This year's Holy Week went pretty well for me.
I had a solo on Maundy Thursday, "Qui Sedes ad Dextram Patris" from the Bach B Minor Mass. The church sexton made a cell phone video of it. He does a terrific job with these. A few weeks ago he made one of the choir singing a piece for Palm Sunday. This is probably the best video I have of myself singing because he shot me facing front instead of in profile. I look much better head on than in profile. Also because the piece was in a lower register and I was not nervous about my support and did not have to constantly think about vocal technique, I looked more composed.
On Good Friday the choir sang a variety of different pieces using the text of Jesus's last words, by Bach, Mendelssohn, Haydn, Franck, Gounod, and others. I sang the alto line in a solo quartet that was part of the Haydn piece. I thought overall the service went well. I always find it very moving to participate in this service even though I am not Christian. It is a magical piece of sacred theater and you won't find anything that gripping in a UU church, I can tell you.
Easter Sunday we sang an anthem and the "Hallelujah Chorus". I think the soprano part in the "Hallelujah Chorus" is absolutely the hardest thing I ever have to sing; much harder than "Rejoice Greatly". Anyhow, this time I bailed and sang the alto part because we sang it at the end of the service rather than at the beginning and by then I was too tired to sing the soprano part. It meant I would have had to sing it after being "shabbas goy" for all the communion hymns. If I have to sing a difficult soprano part I usually don't sing the hymns but I have to sing the communion hymns (which usually come after the anthem) because the choir people don't sing if they're taking communion (or even afterwards). I did find the alto part easier to sing than in the past because that lower middle part of my voice that goes through the passaggio is stronger than it used to be. I just don't want to be stuck in the alto section permanently (that's why I'm happy we sing pieces with divisi so I can sing second soprano) not because I don't like singing low, but because alto parts have a much shorter range than soprano parts. Some soprano parts go low, but alto parts never go high. So it's like going to a gym and only exercising half my body.
In other news, today a nurse from a managed long-term care company came to interview me and my partner. She is now approved for 24 hour care, but it will be sleep in care. That is fine, the only problem is that it means we will lose the aides we have because they work split shifts and I don't think the day people (whom we really like) are available for sleep in.
I also am nervous because we were told originally that our arrangement with the city ends April 30, but now we are told that the arrangement with the managed care company won't start until June 1. My partner can't be left in the lurch for a whole month and there is not money to pay anyone.
Monday, April 17, 2017
Sunday, April 2, 2017
Pre-Obit
And I hope the real obit doesn't have to be written for a long time.
I just found out that someone I have known online for over a decade (and hence know quite a bit about) has inoperable cancer and is in a hospice setup in his home.
My relationship with this man has been unusual. The most important thing in all this is that he was the person responsible for my deciding to look for a Lutheran church to sing in. He has been a choir director (a rather snooty one - we have had our arguments over my being offended by some of his disparaging comments about amateur choirs, not to mention my sense that he would never have considered me good enough to sing in one of his paid choirs), and, therefore, over a decade ago now, I asked him where to find a choir that might be interested in me.
After I left the Unitarian church where I was "discovered" (I needed to get away from The Mentor and anyhow they had scrapped most of the classical music) I tried auditioning for the only Unitarian church that does have classical music, which rejected me because I did not know how to sing "straight tone". I also do not sightread very well although I managed to pass their sight reading test.
My friend suggested that I might have better luck with Lutheran choirs. That they preferred bigger voices, did not sing much of a repertoire requiring straight tone, and, as most of them were all volunteer, did not expect people to sightread perfectly.
Which is how I ended up where I am.
Over the past decade I have followed this man's life through Facebook posts and a blog community I used to belong to, and was aware that he was one of the myriad people I know (in real life or not) who had three things that I have always longed for and will probably never have: a successful career in music (I'd actually be happy to have had a successful career in anything), a spouse (he's had several) who was a partner and helpmeet rather than the high-maintenance "project" that my loved one has always been, and a nice "grownup" looking living space.
As I felt with the voice coach I referenced here http://babydramatic.blogspot.com/2014/08/in-memoriam.html , here is a person with everything to live for, so why is he leaving us (whenever that may be) and I am still here? I suppose I am still here because my partner needs me. I have no family, did nothing to "write home about" with any of my talents, and have few close friends.
I remember once this man wrote to me about how much he admired me for something (it was something private, so I don't want to write about it here) and I was absolutely nonplussed. This is something that I did over 40 years ago, that I basically take for granted. I may have thought of it as something to admire in the early subsequent years, but certainly not now. It didn't garner me much. Whatever I did after that watershed was basically too little too late.
