Well, surprise, surprise!
Yesterday out of the blue I heard from the woman who had deleted my video(s) from her Youtube channel, and attached to her email was a link through which she "shared" one of the videos with me. Because of the format it was in, I was able to download it and save it on my computer hard drive and upload it to my own Youtube channel (which is pretty sparse in its offerings). I thanked her profusely.
Here's the bitter irony.
Over my two years or so of corresponding with LC, always deep from the heart and the gut - at her prompting; she sent me materials from her "Covenant Group" (a UU offshoot) that had word prompts that were supposed to lead to deep reflection and honest sharing - I (thinking she was someone I could trust) shared a lot of anger and resentment that I felt toward people in my life. With one exception, none of this anger and resentment constituted a deal-breaker, I just wanted to get things off my chest and LC appeared to be a willing listener. Having been trained as a counselor, I assumed that she could be adroit at changing the course of a "discussion" if something made her uncomfortable (or simply saying that she didn't want to talk about a particular thing, which would have been fine with me). Never in a million years did I assume that the things I said would make her angrier and angrier until one day she would tell me she never wanted me to communicate with her again. People with psychological savvy don't do those sorts of things, one would think. There are so many more subtle and less drastic ways to back off from a relationship that is becoming uncomfortable.
The bitter irony is that I am now back in touch (and happy to be so) with all the people I told LC I was angry with, because I vented about them to her (and perhaps one other friend), to my therapist, and in these "pages", but said little, if anything, to them themselves, although they all knew I was teed off. Much better than reading someone the riot act, or telling someone you can't tell them why you don't want them to communicate with you because it would be hurtful, which it is the same thing, really.
As I said, because I'm "talky", forbidding me to "talk" is the cruelest thing anyone can do if I've cared about them at all, or opened up to them the way I did with her. (It's like someone asking you to strip naked and then telling you how ugly you look, basically. If she had thought I had an "ugly" soul, wouldn't she have had an inkling of that long before she had to enjoin me from communicating with her?) I would rather have a screaming match, complete with insults, apologies, hugs, and tears. To me that's what intimacy is.
And as I've said about LC, I am astounded that she managed to raise four children, three of whom she is still in touch with, along with various ancillary relatives. To do that, you have to either "work through" conflict, or find a tactful way to back off. You can't just throw someone in the garbage and walk away smugly thinking you smell like a rose.
I have to say here that I don't "miss" her. All that navel-gazing that these email interchanges elicited was probably very bad for my mental health. It's that I feel angry and ripped off and I think "how dare someone do that to me?" And because she isn't part of the fabric of my life I have no one to commiserate with as in "oh, she'a a bitch. She behaved like that with me [or with so and so]; just write her off and get on with your life." I know she is estranged from one of her sons, and when she told me the circumstances, quoting herself, I can see why. He was talking during her grandson's (his nephew's) funeral and instead of just saying "shhh" and looking stern - what I would have done - she said in that smarmy way she has "Now would be a good time to be silent". So he was silent. He has never spoken to her again. I almost felt like writing to him (he has a Facebook account) but decided against it because I find his political views so odious. Of course her daughter is still a "friend" on Facebook but they live together, so I don't want to get into it with the daughter. But I have considered unfriending her (or at least unfollowing her) several times because every time she types something about "Mom" I want to either scream or throw up.
So as I said, the irony is that all the people I was angry at (mostly over last year's birthday) are now back in my life as friends, no hard feelings, even the woman whom I thought had deliberately deleted my video, and the woman I used as a confidante has dumped me.
I really wish I could just forget her. At the last Moon Circle we were each given an egg to smash on the ground and were told to have it symbolize something we wanted to let go of. So I imagined LC's smirking face. Wish it had worked, but it didn't.
Oh well, time heals all wounds.
And at my last lesson, I ended Trovatore on the best B flat I have ever sung.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Azucena Deconstructed
First, about the new color. I submitted my blog for some feedback, and one thing that was said was that the black background was not a good fit. So I am trying red. As a diva, there can never be too much red in my life, right?
