Coming Back to Life

I haven't written anything for a while because my mother died on October 10, and I have been both grieving and busy.

I also have suddenly gotten in a lot of freelance editing, which is what I do to pay the bills. (In fact I have had to turn down work that people wanted back in 5 days.)

We have a good lawyer who will be co-executor of the estate with me, so I will have less to do. I will get less money, but I will waste less time. There isn't a lot, but there will be something I can add to my nest egg, plus a little for my personal savings account, in case I can't manage to work full time for a while, whatever the reason.

I want to say here that my mother died without pain or fear. I spent her last 12 hours with her, holding her hand. Despite her having been an atheist her whole life, she smiled as she was leaving us, and inasmuch as it was possible, she had a "good death", meaning she died at home, pain-free, with no medical interventions to prolong things pointlessly. She died in her enormous living room in the Brooklyn Heights apartment where I grew up, facing the trees.

I haven't felt much like singing. Not because I'm too sad, but because I'm too busy. My mother never really cared about my singing. She loved classical music, but mostly as a spectator or listener. Her thing was language and literature. I want to read, I want to write, and I want to work (with the written word, which is what I do, for an hourly rate scarcely more than that of a cleaning lady).

I haven't done any blogging either here or at the other place because my priorities are work first, then sing, then if there's no paying work on my plate, I can write. (This is a stolen bit of writing, because I have been working all day since 10 am with a small break for lunch.)

Yesterday I went back to choir practice. I am, I suppose, the de facto alto section leader on a Bach cantata. It is going well. I am in a quandary about where to put myself, section-wise, since as a mezzo I'm neither one thing nor t'other. Luckily, we sing a lot of pieces with two soprano parts, so I can sing second soprano. My problem isn't the tessitura (I'm solid up to an A) so much as having to keep the volume down, which fosters tension and undoes all the good work I do with my teacher and in my own practice.

Next month I start rehearsals for Carmelites. It's a very intensive rehearsal period, ironically, right near my mother's apartment, which I will probably be clearing out for the next several months. I have a very small part and it will be memorized by November 29!! And I have a choir solo on the 14th, a nice version of "The Lord is My Shepherd" by Dvorak. And when I can squeeze in a period of vocalizing I continue to use the dreaded ascending phrase from the Amneris/Radames duet as an exercise.

Now back to work!

Above is a photo of me and my mother, taken several years ago at Fiorello's, a place where we spent many Thanksgivings and Mothers Days.

Time Out for My Mother

My mother really is dying. They have set up a hospice in her apartment. I know this is mostly a blog about singing, but I just wanted to check in.

I know I have said many hateful things about her, and she was a very difficult person (not just with me but other people too) but she was always a lovely mommy to me when I was little, always comforting me when I had a nightmare, arranging birthday parties, understanding my grief when our dog died.

So I want to be sweet to her for the remainder of her life, however long it is - two weeks, two months, I don't know.

Unfortunately I can't be physically there for her all the time because my freelance editing business has just taken off and I desperately need money. Not just in the short term, but I need to earn a decent amount (which means satisfying clients) over the next several years so that I can collect a decent amount of social security.

I haven't really felt like singing at all. But I know I must do just the basic minimum, which means singing exercises at least up to a B flat (I can't lose that hard won territory) and being sure I am spot on with the alto part for the Bach cantata if I see myself as a de facto section leader. What's interesting, is that all the crying I've done (which I think has been spiritually cleansing) has done a lot more harm to my lower register than anything else (similarly to how a cold functions - I'm blessed that I get one about every three years if that). But this alto part is not low (which is why I'm singing it!) it's mostly middle voice (and the soprano part sits around high F and G!!)

I also haven't felt much like eating. Maybe I'll lose a pound or two, who knows. I do make sure I have something with protein three times a day. In between I have my beloved flavored coffee or juice. I just don't have the stomach for anything like an apple or a salad.

So I may not be writing much here. I just didn't want my last post here to be something cynical about my mother. I feel blessed to have time to make peace.

Today's Concert

I am really too tired to write much (more on that later) but I wanted to just say that this afternoon's concert in the nursing home went well enough. My bass colleague had a bad cold that affected his hearing, so at some point in the middle of the duet from La Gioconda we were not in the same measure. Probably no one noticed it and the pianist did a good job of covering it up.

I had a ball, as always, with the Habanera and "Mon Coeur". I did a bit of a vamp, but not too much, as this was not the venue.

I found the seniors very moving - they reminded me of my partner as most of them were frail and fairly quiet and you could see the appreciation on their faces. No, it's not the kind of concert venue the Forum crowd sings in, but it's a chance to sing the music I love and make some people happy, so what more can you ask?

I "did the right thing" and thanked the woman who had helped coordinate this. Last week I was annoyed at her for forgetting that we were going to be rehearsing but everything worked out in the end, so I would be happy to do something there again.

So next up:

January Mother Jeanne in Dialogues of the Carmelites. This will entail a very intensive rehearsal schedule but it's my first time ever singing in an opera with an orchestra.

Spring 2011 concert with my teacher. We will do the deadly Amneris/Radames duet but I know by then I will be as comfortable with those B flats as I am with the As in the Judgment Scene. Wimping out is not an option. I don't know what else we'll sing, maybe a scene from La Gioconda. I also don't know if it will be just us, or if some other people will participate too. The purpose of this concert is mainly to celebrate my teacher's return to singing tenor, after several years going back to bass-baritone.

Fall 2011 Carmen with my "Samson" (shown here)?

The reason I'm so tired is that my 94 year old mother is dying of cancer. We never got along very well, and I am probably not doing everything I could or should, but she lives in Brooklyn and I need to spend time editing manuscripts to earn money. My severance check will have run out after I pay the November rent, so I am literally living from hand to mouth (I have a 401k but the money in it has to last for the rest of my life, and anyhow if I take money out of it now I'll be screwed for taxes).

This is a critical period in my life in terms of my financial profile. If I don't keep earning enough money over the next five years I will not get a decent amount from Social Security, which will affect the rest of my life. And the relationships I'm building with freelance clients will affect my livelihood for the next decade, if not more. I can't make a false move here.

I know this sounds callous but my mother is 94!! It's not like I need to savor every last minute with her because she's leaving too soon.

So I do what I can. The most draining thing is fielding endless phone calls and emails from people who are concerned, are visiting her, have visited her, etc. Luckily there are many people in Brooklyn who are close by who can visit her on the spur of the moment which I really can't. Rather ironically, my rehearsals of Carmelites will be in Brooklyn so maybe I can spend more time with her then, at least sleeping over and having breakfast.

So I'm very tired.

Of course I feel defensive about continuing to sing (not to mention spending money on lessons) while all this is going on, but I'm 60 and this is my last chance, even to do this on a tiny scale. I love the way it feels to sing the Judgment Scene from Aida and how many more years will I be able to do that?