When I got home last night after having had a lovely day celebrating my partner's birthday and having our final choir rehearsal of the season, I checked my email to find that this friend whom I had spoken of in my last post had written to tell me basically that she never wanted to hear from me again. I was speechless. I have no idea what I could have said or done to prompt that.
For whatever reason, I could sense that she found it inappropriate that I was continuing to ask her for advice about personal problems (like the videos) in the wake of the tragedy in Orlando, but I wouldn't have considered that grounds for ending a friendship. As I said, she has done this before, although last time I had sworn at her out of frustration, so the reason was obvious. She has also stopped speaking to other people. It was the finality of it that stunned me. I could see her saying that she thought our correspondence had gotten a bit tense, and that maybe we should take a break, unless we had some important news to convey (people do this all the time either explicitly or implicitly) but to slam a door in my face?
Five hours earlier she had called my partner to wish her a happy birthday and sounded very cheerful, and I had written to thank her.
The only other thing I can think of is that she read something I posted on Facebook (she doesn't use Facebook but her daughter does) saying that I didn't think that "thinking" about a tragedy instead of about one's personal problems made one morally superior. Which many people agreed with. Or she may have read the last post I made here.
But the point is that I don't see any "hanging offenses" anywhere. I did not say anything personally hurtful.
So many things now are up in the air, if not literally, then emotionally. It was her idea for me to have this birthday concert, so I chose a Barbra Streisand song that she likes (not something I would have chosen otherwise although I am surprisingly impressed by the musicianship it displays). So how can I share my joy at that with her now. (Whether or not she sends me flowers or even a greeting is neither here nor there.)
Is she including my partner in all this?
I had said (maybe to her) that over the past 7 or 8 years I have had so many losses that it was like one day waking up and realizing that there was no furniture in my apartment. I think that was why I was so upset about not getting anything for my last birthday. Not that I'm greedy and selfish but because it made the emptiness so manifest. So she of all people should know that I can't afford another loss, certainly for no reason.
If there were something I should apologize for, I would certainly be open to some soul searching, but obviously she doesn't want to tell me and I am not going to ask her.
As I said in my previous post, I am not apologizing for being preoccupied with personal problems just because a tragedy happened miles away, and I certainly am not apologizing for posting thoughts and feelings on Facebook, here, or elsewhere. Writing is one of the only outlets I have, since I don't have close friends. I would never post anything confidential about someone, but that's about it.
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