Although I do not define myself as Christian (my mother is an atheistic Jew and my father was an atheistic Scotsman) I sing in a Lutheran church. So I am getting quite a theological education, which I find fascinating, whatever I decide to do with this in terms of how I live my own life.
Today was Pentecost Sunday, which meant that people wore red, the pastors and children waved magnificent red banners, and the choir sang a lovely piece of Mozart. (I sang with the altos and had a couple of short solos.)
The theme today was The Holy Spirit (referred to as "she"!) and the pastor's sermon was on "Chaos", and how when the Holy Spirit enters one's life, chaos can ensue (I hope I got that right).
When my life changed forever on February 15, 2004, it was thrown into chaos. There were a lot of contradictions that day: I was in a house of worship, albeit a Unitarian one, in the thrall of a mentor whose attraction for me was a lot more than spiritual, singing the sexiest aria ever written, to commemorate Valentine's Day no less. Was there a Holy Spirit hole in the church ceiling that day? I now think maybe so. None of this was what I had expected to be experiencing in a church.
I had already developed a faith in God as I understood (him? her?) after finding my voice in the back of that Unitarian church, after 23 years of not singing. (Although I dreamed about singing all the time, which must say something.) But this was something more. I knew that nothing would ever be the same again.
To pursue art for no money when there are so many other things that need to be done, so many bills to be paid, so many other "more important" priorities, is, I suppose, a form of living with the Holy Spirit. For me to have scheduled a coaching for two auditions that probably won't lead to anything, when my severance check is half gone, my unemployment insurance has most likely run out, and I have no work on the horizon, is certainly a leap of faith although I'm not sure of what kind. Pretty soon things will be in a state of chaos if I don't have a full time income.
Lately there's been a very earthly voice in my ear saying "Look. If you get offered a full time job you should take it, even if it means losing valuable practice time [not to mention losing sleep] and maybe not being able to get to all the singing activities you want to. Just forget about singing all that strenuous opera. You can be a nice choir alto, even a nice choir alto soloist without overtaxing yourself, worrying about how much sleep you get, how much you talk, the nutritional value of every morsel you put in your mouth. If you have a full time job you can take a vacation. You can read novels on the train. Things can be the way they were more or less, on February 13, 2004."
But I don't think the Holy Spirit will let me.
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