Well, since I last wrote I did hear back from one of the nursing homes I contacted (the one where I actually spoke to someone and sent her some videos) and after contacting her again she said she had looked at the videos and that I was not a good "fit" for what she was looking for. So OK. That could mean anything. She might want someone who sings and plays the piano, someone who sings pop songs, someone who sings and plays the guitar. Who knows?
Still no word from either the place with the beautifuli salon room (where my partner was in 2016) or the LGBT Center. As for the latter, when I see my friend I might ask her to forward me the email she sent to her contact, as I have not heard from him.
Today I called another nursing home.
I also realized that I could ask my choir colleague if the residence where she lives still has concerts on Thursdays. I did sing there once, but then our choir rehearsal night got switched to Thursday. Maybe I can sing there in the summer when we are off?
What makes me so sad is that what I need is to do solo singing in front of an "audience". I need that the way a plant needs water and I'm not getting any of that kind of nourishment. I even looked at various places that offer performance classes but first they cost too much, and second, I am terrified of being the oldest and least proficient.
So all I can do now is work. I am, believe it or not, tired of the dramatic mezzo rep that I struggled with for so many years; bored with Carmen and Dalila. What is my new love? Handel and Rossini! That makes sense, because really, my favorite thing to sing is "Rejoice Greatly". It's flashy and just high enough to sound high but not too high, and there is no sustained float-y high singing, which is my nemesis.
So I made a list of arias to work on. Some had daunted me in the past and I had written them off. But now, maybe. They are:
"Tanti Affetti" from Rossini's Donna del Lago
"Bel Raggio" from Rossini's Semiramide
"Dopo Notte" from Handel's Ariodonte
and possibly
"Non piu di Fiori" from Mozart's Clemenza di Tito
"Ah, Mon Fils" from Meyerbeer's Le Prophete
and I might revisit Mozart's "Laudamus te" from the Great Mass.
Tonight I (tenatively and with many stops and starts) sang through "Tanti Affetti". It has a lot of B flats, but they are all in runs, which I do well. I said "a lot". I mean 11. I have no idea if the piece will ever be "performance ready", but if I don't try then it definitely never will. Nowadays a B flat feels like a G once felt. And yes, in this practice session today I nailed all 11.
On the subject of being unable to find opportunities, I had another insight the other day. Performance opportunities are like neighborhoods, and as the years go by, the smaller humbler ones have now all become gentrified (aka exploited by emerging professionals, semi-professionals, and professionals looking to sing a role they aren't singing professionally right now), which pushes anyone with a modest "package" (how I would describe myself) out.
Maybe if I want an audience I will stop singing in the bathroom and sing behind my front door. My electric keyboard is on my dining table, which is near my front door (if I know a piece, I sing it in my bathroom with a pitch pipe to check pitches).
On the other hand, my nextdoor neighbor goes to the Met once a week (it's around the corner, remember?) and the man down the hall is a music critic. Never did I so yearn to be surrounded by lager louts. They might tell me to stop "screaming" - but would probably think I'm the real deal.
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Thursday, January 11, 2018
In Defense of Mediocrity, or Totally Gobsmacked Watching "Last Tango in Halifax"
As for the title, this is something I had been toying with four years ago or so, as a "response" to another singer-blogger who seems to always get under my skin. For whatever reason, I never used the title, but it came to mind again a few weeks ago when I was watching the Christmas special for Last Tango in Halifax. One of the subplots involved an amateur production of Blithe Spirit that was in an area apparently so talent starved that they had to scrape the bottom of the barrel (meaning strongarm someone with no acting ability and no interest) into playing one of the male roles. (The role of Madame Arcati went to a woman my age who had done some acting when she was young.) Does this scenario really exist? Are there still AmDrams (I word I learned recently) that are geographically located such that they will not be crashed by professionals coming from far and wide to get a role under their belt (or "rehearse" one they will be performing in a loftier venue later)? Are there still places where the performing arts are so thin on the ground that people will actually come to a performance that at best can be called "a rough diamond"?
