My partner is home from the hospital, where she was rushed last week after becoming septic, most likely from a cat bite. Our cat Darby, whom she adores, and who has slept on her bed throughout the latest phase of her decline, bit her when she kicked him in her sleep because he had been playing with her toes. Twenty-four hours later she had a fever of 103 and was semi-conscious. The aide called 911. She was in the ER for almost 48 hours, then in a bed for the next three days. They gave her about 10 bags of antibiotics plus some pills to take home.
Despite not having a diagnosis (her heart disease is controlled with medication), she is fading. Basically, all the symptoms she has are those of someone dying of what used to be called "old age". This article, which I found by doing a Google search, bears this out. I don't know how long she has left. No doctor has said that she has six months or less, and that therefore she should be in hospice. On other other hand, pain is not her problem. Lack of a life force is. Here is a list of what is happening now.
1. She never gets out of bed. She refuses all attempts at physical therapy that involve trying to walk, even though she had been able to do this in March in the nursing home.
2. She eats very little. Every passing week she eats less. Now mostly she just drinks Ensure, eats ice cream, and drinks milk and water. She refuses meals that she once liked. (I have told the aides that if she refuses food she has to have a bottle of Ensure.)
3. She sleeps most of the time.
4. She is confused about the time of day, what day it is, and when I am coming, although she knows me and all other people she has contact with.
5. She has lost interest in most things other than snuggling, her own body, ice cream, and cute programs about animals on tv.
6. Her hands are cold.
I can't be with her all the time but I want to be with her more than I used to. I have to work 20 hours a week and want to sing (more on that later - that's the "optimism" part) but I don't want her to die without me there. A friend who has watched several people die said that as the actual time approaches I will know. Then I will take both cats (I couldn't bring Darby back to her house when she came back from the hospital) to her house along with all my blood pressure medicines and just stay there. I stayed with my mother when I thought she was dying, which was 48 hours before she died.
I don't think she is suffering.
As for the optimism, it is ironic that I keep singing better and better (my voice keeps getting bigger and the high - and low - notes keep getting easier) but am no longer interested in all that heavy 19th Century Italian music.
My teacher and I are going to put on a concert on October 1. As the piano where it will be is out of tune (or was last year) we are not doing a lot of opera anyhow. We were going to do the duet from La Gioconda but he said he feels that it is too high for him now, so we will do the duet from Samson et Dalila that precedes "Mon Coeur" and then I will just sing "Mon Coeur".
We also talked about some mezzo and baritone duets from the French repertoire. I might enjoy doing those so we might do a Shakespeare-themed concert next Spring. I would love to do the duet with Gertrude and Hamlet from the Ambroise Thomas opera and then we might do the Henry VIII-Anne Boleyn duet from Saint Saens' Henry VIII, which is based on the Shakespeare play. And we could end with something from West Side Story.
So life goes on.....
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Obit
Sadly, I have to report that the man I referenced here has now died.
I have so many mixed feelings.
Why him and not me? How did he live such that his life had so many blessings? Talent well used, an ability to form healthy relationships, home-making skills.
I have none of those things and I am still here. I didn't know whether to beam, cry, or rage with envy when I read his wife's FB tribute. I don't want to recap it all here, as it went into a great deal of detail and also I want to respect their privacy. But this struck a note.
We encouraged each other and complimented each other. We had very different brains, talents and character defects, but we genuinely loved and respected each other.
A lot of this is relevant because I am shepherding someone through the end of life. Of course much is different. He was a man in his 50s who was dying of a terminal illness and was in hospice. My partner is going to be 83 next month and is bedridden but not "ill". Whatever else I complain about, I feel blessed to have this time with her.
Did we encourage each other? Probably no. We clung to each other and she, particularly, felt threatened by any venturing forth on the part of the other. I had to fight, literally, like a tiger, for any scrap of independence I had. Now it's easier because she's too out of it to make demands. She can't tell me "you can't go to the Met unless you go with me" because she doesn't go anywhere. So yes, I will go out with friends. She has accepted that I must sing, not just in church.
And yet we have always loved each other, passionately and desperately. My greatest joy in life is to lie curled up by her side watching tv, or to hold her little hand.