I doubt that man will read this, but if he does, I want him to know that he is in my prayers.
In other news, we are approaching the final (!) hurdle with my partner's care. A nurse came from the city and certified her for 24/7 care (she was given a score of 23 out of 32, the higher the number, the more care you need). Now we just have to wait for a nurse from a long-term managed care company (we have selected which one) to see her and complete the paperwork. We are not out of the woods yet and I am still nervous because our current setup expires April 30.
And finally, a bit of naval gazing (if I now have time for that again, things must be better in an odd way). I realized that the demographic I am most envious of are the Gen Xrs. Not Millennials - I see a lot of them having a very hard time. Of course I am speaking of white, middle class-born women. These women married later, were choosier about partners, expected to have careers, and got along with their parents for the most part. I had said in the past that I felt that these women were more apt to put education and careers before relationships and marry for money (or at least with the income of the partner being a factor), but really I think the two things these women always had that women of my generation didn't was being in an environment where being smart and doing well in school was "cool", and believing that adults (particularly their parents) were a support system that it was OK to use, not "the enemy". Of course I (and many women I know who are my age) made a mess of things. We alienated ourselves from adults and latched onto the first sexual partner we could find as a support system instead.
Thinking about the man who is dying, I of course contemplate my own mortality. I hope I don't die before I do something big with one or more of my talents, which I certainly have not done up to this point. Maybe my partner and I will die together holding hands and what I did or didn't achieve won't matter. That would be nice.
I just found out that someone I have known online for over a decade (and hence know quite a bit about) has inoperable cancer and is in a hospice setup in his home.
My relationship with this man has been unusual. The most important thing in all this is that he was the person responsible for my deciding to look for a Lutheran church to sing in. He has been a choir director (a rather snooty one - we have had our arguments over my being offended by some of his disparaging comments about amateur choirs, not to mention my sense that he would never have considered me good enough to sing in one of his paid choirs), and, therefore, over a decade ago now, I asked him where to find a choir that might be interested in me.
After I left the Unitarian church where I was "discovered" (I needed to get away from The Mentor and anyhow they had scrapped most of the classical music) I tried auditioning for the only Unitarian church that does have classical music, which rejected me because I did not know how to sing "straight tone". I also do not sightread very well although I managed to pass their sight reading test.
My friend suggested that I might have better luck with Lutheran choirs. That they preferred bigger voices, did not sing much of a repertoire requiring straight tone, and, as most of them were all volunteer, did not expect people to sightread perfectly.
Which is how I ended up where I am.
Over the past decade I have followed this man's life through Facebook posts and a blog community I used to belong to, and was aware that he was one of the myriad people I know (in real life or not) who had three things that I have always longed for and will probably never have: a successful career in music (I'd actually be happy to have had a successful career in anything), a spouse (he's had several) who was a partner and helpmeet rather than the high-maintenance "project" that my loved one has always been, and a nice "grownup" looking living space.
As I felt with the voice coach I referenced here http://babydramatic.blogspot.com/2014/08/in-memoriam.html , here is a person with everything to live for, so why is he leaving us (whenever that may be) and I am still here? I suppose I am still here because my partner needs me. I have no family, did nothing to "write home about" with any of my talents, and have few close friends.
I remember once this man wrote to me about how much he admired me for something (it was something private, so I don't want to write about it here) and I was absolutely nonplussed. This is something that I did over 40 years ago, that I basically take for granted. I may have thought of it as something to admire in the early subsequent years, but certainly not now. It didn't garner me much. Whatever I did after that watershed was basically too little too late.
I doubt that man will read this, but if he does, I want him to know that he is in my prayers.
In other news, we are approaching the final (!) hurdle with my partner's care. A nurse came from the city and certified her for 24/7 care (she was given a score of 23 out of 32, the higher the number, the more care you need). Now we just have to wait for a nurse from a long-term managed care company (we have selected which one) to see her and complete the paperwork. We are not out of the woods yet and I am still nervous because our current setup expires April 30.
And finally, a bit of naval gazing (if I now have time for that again, things must be better in an odd way). I realized that the demographic I am most envious of are the Gen Xrs. Not Millennials - I see a lot of them having a very hard time. Of course I am speaking of white, middle class-born women. These women married later, were choosier about partners, expected to have careers, and got along with their parents for the most part. I had said in the past that I felt that these women were more apt to put education and careers before relationships and marry for money (or at least with the income of the partner being a factor), but really I think the two things these women always had that women of my generation didn't was being in an environment where being smart and doing well in school was "cool", and believing that adults (particularly their parents) were a support system that it was OK to use, not "the enemy". Of course I (and many women I know who are my age) made a mess of things. We alienated ourselves from adults and latched onto the first sexual partner we could find as a support system instead.
