And not because of that event that many people were obsessed with today. It's just not on my radar screen. Never has been. My father was a Marxist college professor who had never been to or watched a sporting event in his life.
No, my day began at 6 when I woke up to get ready for my choir gig (yes, I do call it that) when I found a response from the soprano I had invited to participate in my Verdi Requiem (I wanted to check that she wasn't interested because I am going to have to postpone it) and she started off basically indicating that she was insulted that I had asked her. Then she ended by trying to be polite. She is a good person, not a snark.
I mean I know there are people struggling to make money singing who hate people who do it for free. On an intellectual level I can understand it. But I already feel inferior enough that I'm an "amateur". This is why I wish I could meet some people who want to sing opera but don't sing quite as well as I do or have quite as much experience. This is not about ego, it's about wanting someone who will be happy that I invited them to do something and see it as a good opportunity. I mean the only reason I asked this woman was I had seen her perform at a pay to sing outfit (the one where my teacher used to sing for free all the time, until he got tired of it).
So I ended up feeling bad about myself and I really don't need one more reason to feel bad about myself.
I mean singing is something that people do for love (like all the arts). Which I guess sets up an adversarial situation with people who want to get paid for work they do in the arts. I mean, sure, I would love to get paid to sing, but if I don't, I'm going to do it anyhow. Most things people get paid to do are not enjoyable which is why they expect to be paid. I mean I would never read or edit anything anyone had written for free. Never. Nor would I do any left brain work for anyone: filing, organizing, reading business letters and explaining what they mean. These are things my partner has asked me to do and I have always said no. I will cook, shop, do the laundry, even scrub the kitchen floor. But not anything that is even remotely connected with what I do for a living. For example I don't own a watch because my entire life in offices revolved around time, and not wasting it, and trying to maximize productivity, so my rebellion is I don't own a watch so that I can make a statement that when I am not working I am exclusively a sensual, right-brain person who doesn't care what time it is.
So if someone does something for free does that make them inferior? I feel I always have to apologize that I am not paid for my choir spot.
Yesterday that whole interchange made me angry (although I suppose my asking this woman to sing in my vanity concert made her angry) so it spurred me on to want to post my little search for peers on the Forum but then I got cold feet again. I feel that that universe is full of exactly the kind of people who would laugh at me for wanting to produce concerts for no money. I would rather do that than pay $300 at one of these pay to sing outfits. If it's my production I can decide what role or scenes I am singing and have control of the rehearsal schedule. Of course then there's the issue of people backing out for one reason or another.
Today I saw that they put out a calendar of events for Lent, so I spoke to the choir director and told him that I would not be doing this Requiem concert this year but that the Pastor said I could use the church so I will do it next year. And I will. I wanted to sing Dalila, so I did. In any event, I said I would like to sing "Lux Aeterna" in one of the services. (I know he doesn't like "Liber Scriptus".) I looked at Lux Aeterna carefully and it can easily be turned into a solo, I think. He said I could bring him the music Wednesday. I said if he didn't like it maybe I could sing the aria from the Rossini Stabat Mater again (Fac ut Portem) or maybe the Crucifixus from the Petit Messe. I think I made a faux pas in that I said I didn't want to "throw away" any of those pieces singing at one of the Wednesday 6:30 services because they are not well attended. After I could see he was put out I apologized for being rude. In any event he said I could definitely sing something as a solo for Lent as it is a big singing season.
I also got some bad news (this may be a rumor that has spiraled out of control) that the Supreme Court may hear a case about rent control and rent stabilization. I know I am terrified every time the State Legislature votes on it but at least those people, even the Republicans, understand about how people live in New York City. But the people on the Supreme Court have no idea and could declare it unconstitutional. I mean we don't know yet if they will even hear the case. In any event, this is a really serious matter and could mean I would be out of my apartment in the "armpit of Lincoln Center", which I love, on the other hand living there couldn't be worse for someone with a modest talent - no, I don't think I have a modest talent - I think I have a big unusual dramatic voice, like the old Italian mezzos. I have a modest ability because I started too late, did too much damage to myself at a very young age, even though I have not touched alcohol or nicotine in over three decades, and never was in the right environment to foster a musical talent (some of which was certainly my fault), and now it is too late.
So maybe I'll end up in that small town after all. As long as I don't have to learn to drive.
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