Of course diddling around with anything techie makes me nervous, so I tend not to change things once that aspect is taken care of. Surprisingly, though, I am much better at handling technology that I think I am and am much better than most people my age. I installed Windows 10 by myself, for example. I think one issue is simply that I am not photographed very much and therefore have very few visuals to add here.
But now to the import of this post. I have a date to sing the Azucena scenes from Trovatore at the LGBT senior center on Monday October 17. I know what scenes I'm singing. I couldn't find a copy of the original play in English, so my teacher's wife can read from the libretto.
For all things Trovatore, go here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Il_trovatore
The amazing thing I discovered when telescoping the opera is that the entire romantic story between Leonora and Manrico can be removed and you've still got the story!! It's really about Azucena, her mother, the count who sentenced her mother to death, his brother, and Azucena's son (and which is which).
So I'm now wondering if the readings should fill the Leonora story in, or if it can just be omitted entirely and instead the readings will set the scene for what the audience will be hearing (like speaking the words to Ferrando's opening aria, for example).
In any event, I am really singing this very well, including the B flats. I thought the breakthrough in early 2015 was "it", but now I seem to have made another. I not only now can attack a B flat or a B natural off the cuff, I can do it full voice!! In my last two practices I sang two off the cuff B naturals that were truly O Don Fatale worthy! Is that in my future?
And when I started looking at Act 4 something interesting happened, which surprised me. Looking at all the opening recitative and imagining a woman sitting in a prison cell, knowing that she is going to be burned to death actually gave me the creeps. I mean I could actually feel what she was feeling. Now, OK, I know once I actually sing that music I can't do that (The Mentor once said "You are not supposed to feel anything; you are supposed to make the audience feel something") but it was interesting that I was that moved. I was not moved that way by the Act 2 music, probably because in that act she's having flashbacks not in terror about her own future. I was going to write that nothing like that had even happened to me when I was working on a role, but that of course is not true. If singing Dalila or Carmen always ended up making me horny, it makes sense that singing Azucena would take me to a very dark place, existentially. According to my teacher, she has PTSD from having spent her life in an intergenerational world of violence.
So now I'm all fired up!! (no pun intended) and am really looking forward to the next two months!!
Of course diddling around with anything techie makes me nervous, so I tend not to change things once that aspect is taken care of. Surprisingly, though, I am much better at handling technology that I think I am and am much better than most people my age. I installed Windows 10 by myself, for example. I think one issue is simply that I am not photographed very much and therefore have very few visuals to add here.
But now to the import of this post. I have a date to sing the Azucena scenes from Trovatore at the LGBT senior center on Monday October 17. I know what scenes I'm singing. I couldn't find a copy of the original play in English, so my teacher's wife can read from the libretto.
For all things Trovatore, go here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Il_trovatore
The amazing thing I discovered when telescoping the opera is that the entire romantic story between Leonora and Manrico can be removed and you've still got the story!! It's really about Azucena, her mother, the count who sentenced her mother to death, his brother, and Azucena's son (and which is which).
So I'm now wondering if the readings should fill the Leonora story in, or if it can just be omitted entirely and instead the readings will set the scene for what the audience will be hearing (like speaking the words to Ferrando's opening aria, for example).
In any event, I am really singing this very well, including the B flats. I thought the breakthrough in early 2015 was "it", but now I seem to have made another. I not only now can attack a B flat or a B natural off the cuff, I can do it full voice!! In my last two practices I sang two off the cuff B naturals that were truly O Don Fatale worthy! Is that in my future?
