Time Out for My Mother

My mother really is dying. They have set up a hospice in her apartment. I know this is mostly a blog about singing, but I just wanted to check in.

I know I have said many hateful things about her, and she was a very difficult person (not just with me but other people too) but she was always a lovely mommy to me when I was little, always comforting me when I had a nightmare, arranging birthday parties, understanding my grief when our dog died.

So I want to be sweet to her for the remainder of her life, however long it is - two weeks, two months, I don't know.

Unfortunately I can't be physically there for her all the time because my freelance editing business has just taken off and I desperately need money. Not just in the short term, but I need to earn a decent amount (which means satisfying clients) over the next several years so that I can collect a decent amount of social security.

I haven't really felt like singing at all. But I know I must do just the basic minimum, which means singing exercises at least up to a B flat (I can't lose that hard won territory) and being sure I am spot on with the alto part for the Bach cantata if I see myself as a de facto section leader. What's interesting, is that all the crying I've done (which I think has been spiritually cleansing) has done a lot more harm to my lower register than anything else (similarly to how a cold functions - I'm blessed that I get one about every three years if that). But this alto part is not low (which is why I'm singing it!) it's mostly middle voice (and the soprano part sits around high F and G!!)

I also haven't felt much like eating. Maybe I'll lose a pound or two, who knows. I do make sure I have something with protein three times a day. In between I have my beloved flavored coffee or juice. I just don't have the stomach for anything like an apple or a salad.

So I may not be writing much here. I just didn't want my last post here to be something cynical about my mother. I feel blessed to have time to make peace.