I posted this question in a British tv lovers Facebook group that I belong to and people assured me, yes, that this scenario was not so far afield, that most "small towns" (how is that defined, I wonder?) have an AmDram that is really that - for amateurs.
As for the term "mediocre" according to the dictionary, synonyms are "average", "unexceptional", "amateur", and "amateurish". (There are also other synonyms, such as "uninspired" that don't capture what I am trying to say.) The point is that the term does not mean "so embarrassingly substandard that people want to run screaming from the room". I would take it to mean "not the best of the best, but still pleasing on some level".
Now to me mediocrity is not the same thing as "laziness". A person is lazy if he or she could achieve excellence but is not willing to put in the necessary work. The potential A student who gets Bs. But what about the C student who has worked his or her tail off to get Bs. The end result is the same. But the point is, are Bs bad? Should only someone who is "A" grade be allowed or encouraged to [sing, play a musical instrument, paint, write, design furniture or clothing]? I would guess that if someone is so unskilled (and untalented) at something that they are in the D or, heaven help us, the F league, they should not be encouraged. They can probably find some other arena in which they can at least make B league. But should only the best of the best exist, with everyone else going back to paper pushing or doing something else uninspired that most people don't want to do?
This subject is wrenching my heart because as someone with, possibly, a major talent, but one that was not put to use until past the 11th hour, and who probably in terms of skill level (if you put Met stars at the top and people who love to sing off key on karaoke night at the bottom) would be in the 88th percentile, has found every door closed to me. The opera companies that don't pay people use professionals who can't find work (or professionals who want to use that gig as a rehearsal for a paying one). People that invite performers into their spaces (for no pay, other than the use of the space) have a long list of people from Marilyn Horne's "Song" finalists to chamber music groups that have been reviewed in the TIMES that they can donate their space to and don't want amateurs with a few rough edges. And its not only existing organizations and performance venues who aren't interested. Colleagues aren't interested either. I was told once to look for people who are really good, better than I am, but then, of course, they will flit if they get a better offer (my voice teacher included!!) And people who are at a lower skill level are just not all that interested. They just think it's too much bother. So in addition to having to learn my music I have to be the "impresaria" and do all the managing and planning and spend all the money. I'm not a professional singer but I once was a well-salaried manager and really don't want to do that for free (I have done it, but I think I'm burned out).
So I had resigned myself to singing in nursing homes, which, actually, if I look at my values as a human being, should not be viewed as "settling" for second best. I love the elderly and spend a large part of my life taking care of my 83-year-old partner who is severely impaired. But other than the place I sang this past October (and for my birthday in 2016), I can't get anyone to "bite" despite having left repeated phone messages and having sent emails. I actually don't take this personally. I think they probably go for people they know if they're looking to fill the calendar. Which brings me back to a subject I have written about in the past, that it really is about who(m) you know, not in the sense of fraudulent dealing, but in the sense of being part of a network and I am not part of one. Here's an analogy I thought of the other day. I can always get copyediting work not because I am absolutely the best copy editor anyone could ever hire (although I'm damn good - probably I would put myself in the 99th percentile there), but because people know me. I have worked in the publishing business since 1979. So who are people going to give work to? Me, or someone they don't know, who writes to them out of the blue and asks to take a test. Even if they get 100 on that test, they don't have a "track record".
As I have said before, I am not ready to give up and throw in the towel. Every week I am singing better and I certainly have more confidence than I did before. But I can't say that I have expanded my network in any way, and this is not for lack of trying. So OK, if I weren't a caregiver, I would have more options: start my own Meetup, venture forth on a Saturday or in the evening, maybe even see what's doing at one of the three big conservatories within shouting distance from where I live. But not now.
So I defend "mediocrity" not because I think people should be lazy or lacking in discernment, but because I think there should be a place for people who aren't the best and never will be, but still want a place to muddle through something they love, in like-minded company, with friends and acquaintances cheering them on.
I posted this question in a British tv lovers Facebook group that I belong to and people assured me, yes, that this scenario was not so far afield, that most "small towns" (how is that defined, I wonder?) have an AmDram that is really that - for amateurs.
