Brief Debrief

Before I take my computer to be repaired, I just wanted to make a brief post about yesterday's performance, and post some pictures.

All in all, I was happy about how it went.  I sang well,  I acted well, and I had a ball.  I did make one huge gaffe which simply would not happen in a professional performance: I was reading along with the script offstage, so when I came on for one scene I had my glasses on!  Of course in a professional performance there is someone in the wings who checks you before you go on stage, so something like this would not happen.

Eight of the 13 people I invited showed up, and they all enjoyed it.  My sense is that the producer was lukewarm about it.  I don't know what that means.  There are some people who only make critical suggestions and don't pay compliments, so maybe she is one of them.  That is ok.  I just hope I can sing with her again.  What she said was that it needed "tweaking" (not a surprise! we only had two runthroughs and this is the first time I did anything with staging that had to be memorized in 35 years).  She mentioned that I had to stay in character when came on and off the stage, which was a useful piece of feedback.  The problem is that I do these things so infrequently that I don't have a chance to tweak or refine anything really.  She did compliment me on having memorized all that music, and implied that there would be a "next time" for this piece.

Next up: she is producing a concert for Hispanic Heritage month, so I am hoping I can sing two Manuel Garcia songs that inspired the Habanera.  I also hope I can sing "Erfreute Zeit" as a summer anthem.  And I keep hearing from the filmmaker intermittently about singing the Bach aria in her film, but she seems not to understand that she can't just give me a week's notice.  If nothing else, I will need to reserve an accompanist and their schedules really fill up.

Bookstore Success

I am extremely tired and am about to just crash and watch Jackson Brodie, but I need to let readers know that the bookstore "Habanera" was a big success.  I don't want to post the video here, because it has my real name on it (it is done very professionally as a piece of promotional material for the publisher) but if anyone wants to see it, just leave a comment with your email address (I screen all comments) and I will email it to you.

I sang and acted well.  I am not 100% thrilled with how I looked (although I looked better in the video than in the stills - which I will post here).  Black hair is not flattering, particularly.  When I did the Habanera in costume at the fundraiser in 2009 I had my makeup professionally done and I was wearing something with long sleeves (it was February - Valentine's Day, in fact, 5 years after my fateful duet with the Mentor).  This time I did my own makeup, which was fine on my face, but I had a short sleeved top on, and my arms are decidedly white and un-gypsy-like.  I had thought they would be covered by the shawl, but  they weren't.  Also I really do have a midriff bulge.  I don't weigh any more than I did 10 years ago but I am three inches shorter and I guess that is where it all went.

In any event, the woman from the publisher really loved my performance, so I shouldn't be self-deprecating.

And my singing overall continues to improve.

On a related subject, I heard from the filmmaker again, and she says we are on target to start doing something with the Bach that I am supposed to record.  I paid to have the sheet music transposed down, but once the project is underway she will need to pay an accompanist (or pay for me to get an mp3 file of the aria transposed down).

It's Over

So the concert is over. I didn't sing as well as I would have liked. The B flat in "Condotta" was fine but the room was so dry that I found singing very effortful. Then of course I got nervous and my breathing got off. I had trouble with the A in the big run in the duet although I saved myself at the end.

I thought the intermission break would do me good (I had a cough drop and some water) but again it was so dry I felt like my throat was closing up and I didn't do well with the first A flat in the Aida duet although I finished the piece off with a bang.

And I think I did an excellent acting job and everything went pretty smoothly musically give or take once or twice when we were not together with the pianist.

Both my teacher and the soprano said they had heard me sing it better but neither made me feel I had sung it badly, so that was good, and the soprano said she would be interested in singing with me again, so I asked her if she knew the soprano part to the Verdi Requiem and she said she did and she might be interested.

My choir director and the pastor from my church came. I was quite surprised that the pastor came because she hadn't RSVP'd one way or another. They both seemed to really like it and I know the choir director has very high standards. The elderly violinist also came. They all said how big my voice is and that they wish they could hear me in a big house, which was flattering. And a few friends came.

I feel sort of numb. Not pleased enough with it to be euphoric, but not devastated either.

I will know more when I hear the tape my teacher made, if it comes out.

So now I have family business to take care of, and plans for the CD I want to make, with the help of my "angel".

And now I have to go to bed because I have to be at church at 8:30. Not a problem as we are singing something simple.

Today's Concert

I am really too tired to write much (more on that later) but I wanted to just say that this afternoon's concert in the nursing home went well enough. My bass colleague had a bad cold that affected his hearing, so at some point in the middle of the duet from La Gioconda we were not in the same measure. Probably no one noticed it and the pianist did a good job of covering it up.

I had a ball, as always, with the Habanera and "Mon Coeur". I did a bit of a vamp, but not too much, as this was not the venue.

I found the seniors very moving - they reminded me of my partner as most of them were frail and fairly quiet and you could see the appreciation on their faces. No, it's not the kind of concert venue the Forum crowd sings in, but it's a chance to sing the music I love and make some people happy, so what more can you ask?

I "did the right thing" and thanked the woman who had helped coordinate this. Last week I was annoyed at her for forgetting that we were going to be rehearsing but everything worked out in the end, so I would be happy to do something there again.

So next up:

January Mother Jeanne in Dialogues of the Carmelites. This will entail a very intensive rehearsal schedule but it's my first time ever singing in an opera with an orchestra.

Spring 2011 concert with my teacher. We will do the deadly Amneris/Radames duet but I know by then I will be as comfortable with those B flats as I am with the As in the Judgment Scene. Wimping out is not an option. I don't know what else we'll sing, maybe a scene from La Gioconda. I also don't know if it will be just us, or if some other people will participate too. The purpose of this concert is mainly to celebrate my teacher's return to singing tenor, after several years going back to bass-baritone.

