As I have gotten so many supportive comments and affirmations about this, I have decided to post it here.
http://youtu.be/CfCejvnM_aE
It already has over 60 hits, and when I went to the general Youtube site and googled "Wagner" and "Angel" it was in the top 12.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
A Surprise Bit of "Synchronicity" AKA "Ask and You Shall Receive"
When I began working with The Artist's Way, one term I kept reading was synchronicity. I hadn't a clue what it meant, in fact, I just thought it was a lot of New Age blather.
I haven't seen much of it, just dribs and drabs, like meeting a woman whose specialty is Spanish art songs at the same time that the church where I am an (unpaid) soloist started having a service in Spanish every Sunday.
Something I have begun focusing on is that, no matter how well I want to sing, and no matter how determined I am to do something with singing other than just being a church soloist during the years remaining to me, I know that I will never interest anyone as a singer, other than close friends and church people. I have been rejected by at least 10 "community opera" groups in Manhattan (probably that means all of them) so in addition to letting go of my dream of being an opera star, I have also had to let go of my dream of being a big fish in a little pond, AKA, to perform a leading role (if I'm not getting paid at least as much as I make as a copyeditor I am not singing in an opera chorus or performing a comprimaria role - time is too short) in a no-pay community opera group.
So the question I have asked myself is (and I have asked it over and over) what do I want? If I want to sing a role like Azucena, for example, I can roll up my sleeves and revisit those terrifying high B flats and organize a production of Il Trovatore myself for a small outlay of cash, that will probably be seen by 20 people if I'm lucky. Or I can organize some kind of concert. I am hoping the Requiem will be a success, mainly because it is a charity event and I plan to keep the focus on that it is something for people to hear during Lent, and that the ticket money will go to the Food Pantry and Community Lunch.
But I know that the other thing that I want is a spotlight. That is why I continue to be intrigued by Julie and Julia. Julie was not a great cook or a great writer, but her story piqued someone's interest. So my challenge is: how to pique someone's interest. Surely someone might find it interesting that a 62-year-old is on a path to keep singing better, struggling to fight the physical aging process and cram a lot of what conservatory students learn over 4-6 years into my little nooks and crannies of free time.
As for the title of this post, here is the turn things have taken. I realized that in addition to my envy of working singers (and by this I don't necessarily mean people who earn their living singing, but people who are regularly cast in various opera productions, sometimes for pay sometimes not, who are doing it on a regular basis) I am also envious of the whole "gestalt" that some of these people have, posting things on Facebook and other places, where they toss out bits of wisdom intertwined with snark and have lots of "yes men and women" who tell them how fabulous and clever they are. I am as excluded from that as I am from the real world of singing. I have some supportive friends on Facebook, but with one or two exceptions, they are not those people nor do they behave like that. People wish me good luck, or say I will be in their thoughts and prayers, but I don't have a "claque". So I was feeling very lonely and bereft (really, at 62 to be a wannabe is rather pathetic, whatever the territory) when out of the blue, one of my Facebook friends, someone I knew long ago and reconnected with, posted on my wall that she had been listening to my Youtube video of Wagner's "Angel". She has shared this with her friends and seems to really love it. I was so touched I almost wanted to cry. So few people really have any sense of the "fabulousness" I try to project (although what I have is probably more authentic and will last longer) that I was quite astonished that this "Angel" video (which, come to think of it is not "fabulous", it is churchly and angelic) has taken off the way it has. It has more hits than anything else on the church Youtube channel, although it is probably sacrilegious to look at it that way and even care.
So you never know when something you have been yearning for will just sort of turn up, from an unexpected quarter...
I haven't seen much of it, just dribs and drabs, like meeting a woman whose specialty is Spanish art songs at the same time that the church where I am an (unpaid) soloist started having a service in Spanish every Sunday.