And when I started looking at Act 4 something interesting happened, which surprised me. Looking at all the opening recitative and imagining a woman sitting in a prison cell, knowing that she is going to be burned to death actually gave me the creeps. I mean I could actually feel what she was feeling. Now, OK, I know once I actually sing that music I can't do that (The Mentor once said "You are not supposed to feel anything; you are supposed to make the audience feel something") but it was interesting that I was that moved. I was not moved that way by the Act 2 music, probably because in that act she's having flashbacks not in terror about her own future. I was going to write that nothing like that had even happened to me when I was working on a role, but that of course is not true. If singing Dalila or Carmen always ended up making me horny, it makes sense that singing Azucena would take me to a very dark place, existentially. According to my teacher, she has PTSD from having spent her life in an intergenerational world of violence.
So now I'm all fired up!! (no pun intended) and am really looking forward to the next two months!!
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Values Voting
I guess this topic is particularly a propos in view of the current presidential campaign, but that's not what has prompted this post.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the "breakup" with LC. I am less hurt than left wary. How will I know, next time, if I confide in someone about how I am feeling, that they won't see that as a violation of their values in some way and decide to dump me because our correspondence isn't "working"? How can I trust anyone again?
I will have to say that this has never happened to me before. Friends and I have drifted apart. There have been people I have made a point of interacting less with, if I felt we didn't have much in common (not really true here) or if I found that the more I knew them the less I liked them, but letting go was a process, not a violent act. Slamming a door is a violent act.
My mother was a "values voter" and in fact, referring back to this post, all the ruptures between my mother and LC, and between my mother and her mother, were about values. My mother didn't like the fact that LC's mother appeared oblivious to the political situation in Greece or the fact that LC cruelly sent a shelter dog to its death (one she had claimed to be madly in love with) rather than mop up after it for a few more weeks or months. My mother "voted with her feet" to end other friendships over values as well. With one woman it was because she had voted for Reagan and read Commentary magazine. With another it was that she bought expensive shoes and didn't donate money to PBS.
I would like to think that I don't operate that way. To me, there is nothing more important than a friendship, and I only judge people based on how they treat me, or perhaps as well on how I see them treating others. I can't imagine totally cutting someone off because of what they say they think or how they say they feel. If I cry over a deleted video and LC cries over a mass shooting, that does not give her the moral high ground. Neither one of us has made the world a better (or a worse) place based on what triggers our tears.
Or maybe she didn't like that I referred to myself as "underprivileged". Yes, I know, context is everything, and that's why I scrape together money from time to time to give to the church food pantry. However underprivileged I feel living in a sea of highly paid professionals married to highly paid professionals who go away four and five times a year (or every weekend!), I have enough food and I have a (very nice) place to live. But why should someone else care how I want to benchmark myself? I could understand her being upset if I had been stingy with her in some way as a result of thinking that, but why was that any of her business? I think abruptly ending a friendship is much crueler than anything a person might opine (or not opine) about.
Maybe it's a UU thing. Even though I consider myself to be a UU (or more accurately, a nineteenth century Unitarian like Susan B. Anthony and Louisa May Alcott), I never cease to be amazed at their smarmy sanctimoniousness. In addition to dispensing with a lot of the "magical thinking" of Christianity (what I like about UUs), they also seem to have dispensed with the Christian notion of charity, not just toward the poor, but toward the "sinner". So if LC thinks I am shallow and selfish (I can't imagine what else it is that caused her to end our friendship that she doesn't want to tell me) shouldn't that be a reason for her to pity me and be charitable? (Only half said tongue in cheek.) And was my selfishness so egregious that she couldn't just say something like "We don't seem to be on the same page right now, so why don't we take a time out?"
What I said to her in my final response is true. I don't care if she doesn't like me as she is not a part of the fabric of my life. But I am angry. She got to dump me and feel self righteous and there's nothing I detest like self righteousness. Really good people don't talk about how good they are all the time.
And no one who has done all the things I have done for my partner in her declining years can be considered selfish. I have a clear conscience if nothing else.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the "breakup" with LC. I am less hurt than left wary. How will I know, next time, if I confide in someone about how I am feeling, that they won't see that as a violation of their values in some way and decide to dump me because our correspondence isn't "working"? How can I trust anyone again?