Thinking about the man who is dying, I of course contemplate my own mortality. I hope I don't die before I do something big with one or more of my talents, which I certainly have not done up to this point. Maybe my partner and I will die together holding hands and what I did or didn't achieve won't matter. That would be nice.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
I'm Still Here
I am not sure where things left off...
My partner is now home. She has a rota of aides from an agency, paid for by Medicaid. They are all experienced and take good care of her.
Somewhere during the time she was in the nursing home in Queens my laptop died. I now have a new one but it took 10 days to get someone to come to the house to set it up. I am still fumbling a bit with the new touch pad, and had a few glitches (I was told that they are common glitches in the new version of Windows 10), but now know (I think) how to handle them.
I need to make work a priority for the rest of March.
I still managed to practice every day. I am singing "Qui Sedes ad Dextram Patris" from the Bach B Minor Mass on Maundy Thursday and will have the alto solo line in a piece by Haydn (which I have not seen) for Good Friday.
I have let my opera repertoire lapse, except for singing through the Enzo and Laura duet from Gioconda because if I do a concert with my teacher (it will be based on the material from my birthday concert with some additions and deletions) that would be a nice upbeat bit of opera to include.
I vocalize up to a high C several times a week and my technical progress has held.
Right now the most important thing is making the end of my partner's life as happy as possible. Devoting oneself to a human life rather than a career or other personal goals does not make one a loser and it does not matter whether the person "deserves" this or not. That is my bit of wisdom for 2017. Why shouldn't I devote my time to caring for her? As long as I can do some singing and enough editing to supplement my Social Security. It is unlikely that I would devote myself to trying to have an "encore career" (in the sense of finding something to doooo for a living that I just loooove) whether I were taking care of her or not, so maybe it is time to stop beating myself with that. There are many things I love to do, so I can just treat working for a living as a necessary evil (as generations did before me) and move on.
I probably won't write as much as I used to. Regardless of how many hardships I have had lately, I am a lot less bored and hence have a lot less "existential distress".
My partner is now home. She has a rota of aides from an agency, paid for by Medicaid. They are all experienced and take good care of her.
Somewhere during the time she was in the nursing home in Queens my laptop died. I now have a new one but it took 10 days to get someone to come to the house to set it up. I am still fumbling a bit with the new touch pad, and had a few glitches (I was told that they are common glitches in the new version of Windows 10), but now know (I think) how to handle them.
I need to make work a priority for the rest of March.
I still managed to practice every day. I am singing "Qui Sedes ad Dextram Patris" from the Bach B Minor Mass on Maundy Thursday and will have the alto solo line in a piece by Haydn (which I have not seen) for Good Friday.
I have let my opera repertoire lapse, except for singing through the Enzo and Laura duet from Gioconda because if I do a concert with my teacher (it will be based on the material from my birthday concert with some additions and deletions) that would be a nice upbeat bit of opera to include.
I vocalize up to a high C several times a week and my technical progress has held.
Right now the most important thing is making the end of my partner's life as happy as possible. Devoting oneself to a human life rather than a career or other personal goals does not make one a loser and it does not matter whether the person "deserves" this or not. That is my bit of wisdom for 2017. Why shouldn't I devote my time to caring for her? As long as I can do some singing and enough editing to supplement my Social Security. It is unlikely that I would devote myself to trying to have an "encore career" (in the sense of finding something to doooo for a living that I just loooove) whether I were taking care of her or not, so maybe it is time to stop beating myself with that. There are many things I love to do, so I can just treat working for a living as a necessary evil (as generations did before me) and move on.
I probably won't write as much as I used to. Regardless of how many hardships I have had lately, I am a lot less bored and hence have a lot less "existential distress".
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Miles to Go Still: But Maybe Some Music in the Future
My partner now has Medicaid (it's what's called "Community Medicaid") however no nurse assessment has been forthcoming.
I used up almost all her discretionary income paying the private aide and then raised $2000 on GoFundMe which paid for the last 8 days (she is currently in a nursing home in Queens). I was tearfully astounded at how many people contributed to the campaign. This touches on my seemingly contradictory statements that I have no close friends but do have a social life (someone accused me of "arguing" when I said both those things at different times and I was quite surprised that she did not understand that "close friends" and "a social life" are not synonymous).