Something I have begun focusing on is that, no matter how well I want to sing, and no matter how determined I am to do something with singing other than just being a church soloist during the years remaining to me, I know that I will never interest anyone as a singer, other than close friends and church people. I have been rejected by at least 10 "community opera" groups in Manhattan (probably that means all of them) so in addition to letting go of my dream of being an opera star, I have also had to let go of my dream of being a big fish in a little pond, AKA, to perform a leading role (if I'm not getting paid at least as much as I make as a copyeditor I am not singing in an opera chorus or performing a comprimaria role - time is too short) in a no-pay community opera group.
So the question I have asked myself is (and I have asked it over and over) what do I want? If I want to sing a role like Azucena, for example, I can roll up my sleeves and revisit those terrifying high B flats and organize a production of Il Trovatore myself for a small outlay of cash, that will probably be seen by 20 people if I'm lucky. Or I can organize some kind of concert. I am hoping the Requiem will be a success, mainly because it is a charity event and I plan to keep the focus on that it is something for people to hear during Lent, and that the ticket money will go to the Food Pantry and Community Lunch.
But I know that the other thing that I want is a spotlight. That is why I continue to be intrigued by Julie and Julia. Julie was not a great cook or a great writer, but her story piqued someone's interest. So my challenge is: how to pique someone's interest. Surely someone might find it interesting that a 62-year-old is on a path to keep singing better, struggling to fight the physical aging process and cram a lot of what conservatory students learn over 4-6 years into my little nooks and crannies of free time.
As for the title of this post, here is the turn things have taken. I realized that in addition to my envy of working singers (and by this I don't necessarily mean people who earn their living singing, but people who are regularly cast in various opera productions, sometimes for pay sometimes not, who are doing it on a regular basis) I am also envious of the whole "gestalt" that some of these people have, posting things on Facebook and other places, where they toss out bits of wisdom intertwined with snark and have lots of "yes men and women" who tell them how fabulous and clever they are. I am as excluded from that as I am from the real world of singing. I have some supportive friends on Facebook, but with one or two exceptions, they are not those people nor do they behave like that. People wish me good luck, or say I will be in their thoughts and prayers, but I don't have a "claque". So I was feeling very lonely and bereft (really, at 62 to be a wannabe is rather pathetic, whatever the territory) when out of the blue, one of my Facebook friends, someone I knew long ago and reconnected with, posted on my wall that she had been listening to my Youtube video of Wagner's "Angel". She has shared this with her friends and seems to really love it. I was so touched I almost wanted to cry. So few people really have any sense of the "fabulousness" I try to project (although what I have is probably more authentic and will last longer) that I was quite astonished that this "Angel" video (which, come to think of it is not "fabulous", it is churchly and angelic) has taken off the way it has. It has more hits than anything else on the church Youtube channel, although it is probably sacrilegious to look at it that way and even care.
So you never know when something you have been yearning for will just sort of turn up, from an unexpected quarter...
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Requiem Update and the Power of Prayer
First, just let me say that I have gotten my Requiem bass. He is a friend of my teacher's, whom my teacher was hesitant to recommend, because he wasn't sure this person would sing for free, but the soprano had suggested him at our last rehearsal, so I asked my teacher for his contact information, got it, sent an email, and the bass responded saying "Any friend of [my teacher] is a friend of mine" and that yes, he would love to do it because he thinks he might be singing the Requiem with an orchestra soon, so this would be a great chance to run through it!
So you never know how people are going to react.
So this Requiem will have two professional singers, one experienced avocational singer with a stunning voice, and me.
I can be very proud of myself.
Things are falling into place. The marketing will be happening (Lent event flyers, church bulletins, newsletter, church Web site and Facebook page), and people at the church are really excited about it.
I mention prayer because as I said in an earlier post, before I embarked on this project I got down on my knees and prayed. It seems strange that this daughter of two atheists believes so strongly in prayer, but I do.
I prayed for God to bless this endeavor, that it was for me but it was also for the church, a chance for people to hear a great sacred work during Lent, and money to feed hungry people in the neighborhood.
I still know there's many a slip twixt the as they say. People get sick, plans change, my eldercare situation could throw me a curve ball. But I can't think about those things. I have to believe that if God wants me to sing this I will.
And a woman who is a well known voice teacher sent me a friend request on Facebook, which of course I said "yes!" to. I am extremely flattered and have no idea what made her think of me.
