Why Can't I Bottle It?

Often when I write here, I am writing about a problem I'm having and how to handle it.

Today I'm writing about something positive that I experienced yesterday, and wondering how I can hang onto it.

Yesterday was one of those days, when, singing in my bathroom, everything worked! So why can't I make this happen when I sing in public? I mean I do sing that well in public, but only when I'm singing church solos that don't go above a G.

But when I sing in public (and although my singing keeps improving, my confidence level does not) I at best take breaths where I shouldn't (which actually does not help any subsequent top notes) and at worst panic and turn into a block of wood with no buoyancy in my middle.

Last night I sang through "Stella del Marinar". It had always been an easy aria for me but having that scare last week made me stop taking it for granted. When I first learned it my voice was much smaller and I just sort of crooned through the long legato line and then saved my energy for the high A at the end, which always seemed to be there if I just girded my loins and let it rip. A few months ago I sang it for my teacher and he mentioned how different my voice sounded throughout (bigger and darker) but I still found the ending easy.

Well, yesterday everything was in place and then I went back and sang the duet with Enzo that begins with Laura singing a progression that goes up to a high B flat. And it sounded fabulous.

So the question is - why can't I do the right things all the time when I need to?

I now have fear operating at two levels: the old one about not having secure top notes, and a new one that everything that's wrong is caused by age-related decline, which is pulling me backward as better technique is pushing me forward.

Certainly my best singing is better than it ever was, but it is hard to be consistent with it. It requires more physical stamina and coordination, things that I don't seem to be able to rely on consistently.

Not just making sure I get enough sleep and healthy food (I'm pretty good about that) but also I have been plagued with sinus problems to an extent I never was before. A lot of people seem to be mentioning this, so it could be something in the air. Certainly at least half of my problems in the concert (and the first recording session) had to do with dry air, dry mouth, and sinus problems.

So we will see. My main reason for wanting to go to this January audition isn't that I think I will be cast as anything, but to see if I can do well at an audition - something I was able to do fairly consistently two years ago.