As for the term "mediocre" according to the dictionary, synonyms are "average", "unexceptional", "amateur", and "amateurish". (There are also other synonyms, such as "uninspired" that don't capture what I am trying to say.) The point is that the term does not mean "so embarrassingly substandard that people want to run screaming from the room". I would take it to mean "not the best of the best, but still pleasing on some level".
Now to me mediocrity is not the same thing as "laziness". A person is lazy if he or she could achieve excellence but is not willing to put in the necessary work. The potential A student who gets Bs. But what about the C student who has worked his or her tail off to get Bs. The end result is the same. But the point is, are Bs bad? Should only someone who is "A" grade be allowed or encouraged to [sing, play a musical instrument, paint, write, design furniture or clothing]? I would guess that if someone is so unskilled (and untalented) at something that they are in the D or, heaven help us, the F league, they should not be encouraged. They can probably find some other arena in which they can at least make B league. But should only the best of the best exist, with everyone else going back to paper pushing or doing something else uninspired that most people don't want to do?
This subject is wrenching my heart because as someone with, possibly, a major talent, but one that was not put to use until past the 11th hour, and who probably in terms of skill level (if you put Met stars at the top and people who love to sing off key on karaoke night at the bottom) would be in the 88th percentile, has found every door closed to me. The opera companies that don't pay people use professionals who can't find work (or professionals who want to use that gig as a rehearsal for a paying one). People that invite performers into their spaces (for no pay, other than the use of the space) have a long list of people from Marilyn Horne's "Song" finalists to chamber music groups that have been reviewed in the TIMES that they can donate their space to and don't want amateurs with a few rough edges. And its not only existing organizations and performance venues who aren't interested. Colleagues aren't interested either. I was told once to look for people who are really good, better than I am, but then, of course, they will flit if they get a better offer (my voice teacher included!!) And people who are at a lower skill level are just not all that interested. They just think it's too much bother. So in addition to having to learn my music I have to be the "impresaria" and do all the managing and planning and spend all the money. I'm not a professional singer but I once was a well-salaried manager and really don't want to do that for free (I have done it, but I think I'm burned out).
So I had resigned myself to singing in nursing homes, which, actually, if I look at my values as a human being, should not be viewed as "settling" for second best. I love the elderly and spend a large part of my life taking care of my 83-year-old partner who is severely impaired. But other than the place I sang this past October (and for my birthday in 2016), I can't get anyone to "bite" despite having left repeated phone messages and having sent emails. I actually don't take this personally. I think they probably go for people they know if they're looking to fill the calendar. Which brings me back to a subject I have written about in the past, that it really is about who(m) you know, not in the sense of fraudulent dealing, but in the sense of being part of a network and I am not part of one. Here's an analogy I thought of the other day. I can always get copyediting work not because I am absolutely the best copy editor anyone could ever hire (although I'm damn good - probably I would put myself in the 99th percentile there), but because people know me. I have worked in the publishing business since 1979. So who are people going to give work to? Me, or someone they don't know, who writes to them out of the blue and asks to take a test. Even if they get 100 on that test, they don't have a "track record".
As I have said before, I am not ready to give up and throw in the towel. Every week I am singing better and I certainly have more confidence than I did before. But I can't say that I have expanded my network in any way, and this is not for lack of trying. So OK, if I weren't a caregiver, I would have more options: start my own Meetup, venture forth on a Saturday or in the evening, maybe even see what's doing at one of the three big conservatories within shouting distance from where I live. But not now.
So I defend "mediocrity" not because I think people should be lazy or lacking in discernment, but because I think there should be a place for people who aren't the best and never will be, but still want a place to muddle through something they love, in like-minded company, with friends and acquaintances cheering them on.
Monday, January 1, 2018
Singin' in the Cold
(To the tune of "Singin' in the Rain").
This should have been the last post of 2017, not the first one of 2018, but I wasn't at my laptop for much of yesterday.