I will have to say that this has never happened to me before. Friends and I have drifted apart. There have been people I have made a point of interacting less with, if I felt we didn't have much in common (not really true here) or if I found that the more I knew them the less I liked them, but letting go was a process, not a violent act. Slamming a door is a violent act.
My mother was a "values voter" and in fact, referring back to this post, all the ruptures between my mother and LC, and between my mother and her mother, were about values. My mother didn't like the fact that LC's mother appeared oblivious to the political situation in Greece or the fact that LC cruelly sent a shelter dog to its death (one she had claimed to be madly in love with) rather than mop up after it for a few more weeks or months. My mother "voted with her feet" to end other friendships over values as well. With one woman it was because she had voted for Reagan and read Commentary magazine. With another it was that she bought expensive shoes and didn't donate money to PBS.
I would like to think that I don't operate that way. To me, there is nothing more important than a friendship, and I only judge people based on how they treat me, or perhaps as well on how I see them treating others. I can't imagine totally cutting someone off because of what they say they think or how they say they feel. If I cry over a deleted video and LC cries over a mass shooting, that does not give her the moral high ground. Neither one of us has made the world a better (or a worse) place based on what triggers our tears.
Or maybe she didn't like that I referred to myself as "underprivileged". Yes, I know, context is everything, and that's why I scrape together money from time to time to give to the church food pantry. However underprivileged I feel living in a sea of highly paid professionals married to highly paid professionals who go away four and five times a year (or every weekend!), I have enough food and I have a (very nice) place to live. But why should someone else care how I want to benchmark myself? I could understand her being upset if I had been stingy with her in some way as a result of thinking that, but why was that any of her business? I think abruptly ending a friendship is much crueler than anything a person might opine (or not opine) about.
Maybe it's a UU thing. Even though I consider myself to be a UU (or more accurately, a nineteenth century Unitarian like Susan B. Anthony and Louisa May Alcott), I never cease to be amazed at their smarmy sanctimoniousness. In addition to dispensing with a lot of the "magical thinking" of Christianity (what I like about UUs), they also seem to have dispensed with the Christian notion of charity, not just toward the poor, but toward the "sinner". So if LC thinks I am shallow and selfish (I can't imagine what else it is that caused her to end our friendship that she doesn't want to tell me) shouldn't that be a reason for her to pity me and be charitable? (Only half said tongue in cheek.) And was my selfishness so egregious that she couldn't just say something like "We don't seem to be on the same page right now, so why don't we take a time out?"
What I said to her in my final response is true. I don't care if she doesn't like me as she is not a part of the fabric of my life. But I am angry. She got to dump me and feel self righteous and there's nothing I detest like self righteousness. Really good people don't talk about how good they are all the time.
And no one who has done all the things I have done for my partner in her declining years can be considered selfish. I have a clear conscience if nothing else.
Monday, August 1, 2016
Concert
Overall, the concert went well. I sang well. Of course I wasn't singing anything all that vocally challenging other than the Handel. I made some (probably unnoticed) mistakes in the two most musically challenging pieces: the Jake Heggie/Sister Helen song "Love is" and "Evergreen".
The biggest distraction (other than the piano being out of tune, which I didn't know because my accompanist couldn't come with me on the day that I was looking at the room, and anyhow I couldn't get to the piano that afternoon because someone was plunking on it) was a woman with Alzheimers, probably a former singer, who, like a dog responding to a whistle, sang along with me every time I hit a "high" note (meaning an F or an F sharp). What she did, mostly, was sing the note an octave higher. She really got going with this during "Love is", which was unfortunate, because I was having enough trouble. She also did this all during "Mon Coeur", which annoyed some of my friends, but in that instance it didn't faze me because I could sing that aria in my sleep.
Several people sang along during the Gay 90s songs, which was fine, and my partner sang along during "Let Me Call You Sweetheart", which was what I wanted.
All the people who told me they were coming did come, and some have made videos, which they will get to me soon.