So many people (I know) do care about me and are able to provide sympathy, advice (if I want it), a hug, even money, but no one has time. I am not a priority with anyone. I have no "in case of emergency please notify". Everyone is busy with their jobs, family, family-related travel, or travel for pleasure. A point of comparison is that over 20 people gave money to the campaign, but only two people provided helping hands, and this over a period of now five months.
How things got to where they are now, is that my partner began acting oddly (the aide said she had Alzheimers) and was very listless, so we had a doctor come to the house and he said she needed to go to the ER. She was discharged after 48 hours and not formally admitted, so she could not go back to the nursing home on the Upper West Side where she had been. They wanted to send her home, despite her lack of money for home care, but I screamed and sobbed, so finally they found a spot for her in a nursing home in Queens. Yesterday I heard from the home care agency. I hope they come evaluate her and she can come home with help. She can't stay in the nursing home in Queens (it takes me two hours to get there and two hours to get back, and there's noplace to buy anything decent for lunch) and anyhow, she can't transition onto "nursing home Medicaid" yet (I don't want to say too much about that in a public blog). My long-term plan is for her to go home, and then if she has another medical crisis, for me to find a way to get her back into the nursing home on the Upper West Side. I think she realizes that she won't be able to be home forever.
As for singing, well, I had to miss choir rehearsal last Thursday because that was when she was being transferred to Queens. But I do practice every day, even if it's just for a half hour. My upper register that I've fought so hard for is still there. I am probably singing the soprano part in "Glory of the Lord" from the Messiah, which we are doing in two weeks.
I have one or two tentative solos for Lent/Holy Week. One thing I like about this new Minister of Music is that he contacts all the soloists ahead of each season with available dates and asks us each to pick one or two choices. That feels better than having the onus always on me. I said my first choice was singing "Qui Sedes al Dextram Patris" on Maundy Thursday, otherwise I said I would sing on April 2 at 11 when there doesn't seem to be anything scheduled. Based on the reading for that service, I thought I could sing "Patiently I Have Waited for the Lord" from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio. It's not Christmassy at all. And speaking of Saint Saens, one little known opera that I have always loved is Henry VIII. The role of Anne Boleyn is for a heavy lyric or a dramatic mezzo and she has a gorgeous aria. It has a sustained high B flat, but I think I could sing that now. And I was able to download the score for free! I still have not felt like making concert plans; I want to have something settled about my partner's care, but I will do that eventually.
I used up almost all her discretionary income paying the private aide and then raised $2000 on GoFundMe which paid for the last 8 days (she is currently in a nursing home in Queens). I was tearfully astounded at how many people contributed to the campaign. This touches on my seemingly contradictory statements that I have no close friends but do have a social life (someone accused me of "arguing" when I said both those things at different times and I was quite surprised that she did not understand that "close friends" and "a social life" are not synonymous).
So many people (I know) do care about me and are able to provide sympathy, advice (if I want it), a hug, even money, but no one has time. I am not a priority with anyone. I have no "in case of emergency please notify". Everyone is busy with their jobs, family, family-related travel, or travel for pleasure. A point of comparison is that over 20 people gave money to the campaign, but only two people provided helping hands, and this over a period of now five months.
How things got to where they are now, is that my partner began acting oddly (the aide said she had Alzheimers) and was very listless, so we had a doctor come to the house and he said she needed to go to the ER. She was discharged after 48 hours and not formally admitted, so she could not go back to the nursing home on the Upper West Side where she had been. They wanted to send her home, despite her lack of money for home care, but I screamed and sobbed, so finally they found a spot for her in a nursing home in Queens. Yesterday I heard from the home care agency. I hope they come evaluate her and she can come home with help. She can't stay in the nursing home in Queens (it takes me two hours to get there and two hours to get back, and there's noplace to buy anything decent for lunch) and anyhow, she can't transition onto "nursing home Medicaid" yet (I don't want to say too much about that in a public blog). My long-term plan is for her to go home, and then if she has another medical crisis, for me to find a way to get her back into the nursing home on the Upper West Side. I think she realizes that she won't be able to be home forever.
As for singing, well, I had to miss choir rehearsal last Thursday because that was when she was being transferred to Queens. But I do practice every day, even if it's just for a half hour. My upper register that I've fought so hard for is still there. I am probably singing the soprano part in "Glory of the Lord" from the Messiah, which we are doing in two weeks.