I suppose the man who died, and his wife, were just enough younger than me (and the fact that this was his third marriage, and they both came to it as people, not children says something) that he was able to have a relationship with less teenage (or less 1950s/1960s) baggage. You know - stand by your man (or your butch beau) and the worse he treats you the more brownie points you get, because of course, life is supposed to be like a rock song - or an opera. I partnered when I was an age that is now not even considered adult (25) during a decade when the most important thing for a woman was to "please" a partner, not to be a person. Now people develop selves first, partner later.
And of course I always envied how proud he was of his daughter, as I wrote several years ago. Another example of a healthy relationship. My mother was never proud of me that way: she alternated between mercilessly criticizing me and taking any of my accomplishments (certainly if they involved writing) to be her own.
I have spent the past, God knows, 8 years (since I left the full-time work force) trying to make a rich, vibrant, fulfilling life for myself and not much has come of it. Something has come of it, yes. I keep singing better and better. I realize I will never do anything I even like for a living, but that I can do many things that I like. I can write. I have discovered that I enjoy helping children with language skills. I can live on very little money. I don't have to travel. I don't have the money or the energy to turn this overstuffed British spinster style studio apartment into a "middle class home" (read shovel everything out, even temporarily, and have the floors sanded and waxed and the walls painted, not to mention keeping the dining table looking like a dining table instead of a place to keep my electronic keyboard) but I try to say that this does not mean that I have "failed" at being an adult.
Love is love whether you share erudite conversation at a dinner table with a tablecloth or hunker down in front of the tv with sandwiches on paper plates. I don't believe this man's widow loved him any more than I love my partner because they lived in nice surroundings and spoke to each other like adult friends instead of like squabbling teenagers madly in love who don't get along.
Most precious of all was the fact that his last words to her were "I love you". If I can have that too, that is really all I have a right to ask for.
I have so many mixed feelings.
Why him and not me? How did he live such that his life had so many blessings? Talent well used, an ability to form healthy relationships, home-making skills.
I have none of those things and I am still here. I didn't know whether to beam, cry, or rage with envy when I read his wife's FB tribute. I don't want to recap it all here, as it went into a great deal of detail and also I want to respect their privacy. But this struck a note.
We encouraged each other and complimented each other. We had very different brains, talents and character defects, but we genuinely loved and respected each other.
A lot of this is relevant because I am shepherding someone through the end of life. Of course much is different. He was a man in his 50s who was dying of a terminal illness and was in hospice. My partner is going to be 83 next month and is bedridden but not "ill". Whatever else I complain about, I feel blessed to have this time with her.
Did we encourage each other? Probably no. We clung to each other and she, particularly, felt threatened by any venturing forth on the part of the other. I had to fight, literally, like a tiger, for any scrap of independence I had. Now it's easier because she's too out of it to make demands. She can't tell me "you can't go to the Met unless you go with me" because she doesn't go anywhere. So yes, I will go out with friends. She has accepted that I must sing, not just in church.
And yet we have always loved each other, passionately and desperately. My greatest joy in life is to lie curled up by her side watching tv, or to hold her little hand.
I suppose the man who died, and his wife, were just enough younger than me (and the fact that this was his third marriage, and they both came to it as people, not children says something) that he was able to have a relationship with less teenage (or less 1950s/1960s) baggage. You know - stand by your man (or your butch beau) and the worse he treats you the more brownie points you get, because of course, life is supposed to be like a rock song - or an opera. I partnered when I was an age that is now not even considered adult (25) during a decade when the most important thing for a woman was to "please" a partner, not to be a person. Now people develop selves first, partner later.
And of course I always envied how proud he was of his daughter, as I wrote several years ago. Another example of a healthy relationship. My mother was never proud of me that way: she alternated between mercilessly criticizing me and taking any of my accomplishments (certainly if they involved writing) to be her own.
I have spent the past, God knows, 8 years (since I left the full-time work force) trying to make a rich, vibrant, fulfilling life for myself and not much has come of it. Something has come of it, yes. I keep singing better and better. I realize I will never do anything I even like for a living, but that I can do many things that I like. I can write. I have discovered that I enjoy helping children with language skills. I can live on very little money. I don't have to travel. I don't have the money or the energy to turn this overstuffed British spinster style studio apartment into a "middle class home" (read shovel everything out, even temporarily, and have the floors sanded and waxed and the walls painted, not to mention keeping the dining table looking like a dining table instead of a place to keep my electronic keyboard) but I try to say that this does not mean that I have "failed" at being an adult.
