A Broken Resolve, Sort Of

I know I had promised, as a Lenten discipline, not to complain, but if I am feeling despondent, it is better to turn bad feelings into a (good) piece of writing than to have them whirling around in my head.

First, I want to say that I am so, so, so happy with all the technical progress I keep making.  After years of getting stuck on various plateaus and thinking that certain problems were insurmountable, suddenly, some time last year, everything took off.  And the progress continues.  Not to repeat things I've already said, but I think it began with my dealing with my bunged up postnasal area, not just by using the Neti pot, but by being aware that that whole area was constricted and that I did not lift my soft palate when I sang.  Then after years of work, the "gag reflex" that stubbornly kicked in when I tried to sing above an A natural began to disappear.  Dare I say that I now may have a performance ready B flat?  That I could open my mouth and sing?  It sill requires me to make certain "gestures", to physicalize it (I am not sure if that is the proper term) but I didn't used to be able to do it at all.  And I can easily sing arpeggios up to a high C.  And with all that, the middle and bottom of my voice has gotten bigger and darker. And I have learned (I hope!) a trick of how to "bounce" my abdominal muscles to hold on to high notes so everything doesn't go rigid and cause the note to first get "straight" and then be unsustainable.

I have been sailing through the Giovanna Seymour scene and have revisited Laura's aria from Gioconda (a staple of my repertoire since the first time I sang, which on the one hand is easy but on the other is full of bad habits) and it sounds completely different.

And I can hear it in choir rehearsals as well.  Usually when we sing a big piece on Good Friday I end up singing alto but this time we are doing excerpts from the Dvorak Requiem in which, at least so far, the soprano line is tailor made for a dramatic mezzo (lots of Es Fs and Gs at the top of the staff marked "FF").  So I am singing in the soprano section.  If I can sing with my real voice I will be fine and won't get tired.

I still don't know whether or not I will sing in the Spanish afternoon service.  They may not be using music at all.  If they will be, however, I think I will sing.  I have two possible ideas: the Rossini "Agnus Dei" (aka the "sexy Agnus Dei") or the "Qui Sedes" from the Vivaldi Gloria 588.  Neither of them is high, although the Rossini is long.

So, you are asking, where are the complaints?

Well, first of all, as it has taken me all these years to even have the beginnings of a decent technique that I can rely on throughout my range, I have not tried to "polish" myself.  So I sing with a music stand, looking like a statue (although I always remember to smile when I am not actually singing) or, once in a blue moon, I sing something non-churchly, in which instance I look awkward and nervous.  Even if I am not a "basket case" the fact that I am nervous comes through in how I use my body; namely, as an aide to breath support or opening everything up for high notes.

So why am I thinking about this again?  I made the very stupid mistake of looking at "Little Miss"'s Facebook page.  I mean even though she always shows up as a "person I might know" and even though I have other choir members as "friends" whom I don't know any better than I know her, it's always, like, no thanks.  So there was a video of her singing in a masterclass with a prestigious teacher at her prestigious conservatory (I don't know what she was singing, it was something in English that was not identified) and there were posts telling her what a star she was, that she was real star material, and yes, her vocal technique and her way of moving and presenting herself on the stage were totally perfect and she's bloody 23!!!!

Normally, these demographics in and of themselves would not bother me.  I have watched Master Class videos before.  But those are people I don't know.  This young woman is on my turf, in my choir, sucking  up endless paeans of praise (from the sublime to the silly), swanning in and out to be the "descant" of a piece when we've all been there slaving on Wednesday nights, and it is just all too much.

So I feel sad.  My therapist  hinted that it might be better to feel sad than to feel angry, but so, OK, now I feel both like crying and like throwing a chair through a window.

I mean so what I have is my pitiful (and begged for) video of "Et Exsultavit".  There are so many things wrong with it, even though I know I sound better than I ever have singing that piece.  It is not polished.  It is not equivalent.  No one gives a flying fig about it, except my voice teacher who told me, yes, I sounded much better than the last time I had sung that, and then gave me some constructive criticism that was helpful.  A few months ago a friend gave me an iPad (I don't want to get into too much detail here) and I am going to buy a "tripod" for it so that I can videotape myself.  (This, of course, will also require that I practice while decently dressed with makeup on, which I usually don't, as I spend about 75% of my life working at home in pajamas.)

I just don't know where to go, where I can still sing regularly, but get away from this.  I sound good enough now that actually it astounds me that there is not some small puddle where people have less training, yet still want to sing, where I can be the "special one".  Maybe the Alzheimers chorus (and I am not referencing the fact that I don't have Alzheimers; neither do half the people in that chorus as it is made up of pairs of patients and their caregivers).  We are still on target for auditioning for them after Easter.

Actually, to clarify, I don't think I would be that bothered if there were someone in the choir who sang better and was much more polished who was, well, 40!!!  Then I could use that person as some sort of mentor and she would probably be happy to be in that sort of role. (There is a man who somewhat fits that description but he is obviously only interested in conservatory students and has never given me even so much as the time of day, certainly not about my singing.)  Then it would be a win-win situation all around.

To be fair, "Little Miss" is not stuck up and is very sweet.  I guess people think she's cute.  She's 23 and looks about 15 (although she has a big voice, not a light piping one).  I guess no one kvells over you when you're a few months away from Medicare.  Unless that person is very very special and very very savvy.