Pre-Obit

And I hope the real obit doesn't have to be written for a long time.

I just found out that someone I have known online for over a decade (and hence know quite a bit about) has inoperable cancer and is in a hospice setup in his home.

My relationship with this man has been unusual.  The most important thing in all this is that he was the person responsible for my deciding to look for a Lutheran church to sing in.  He has been a choir director (a rather snooty one - we have had our arguments over my being offended by some of his disparaging comments about amateur choirs, not to mention my sense that he would never have considered me good enough to sing in one of his paid choirs), and, therefore, over a decade ago now, I asked him where to find a choir that might be interested in me.

After I left the Unitarian church where I was "discovered" (I needed to get away from The Mentor and anyhow they had scrapped most of the classical music) I tried auditioning for the only Unitarian church that does have classical music, which rejected me because I did not know how to sing "straight tone".  I also do not sightread very well although I managed to pass their sight reading test.

My friend suggested that I might have better luck with Lutheran choirs.  That they preferred bigger voices, did not sing much of a repertoire requiring straight tone, and, as most of them were all volunteer, did not expect people to sightread perfectly.

Which is how I ended up where I am.

Over the past decade I have followed this man's life through Facebook posts and a blog community I used to belong to, and was aware that he was one of the myriad people I know (in real life or not) who had three things that I have always longed for and will probably never have: a successful career in music (I'd actually be happy to have had a successful career in anything), a spouse (he's had several) who was a partner and helpmeet rather than the high-maintenance "project" that my loved one has always been, and a nice "grownup" looking living space.

As I felt with the voice coach I referenced here http://babydramatic.blogspot.com/2014/08/in-memoriam.html ,  here is a person with everything to live for, so why is he leaving us (whenever that may be) and I am still here?  I suppose I am still here because my partner needs me.  I have no family, did nothing to "write home about" with any of my talents, and have few close friends.

I remember once this man wrote to me about how much he admired me for something (it was something private, so I don't want to write about it here) and I was absolutely nonplussed.  This is something that  I did over 40 years ago, that I basically take for granted.  I may have thought of it as something to admire in the early subsequent years, but certainly not now.  It didn't garner me much.  Whatever I did after that watershed was basically too little too late.

I doubt that man will read this, but if he does, I want him to know that he is in my prayers.

In other news, we are approaching the final (!) hurdle with my partner's care.  A nurse came from the city and certified her for 24/7 care (she was given a score of 23 out of 32, the higher the number, the more care you need).  Now we just have to wait for a nurse from a long-term managed care company (we have selected which one) to see her and complete the paperwork.  We are not out of the woods yet and I am still nervous because our current setup expires April 30.

And finally, a bit of naval gazing (if I now have time for that again, things must be better in an odd way).  I realized that the demographic I am most envious of are the Gen Xrs.  Not Millennials - I see a lot of them having a very hard time.  Of course I am speaking of white, middle class-born women.  These women married later, were choosier about partners, expected to have careers, and got along with their parents for the most part.  I had said in the past that I felt that these women were more apt to put education and careers before relationships and marry for money (or at least with the income of the partner being a factor), but really I think the two things these women always had that women of my generation didn't was being in an environment where being smart and doing well in school was "cool", and believing that adults (particularly their parents) were a support system that it was OK to use, not "the enemy".  Of course I (and many women I know who are my age) made a mess of things.  We alienated ourselves from adults and latched onto the first sexual partner we could find as a support system instead.

Thinking about the man who is dying, I of course contemplate my own mortality.  I hope I don't die before I do something big with one or more of my talents, which I certainly have not done up to this point.  Maybe my partner and I will die together holding hands and what I did or didn't achieve won't matter.  That would be nice.