My teacher and his wife were there and he said he was "proud of me" for not letting the distraction of the woman singing break my concentration. He called me a "pro". And then started talking about Trovatore, which made me happy. He said he couldn't find a copy of the play in English that was reasonably priced (he found one online for $100) so he is going to see if he can find one in Italian and then his wife can translate it into English.
And before the concert started the whole room sang "Happy Birthday" to me because I had said that the concert was for my birthday.
So this was the special birthday I dreamed of, and it certainly makes up for last year.
The only fly in the ointment was I got an answer to my thank you note (in which I apologized for whatever I had said that had put her off) from LC that was incredibly smarmy. She said her two most important values were being honest and being kind, but that she didn't feel she could tell me why she didn't want me to write to her without being hurtful, so she wasn't going to say anything, Then she had the unmitigated gall to say she hoped we could part on good terms. I wasn't going to write back, but I didn't want her to think she had "won" that battle; saying in a high-handed tone that she wasn't going to say the unkind thing she was thinking and then saying she hoped we could part on good terms. I wrote three responses to her, each of which I deleted, before sending a final answer. I basically said that she had already been hurtful, that I really didn't care if she disliked me, as she is not an integral part of my life, but that no, she can't have her "cake and eat it too" and no, we are no longer on good terms. I felt that by encouraging me to do a lot of intimate sharing and then dumping me she had done a lot of damage. So she can sit with that. I deleted every email exchange we had had over the past two years, except for some Jacquie Lawson cards that she sent me, and of course I will keep the flowers. So now it's time to move on.
I had a good solid practice session singing through "Stride la Vampa" and "Condotta".
The biggest distraction (other than the piano being out of tune, which I didn't know because my accompanist couldn't come with me on the day that I was looking at the room, and anyhow I couldn't get to the piano that afternoon because someone was plunking on it) was a woman with Alzheimers, probably a former singer, who, like a dog responding to a whistle, sang along with me every time I hit a "high" note (meaning an F or an F sharp). What she did, mostly, was sing the note an octave higher. She really got going with this during "Love is", which was unfortunate, because I was having enough trouble. She also did this all during "Mon Coeur", which annoyed some of my friends, but in that instance it didn't faze me because I could sing that aria in my sleep.
Several people sang along during the Gay 90s songs, which was fine, and my partner sang along during "Let Me Call You Sweetheart", which was what I wanted.
All the people who told me they were coming did come, and some have made videos, which they will get to me soon.
My teacher and his wife were there and he said he was "proud of me" for not letting the distraction of the woman singing break my concentration. He called me a "pro". And then started talking about Trovatore, which made me happy. He said he couldn't find a copy of the play in English that was reasonably priced (he found one online for $100) so he is going to see if he can find one in Italian and then his wife can translate it into English.
And before the concert started the whole room sang "Happy Birthday" to me because I had said that the concert was for my birthday.
So this was the special birthday I dreamed of, and it certainly makes up for last year.
The only fly in the ointment was I got an answer to my thank you note (in which I apologized for whatever I had said that had put her off) from LC that was incredibly smarmy. She said her two most important values were being honest and being kind, but that she didn't feel she could tell me why she didn't want me to write to her without being hurtful, so she wasn't going to say anything, Then she had the unmitigated gall to say she hoped we could part on good terms. I wasn't going to write back, but I didn't want her to think she had "won" that battle; saying in a high-handed tone that she wasn't going to say the unkind thing she was thinking and then saying she hoped we could part on good terms. I wrote three responses to her, each of which I deleted, before sending a final answer. I basically said that she had already been hurtful, that I really didn't care if she disliked me, as she is not an integral part of my life, but that no, she can't have her "cake and eat it too" and no, we are no longer on good terms. I felt that by encouraging me to do a lot of intimate sharing and then dumping me she had done a lot of damage. So she can sit with that. I deleted every email exchange we had had over the past two years, except for some Jacquie Lawson cards that she sent me, and of course I will keep the flowers. So now it's time to move on.
