Yesterday I had a long talk with my teacher about some things (luckily, he usually lets me give him an update and do some brainstorming as an add-on, without cutting into our hour singing time).
I mentioned my frustration about feeling that no one takes me seriously, and that this has dampened my ardor for trying to find places to sing (where I don't have to pay anything, and there will be a real audience - AKA I can invite my friends and acquaintances, and get to show off- not a nursing home, even though I believe singing in a nursing home is a worthy endeavor).
I asked again about our joint concert and he basically went "meh", which was not about my singing, it was more about his own feelings about singing right how. He is my age, and has sung almost every tenor and most baritone roles in the standard rep, in recent years with a pay-to-sing outfit run by a friend of his, who always needs men, so my teacher has never had to pay anything. (I suppose what he "pays" is jumping in to sing comprimario roles now and then when someone is needed.) He seems to have backed off this relationship lately, maybe because the outfit now has enough men willing to pay? I don't know. My teacher still can sing anything, just about, because he's a superb technician (and a superb teacher, unlike the conductor of Carmelites who seemed to be unable to convey to me what it was he wanted).
So I've put Amneris/Radames on the shelf for now. Not a bad idea. I worked it to death, and doing that improved my extreme upper register.
I also was honest with my teacher about my hurt that when he puts on a group concert he has never used me, but in fact on one occasion when his regular mezzo was not available used someone whose singing was (IMHO and also in his) not as good as mine.
He said well, that she was someone he had known for years and he had heard her perform under pressure. He reminded me that he had only actually heard me "perform" twice. So now it's back to these same issues that keep surfacing over and over. I can't get anywhere because I have no past. Or the past I have is so ancient and laughable, and the people who knew me then are gone, as at that time I was one of the youngest singers.
I don't want to start the new year feeling disheartened. I know I am singing better and better and my teacher agrees. Those exercises on "VVVVV" that are meant to liberate my "flute register" have been lightening my voice and making it easier to sing high notes with a variety of dynamics, however, as my teacher pointed out, they have not increased my range. I can now sing a tiny "VVVV" on a B natural off the cuff but nothing higher (Eboli at 61 perhaps?) but I still can't phonate on anything above a C and probably will never be able to. But I don't have a peer group. Which is why I have kept relying on that bass, who despite having a glorious instrument and a lot of stage presence, definitely has vocal "issues". He's about the only person I know who came out of nowhere in midlife like I did and is jonesing to sing opera.
Well, I just have to pick myself up and go on. I refuse to let all that talent go to waste or be buried forever in a choir. I need something else.
My choir director recently played in a small chamber music venue, something new that was opened up by an old fashioned stringed instrument maker. I wouldn't be able to sing opera there, but maybe the violinist from the church (he's retired from the NYCO and has happily accompanied me in several of the services)would do something with me. Maybe an all Bach program? I will try to find out what's involved in performing there. I doubt I would have to pay to use the space as I'm sure my choir director wouldn't have done that.
So do I want to make a New Year's resolution? What? To take myself seriously? How do I do that?
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