I am still making myself sing. This evening I sang "Amapola", her favorite song. I don't know if I will ever go back to singing heavy opera or anything requiring vocal power above a G or G sharp. I will sing in church.
We had fights, and there were things about her I didn't like (she never understood my obsession with singing opera and was fiendishly jealous of my being around straight men, particularly in story lines with too much sex), but the past three years with her have been a gift. She surrendered her business to me and her body to her bed, where she just "stayed in and stayed cute". She smiled a lot, so I know she was happy.
That I will never see her smile again is so crushingly unbearable that I don't know if I can go on, really.
I want to make it to June or July to scatter her ashes in Maine. And conduct a memorial service. After that I am done.
I may not write anything here again. I may start a blog or an online memory book about her.
BabyD, It feels inadequate to say that I'm sorry for your loss, but I have no other words. I'm keeping you in my thoughts as you grieve.
ReplyDeleteHi BabyD, You haven't published my previous comment, so I assume you aren't up to keeping up with comments. I wish I had an email address because I am worried about you. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose the love of your life during a shelter in place order. I'm hoping that you are taking care of yourself as you grieve, and singing whenever you feel up to it. Most of all, I hope you have in person friends and church members who are checking up on you.
ReplyDeleteDear Tisha, I am sorry that my not publishing your comment led to your worrying. I have just decided that I am going to say goodbye to this blog for now. I guess partly it's that the things that were important to me when I started it are not that important now although I am still making myself practice every day and my nose is still out of joint over "Little Miss" who has now taken over the singing at my church because she has a boyfriend who is a violinist and they are young and tech savvy and can videostream themselves. I can't do any of those things. I don't have a resident accompanist and can't do selfie videos (I can only participate in a Zoom meeting that someone else "hosts") so I am basically out of luck. For my own sanity I have stopped watching the services on Facebook which is OK. I am heartbroken but am solidering on. I have been spending time cleaning out her apartment (I consider that "essential work" and I take the subway or a taxi) and have taken home lots of photographs and letters to sort through. I am a little nervous about typing in my email address but you can find me on Facebook under my real name: Rebecca MacLean.
ReplyDelete