I had a good solid practice session singing through "Stride la Vampa" and "Condotta".
Saturday, July 30, 2016
A Real Birthday
Well, what a difference from last year!
A friend of my mother's took us out to lunch (how different he is from, um, "clueless"; he inherited some money and said he feels he should use it to treat friends) and we had a lovely time.
And on the way home my partner bought me a big bouquet of red roses. That was in addition to the dress she bought, which I wore, and which she liked seeing me in.
And the two women whose birthday cards came back to them in the mail last year each sent me one, and one also sent a check, which she said could be for me and my partner to have a nice meal out.
LC, the woman who said she never wanted me to contact her again, sent me a bouquet of artificial flowers. I was totally surprised. She had said (when we were still speaking) that she was going to send me a bouquet for my birthday, but I had assumed she had become so "allergic" to me that she had totally cut me off. The flowers are beautiful. I don't care that they are not real. The note that came with them was telling, though. It began "BabyD" and ended "LC". No "dear" preceding my name and no "love" preceding hers. But I am happy she sent them. I don't care why she did. In fact, one of the "discussions" she and I had once was about whether it's a positive or a negative if someone does something because they think they "should". She thought it was a negative (we were talking about office birthday lunches, and coworkers getting together and sending sympathy cards). I said it was a positive. Even going to the trouble of doing something you think you "should" is considerate. Far too few people these days even do that.
In any event, I wrote back to LC saying that I had no idea what I had said or done that was so egregious that she enjoined me from communicating with her, but that whatever it was, I'm sorry. I mean I'm not sorry if she doesn't want me communicating with her because I am more concerned with my own problems than with national tragedies. There's nothing I can do about the big national tragedies, so what I do or don't feel versus what she does or doesn't feel is not relevant.
I did delete the blog post in which I said I hated her. I don't really. Hate is a strong word. I just think she's a hypocrite and very selfish. Also her level of lability (not in the sense of pathological mood lability but in the sense of being passionate about something one minute and wanting it out of your life the next) is not the behavior of a rational adult that I should have been trusting with personal confidences.
And "clueless" sent me a birthday card. I thanked her for it. I still think someone as rich as she is could make a better showing, but that's why I don't care if she's in my life or not. I refrained from saying anything angry to her; I simply said that I was putting on a recital to celebrate my birthday because I was heartbroken that I had no celebration on a milestone birthday when so many people are given the party, the trip, or the present of a lifetime, so I was putting on a recital. I told her I had been planning it for a year (true).
Now for the most important news: I did a little practicing and it basically went well. The Handel is still difficult, and after singing it in church (either once or twice) next month I will probably retire it.
It looks like a friend will make a video with her iPad and upload it to Youtube to post on Facebook.
That's really all I want for my birthday. Something to kvell over.
A friend of my mother's took us out to lunch (how different he is from, um, "clueless"; he inherited some money and said he feels he should use it to treat friends) and we had a lovely time.
And on the way home my partner bought me a big bouquet of red roses. That was in addition to the dress she bought, which I wore, and which she liked seeing me in.
And the two women whose birthday cards came back to them in the mail last year each sent me one, and one also sent a check, which she said could be for me and my partner to have a nice meal out.
LC, the woman who said she never wanted me to contact her again, sent me a bouquet of artificial flowers. I was totally surprised. She had said (when we were still speaking) that she was going to send me a bouquet for my birthday, but I had assumed she had become so "allergic" to me that she had totally cut me off. The flowers are beautiful. I don't care that they are not real. The note that came with them was telling, though. It began "BabyD" and ended "LC". No "dear" preceding my name and no "love" preceding hers. But I am happy she sent them. I don't care why she did. In fact, one of the "discussions" she and I had once was about whether it's a positive or a negative if someone does something because they think they "should". She thought it was a negative (we were talking about office birthday lunches, and coworkers getting together and sending sympathy cards). I said it was a positive. Even going to the trouble of doing something you think you "should" is considerate. Far too few people these days even do that.
