My Fun Home

A few months ago, my partner's visiting nurse, who has become a friend, took us to see Fun Home the musical. We loved every minute of it and not just the subject matter. It was a moving story, the music was original (and melodic, not to be taken for granted in this era of generic scream-belting), the text was witty, and the performances, particularly 11 year old Sydney Lucas, were stellar. Yesterday, in looking for a clip of this song to send to someone, I stumbled upon this clip of Beth Malone and it got me musing about my life as bisexual woman (for years exclusively a Lesbian), about transgender issues (which are in the news a great deal these days), and about my struggles to make sense, years ago, of what it meant to be a Lesbian singing opera.

The first thing I was struck by watching the musical, was that Alison seemed to be at least as much transgender as Lesbian.  Her first inklings of being Lesbian seemed to be all intertwined with not feeling comfortable in a girly party dress. I think I was aware of attractions to women when I was quite young (always older women in positions of power), but I also was happiest in a pink party dress.  In fact I was probably more cis-gender (the current term) than most girls who grew up to be straight.  I loved dresses, dolls, and fairy tales, and hated sports.

One of the highlights of the show (referenced above) is the song "Ring of Keys" about young Alison's first encounter with a butch woman, seeing her from a distance.  I smiled listening to the song because the first time I saw a woman who looked like that I was transfixed as well (I think I was much older - in high school) but in a completely different way.  Recently I imagined what it would be like to sing that song (I would probably need permission) somewhere and I realized that I would have to change one line.  The issue for me wasn't "I think we're alike in a certain way" but "I think we would fit in a perfect way".  A perfect yin and yang.  The first time I saw a woman who looked like that yes, I could see immediately that I would have a lot more fun "under" someone like that than I had had with clueless, fumbling high school boys, or even the slightly older college men I had dated.

I was actually quite shocked to hear Beth Malone speaking about her experiences.  She referred to herself, playing straight women onstage as "being in drag".  Isn't that transgender?  I don't hear gay men in the theater referring to themselves as being in drag when they wear trousers and play a romantic lead.  If you're acting you're not yourself.  And chances are if you're acting the person you're playing a love scene with isn't someone you're madly attracted to, regardless of the person's gender.  I know that over the years it seemed that about 90% of the Lesbians I knew had a visceral negative reaction to putting on a skirt.  To me that seemed so "other".  And what especially confused me was that these very women would be outraged if I referred to them as "butch" or expected them to behave in such a manner with me.  And they didn't even particularly want me.  They wanted someone who looked like them.  I just never got it.  Yes, there was the feminist take on skirts, which I certainly understood when I was working in low paying jobs.  If you wear skirts, you need pantyhose (unless you have gorgeous tanned, slim, legs, or don't care if you look utterly drippy) and pantyhose run at the drop of a hat and are expensive.  So pants make more sense.  But pants are functional (which is fine at work, because work is functional) and feeling romantic and full of desire (which I don't feel in pants) is something else.

I remember when I tried to explain to someone on the Forum about my experiences playing Laura in La Gioconda, and about my feeling that I "shouldn't" want to be onstage playing a woman in a dress (even though I loved every minute of it) someone told me I was being "ridiculous" and that the women telling me these things couldn't be Lesbian, they must be transgender (and this happened to be a gay man).

In any event, I am happy to be shed of all that orthodoxy.  It has only taken me 40 years.  Whom I want to sleep with (the Mentor excepted, of course) is one thing.  What I like to wear is something else.  They are not synonymous and no I don't feel like I'm in drag wearing a dress I feel like a million dollars.  And I would have to act just as much kissing Enzo if I had a husband at home as I would if I had a "butch beau" at home (I will never have a wife; if there's any wife in the equation it would be me).  And I hate very short hair.  It looks God-awful on most women unless they have perfect cheekbones and a slim body like Beth Malone.  Even most butches.