like New Age blather: if you ask the Universe for something and listen, it will appear.
I think what does happen is that if you become unconflicted about something, you are more likely to say "yes" to things along the way, which will bring you closer to your goal.
I am very happy about the relationship I have formed with the woman producing the September 11 concert. She is a highly trained professional classical singer, who is also a teacher and coach, but is not immersed in the world of aspiring opera singers in their 20s, 30s, and 40s who can sing, act, and talk circles around someone like me. She is probably about my age. So, for example, when I asked if I could produce a concert of opera scenes in the space in her apartment complex, she said yes, I could do it if she sponsored me, and that we could talk about it. So "Viva Verismo!" may have a home.
I also am really excited about some new music I discovered - songs by Jake Heggie set to poems by Sister Helen Prejean. Heggie wrote the opera Dead Man Walking which is about Sister Helen and a man who is executed for murder. One of the songs, "I Live My Life in Primary Colors", would be suitable for church, and another, "More is Required" might work for next year's September 11 concert, if I get asked back. And the songs have a flute accompaniment. And this woman knows a flutist and has performed a concert of songs for voice and flute. So who knows where that could lead?
This afternoon I have a voice lesson and will see how I sound singing Ulrica's aria. I don't know about the low G at the end. The rest of it should not be difficult. I have never sung it, but I have heard it numerous times. If not, I will wait for the next audition opportunity, and think about how/whether to make my aria package more age appropriate.
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