I have one or two tentative solos for Lent/Holy Week. One thing I like about this new Minister of Music is that he contacts all the soloists ahead of each season with available dates and asks us each to pick one or two choices. That feels better than having the onus always on me. I said my first choice was singing "Qui Sedes al Dextram Patris" on Maundy Thursday, otherwise I said I would sing on April 2 at 11 when there doesn't seem to be anything scheduled. Based on the reading for that service, I thought I could sing "Patiently I Have Waited for the Lord" from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio. It's not Christmassy at all. And speaking of Saint Saens, one little known opera that I have always loved is Henry VIII. The role of Anne Boleyn is for a heavy lyric or a dramatic mezzo and she has a gorgeous aria. It has a sustained high B flat, but I think I could sing that now. And I was able to download the score for free! I still have not felt like making concert plans; I want to have something settled about my partner's care, but I will do that eventually.
Friday, January 27, 2017
Don't Worry; It Gets Worse
Nothing is happening on the Medicaid front. Or rather, things are creeping along. Will her money outlast this dawdling? I have no idea. Money is still hemorrhaging out paying for the private aide. The nursing home screwed up the paperwork yet again. The Medicaid Group that is helping us wants more money. The money that was supposed to come from Texas on the 24th did not come. (I called the bank manager and she is looking into it; the money comes from rents from a farm that my partner and some of her relatives own). I told the CEO of the Medicaid group that I would make a partial payment but not a complete final payment. She is very nice and seemed to be OK with that. My partner is confused. OK, so she meets the textbook definition of compos mentis but she certainly can't wrap her head around all these financial intricacies and what's possible and what isn't. (We are going to try to get her free help from the city until the application is approved.)
And then there's Trump. Everything he has done is so fascistic there are no words. Other people seem to be able to discourse about these things better than I can, even though everyone always thought I was smart and I am good with words. Most of my friends across the country went to the women's march. I didn't. I thought my place was with my partner, taking care of her. Particularly if there was even a .02 percent chance I might be in harm's way. I have no idea if these marches will accomplish anything. What frightens me the most about Trump isn't even his assault on healthcare, but his assault on journalists and scientists. If truth-tellers are muzzled, what kind of country are we living in? I can't believe that Congress, even a Republican Congress, can support these things.
So am I singing. Yes, I try to practice every day. My upper register keeps getting more secure although when I went over the Amneris/Radames duet at my lesson on Tuesday the first high B flat sounded straight and strident. Subsequent ones sounded better but of course the acid test is how the phrase sounds after singing the entire scene. I don't think I want to sing it in public right now, which is fine.
I spoke to my teacher about planning a concert at the nursing home where my partner was. I should certainly be out of the woods with all this by May. I think I will do a variant of my birthday concert, taking out some of the numbers I didn't care for all that much and substituting them with some solos for my teacher and maybe one duet from an opera. I do want to sing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" and "Home Sweet Home", two simple songs that I have a very powerful emotional connection with.
Choir rehearsal last night was a dud. We were working on a spiritual with a high soprano part. I certainly could have sung it - or not. The choir director asked most of the second sopranos to sing the alto part instead and asked the altos to sing the tenor part. There are very few men, and there was a split bass part, so he split that between the tenors and basses. I don't care what part I sing, really, if it's in the interests of the piece as a whole, but I really resent being told which part I would find more "comfortable". No, I do not find it more comfortable to sing a part that sits around the E at the bottom of the staff. That takes a lot of finesse, moving in and out of chest voice. This is an important skill for this mezzo to have, so that's fine. It was his use of the word "comfortable" that really teed me off. How does he know what is or isn't comfortable for me to sing? Like most dramatic mezzos, when I sound like I'm pushing my voice and screaming is when I am singing with the least tension and get the least tired. I would have had no problem if the choir director had said that he wanted X vocal color on the top line, not Y vocal color. That's an artistic decision which is fine. Also I think I would have been less angry if there had been some of the trained high sopranos there. But what he did was have one second soprano (who does have high notes, just a bit straight-toney) sing up there and then one of the other second sopranos (the only person I can think of in the choir who can barely carry a tune and can't even make it up to a G!) asked if she could "try" to sing the top part and he said yes. As I said, I don't mind being told that my vocal palette is not right for a particular piece of music or part, but I really resent being told I need to take the easy route, like someone who is less skilled.
Maybe it's time for me to start planning another concert.
And then there's Trump. Everything he has done is so fascistic there are no words. Other people seem to be able to discourse about these things better than I can, even though everyone always thought I was smart and I am good with words. Most of my friends across the country went to the women's march. I didn't. I thought my place was with my partner, taking care of her. Particularly if there was even a .02 percent chance I might be in harm's way. I have no idea if these marches will accomplish anything. What frightens me the most about Trump isn't even his assault on healthcare, but his assault on journalists and scientists. If truth-tellers are muzzled, what kind of country are we living in? I can't believe that Congress, even a Republican Congress, can support these things.
