2017 Wrap Up

Right now I couldn't even begin to think about making New Year's resolutions.  I can't think of anything I need to be doing (that's realistic) that I'm not already doing.  And I hope it's not a cop-out to say that so much of what is lacking in my life is about the lack of opportunities for someone with my level of talent in the environment I'm in.

As for how the outgoing year was, here's a wrap up.  (And please note, this is only about me and the people in my life. It is not about the year as a political saga.)

The Good

• My partner is finally settled on Medicaid with a package of services and a support team.  Barring her coming into money (unlikely), this can roll over from year to year.
• She is much healthier.  I am no longer worried that she is going to die within weeks or months.
• Through managing all of her care providers and coordinating services, I have acquired skills that, most importantly, give me a feeling of competence, and secondly, keep fresh the management skills I once used at jobs for pay, if I ever want to look for another one.
• I keep singing better and better.
• Through my involvement with her home care team, I have learned about many different ways to make a life, even here in New York.  There are people of different ethnicities, living in outerborough neighborhoods, with skills, talents, and beautiful souls, that have nothing to do with the world of Upper West Side successful professionals with performing arts degrees, around whom I feel like I'm the size of a mosquito.  I thank these women not just for the loving care they provide my partner, but for sharing their hearts and their lives with me.

The Disappointing

• Despite singing better and better, it seems harder and harder to find a place to sing.  Outreach venues don't call me back.  If I were to pay a modest fee to rent a studio, I would have to fill it with an audience, and with all the high-level performances here (many of them free), there won't be one.  Some people will no doubt come to be polite, but they really are not all that interested.  
• Despite repeated efforts, I have not been able to create a network of similarly situated aspiring performers (older adults with a certain level of talent and skill who are eager to perform and willing to invest a certain amount of work in throwing something together). The people I meet are either younger or more experienced and are plugged into networks of their own that would not be open to me or it they're my age, they're pretty much done unless something falls into their lap.
• I realize more and more that most of the people who have the life I want began on a path when they were in their teens or shortly thereafter.  At least among people I meet regularly, I seem not only to be one of the few without an advanced degree or some degree in a performing arts related field, but also one of the few who was never in a school show or an extracurricular performing arts group. This is time and experience I can never get back.
• Despite spiritually knowing better, I still yearn for a life I can't have: a life primarily defined by the arts.  To the world I am a freelance copyeditor who is a caregiver - oh, and I have a lovely voice, sort of as an aside.
• I can no longer even envision doing anything for a living, even part-time, that does not involve some iteration of "paper pushing" sitting at a desk.

Lesson of the Year

Since I apparently will never do well, maybe I have to settle for doing good.