Yesterday at 11 I sang "Rejoice Greatly" for the second year in a row on the Sunday between Christmas and Epiphany (last year it was on New Year's Day). I am not sure if I sang it as well this year. The church was ice cold and I had trouble getting my breath support to work (you know the way you "scrunch" yourself into a tight ball to try to stay warm? well, that does not do much for the expansion you need to sing). I almost ran out of breath on the first long run. After that, however, it was pretty smooth sailing. The only problem is I was so physically out of sorts that I wasn't able to polish my "presentation". Last year I sang well but did awkward things with my arms (raise them when I needed more breath, then put them down abruptly) and I had determined this year to look more composed. But this year it was all I could do to get through it.
I don't ever remember it being that cold in the church and I have been there on Sundays when there was several feet of snow and I had to take a cab, or, coming back, have someone "cross me" through the mountains of snow and ice so I could catch a bus. But indoors I always felt fine. Were they being stingy with the heat?
So now I need to put something on my calendar; otherwise I won't have another solo singing spot until Holy Week or Easter.
Here's what I've done.
1. Called the nursing home (where my partner was in 2016) at least four times, with no result. I left three voice mail messages and one message with the recreation director's secretary. I also got another number for resident services, called it, and it went into the director's voicemail.
2. I got a friend who sometimes works there to speak to the recreation director. He said he would call me. He never did.
3. I called the LGBT senior services center where I performed several times and got the name and phone number of the new events planner. I left her a voicemail message. I found her email address and sent her an email. No response. I know a volunteer there; I think I will send her an email this week.
4. I found the name of another nursing home/residence and actually spoke in person to the recreation director (I called at 9:02 am - good strategy!) She asked me to send a video and some more information so I sent her a few videos and a program from my last recital. That was several weeks ago. I will call her again.
5. Next week I will google "Living Room Concerts" and see what I get.
I was thinking of making New Year's resolutions, but I don't even know of what kind. Do I need to work harder? Who will know other than my teacher? Do I need more chutzpah? How would that express itself? Do I need to do a better job of networking? If so, with whom?
This should have been the last post of 2017, not the first one of 2018, but I wasn't at my laptop for much of yesterday.
Yesterday at 11 I sang "Rejoice Greatly" for the second year in a row on the Sunday between Christmas and Epiphany (last year it was on New Year's Day). I am not sure if I sang it as well this year. The church was ice cold and I had trouble getting my breath support to work (you know the way you "scrunch" yourself into a tight ball to try to stay warm? well, that does not do much for the expansion you need to sing). I almost ran out of breath on the first long run. After that, however, it was pretty smooth sailing. The only problem is I was so physically out of sorts that I wasn't able to polish my "presentation". Last year I sang well but did awkward things with my arms (raise them when I needed more breath, then put them down abruptly) and I had determined this year to look more composed. But this year it was all I could do to get through it.
I don't ever remember it being that cold in the church and I have been there on Sundays when there was several feet of snow and I had to take a cab, or, coming back, have someone "cross me" through the mountains of snow and ice so I could catch a bus. But indoors I always felt fine. Were they being stingy with the heat?
So now I need to put something on my calendar; otherwise I won't have another solo singing spot until Holy Week or Easter.
Here's what I've done.
1. Called the nursing home (where my partner was in 2016) at least four times, with no result. I left three voice mail messages and one message with the recreation director's secretary. I also got another number for resident services, called it, and it went into the director's voicemail.
2. I got a friend who sometimes works there to speak to the recreation director. He said he would call me. He never did.
3. I called the LGBT senior services center where I performed several times and got the name and phone number of the new events planner. I left her a voicemail message. I found her email address and sent her an email. No response. I know a volunteer there; I think I will send her an email this week.
4. I found the name of another nursing home/residence and actually spoke in person to the recreation director (I called at 9:02 am - good strategy!) She asked me to send a video and some more information so I sent her a few videos and a program from my last recital. That was several weeks ago. I will call her again.
5. Next week I will google "Living Room Concerts" and see what I get.
I was thinking of making New Year's resolutions, but I don't even know of what kind. Do I need to work harder? Who will know other than my teacher? Do I need more chutzpah? How would that express itself? Do I need to do a better job of networking? If so, with whom?
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