Love is love whether you share erudite conversation at a dinner table with a tablecloth or hunker down in front of the tv with sandwiches on paper plates. I don't believe this man's widow loved him any more than I love my partner because they lived in nice surroundings and spoke to each other like adult friends instead of like squabbling teenagers madly in love who don't get along.
Most precious of all was the fact that his last words to her were "I love you". If I can have that too, that is really all I have a right to ask for.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Just an Update
I called Amsterdam House (the nursing home where my partner had been, which has a beautiful room with a piano) and they said they were totally booked for concerts in 2017. I said I would like to book something for the Spring of 2018. They said that they weren't taking bookings yet - to wait until the Fall, then call, although the man who coordinates all this took my phone number.
When I told my teacher, he said, no, I shouldn't wait that long, that I should call the nursing home where I put on my birthday concert. I was hesitant to do that because the piano was out of tune, but my teacher said it didn't really matter. He had been to that concert and hadn't been disturbed by the piano. So I emailed them and now have a date to sing on October 1. I will use my birthday concert as a template, but will remove some pieces so that my teacher and I can sing a duet and he can sing an aria and a few songs.
I can't believe I am saying this, but finally after 12 years, I am bored with both the "Habanera" and "Mon Coeur". I am going to sing the "Drinking Song" from Lucrezia Borgia. My teacher and I will sing the love duet from La Gioconda. The last time I sang that was with The Mentor. The point here is to focus on material that is upbeat. I will of course sing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart", "I Dreamt I Dwelt" and "Home Sweet Home". We will then decide the rest.
I can't believe I am saying this either, but I think I've reached the point where I'm bored by the heavy Verdi and verismo pieces. I am just not in the mood for anything heavy right now. My teacher said this is because my life has been sad and stressful. This does not mean, however, that I am going into vocal retreat!! My upper register continues to be easier and easier (although my teacher said I don't need to vocalize above a B most of the time) and I intend to tackle some new difficult pieces ("Tanti Affetti" from Donna del Lago comes to mind) just to see if I can do them. That has numerous B flats but most of them are in elaborate coloratura passages which is something I am good at.
We are almost out of the woods with my partner and her health issues. We are settled with the managed care company. She will continue to have 24/7 home care, but not the split shifts. It will be three different people sleeping in. We will have two of the people we already have, and then will have to find someone new for Tuesday-Thursday because the woman who has been with my partner in the daytime on those days does not want to sleep in. There are still problems with her landlord not accepting the checks I write on the Supplemental Needs Trust bank account but I think those may be on the way to being settled.
Now I am off to sing an 8 part "country" piece to welcome our new pastor. I am a little nervous because it will be my first time singing the second soprano part with the first soprano part.
When I told my teacher, he said, no, I shouldn't wait that long, that I should call the nursing home where I put on my birthday concert. I was hesitant to do that because the piano was out of tune, but my teacher said it didn't really matter. He had been to that concert and hadn't been disturbed by the piano. So I emailed them and now have a date to sing on October 1. I will use my birthday concert as a template, but will remove some pieces so that my teacher and I can sing a duet and he can sing an aria and a few songs.
I can't believe I am saying this, but finally after 12 years, I am bored with both the "Habanera" and "Mon Coeur". I am going to sing the "Drinking Song" from Lucrezia Borgia. My teacher and I will sing the love duet from La Gioconda. The last time I sang that was with The Mentor. The point here is to focus on material that is upbeat. I will of course sing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart", "I Dreamt I Dwelt" and "Home Sweet Home". We will then decide the rest.
I can't believe I am saying this either, but I think I've reached the point where I'm bored by the heavy Verdi and verismo pieces. I am just not in the mood for anything heavy right now. My teacher said this is because my life has been sad and stressful. This does not mean, however, that I am going into vocal retreat!! My upper register continues to be easier and easier (although my teacher said I don't need to vocalize above a B most of the time) and I intend to tackle some new difficult pieces ("Tanti Affetti" from Donna del Lago comes to mind) just to see if I can do them. That has numerous B flats but most of them are in elaborate coloratura passages which is something I am good at.