So you never know how people are going to react.
So this Requiem will have two professional singers, one experienced avocational singer with a stunning voice, and me.
I can be very proud of myself.
Things are falling into place. The marketing will be happening (Lent event flyers, church bulletins, newsletter, church Web site and Facebook page), and people at the church are really excited about it.
I mention prayer because as I said in an earlier post, before I embarked on this project I got down on my knees and prayed. It seems strange that this daughter of two atheists believes so strongly in prayer, but I do.
I prayed for God to bless this endeavor, that it was for me but it was also for the church, a chance for people to hear a great sacred work during Lent, and money to feed hungry people in the neighborhood.
I still know there's many a slip twixt the as they say. People get sick, plans change, my eldercare situation could throw me a curve ball. But I can't think about those things. I have to believe that if God wants me to sing this I will.
And a woman who is a well known voice teacher sent me a friend request on Facebook, which of course I said "yes!" to. I am extremely flattered and have no idea what made her think of me.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
What We Do for Free versus What We Do for Love
I rarely post twice in one day, and this is now my practice time (so I hope I can make this snappy), but I am still mulling over the extent to which singers get offended to be asked to sing for free. I am not talking about real professional singers, the ones who when they're not singing in - at the very least - B and C houses are teaching voice. I'm talking about people in the gray area who do a little bit of professional singing, probably have a church gig for pay, but then think it's ok to crowd the amateurs out of all the no-pay community opera groups to get to do roles they aren't currently getting paid for and even sometimes do pay-to-sings! Hey! If you don't want me to ask you to sing for free, stay off the amateur turf, thank you!
Then I was thinking, well, would I be offended if someone asked me to edit something for free? I gave this some serious thought and decided that I would be offended only if that person (or company) 1) had paid other people to do editing; 2) had paid people to do things of comparable worth; or 3) had a huge budget and could jolly well afford to pay someone. But would I be offended if someone producing a charity event asked me to edit something? No. And if it was one or two pages I would do it. If it was 10 or more pages I would probably say I didn't have time. And I don't have time to edit anything like that for free because I am not madly in love with editing, which is why I for the most part will only do it if I get paid.
So the question is, why are people so threatened by amateur singers? It sounds a lot like people who think if gay people get married it will somehow "spoil" things for heterosexuals who want to get married. Now I grew up in an ultra-left wing household and take a dim view of scabs. But scabs are people who will do a kind of work for a pay scale below what is considered "kosher" at a workplace that is supposed to be paying a proper wage scale. No one is considered a "scab" if they want to make fancy wedding dresses for free and give them to their friends, because they love designing clothes and sewing, for example.
It's not like I'm calling up the Met and saying "Hey, I'll come here and sing Amneris for free".
I am producing the Verdi Requiem at a church as a charity event because it's the only chance I will ever get to be the mezzo soloist in the Verdi Requiem. If I don't sing that part in that production it's not as if they will pay someone else. The Requiem would never even be heard there if I weren't doing this. And the ticket money is going to the church's food programs, not into my bloody pocket! And any "fee" is going to the pianist.
This bass who couldn't even have the courtesy to tell me he wasn't interested in the project was paying a coach to learn the Requiem, so I really don't see how this is different, except that for 25% of the fee he can rehearse with a coach and the three other singers, and get to perform the piece (he could have just considered it one big bloody rehearsal for his glorious future career if he wanted to) in a beautiful sacred space.
So my practical problem is: when you're dealing with these inbetweenykins, how do you know who is "professional" and who isn't? They seem to pick and choose when to pay to sing and when to take umbrage, which makes it a little hard to tell who is who and which is which (again, I am not speaking of full-time professional singers here).
So I need to find a bass. And I am not looking for one on the bloody Forum. Well, there are plenty of other people to ask and network with, and I am a resourceful girl. So now it's time to practice. And to give my inner Maureen Dowd a little fun: maybe all those professional singers who are threatened by "amateurs" are not that different from the straight people who are threatened by gay marriage. They lack self-confidence in who they are.