In any event, I wrote back to LC saying that I had no idea what I had said or done that was so egregious that she enjoined me from communicating with her, but that whatever it was, I'm sorry. I mean I'm not sorry if she doesn't want me communicating with her because I am more concerned with my own problems than with national tragedies. There's nothing I can do about the big national tragedies, so what I do or don't feel versus what she does or doesn't feel is not relevant.
I did delete the blog post in which I said I hated her. I don't really. Hate is a strong word. I just think she's a hypocrite and very selfish. Also her level of lability (not in the sense of pathological mood lability but in the sense of being passionate about something one minute and wanting it out of your life the next) is not the behavior of a rational adult that I should have been trusting with personal confidences.
And "clueless" sent me a birthday card. I thanked her for it. I still think someone as rich as she is could make a better showing, but that's why I don't care if she's in my life or not. I refrained from saying anything angry to her; I simply said that I was putting on a recital to celebrate my birthday because I was heartbroken that I had no celebration on a milestone birthday when so many people are given the party, the trip, or the present of a lifetime, so I was putting on a recital. I told her I had been planning it for a year (true).
Now for the most important news: I did a little practicing and it basically went well. The Handel is still difficult, and after singing it in church (either once or twice) next month I will probably retire it.
It looks like a friend will make a video with her iPad and upload it to Youtube to post on Facebook.
That's really all I want for my birthday. Something to kvell over.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Old Foes Become New Friends (2)
Well, my concert music is going so well (I can't think of any "tweaking" that needs to be done at this point, other than making sure I am spot on with entrances in the Heggie pieces) that I didn't want to sing it at yesterday's lesson, so I sang through "Stride la Vampa" (which I don't think I'd sung in 35 years) and "Condotta" preferatory to my (tentative) planned Fall concert featuring Act 2 of Trovatore.
All I can say is "Wow"!
I can't believe that I actually know what to do with that B flat!!! For the past two years I have been doing an exercise consisting of a descending octave scale. For the previous eight years I could not do this above a high A natural, but then one day, something broke through that "gag reflex" and I started being able to do the exercise starting on a B flat, then starting on a B natural, and now I can even do it starting on a C!!! So I just sing "figlio avea bruciato" with the syllable "a" on a high A, then just chill while the tenor sings "Quale orror!" and vomit out that B flat. The point is that everything felt so much easier.
Posts are too numerous to link to, but if you read some of what I wrote in the Fall of 2011, you will see what a struggle I had with this aria. Now I think the whole thing is going to be fun. (Yes, the word "fun" is OK here; it's a melodrama, not a Requiem.)
Otherwise things are a bit shaky monetarily, but I'm optimistic. I got some more work (I'm hoping I can just earn enough to supplement my Social Security), I signed my new lease, and I should get my first Social Security payment a month from now. I got a birthday card from one of the people whose card came back to them in the mail last year and it was a big card covered with glitter; just my kind of thing.
Wish me luck for Sunday, although I am not nervous at all - other than wondering if my partner will be upset by my singing "Mon Coeur". If she is, I can tell her my teacher helped me plan the program. I put her (my partner's) name in the program as the title of one of the song sets, so I'm hoping she stays. I am going to go get her on the second verse of "Let Me Call You Sweetheart". I hope I don't cry.
And did I say I'm ending with "Home Sweet Home"? That was Joan Sutherland's favorite encore, and home is my and my partner's favorite subject.
All I can say is "Wow"!
I can't believe that I actually know what to do with that B flat!!! For the past two years I have been doing an exercise consisting of a descending octave scale. For the previous eight years I could not do this above a high A natural, but then one day, something broke through that "gag reflex" and I started being able to do the exercise starting on a B flat, then starting on a B natural, and now I can even do it starting on a C!!! So I just sing "figlio avea bruciato" with the syllable "a" on a high A, then just chill while the tenor sings "Quale orror!" and vomit out that B flat. The point is that everything felt so much easier.
