Slowly Crawling Out

It's done. I resigned, and got a personally insulting email in response, but no arm twisting to come back (was I really that bad?)

I feel like I've really taken a beating and my confidence has been badly shattered.

There have always been areas in which I've had very little confidence: singing above a high A natural, singing softly above an E natural, worrying that I don't have the stamina I need, my lack of musical training.

But this conductor seemed to think I lacked musicality, and in a way that I could not perceive. I mean if I sing an ugly high note, usually I know, yes, that is what I have done. But what was wrong here? If I tried to sing legato he implied that I was schmaltzy and if I tried to sing without being schmaltzy he implied that I was mechanistic. And the worst part is that I didn't hear whatever it was I was doing that he didn't like.

The Mentor Who Shall Not Be Discussed used to tell me I had no sense of rhythm. He said I knew how to count, but that that was not the same thing. So is there some inner flow that I am lacking? If that were the case wouldn't I hear it? I've heard tapes of myself singing and all that I've noticed is that my lower register sounded "talky" rather than "singy" and that (this is mostly fixed) my voice had a big weak spot right above middle C. My high notes actually never sounded that bad on tapes, just loud, but not ugly-loud.

I just haven't had the heart for singing today but I made myself practice anyhow!! I worked on the second soprano part for something were singing Christmas Eve. It's mostly just middle register but there's a gratuitous throwaway high A in the middle (it only occurs once - the second time that melody recurs the second sopranos are an octave below). After working on the new exercises I was actually able to do this. (It remains to be seen if I can do it sitting during choir practice but who knows? Or the choir director may ask the seconds not to sing it.)

Then I took out Wagner's Angel, the only art song I've ever sung (I just don't like art songs unless they're sacred songs for church. Am I missing something?), because it has plenty of legato. I was not all that thrilled with how it sounded. I'm not sure what the problem is. I vocalized up to a High C and sang the ascending phrase from Aida (I now just consider that a mandatory exercise whether I work on the rest of the piece or not) which went like a house afire. And my pianissimo G on "nieder" sounded great. But I got tired and my throat kept getting tight, which I don't remember happening before. I've sung this song almost every Christmas in church one time or another (won't this year - have missed the boat) and always got through it fine although sometimes that G was full voice. Well, I'll take it to my lesson on Thursday. I am not in the mood for any music that's not seasonal right now.

It's funny. My mother was an atheistic Jewish Marxist but she loved Christmas, which she claimed was pagan. I have happy childhood memories of caroling, Advent calendars from the Met, and our beautiful ceiling high live tree.

I just want to wallow in Christmas now. My partner and I have been being nicer to each other, probably because now we're all we've got. She has no friends who spend the holidays here (they all have grandchildren elsewhere, or country homes) and no family, and my mother is dead. I will sing Christmas Eve and then sleep over. We have been looking for a restaurant where we can have Christmas dinner but haven't found one. Everything seems to be closed. Well, then, as I laughingly said, we can be Jewish and eat ethnic and then come back to her place and watch the marathon of Poirot.

Saturday I am going to buy her a little tree.