Then I was thinking, well, would I be offended if someone asked me to edit something for free? I gave this some serious thought and decided that I would be offended only if that person (or company) 1) had paid other people to do editing; 2) had paid people to do things of comparable worth; or 3) had a huge budget and could jolly well afford to pay someone. But would I be offended if someone producing a charity event asked me to edit something? No. And if it was one or two pages I would do it. If it was 10 or more pages I would probably say I didn't have time. And I don't have time to edit anything like that for free because I am not madly in love with editing, which is why I for the most part will only do it if I get paid.
So the question is, why are people so threatened by amateur singers? It sounds a lot like people who think if gay people get married it will somehow "spoil" things for heterosexuals who want to get married. Now I grew up in an ultra-left wing household and take a dim view of scabs. But scabs are people who will do a kind of work for a pay scale below what is considered "kosher" at a workplace that is supposed to be paying a proper wage scale. No one is considered a "scab" if they want to make fancy wedding dresses for free and give them to their friends, because they love designing clothes and sewing, for example.
It's not like I'm calling up the Met and saying "Hey, I'll come here and sing Amneris for free".
I am producing the Verdi Requiem at a church as a charity event because it's the only chance I will ever get to be the mezzo soloist in the Verdi Requiem. If I don't sing that part in that production it's not as if they will pay someone else. The Requiem would never even be heard there if I weren't doing this. And the ticket money is going to the church's food programs, not into my bloody pocket! And any "fee" is going to the pianist.
This bass who couldn't even have the courtesy to tell me he wasn't interested in the project was paying a coach to learn the Requiem, so I really don't see how this is different, except that for 25% of the fee he can rehearse with a coach and the three other singers, and get to perform the piece (he could have just considered it one big bloody rehearsal for his glorious future career if he wanted to) in a beautiful sacred space.
So my practical problem is: when you're dealing with these inbetweenykins, how do you know who is "professional" and who isn't? They seem to pick and choose when to pay to sing and when to take umbrage, which makes it a little hard to tell who is who and which is which (again, I am not speaking of full-time professional singers here).
So I need to find a bass. And I am not looking for one on the bloody Forum. Well, there are plenty of other people to ask and network with, and I am a resourceful girl. So now it's time to practice. And to give my inner Maureen Dowd a little fun: maybe all those professional singers who are threatened by "amateurs" are not that different from the straight people who are threatened by gay marriage. They lack self-confidence in who they are.
Starting My Day Over
I really really need to start my day over. This was going to be a nice day: I could stay at home and work (I have enough work to see me through the middle of February) and then run through some sections of the Requiem.
I had said that my "default" New Year's resolution was to cherish and nurture my self-esteem.
So I should know never, ever, ever to spend too much time around the Forum.
I am herewith taking a self-imposed break from it until further notice.
I don't need to feel crappy about myself because I am an "amateur". I am trying to move on. How many people sing professionally for a living anyhow? What will all these people be doing when they're 60? I think of my poor teacher who get less than a pittance (one third of what my partner gets, and she gets a pittance) from Social Security. Half of these people who think they're so superior spend more time office temping and bar tending than they do singing, so who are they to look down on me? (I should say here that a few of the people who post things there are voice teachers, and they are usually helpful.)
It's not worth feeling like garbage just to get more blog hits, which is why I went back to reading the Forum anyhow.
I need to think of a new place to try to link this blog to.
So how do I clear my head and start over?
1. I had a really good practice session yesterday. I think the "retooling" I have done with "Liber Scriptus" has "jelled". There is a new (old?) saying: "Don't practice it until you get it right, practice it until you can't get it wrong." I am hoping this will apply here. Also I sang through the "Kyrie", "Quid sum Miser" and "Recordare" and was spot on with the notes. Today I will work on "Lachrymosa" "Domine Jesu," and "Agnus Dei". I don't need to work on "Lux Aeterna" right now because I don't have a bass, and anyhow I know that cold.
