Today it will be 8 years since I have been seeing this therapist, who is now going away for 3 weeks. Does this mean I am a hard case who is unable to change? When I started seeing her I was awash in feelings about the Mentor, musical, romantic, and otherwise, and felt trapped with my partner with whom I had not had a real relationship for quite some time, and whose life revolved around a host of minor physical ailments that day by day made her life (and by extension my life) smaller and smaller.
Sometimes I wonder if I have made any progress at all.
I got away from the Mentor and even made peace with him (so that if we run into each other it is neither a cat fight nor a stony face-off) but the imprint he put on me has not left (which is a good thing) and I have found ways to amuse myself under the radar. I have left the painfully stressful and boring job, which had me quasi-suicidal, although that was not through any efforts of my own.
I keep singing better and better, but at the same time feel smaller and smaller in the universe of singing and have had enough bad experiences out in the "big wide world" that I no longer venture forth to do anything that I have not planned myself.
I spent two years - 2006 and 2007, ostensibly "single", coming and going as I pleased and fighting off nuisance calls and threats from my partner. After she had a hip replacement in 2007 I began taking care of her again, and yes, I really love her and it breaks my heart that she is now really ill, physically and possibly mentally as well, and may be losing her eyesight. I don't have the energy to fight over every little thing, like why am I spending $25 to go to a group get up and sing thing, where everyone will sing better than I do (or at least be much younger and have much more confidence). So there is a synergy between my own fears of inadequacy and not having the strength for a fight over something that no longer seems worth fighting for.
Yes, I will fight for my Requiem. If I have to I will lie and say other people are helping me pay for the pianist, just to shut my partner up. Or I will treat her to something I can't afford to sweeten the pill, so she sees that there is money for a vanity event and for "us".
All this came to a head because my teacher gave me a list of operas that this pay to sing outfit is doing. The price is actually quite reasonable and the repertoire is right up my alley. It will probably cost more for me to produce this Requiem but at least with that I have control over what I sing and how I am treated by other people. Now, I should say that my teacher didn't suggest that I audition for this outfit, he only mentioned it because sometimes the man who runs it asks him to sing something if there aren't enough paying men to handle all the performances (he knows almost every tenor and baritone role in every standard opera). So he is working on Adriana Lecouvreur. The princess is a role I really want to sing. It suits my voice and personality and the highest note is an A. So I will work on it, once I get the Requiem under my belt. I sang through "Acerba Volutta" at my lesson after not having sung it since January. My teacher said it sounded better although I didn't feel I had the "oomph" for the ending the first go around. He suggested not taking a breath before "non mente" (the word "mente" is on a high A) but that only worked in the studio, not at home. I suggested that maybe when we're done with the Requiem we could work on the duet from Adriana and put together another concert and call it "Viva Verismo" (the Verdi concert I did last year was called "Viva Verdi"). I also sang some of the best real high Cs at that lesson that I have ever sung.
But I just find it so hard to get my energy up, emotionally and otherwise.
I mentioned "gratitude" in the title of this post because I think I find it hard to differentiate between gratitude and lassitude. Sometimes I can slip into gratitude without realizing it and feel content in my cozy apartment, knowing that I have paychecks coming in, albeit small ones, cuddling with my cat and watching reruns of Dowton Abbey, but then I think "if I give up the fight, that means I am lazy".
I was wishing I still had the Mentor to fight with, yearn after, and fear. At least that lit a fire under me.
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