We are almost out of the woods with my partner and her health issues. We are settled with the managed care company. She will continue to have 24/7 home care, but not the split shifts. It will be three different people sleeping in. We will have two of the people we already have, and then will have to find someone new for Tuesday-Thursday because the woman who has been with my partner in the daytime on those days does not want to sleep in. There are still problems with her landlord not accepting the checks I write on the Supplemental Needs Trust bank account but I think those may be on the way to being settled.
Now I am off to sing an 8 part "country" piece to welcome our new pastor. I am a little nervous because it will be my first time singing the second soprano part with the first soprano part.
Monday, April 17, 2017
Holy Week Wrap Up
This year's Holy Week went pretty well for me.
I had a solo on Maundy Thursday, "Qui Sedes ad Dextram Patris" from the Bach B Minor Mass. The church sexton made a cell phone video of it. He does a terrific job with these. A few weeks ago he made one of the choir singing a piece for Palm Sunday. This is probably the best video I have of myself singing because he shot me facing front instead of in profile. I look much better head on than in profile. Also because the piece was in a lower register and I was not nervous about my support and did not have to constantly think about vocal technique, I looked more composed.
On Good Friday the choir sang a variety of different pieces using the text of Jesus's last words, by Bach, Mendelssohn, Haydn, Franck, Gounod, and others. I sang the alto line in a solo quartet that was part of the Haydn piece. I thought overall the service went well. I always find it very moving to participate in this service even though I am not Christian. It is a magical piece of sacred theater and you won't find anything that gripping in a UU church, I can tell you.
Easter Sunday we sang an anthem and the "Hallelujah Chorus". I think the soprano part in the "Hallelujah Chorus" is absolutely the hardest thing I ever have to sing; much harder than "Rejoice Greatly". Anyhow, this time I bailed and sang the alto part because we sang it at the end of the service rather than at the beginning and by then I was too tired to sing the soprano part. It meant I would have had to sing it after being "shabbas goy" for all the communion hymns. If I have to sing a difficult soprano part I usually don't sing the hymns but I have to sing the communion hymns (which usually come after the anthem) because the choir people don't sing if they're taking communion (or even afterwards). I did find the alto part easier to sing than in the past because that lower middle part of my voice that goes through the passaggio is stronger than it used to be. I just don't want to be stuck in the alto section permanently (that's why I'm happy we sing pieces with divisi so I can sing second soprano) not because I don't like singing low, but because alto parts have a much shorter range than soprano parts. Some soprano parts go low, but alto parts never go high. So it's like going to a gym and only exercising half my body.
In other news, today a nurse from a managed long-term care company came to interview me and my partner. She is now approved for 24 hour care, but it will be sleep in care. That is fine, the only problem is that it means we will lose the aides we have because they work split shifts and I don't think the day people (whom we really like) are available for sleep in.
I also am nervous because we were told originally that our arrangement with the city ends April 30, but now we are told that the arrangement with the managed care company won't start until June 1. My partner can't be left in the lurch for a whole month and there is not money to pay anyone.
I had a solo on Maundy Thursday, "Qui Sedes ad Dextram Patris" from the Bach B Minor Mass. The church sexton made a cell phone video of it. He does a terrific job with these. A few weeks ago he made one of the choir singing a piece for Palm Sunday. This is probably the best video I have of myself singing because he shot me facing front instead of in profile. I look much better head on than in profile. Also because the piece was in a lower register and I was not nervous about my support and did not have to constantly think about vocal technique, I looked more composed.
On Good Friday the choir sang a variety of different pieces using the text of Jesus's last words, by Bach, Mendelssohn, Haydn, Franck, Gounod, and others. I sang the alto line in a solo quartet that was part of the Haydn piece. I thought overall the service went well. I always find it very moving to participate in this service even though I am not Christian. It is a magical piece of sacred theater and you won't find anything that gripping in a UU church, I can tell you.
Easter Sunday we sang an anthem and the "Hallelujah Chorus". I think the soprano part in the "Hallelujah Chorus" is absolutely the hardest thing I ever have to sing; much harder than "Rejoice Greatly". Anyhow, this time I bailed and sang the alto part because we sang it at the end of the service rather than at the beginning and by then I was too tired to sing the soprano part. It meant I would have had to sing it after being "shabbas goy" for all the communion hymns. If I have to sing a difficult soprano part I usually don't sing the hymns but I have to sing the communion hymns (which usually come after the anthem) because the choir people don't sing if they're taking communion (or even afterwards). I did find the alto part easier to sing than in the past because that lower middle part of my voice that goes through the passaggio is stronger than it used to be. I just don't want to be stuck in the alto section permanently (that's why I'm happy we sing pieces with divisi so I can sing second soprano) not because I don't like singing low, but because alto parts have a much shorter range than soprano parts. Some soprano parts go low, but alto parts never go high. So it's like going to a gym and only exercising half my body.