So am I singing. Yes, I try to practice every day. My upper register keeps getting more secure although when I went over the Amneris/Radames duet at my lesson on Tuesday the first high B flat sounded straight and strident. Subsequent ones sounded better but of course the acid test is how the phrase sounds after singing the entire scene. I don't think I want to sing it in public right now, which is fine.
I spoke to my teacher about planning a concert at the nursing home where my partner was. I should certainly be out of the woods with all this by May. I think I will do a variant of my birthday concert, taking out some of the numbers I didn't care for all that much and substituting them with some solos for my teacher and maybe one duet from an opera. I do want to sing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" and "Home Sweet Home", two simple songs that I have a very powerful emotional connection with.
Choir rehearsal last night was a dud. We were working on a spiritual with a high soprano part. I certainly could have sung it - or not. The choir director asked most of the second sopranos to sing the alto part instead and asked the altos to sing the tenor part. There are very few men, and there was a split bass part, so he split that between the tenors and basses. I don't care what part I sing, really, if it's in the interests of the piece as a whole, but I really resent being told which part I would find more "comfortable". No, I do not find it more comfortable to sing a part that sits around the E at the bottom of the staff. That takes a lot of finesse, moving in and out of chest voice. This is an important skill for this mezzo to have, so that's fine. It was his use of the word "comfortable" that really teed me off. How does he know what is or isn't comfortable for me to sing? Like most dramatic mezzos, when I sound like I'm pushing my voice and screaming is when I am singing with the least tension and get the least tired. I would have had no problem if the choir director had said that he wanted X vocal color on the top line, not Y vocal color. That's an artistic decision which is fine. Also I think I would have been less angry if there had been some of the trained high sopranos there. But what he did was have one second soprano (who does have high notes, just a bit straight-toney) sing up there and then one of the other second sopranos (the only person I can think of in the choir who can barely carry a tune and can't even make it up to a G!) asked if she could "try" to sing the top part and he said yes. As I said, I don't mind being told that my vocal palette is not right for a particular piece of music or part, but I really resent being told I need to take the easy route, like someone who is less skilled.
Maybe it's time for me to start planning another concert.
Monday, January 2, 2017
Miles to Go Still
I know this seems an odd title for a New Year's post, but there you have it.
My partner is home after almost three months in a nursing home/rehab.
Money is hemorrhaging out of her bank accounts to pay for a private aide. A Medicaid application has been prepared, to be sent tomorrow, that is, if I did the "Docusign" signature on my phone correctly (when I had to sign the document, I was not home at my laptop). I signed my own name which I think is OK because I have a Power of Attorney.
There is still more work than I can cope with and a few weeks ago I had a meltdown of massive proportions. I am trapped in a situation with two choices that are equally damaging to my mental health. Although only one is damaging to my moral sense, which means I know my choice. I could not live with myself if I walked out on all this. As it is, I am under constant stress, and as for my own life, well, let's forget that, although I did manage to sing "Rejoice Greatly" yesterday morning, probably a personal best, to an "audience" of less than 20 people.
I spent five days supervising a cleanup crew taking 60 years of clutter out of her apartment. This included 20 bags of papers and documents (some almost 60 years old) to take to an industrial shredder. I paid myself $100 a day, which was far less than the task was worth, but at least compensated me for the lost work hours (to pay my bills, now that I get Social Security, I need to work 20 hours a week copyediting, which I can do any time, usually early in the morning or late at night because the more tired I am, the better, as the work is mostly so boring). Mostly the payment to myself was symbolic, signaling to my partner the massive nuisance that I considered all this to be.
After that I was tasked with reorganizing all her bank accounts. I got an email full of numbers and was told I had to do about five things in 48 hours with, of course, no help, because everyone was going on vacation. I ended up making an enemy of the case worker because I screamed at her over the phone. Any social worker who can't deal with a distraught client shouldn't be in that business, IMHO.
There are still a few monetary tasks left, mostly setting up a trust, of which I will be the trustee, so that I can pay her rent.
If she has Medicaid she can have 24/7 aides. She can't sit up unassisted or get out of bed unassisted. She can walk (barely) from one room to the next with a walker and the aide behind her. She is looking better because the aide is cooking her three meals a day of her own choosing (the nursing home food was ghastly although she ate more there than she had been doing at home).
She will get physical and occupational therapy at home.
