What to Do When Family is not Supportive?

Truth is, I don't know.

Most people's lives revolve around work and family with some occasional mindless down time. So if you sing, or work in another art form, but it's not your livelihood, then what? Shouldn't that be the first thing to go out the window if there's too much stress in your life?

For me and my singing, it's well past the 11th hour. A colleague of mine from choir said that she lost her voice when she left her fifties. Her upper register anyhow. Well, I'll be out of my fifties in a little over two months. So if not now, when?

I happen to have been lucky enough to land two auditions: the one for the Handel opera and now, one for a concert version of a Wagner opera.

Now for those of you "real" singers out there (you know who you are) this is not "work". If I beat the odds and get one of these roles I'll probably end up spending money not making any. And so I still have to look for paying work of some kind. (If I can luck into something freelance, at least I can make my own schedule).

And these auditions are a few days before my S.O. goes into the hospital. In fact one will be at night after I've spent the afternoon with her at a doctor for a pre-op screening. So why am I bothering, people will ask? Because if not now, when? There won't be a "later". It is later.

All the work I put into this to date has been "stolen time". Stolen from job hunting, preparing for a job interview I might have next week, helping my S.O. with the herculean task of organizing paperwork.

Because I deal with two elderly family members, I see a social worker regularly to discuss how they're doing and how I'm doing.

When I met with her earlier this week she said I must not cancel these auditions. I feel (partly) that lack of support from my S.O. (whom I've been involved with for 35 years) was responsible for my giving up singing in 1980. She always thought it was a waste of time, didn't much like opera, thought I needed to focus on things that were lucrative and spend my free time traveling with her and being a part of the Lesbian community which in those days was pretty exclusive and had no room for women who still clung onto "patriarchal" art forms. I didn't know any other Lesbians who sang opera so I had no role models. If there had been someone like Patricia Racette would I have had the inner strength to soldier on? I don't know.

In any event, that was then, this is now, and my caseworker says I can't have a deja vu all over again.

You won't believe this, but I'm actually scared to tell my S.O. about this second audition (the Wagner one, which I just found out about). I'm waiting for the right time. In the meantime, I'll do a little exercise my caseworker told me to do (in fact she asked me did I journal!!!)

ME: I have another audition on Thursday night

So What Do I Think SO Will Say? I thought maybe my going into the hospital would be more important.

Truth Is You're going into the hospital a few days later.

SO Will Probably Say So what I'll get is leftovers. Maybe then I don't want you to come with me to the hospital.

My caseworker told me to "pull a cloak over myself" and just continue on. Not let grief and anger choke up my voice, go to my audition, let this blow over, show up at the hospital, remember I'm dealing with someone who's not playing with a full deck.

Now I'm going to see her off for a little holiday before her surgery. A friend will be taking care of her. So I will study my music.

(Sigh).