In other news, today a nurse from a managed long-term care company came to interview me and my partner. She is now approved for 24 hour care, but it will be sleep in care. That is fine, the only problem is that it means we will lose the aides we have because they work split shifts and I don't think the day people (whom we really like) are available for sleep in.
I also am nervous because we were told originally that our arrangement with the city ends April 30, but now we are told that the arrangement with the managed care company won't start until June 1. My partner can't be left in the lurch for a whole month and there is not money to pay anyone.
Sunday, April 2, 2017
Pre-Obit
And I hope the real obit doesn't have to be written for a long time.
I just found out that someone I have known online for over a decade (and hence know quite a bit about) has inoperable cancer and is in a hospice setup in his home.
My relationship with this man has been unusual. The most important thing in all this is that he was the person responsible for my deciding to look for a Lutheran church to sing in. He has been a choir director (a rather snooty one - we have had our arguments over my being offended by some of his disparaging comments about amateur choirs, not to mention my sense that he would never have considered me good enough to sing in one of his paid choirs), and, therefore, over a decade ago now, I asked him where to find a choir that might be interested in me.
After I left the Unitarian church where I was "discovered" (I needed to get away from The Mentor and anyhow they had scrapped most of the classical music) I tried auditioning for the only Unitarian church that does have classical music, which rejected me because I did not know how to sing "straight tone". I also do not sightread very well although I managed to pass their sight reading test.
My friend suggested that I might have better luck with Lutheran choirs. That they preferred bigger voices, did not sing much of a repertoire requiring straight tone, and, as most of them were all volunteer, did not expect people to sightread perfectly.
Which is how I ended up where I am.
Over the past decade I have followed this man's life through Facebook posts and a blog community I used to belong to, and was aware that he was one of the myriad people I know (in real life or not) who had three things that I have always longed for and will probably never have: a successful career in music (I'd actually be happy to have had a successful career in anything), a spouse (he's had several) who was a partner and helpmeet rather than the high-maintenance "project" that my loved one has always been, and a nice "grownup" looking living space.
As I felt with the voice coach I referenced here http://babydramatic.blogspot.com/2014/08/in-memoriam.html , here is a person with everything to live for, so why is he leaving us (whenever that may be) and I am still here? I suppose I am still here because my partner needs me. I have no family, did nothing to "write home about" with any of my talents, and have few close friends.
I remember once this man wrote to me about how much he admired me for something (it was something private, so I don't want to write about it here) and I was absolutely nonplussed. This is something that I did over 40 years ago, that I basically take for granted. I may have thought of it as something to admire in the early subsequent years, but certainly not now. It didn't garner me much. Whatever I did after that watershed was basically too little too late.
I doubt that man will read this, but if he does, I want him to know that he is in my prayers.
In other news, we are approaching the final (!) hurdle with my partner's care. A nurse came from the city and certified her for 24/7 care (she was given a score of 23 out of 32, the higher the number, the more care you need). Now we just have to wait for a nurse from a long-term managed care company (we have selected which one) to see her and complete the paperwork. We are not out of the woods yet and I am still nervous because our current setup expires April 30.
And finally, a bit of naval gazing (if I now have time for that again, things must be better in an odd way). I realized that the demographic I am most envious of are the Gen Xrs. Not Millennials - I see a lot of them having a very hard time. Of course I am speaking of white, middle class-born women. These women married later, were choosier about partners, expected to have careers, and got along with their parents for the most part. I had said in the past that I felt that these women were more apt to put education and careers before relationships and marry for money (or at least with the income of the partner being a factor), but really I think the two things these women always had that women of my generation didn't was being in an environment where being smart and doing well in school was "cool", and believing that adults (particularly their parents) were a support system that it was OK to use, not "the enemy". Of course I (and many women I know who are my age) made a mess of things. We alienated ourselves from adults and latched onto the first sexual partner we could find as a support system instead.