I hope Medicaid kicks in soon or all her money will be gone paying for the private aides.
The bitter irony is that now I have the vocal technique I always dreamed of but have no time to make long-term plans. I do practice every day, but I had hoped to do more. I can't really make any "BabyD-centric" long-term plans about anything. There are days when I feel lucky to snatch some quiet time in front of the tv with my cat, although one blessing to having her in her home is I can sleep over and we can snuggle. Maybe Heaven is how I feel drifting off to sleep holding her hand. On the other hand, Heaven is feeling the way I do singing "Rejoice". Couldn't I have both?
I didn't make any New Years resolutions other than trying to love the situation I'm in. Overseeing all these moving pieces so that my partner's last years are as comfortable and pleasant as possible. Some people would love that, being a big mover and shaker, even in a family situation. The problem is that's not my calling. I do it because I love her, not because I want to be Big Momma.
Years ago (or so it seems) I was chastised for envying the young singers I meet who don't seem to have much to worry about other than choosing material for a recital or an audition, buying gowns, and having head shots taken. (I actually got one for free at the church, which I will post here). They have fun with their musician friends, and probably the worst thing they have to endure is an icky day job, which at least they can leave at the end of the day. But really, is it any wonder I wish I could click my heels together three times and be 30 (and sing the way I do now)?
My partner is home after almost three months in a nursing home/rehab.
Money is hemorrhaging out of her bank accounts to pay for a private aide. A Medicaid application has been prepared, to be sent tomorrow, that is, if I did the "Docusign" signature on my phone correctly (when I had to sign the document, I was not home at my laptop). I signed my own name which I think is OK because I have a Power of Attorney.
There is still more work than I can cope with and a few weeks ago I had a meltdown of massive proportions. I am trapped in a situation with two choices that are equally damaging to my mental health. Although only one is damaging to my moral sense, which means I know my choice. I could not live with myself if I walked out on all this. As it is, I am under constant stress, and as for my own life, well, let's forget that, although I did manage to sing "Rejoice Greatly" yesterday morning, probably a personal best, to an "audience" of less than 20 people.
I spent five days supervising a cleanup crew taking 60 years of clutter out of her apartment. This included 20 bags of papers and documents (some almost 60 years old) to take to an industrial shredder. I paid myself $100 a day, which was far less than the task was worth, but at least compensated me for the lost work hours (to pay my bills, now that I get Social Security, I need to work 20 hours a week copyediting, which I can do any time, usually early in the morning or late at night because the more tired I am, the better, as the work is mostly so boring). Mostly the payment to myself was symbolic, signaling to my partner the massive nuisance that I considered all this to be.
After that I was tasked with reorganizing all her bank accounts. I got an email full of numbers and was told I had to do about five things in 48 hours with, of course, no help, because everyone was going on vacation. I ended up making an enemy of the case worker because I screamed at her over the phone. Any social worker who can't deal with a distraught client shouldn't be in that business, IMHO.
There are still a few monetary tasks left, mostly setting up a trust, of which I will be the trustee, so that I can pay her rent.
If she has Medicaid she can have 24/7 aides. She can't sit up unassisted or get out of bed unassisted. She can walk (barely) from one room to the next with a walker and the aide behind her. She is looking better because the aide is cooking her three meals a day of her own choosing (the nursing home food was ghastly although she ate more there than she had been doing at home).
She will get physical and occupational therapy at home.
I hope Medicaid kicks in soon or all her money will be gone paying for the private aides.
The bitter irony is that now I have the vocal technique I always dreamed of but have no time to make long-term plans. I do practice every day, but I had hoped to do more. I can't really make any "BabyD-centric" long-term plans about anything. There are days when I feel lucky to snatch some quiet time in front of the tv with my cat, although one blessing to having her in her home is I can sleep over and we can snuggle. Maybe Heaven is how I feel drifting off to sleep holding her hand. On the other hand, Heaven is feeling the way I do singing "Rejoice". Couldn't I have both?
I didn't make any New Years resolutions other than trying to love the situation I'm in. Overseeing all these moving pieces so that my partner's last years are as comfortable and pleasant as possible. Some people would love that, being a big mover and shaker, even in a family situation. The problem is that's not my calling. I do it because I love her, not because I want to be Big Momma.
Years ago (or so it seems) I was chastised for envying the young singers I meet who don't seem to have much to worry about other than choosing material for a recital or an audition, buying gowns, and having head shots taken. (I actually got one for free at the church, which I will post here). They have fun with their musician friends, and probably the worst thing they have to endure is an icky day job, which at least they can leave at the end of the day. But really, is it any wonder I wish I could click my heels together three times and be 30 (and sing the way I do now)?
