Grief and Work

Well, since I last wrote I did hear back from one of the nursing homes I contacted (the one where I actually spoke to someone and sent her some videos) and after contacting her again she said she had looked at the videos and that I was not a good "fit" for what she was looking for.  So OK.  That could mean anything.  She might want someone who sings and plays the piano, someone who sings pop songs, someone who sings and plays the guitar.  Who knows?

Still no word from either the place with the beautifuli salon room (where my partner was in 2016) or the LGBT Center.  As for the latter, when I see my friend I might ask her to forward me the email she sent to her contact, as I have not heard from him.

Today I called another nursing home.

I also realized that I could ask my choir colleague if the residence where she lives still has concerts on Thursdays.  I did sing there once, but then our choir rehearsal night got switched to Thursday.  Maybe I can sing there in the summer when we are off?

What makes me so sad is that what I need is to do solo singing in front of an "audience".  I need that the way a plant needs water and I'm not getting any of that kind of nourishment.  I even looked at various places that offer performance classes but first they cost too much, and second, I am terrified of being the oldest and least proficient.

So all I can do now is work.  I am, believe it or not, tired of the dramatic mezzo rep that I struggled with for so many years; bored with Carmen and Dalila.  What is my new love?  Handel and Rossini!  That makes sense, because really, my favorite thing to sing is "Rejoice Greatly".  It's flashy and just high enough to sound high but not too high, and there is no sustained float-y high singing, which is my nemesis.

So I made a list of arias to work on.  Some had daunted me in the past and I had written them off.  But now, maybe.  They are:

"Tanti Affetti" from Rossini's Donna del Lago
"Bel Raggio" from Rossini's Semiramide
"Dopo Notte" from Handel's Ariodonte
and possibly
"Non piu di Fiori" from Mozart's Clemenza di Tito
"Ah, Mon Fils" from Meyerbeer's Le Prophete

and I might revisit Mozart's "Laudamus te" from the Great Mass.

Tonight I (tenatively and with many stops and starts) sang through "Tanti Affetti".  It has a lot of B flats, but they are all in runs, which I do well.  I said "a lot".  I mean 11.  I have no idea if the piece will ever be "performance ready", but if I don't try then it definitely never will. Nowadays a B flat feels like a G once felt.  And yes, in this practice session today I nailed all 11.

On the subject of being unable to find opportunities, I had another insight the other day.  Performance opportunities are like neighborhoods, and as the years go by, the smaller humbler ones have now all become gentrified (aka exploited by emerging professionals, semi-professionals, and professionals looking to sing a role they aren't singing professionally right now), which pushes anyone with a modest "package" (how I would describe myself) out. 

Maybe if I want an audience I will stop singing in the bathroom and sing behind my front door.  My electric keyboard is on my dining table, which is near my front door (if I know a piece, I sing it in my bathroom with a pitch pipe to check pitches).

On the other hand, my nextdoor neighbor goes to the Met once a week (it's around the corner, remember?) and the man down the hall is a music critic. Never did I so yearn to be surrounded by lager louts. They might tell me to stop "screaming" - but would probably think I'm the real deal.