Thinking about the man who is dying, I of course contemplate my own mortality. I hope I don't die before I do something big with one or more of my talents, which I certainly have not done up to this point. Maybe my partner and I will die together holding hands and what I did or didn't achieve won't matter. That would be nice.
I just found out that someone I have known online for over a decade (and hence know quite a bit about) has inoperable cancer and is in a hospice setup in his home.
My relationship with this man has been unusual. The most important thing in all this is that he was the person responsible for my deciding to look for a Lutheran church to sing in. He has been a choir director (a rather snooty one - we have had our arguments over my being offended by some of his disparaging comments about amateur choirs, not to mention my sense that he would never have considered me good enough to sing in one of his paid choirs), and, therefore, over a decade ago now, I asked him where to find a choir that might be interested in me.
After I left the Unitarian church where I was "discovered" (I needed to get away from The Mentor and anyhow they had scrapped most of the classical music) I tried auditioning for the only Unitarian church that does have classical music, which rejected me because I did not know how to sing "straight tone". I also do not sightread very well although I managed to pass their sight reading test.
My friend suggested that I might have better luck with Lutheran choirs. That they preferred bigger voices, did not sing much of a repertoire requiring straight tone, and, as most of them were all volunteer, did not expect people to sightread perfectly.
Which is how I ended up where I am.
Over the past decade I have followed this man's life through Facebook posts and a blog community I used to belong to, and was aware that he was one of the myriad people I know (in real life or not) who had three things that I have always longed for and will probably never have: a successful career in music (I'd actually be happy to have had a successful career in anything), a spouse (he's had several) who was a partner and helpmeet rather than the high-maintenance "project" that my loved one has always been, and a nice "grownup" looking living space.
As I felt with the voice coach I referenced here http://babydramatic.blogspot.com/2014/08/in-memoriam.html , here is a person with everything to live for, so why is he leaving us (whenever that may be) and I am still here? I suppose I am still here because my partner needs me. I have no family, did nothing to "write home about" with any of my talents, and have few close friends.
I remember once this man wrote to me about how much he admired me for something (it was something private, so I don't want to write about it here) and I was absolutely nonplussed. This is something that I did over 40 years ago, that I basically take for granted. I may have thought of it as something to admire in the early subsequent years, but certainly not now. It didn't garner me much. Whatever I did after that watershed was basically too little too late.
I doubt that man will read this, but if he does, I want him to know that he is in my prayers.
In other news, we are approaching the final (!) hurdle with my partner's care. A nurse came from the city and certified her for 24/7 care (she was given a score of 23 out of 32, the higher the number, the more care you need). Now we just have to wait for a nurse from a long-term managed care company (we have selected which one) to see her and complete the paperwork. We are not out of the woods yet and I am still nervous because our current setup expires April 30.
And finally, a bit of naval gazing (if I now have time for that again, things must be better in an odd way). I realized that the demographic I am most envious of are the Gen Xrs. Not Millennials - I see a lot of them having a very hard time. Of course I am speaking of white, middle class-born women. These women married later, were choosier about partners, expected to have careers, and got along with their parents for the most part. I had said in the past that I felt that these women were more apt to put education and careers before relationships and marry for money (or at least with the income of the partner being a factor), but really I think the two things these women always had that women of my generation didn't was being in an environment where being smart and doing well in school was "cool", and believing that adults (particularly their parents) were a support system that it was OK to use, not "the enemy". Of course I (and many women I know who are my age) made a mess of things. We alienated ourselves from adults and latched onto the first sexual partner we could find as a support system instead.
Thinking about the man who is dying, I of course contemplate my own mortality. I hope I don't die before I do something big with one or more of my talents, which I certainly have not done up to this point. Maybe my partner and I will die together holding hands and what I did or didn't achieve won't matter. That would be nice.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
I'm Still Here
I am not sure where things left off...
My partner is now home. She has a rota of aides from an agency, paid for by Medicaid. They are all experienced and take good care of her.
Somewhere during the time she was in the nursing home in Queens my laptop died. I now have a new one but it took 10 days to get someone to come to the house to set it up. I am still fumbling a bit with the new touch pad, and had a few glitches (I was told that they are common glitches in the new version of Windows 10), but now know (I think) how to handle them.
I need to make work a priority for the rest of March.
I still managed to practice every day. I am singing "Qui Sedes ad Dextram Patris" from the Bach B Minor Mass on Maundy Thursday and will have the alto solo line in a piece by Haydn (which I have not seen) for Good Friday.