Posts are too numerous to link to, but if you read some of what I wrote in the Fall of 2011, you will see what a struggle I had with this aria. Now I think the whole thing is going to be fun. (Yes, the word "fun" is OK here; it's a melodrama, not a Requiem.)
Otherwise things are a bit shaky monetarily, but I'm optimistic. I got some more work (I'm hoping I can just earn enough to supplement my Social Security), I signed my new lease, and I should get my first Social Security payment a month from now. I got a birthday card from one of the people whose card came back to them in the mail last year and it was a big card covered with glitter; just my kind of thing.
Wish me luck for Sunday, although I am not nervous at all - other than wondering if my partner will be upset by my singing "Mon Coeur". If she is, I can tell her my teacher helped me plan the program. I put her (my partner's) name in the program as the title of one of the song sets, so I'm hoping she stays. I am going to go get her on the second verse of "Let Me Call You Sweetheart". I hope I don't cry.
And did I say I'm ending with "Home Sweet Home"? That was Joan Sutherland's favorite encore, and home is my and my partner's favorite subject.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
On Wings of Song
Last night I had the first rehearsal for my birthday concert. It went really really well. The only pitfall is that I got tired in the middle of the next to the last piece "I Dreamt I Dwelt in Marble Halls" a lovely aria from Balfe's Bohemian Girl, which, although in a comfortable range, doesn't have many places to breathe. I am really not too worried, because in the actual concert I will only sing each piece once, and also the pianist will be playing in between some of the sets, And I gave her instructions about where to take a pause in the Balfe (in each verse) so that I can take a bigger breath than singing in strict time would allow.
The good news is that I had a really pleasant surprise with the Handel. I think I have figured out how to keep my voice "small" enough to sing the long ornamented runs, despite the fact that my voice is bigger. I just keep my mouth small (what wind players call a small "embouchure") so that the notes are not "all over the place". I also figured out some better places to breathe. I seem to have to breathe somewhere, so I am going to do it toward the end of each run when I'm in one of the low passages. If there is a low E or F (I'm talking about the notes at the bottom of the staff) that I don't sing no one will notice.
But most of all, I just want to note that I just had a wonderful time. The kind of time I used to dream of having and now have more often than not, where things are working technically and I can just let my voice soar and think (or in between pieces, talk) about the music.
I have one more rehearsal and then that's it. I hope it goes well. I hope my partner can come (she has been told not to go outside for the duration of this five day heat wave).
The only fly in the ointment is I have a bad stye (again) and now have to go to the eye doctor in Brooklyn tomorrow. It looks horrible. I'm hoping it will subside enough not to show by a week from Sunday.
Now I'm going to run the program (with the spoken dialogue and breaks for the pianist).
The good news is that I had a really pleasant surprise with the Handel. I think I have figured out how to keep my voice "small" enough to sing the long ornamented runs, despite the fact that my voice is bigger. I just keep my mouth small (what wind players call a small "embouchure") so that the notes are not "all over the place". I also figured out some better places to breathe. I seem to have to breathe somewhere, so I am going to do it toward the end of each run when I'm in one of the low passages. If there is a low E or F (I'm talking about the notes at the bottom of the staff) that I don't sing no one will notice.
But most of all, I just want to note that I just had a wonderful time. The kind of time I used to dream of having and now have more often than not, where things are working technically and I can just let my voice soar and think (or in between pieces, talk) about the music.
I have one more rehearsal and then that's it. I hope it goes well. I hope my partner can come (she has been told not to go outside for the duration of this five day heat wave).
The only fly in the ointment is I have a bad stye (again) and now have to go to the eye doctor in Brooklyn tomorrow. It looks horrible. I'm hoping it will subside enough not to show by a week from Sunday.
Now I'm going to run the program (with the spoken dialogue and breaks for the pianist).
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