2. There is a singer who reads this blog who says he finds my story "inspirational". This is a real professional singer who earns his living singing. He says he has shown this blog to students and YAPpers. He took the time to tell me he liked my Youtube video of Wagner's "Angel".
3. My partner is being less obstructionist about my singing. She said she told several of her friends she is "proud of me" because Sunday I sang an entire church service in Spanish including a solo anthem and all the liturgy. So what if I didn't get paid? People say the classical choir I sing with is better than many of the paid choirs.
4. I will find a way to Maureen Dowd this bass who dissed me by not even having the courtesy to tell me he wasn't interested in singing in my Requiem. (Anyone who reads the New York Times will know what that means.) I may not be a professional singer, but I am a professional wordsmith and I have a very nasty tongue if I am provoked.
I am a bit concerned that the soprano has not answered my emails re: whether she will be at the rehearsal Thursday. (The tenor said he had a conflict, but I know he is serious about doing this.) I know that this soprano will never let me down. She is a friend of my teacher's, we have sung together before, and she often does pay to sings (she sings as well as or better than many professionals BTW).
So now it is in God's hands. When I first embarked on the plan for the Requiem I asked God to bless my endeavors. I knew it wouldn't be easy (singing it is the easiest part - the highest note is an A flat), but I know that God would not have brought me this far, from being discovered 9 years ago at the age of 54, singing from a hymnal in the back of a church, just to dump me.
So now it's time to get to work. On my to do list is to contact the church administrator about "marketing" the Requiem in the church's publicity materials for Lent.
I had said that my "default" New Year's resolution was to cherish and nurture my self-esteem.
So I should know never, ever, ever to spend too much time around the Forum.
I am herewith taking a self-imposed break from it until further notice.
I don't need to feel crappy about myself because I am an "amateur". I am trying to move on. How many people sing professionally for a living anyhow? What will all these people be doing when they're 60? I think of my poor teacher who get less than a pittance (one third of what my partner gets, and she gets a pittance) from Social Security. Half of these people who think they're so superior spend more time office temping and bar tending than they do singing, so who are they to look down on me? (I should say here that a few of the people who post things there are voice teachers, and they are usually helpful.)
It's not worth feeling like garbage just to get more blog hits, which is why I went back to reading the Forum anyhow.
I need to think of a new place to try to link this blog to.
So how do I clear my head and start over?
1. I had a really good practice session yesterday. I think the "retooling" I have done with "Liber Scriptus" has "jelled". There is a new (old?) saying: "Don't practice it until you get it right, practice it until you can't get it wrong." I am hoping this will apply here. Also I sang through the "Kyrie", "Quid sum Miser" and "Recordare" and was spot on with the notes. Today I will work on "Lachrymosa" "Domine Jesu," and "Agnus Dei". I don't need to work on "Lux Aeterna" right now because I don't have a bass, and anyhow I know that cold.
2. There is a singer who reads this blog who says he finds my story "inspirational". This is a real professional singer who earns his living singing. He says he has shown this blog to students and YAPpers. He took the time to tell me he liked my Youtube video of Wagner's "Angel".
3. My partner is being less obstructionist about my singing. She said she told several of her friends she is "proud of me" because Sunday I sang an entire church service in Spanish including a solo anthem and all the liturgy. So what if I didn't get paid? People say the classical choir I sing with is better than many of the paid choirs.
4. I will find a way to Maureen Dowd this bass who dissed me by not even having the courtesy to tell me he wasn't interested in singing in my Requiem. (Anyone who reads the New York Times will know what that means.) I may not be a professional singer, but I am a professional wordsmith and I have a very nasty tongue if I am provoked.
I am a bit concerned that the soprano has not answered my emails re: whether she will be at the rehearsal Thursday. (The tenor said he had a conflict, but I know he is serious about doing this.) I know that this soprano will never let me down. She is a friend of my teacher's, we have sung together before, and she often does pay to sings (she sings as well as or better than many professionals BTW).
So now it is in God's hands. When I first embarked on the plan for the Requiem I asked God to bless my endeavors. I knew it wouldn't be easy (singing it is the easiest part - the highest note is an A flat), but I know that God would not have brought me this far, from being discovered 9 years ago at the age of 54, singing from a hymnal in the back of a church, just to dump me.