I have let my opera repertoire lapse, except for singing through the Enzo and Laura duet from Gioconda because if I do a concert with my teacher (it will be based on the material from my birthday concert with some additions and deletions) that would be a nice upbeat bit of opera to include.
I vocalize up to a high C several times a week and my technical progress has held.
Right now the most important thing is making the end of my partner's life as happy as possible. Devoting oneself to a human life rather than a career or other personal goals does not make one a loser and it does not matter whether the person "deserves" this or not. That is my bit of wisdom for 2017. Why shouldn't I devote my time to caring for her? As long as I can do some singing and enough editing to supplement my Social Security. It is unlikely that I would devote myself to trying to have an "encore career" (in the sense of finding something to doooo for a living that I just loooove) whether I were taking care of her or not, so maybe it is time to stop beating myself with that. There are many things I love to do, so I can just treat working for a living as a necessary evil (as generations did before me) and move on.
I probably won't write as much as I used to. Regardless of how many hardships I have had lately, I am a lot less bored and hence have a lot less "existential distress".
My partner is now home. She has a rota of aides from an agency, paid for by Medicaid. They are all experienced and take good care of her.
Somewhere during the time she was in the nursing home in Queens my laptop died. I now have a new one but it took 10 days to get someone to come to the house to set it up. I am still fumbling a bit with the new touch pad, and had a few glitches (I was told that they are common glitches in the new version of Windows 10), but now know (I think) how to handle them.
I need to make work a priority for the rest of March.
I still managed to practice every day. I am singing "Qui Sedes ad Dextram Patris" from the Bach B Minor Mass on Maundy Thursday and will have the alto solo line in a piece by Haydn (which I have not seen) for Good Friday.
I have let my opera repertoire lapse, except for singing through the Enzo and Laura duet from Gioconda because if I do a concert with my teacher (it will be based on the material from my birthday concert with some additions and deletions) that would be a nice upbeat bit of opera to include.
I vocalize up to a high C several times a week and my technical progress has held.
Right now the most important thing is making the end of my partner's life as happy as possible. Devoting oneself to a human life rather than a career or other personal goals does not make one a loser and it does not matter whether the person "deserves" this or not. That is my bit of wisdom for 2017. Why shouldn't I devote my time to caring for her? As long as I can do some singing and enough editing to supplement my Social Security. It is unlikely that I would devote myself to trying to have an "encore career" (in the sense of finding something to doooo for a living that I just loooove) whether I were taking care of her or not, so maybe it is time to stop beating myself with that. There are many things I love to do, so I can just treat working for a living as a necessary evil (as generations did before me) and move on.
I probably won't write as much as I used to. Regardless of how many hardships I have had lately, I am a lot less bored and hence have a lot less "existential distress".
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Miles to Go Still: But Maybe Some Music in the Future
My partner now has Medicaid (it's what's called "Community Medicaid") however no nurse assessment has been forthcoming.
I used up almost all her discretionary income paying the private aide and then raised $2000 on GoFundMe which paid for the last 8 days (she is currently in a nursing home in Queens). I was tearfully astounded at how many people contributed to the campaign. This touches on my seemingly contradictory statements that I have no close friends but do have a social life (someone accused me of "arguing" when I said both those things at different times and I was quite surprised that she did not understand that "close friends" and "a social life" are not synonymous).
So many people (I know) do care about me and are able to provide sympathy, advice (if I want it), a hug, even money, but no one has time. I am not a priority with anyone. I have no "in case of emergency please notify". Everyone is busy with their jobs, family, family-related travel, or travel for pleasure. A point of comparison is that over 20 people gave money to the campaign, but only two people provided helping hands, and this over a period of now five months.
How things got to where they are now, is that my partner began acting oddly (the aide said she had Alzheimers) and was very listless, so we had a doctor come to the house and he said she needed to go to the ER. She was discharged after 48 hours and not formally admitted, so she could not go back to the nursing home on the Upper West Side where she had been. They wanted to send her home, despite her lack of money for home care, but I screamed and sobbed, so finally they found a spot for her in a nursing home in Queens. Yesterday I heard from the home care agency. I hope they come evaluate her and she can come home with help. She can't stay in the nursing home in Queens (it takes me two hours to get there and two hours to get back, and there's noplace to buy anything decent for lunch) and anyhow, she can't transition onto "nursing home Medicaid" yet (I don't want to say too much about that in a public blog). My long-term plan is for her to go home, and then if she has another medical crisis, for me to find a way to get her back into the nursing home on the Upper West Side. I think she realizes that she won't be able to be home forever.