Fall 2011 Carmen with my "Samson" (shown here)?

The reason I'm so tired is that my 94 year old mother is dying of cancer. We never got along very well, and I am probably not doing everything I could or should, but she lives in Brooklyn and I need to spend time editing manuscripts to earn money. My severance check will have run out after I pay the November rent, so I am literally living from hand to mouth (I have a 401k but the money in it has to last for the rest of my life, and anyhow if I take money out of it now I'll be screwed for taxes).

This is a critical period in my life in terms of my financial profile. If I don't keep earning enough money over the next five years I will not get a decent amount from Social Security, which will affect the rest of my life. And the relationships I'm building with freelance clients will affect my livelihood for the next decade, if not more. I can't make a false move here.

I know this sounds callous but my mother is 94!! It's not like I need to savor every last minute with her because she's leaving too soon.

So I do what I can. The most draining thing is fielding endless phone calls and emails from people who are concerned, are visiting her, have visited her, etc. Luckily there are many people in Brooklyn who are close by who can visit her on the spur of the moment which I really can't. Rather ironically, my rehearsals of Carmelites will be in Brooklyn so maybe I can spend more time with her then, at least sleeping over and having breakfast.

So I'm very tired.

Of course I feel defensive about continuing to sing (not to mention spending money on lessons) while all this is going on, but I'm 60 and this is my last chance, even to do this on a tiny scale. I love the way it feels to sing the Judgment Scene from Aida and how many more years will I be able to do that?

Quarterbacking

So this evening I sang in one of the group get togethers. For once my partner didn't pick a fight over it, so I didn't have that dragging me down. I haven't been sleeping well because I am very upset about my little dachshund. He has a herniated disk and a few days ago was stumbling and unable to stand and I really thought we were going to lose him. He has rallied somewhat now, although it's really a case of having to be cruel to be kind because he must be confined as much as possible, not allowed on the bed, where the soft surface will make it hard for his back to heal, not allowed to wander up or down the ramp. So he's confined to the floor under the bed, which is made easier since he's stoned on painkillers. He can't have toys, either, because he shakes his head when he has a toy in his mouth.

Anyhow, I managed to warm up to a high C and then went off and sang "Stella del Marinar" from La Gioconda. Not my best singing, I seemed to have a lot of phlegm and took some breaths in really stupid places (I have been singing this aria for 30 years, and in the past, when my voice was smaller, I seemed to have more breath control)but nailed the ending. Then I got to vamp it up with "Mon Coeur", which I hadn't sung in about 9 months, because I'll be singing it in the nursing home concert with my bass friend. For my last piece, I was going to do one of the Dvorak songs, but since I have never even heard it with an accompaniment, I didn't want to fumble through it. If it's one of the ones the choir director likes, I can try to find it on You Tube. So for my last piece I did Dalila's extended monologue right before the Vengeance Duet. It's four pages of singing, so it was a respectable thing to do in this setting. I need to brush up on entrances etc.

One really exciting thing is I found a soprano to sing duets with. I have a bass, and a few tenors, but no sopranos. This is a woman with a big dramatic voice, so we can do duets from La Gioconda and Aida which will be great.

The most important thing is, I haven't been feeling very sing-y lately, as a result of my anxiety about the dachshund, so it was a good discipline to just get up and sing anyway. If I were a real pro I would have to do that, right?

Dawn, Maybe?

I wanted to make a post last night, but was at an all time low ebb (usually I save these sorts of posts for "the other place").

I am still dangerously underemployed (I'm supposed to get some regular work starting next month but don't know how many hours t hat will be) but am determined to stick with freelance. I get health insurance from my previous employer and simply can't face having to go into an office for 8 hours a day on someone else's schedule. It's really really nice to be able to sleep a little later and make daytime appointments. I can work at my computer at night, which is a good time to be in my apartment and cozy.

Even in this precarious state, I am the financial "anchor" for my (mostly ex) partner who is practically destitute living on a fixed income. I am finally getting her some much needed social services but nonetheless....

The current bone of contention is $200 she owes on the cell phone. It was easy for her to overuse it when she was in the hospital and neither of us could ever figure out how many minutes we had left (I spoke to a live person over the phone and I think I now have this figured out).

I am also feeling very depressed because my 60th birthday is next week. Aside from feeling that my "last gasp of healthy middle age" is slipping away due to financial insecurity and eldercare responsibitilies (I mean I chose not to have kids, for Pete's sake! I'm not a nurturer except in small doses - I was a great, mentorly boss, for example), I am depressed that there really is nothing/no one to do anything special for me. I don't have a "Circle of Friends" IRL although I have a lot of acquaintances. Between working 50 hours a week at a job for the past decade, eldercare, and trying to sing, I haven't had much time for socializing. My ex partner is supposed to take me for a restaurant so we'll see. If she gets into a snit with me over the phone bill for all I know she might not. Ironically, she bought us a ballet subscription (a birthday present for me) which she really couldn't afford. This was before she knew about the cell phone bill.

The one thing that is going well (a strident B flat here and there notwithstanding) is my singing. And it isn't just that I'm singing well, it's that I'm on people's radar screen, something I never thought would happen.

The glorious rising young tenor pictured Here asked me what opera I was going to cast him in next!!! So maybe I can get to the next thing on my "Bucket List" in the Spring of 2011!! I know that's when I'm doing a concert with my teacher. If they weren't both tenors, I would try to include them both in something, but I'd rather do a pocket version of Carmen or Aida as another concert.

Now I just have to find a place. The Lutheran church where I sing had a concert series to restore their historic Tiffany windows but I think that's over and the message I had gotten was that if I wanted to do something else I would have to pay for space rental. So maybe this guy can find something. But he thought of me.

And he's using the photo of us as his Facebook profile pic!!