Another Disappointment

If my previous post was humorous, this one is not.

And the weird thing is that I'm not even that upset.

At today's voice lesson my teacher gave me a lecture.  He has never done this, certainly not on this global a scale.

He said that I was "undersinging" during the Requiem, not so much in Liber Scriptus, which I was really happy with, but throughout the rest of it, and also during "Lux Aeterna" and that I sounded weak and did not "match" with the other singers.  He didn't see the concert but got this from a neighbor of his (an opera buff) who came to hear it, and also from the CD.  He told me he thought I sounded better in the concert I did a year and a half ago where I thought I sounded awful. He said in that concert some of my high notes were ugly but the rest of my singing was better.  That in this I sort of "crooned" my way through it to save my energy for a few things (if I was saving energy - since Liber Scriptus would have been over - it was to get a nice "spin" on my voice for "Lux Aeterna" and not choke on that G at the end).

I feel like I've been spending the past 8 years going back and forth between two less than ideal scenarios.  I mean each time I come back to one I sound a little better than I did before, so it's not as if I'm going around in a circle (more like a spiral, where I'm never quite at the same place) but it is still disheartening.  Either I sing with my whole voice (which is actually very big) and I get tired and have trouble with the higher notes, even ones that are really part of my range like an A and an A flat, or I sing with part of my voice so that I can keep that buzz and have an easier time with the higher notes (which aren't even that high - I've never made a decent sound on anything above a B flat).

The problem is I have so few opportunities to perform that I don't take risks, or try new things.  So whatever I have learned this time will not be put to use for a long, long time.  I don't have the advantages younger people have to sing in performance classes and get feedback over and over and over and get rid of their fears and try new things.  When I tried doing that everyone was at such a higher level (and were much younger) that I was totally intimidated and didn't even sing my best.  The only thing I get to sing regularly (and even then we are talking about every two months or so) are church solos, and basically the message I have gotten is it has to be pretty or it's not acceptable.  So breathy and pretty is OK, and croony and pretty is OK, and singing things that don't go above an F sharp is probably the best choice so I don't get obnoxiously loud.

If I were younger and not enmeshed in a life I might try new things, new people, new ideas, but everything is such a struggle, between lack of money, lack of time, eldercare, no peer group (people pooh poohed this and said all I have to do is organize something and get people interested, but that is not the same as having a peer group of people who are close to my own age but singing at my level that I feel safe trying new things with and being in it together with).

I feel like I just am not getting anywhere.  I know that I sound better than I used to, but still not good enough for the environment that I'm in.  And every time I feel I am making some progress there's a tidal wave of talented people (e.g. the young conservatory students at the church) pushing me down to the bottom again. It isn't just that I started late.  It's that I started late and have limited resources.  Very few people over a certain age can just follow their dream, like a 20 year old.  Maybe in some very unusual circumstances: a divorcee with no children, no living elderly relatives, and a financial safety net.  I mean my disappointment with the career counseling program was very similar.  I didn't have the resources for endless self-exploration and pursuing a dream, I had to find something to do for a living where I could take time off during the day to take at that time two elderly people to appointments.

So getting back to singing, I started late, but have not progressed over these 8 or 9 years at the rate that a conservatory student would have progressed because I cannot afford "total immersion", either in terms or time, or money, or lack of other responsibilities.

But I don't seem to be willing to give it up.

My SO said I should do something like buy myself a pretty period costume and sing things like "After the Ball is Over" where I can use my legit voice and not overstress myself, and entertain people.  So I suppose singing these second soprano, low soprano, or high alto church solos with a limited range is the same kind of thing.

I just don't know....