Although I know I will be mostly happy with the recording, the way I sounded yesterday was a wake up call that I need to make some serious fixes (I can't think what right now, as I feel I am going in the right direction technically, the problem is that it doesn't "stick" under adverse conditions) or rethink my goals.
There is no reason for me to give up singing, even if I never again want to sing anything above a G in public. There's lots of lovely church music for altos and mezzos that I can still sing well, probably for a long time.
I don't like art songs. I know there are people who love them, and I don't want to offend anyone (one thing I learned from my bad experience with the pseudonymous blog was that apparently there were instances in which I thought I was writing about my feelings - or, less often, my opinions - and other people thought I was being heavy handed and "laying down the law" so I need to tread carefully), but I find them "academic" in a way that leaves me cold. Opera appeals to my gut (it's about sex and violence, after all, with lots of cleavage permissible, even for middle aged characters and beyond) and church music appeals to my soul. I am never cerebral about music.
I also don't see myself as a musical theater singer or a cabaret singer. My mother and my partner were always at me about doing this, but it's just not my style. Now I do love musical theater and go to see it often (less so recently as I don't have a full-time salary), but other than throwing in a "legit" MT number into a concert at the end, I have no interest in singing it.
What I had hoped to be able to do was sing arias and scenes from operas in concert with other people, but the fact that I sang two pieces badly, which are pieces I never had trouble with before, really frightens me.
I think my voice is changing.It is much bigger, fuller, and more operatic, but I seem to lack the stamina to carry that sound up. Just to be clear I don't "push", except on those top notes when I feel I am not going to make it. So the problem is not that I am dragging too much weight around. I still often feel like I am going to break in half in the middle, which is absurd, as I have put on weight there, but I still feel like there's not enough brawn there, despite the Pilates. I listened to an old recording of my singing O Mio Fernando and the top note has plenty of spin on it. Actually, I think the middle register will sound better on the new version, but this one is pretty good.
I didn't like the old version of Liber Scriptus and do think the new one (with the spliced in high note and subsequent low notes) will sound better. In the old version you can hear register breaks and a huskiness on the bottom.
But this is disturbing nonetheless.
I have the notes, or I wouldn't be able to sing them at all.
It seems to be the ability to recall "muscle memory" under stress that is the problem.
Some of it might be respiratory but why now?
This morning I think I identified one of the culprits - the mounds of dust kittens under my desk. I am pretty assiduous about vacuuming (I use the sound of the vacuum to muffle my warmups so I do a lot of it and I also hate seeing lint on my navy blue rug) but I had been afraid to vacuum or even dust amid the wires connecting the various parts of my computer. So this morning I bit the bullet and took a wet paper towel and got up the dust.
Is there something "going around"? It's definitely not a cold. Although my partner has had a phlegmy cough that has lasted for at least three months, with no other symptoms. She has been to several doctors none of whom can find anything else wrong. I don't have a cough, but I have had sneezing and rhinitis off and on for a while. Many of the vocal problems I had in the concert were caused by the dry air in the room which seemed to bother me more than the other people.
I am not going to give up yet (although I am now really scared about tomorrow's session - will I be able to get through "Acerba Volutta"? an aria I used to sing well enough in auditions to get a brava if not a role) but I want something in my back pocket for a Plan B.
I keep seeing postings on Facebook about "loving the life you have" and being grateful before it's too late.
But there has to be something.
I am wondering if it is breath related, as often breath is a problem when nerves/adrenaline kick in (I have LOTS of experience with this problem :). Have you tried taking deep relaxed breaths, even when you're singing? In other words, with no muscle tension and no holding back the breath? You may be using too much muscle in your breathing, which will cause lots of tension. Also, if you are holding onto your breath to conserve it in any way, this will also cause tension. Try expelling all of your breath as an exercise and then singing a five note descending scale- but with a relaxed exhale (this is hard to explain in words without being in person, I hope you understand). You may not being able to complete the five note scale, but it will show you that you can phonate with little air and that you don't need to hold back air, and will give you the feeling of a relaxed position on the exhale. I would experiment with taking a relaxed, non muscular breath on both the inhale and exhale (keep the expansion on the exhale, but without tension). This may help you a bit when nerves kick in,
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