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Miles to Go
The reason you haven't heard from me for a while is that I have been engrossed in my partner's progress in the rehab nursing home. She has been there now for close to two months and she will probably be discharged before the New Year. Not my choice. I would prefer her to stay there, but the social worker is pushing her to go home.
Some conditions have been set, the first of which is for that three room apartment, filled with 60 plus years of accumulated junk, to be aggressively and ruthlessly shoveled out and professionally cleaned. This will cost well over $5000. (Shouldn't be an issue as she now has to spend down to get Medicaid). It will also take at least five work days (they work 10-5). Supervising this (which I have to do, to tell them what can stay and what can go) is not really what I wanted to be doing with my December, but I will suck it up, as the young people say. I said I cannot be available Monday (my tutoring day), Thursday (my Pilates and choir day), or any day that the choir is singing. In the meantime I have been visiting my partner in the nursing home every day. It is on the same subway line that I live, and that all my activities are on, so it is much less onerous than going to her apartment.
Another condition to her discharge is that she has to have an aide with her all day (not sure if this is just weekdays, or also weekends). She will pay for these herself until her money is gone, and then go on Medicaid.
Her finances will be outsourced so that she doesn't have to see any financial documents. Someone else will take care of the paperwork to get her on Medicaid. She will pay for this service also.
So a lot will be taken off my hands.
As I said, this scenario would not have been my choice, but....
I am writing partly because I am starting to get restless now that I have not felt free to plan another concert. Once she is settled I will see if I can put on a concert at the nursing home where she has been. They have concerts on Saturday afternoons. Or I can go back in the Spring to SAGE, where I put on Carmen and Il Trovatore.
I am going to sing "Rejoice Greatly" on January 1. I sing it very well. The original choir director told me he didn't like "heavy voices" singing that piece but I guess the new Director of Music feels differently. In the meantime I am working on an aria from Alcina to keep my voice in the right place for singing Handel. No matter what, I practice every day, even if it's just for 45 minutes.
Then I saw a photo someone posted of concert soloists in gowns, in a church, and I wanted to wail with envy and anguish. That is what I could kill to be doing. I have given up any idea of singing opera in costume with staging, for a variety of reasons, but I won't give up my dream of singing solos from an oratorio, beautifully dressed, with a sea of men and women in black behind me. I will chase that until I can no longer sing - which won't be any time soon.
Some conditions have been set, the first of which is for that three room apartment, filled with 60 plus years of accumulated junk, to be aggressively and ruthlessly shoveled out and professionally cleaned. This will cost well over $5000. (Shouldn't be an issue as she now has to spend down to get Medicaid). It will also take at least five work days (they work 10-5). Supervising this (which I have to do, to tell them what can stay and what can go) is not really what I wanted to be doing with my December, but I will suck it up, as the young people say. I said I cannot be available Monday (my tutoring day), Thursday (my Pilates and choir day), or any day that the choir is singing. In the meantime I have been visiting my partner in the nursing home every day. It is on the same subway line that I live, and that all my activities are on, so it is much less onerous than going to her apartment.
Another condition to her discharge is that she has to have an aide with her all day (not sure if this is just weekdays, or also weekends). She will pay for these herself until her money is gone, and then go on Medicaid.
Her finances will be outsourced so that she doesn't have to see any financial documents. Someone else will take care of the paperwork to get her on Medicaid. She will pay for this service also.
So a lot will be taken off my hands.
As I said, this scenario would not have been my choice, but....
I am writing partly because I am starting to get restless now that I have not felt free to plan another concert. Once she is settled I will see if I can put on a concert at the nursing home where she has been. They have concerts on Saturday afternoons. Or I can go back in the Spring to SAGE, where I put on Carmen and Il Trovatore.
I am going to sing "Rejoice Greatly" on January 1. I sing it very well. The original choir director told me he didn't like "heavy voices" singing that piece but I guess the new Director of Music feels differently. In the meantime I am working on an aria from Alcina to keep my voice in the right place for singing Handel. No matter what, I practice every day, even if it's just for 45 minutes.
Then I saw a photo someone posted of concert soloists in gowns, in a church, and I wanted to wail with envy and anguish. That is what I could kill to be doing. I have given up any idea of singing opera in costume with staging, for a variety of reasons, but I won't give up my dream of singing solos from an oratorio, beautifully dressed, with a sea of men and women in black behind me. I will chase that until I can no longer sing - which won't be any time soon.
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