As for singing, well, I had to miss choir rehearsal last Thursday because that was when she was being transferred to Queens. But I do practice every day, even if it's just for a half hour. My upper register that I've fought so hard for is still there. I am probably singing the soprano part in "Glory of the Lord" from the Messiah, which we are doing in two weeks.
I have one or two tentative solos for Lent/Holy Week. One thing I like about this new Minister of Music is that he contacts all the soloists ahead of each season with available dates and asks us each to pick one or two choices. That feels better than having the onus always on me. I said my first choice was singing "Qui Sedes al Dextram Patris" on Maundy Thursday, otherwise I said I would sing on April 2 at 11 when there doesn't seem to be anything scheduled. Based on the reading for that service, I thought I could sing "Patiently I Have Waited for the Lord" from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio. It's not Christmassy at all. And speaking of Saint Saens, one little known opera that I have always loved is Henry VIII. The role of Anne Boleyn is for a heavy lyric or a dramatic mezzo and she has a gorgeous aria. It has a sustained high B flat, but I think I could sing that now. And I was able to download the score for free! I still have not felt like making concert plans; I want to have something settled about my partner's care, but I will do that eventually.
I used up almost all her discretionary income paying the private aide and then raised $2000 on GoFundMe which paid for the last 8 days (she is currently in a nursing home in Queens). I was tearfully astounded at how many people contributed to the campaign. This touches on my seemingly contradictory statements that I have no close friends but do have a social life (someone accused me of "arguing" when I said both those things at different times and I was quite surprised that she did not understand that "close friends" and "a social life" are not synonymous).
So many people (I know) do care about me and are able to provide sympathy, advice (if I want it), a hug, even money, but no one has time. I am not a priority with anyone. I have no "in case of emergency please notify". Everyone is busy with their jobs, family, family-related travel, or travel for pleasure. A point of comparison is that over 20 people gave money to the campaign, but only two people provided helping hands, and this over a period of now five months.
How things got to where they are now, is that my partner began acting oddly (the aide said she had Alzheimers) and was very listless, so we had a doctor come to the house and he said she needed to go to the ER. She was discharged after 48 hours and not formally admitted, so she could not go back to the nursing home on the Upper West Side where she had been. They wanted to send her home, despite her lack of money for home care, but I screamed and sobbed, so finally they found a spot for her in a nursing home in Queens. Yesterday I heard from the home care agency. I hope they come evaluate her and she can come home with help. She can't stay in the nursing home in Queens (it takes me two hours to get there and two hours to get back, and there's noplace to buy anything decent for lunch) and anyhow, she can't transition onto "nursing home Medicaid" yet (I don't want to say too much about that in a public blog). My long-term plan is for her to go home, and then if she has another medical crisis, for me to find a way to get her back into the nursing home on the Upper West Side. I think she realizes that she won't be able to be home forever.
As for singing, well, I had to miss choir rehearsal last Thursday because that was when she was being transferred to Queens. But I do practice every day, even if it's just for a half hour. My upper register that I've fought so hard for is still there. I am probably singing the soprano part in "Glory of the Lord" from the Messiah, which we are doing in two weeks.
I have one or two tentative solos for Lent/Holy Week. One thing I like about this new Minister of Music is that he contacts all the soloists ahead of each season with available dates and asks us each to pick one or two choices. That feels better than having the onus always on me. I said my first choice was singing "Qui Sedes al Dextram Patris" on Maundy Thursday, otherwise I said I would sing on April 2 at 11 when there doesn't seem to be anything scheduled. Based on the reading for that service, I thought I could sing "Patiently I Have Waited for the Lord" from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio. It's not Christmassy at all. And speaking of Saint Saens, one little known opera that I have always loved is Henry VIII. The role of Anne Boleyn is for a heavy lyric or a dramatic mezzo and she has a gorgeous aria. It has a sustained high B flat, but I think I could sing that now. And I was able to download the score for free! I still have not felt like making concert plans; I want to have something settled about my partner's care, but I will do that eventually.
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