So now it's time to get to work. On my to do list is to contact the church administrator about "marketing" the Requiem in the church's publicity materials for Lent.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
A Ghost from the Past
It's a new year. This year I didn't make any resolutions....couldn't think of any. I am of course continuing with my promise to always have a singing project as well as a church solo on the horizon.
And I feel that I grew a lot in 2012 as a result of my involvement with The Artist's Way. It has given me a way out of a life that is too quiet, colorless, and mundane for my taste. So I suppose my New Year's resolution is to "do something colorful and fabulous every day", something that engages with the senses.
It seems also that this is going to be the year of self-esteem. The first thing I have done, after three years of blogging, is turn on the "moderate all comments" function. That means no comment will show up here without my seeing it first.
Please note: This is not meant to discourage commenters. I am eager to have more readers and more commenters! I will accept most comments with a few exceptions. I will not tolerate "lectures" that are meant to "shame" me out of one my funks, which I can get into frequently. Helpful suggestions are welcome, as is advice about vocal issues. And I will not tolerate cruelty. I have begun screening comments because about a year ago I posted some sound clips here, hoping for some honest constructive criticism, by which I mean this sort of thing, from voice teachers, coaches, or experienced singers (who would all know what "flaws" might be the result of the recording process), but what happened instead was I was ripped to shreds (not just told my singing was horrible, but that I probably didn't practice enough!!) by someone with less experience that I had. As you can see from the referenced blog post, someone I respect very much said that this person meant to do damage (he had read her comments before I deleted them), which I guess is rather sad. I would have long let this go (I have sent the clips to other people and gotten the sort of combination of compliments and constructive criticism I had been looking for) except that this woman keeps posting comments here, not nasty ones, but she continues to behave like a bratty child trying to get my attention. I would not even give her the time of day by writing about this, but I want to alert most potential commenters to the fact that they are welcome and that their comments will be read, answered, and appreciated!
Second, something very strange happened yesterday, which has led me to want to devote a blog post to the topic of a ghost from the past. The strange thing also involved an assault on my self-esteem, which I put a stop to.
Someone I had known in childhood and adolescence, a heterosexual male who had always been a friend, but never anything else (the feeling was mutual), "friended" me on Facebook yesterday. A lot of what our past friendship had been about was his attraction to a friend - no, a "frenemy" - of mine, a girl named Beth (not her real name) who was a stuckup princess with a heart of ice. I need to make it quite clear that despite being attracted to women, I was never attracted to Beth, only envious of her. More about Beth in a minute, but first I want to mention that after this man friended me, we exchanged several emails most of which were about his continued obsession with Beth, whom he had found on Facebook. I realized after a few exchanges that this man's only interest in renewing a friendship with me was to talk about Beth, so I "unfriended" him and told him frankly that I didn't want to continue this type of interaction, that I might not have had much self-esteem as a teenager, but I did now, and that as a woman who liked to think she was attractive and interesting in her own right, being used as a shrink to hear about a 40-year-old obsession with another woman was extremely insulting. I got a brief email back from him saying that he was sorry, so now I can close that door again, thankfully.
I want to take time to mention Beth, though, because probably she was one of the three biggest influences on the "self" that I created over all these decades (the others were my SO, as she was when I met her, and the Mentor). What they all had in common was that life, for them, was primarily an aesthetic experience. And they were all snobs about aesthetics. Beth actually came from "old money" but until I was much older I had no idea her family was rich, or I wasn't sure. She had very expensive dolls and "party dresses" but often she would show up for class (we both went to an exclusive prep school - my father was a professor and when he was alive there was money for that) without some item that everyone had been told to bring (like a notebook), saying that her mother couldn't afford to buy it. Later I realized that the family had plenty of money, her mother was just scatterbrained and disorganized. What I envied about Beth (aside from the fact that she was ectomorphically svelte, had long hair like a storybook princess, and moved gracefully) was that she seemed to care only about things that were beautiful, never about anything that was practical, and that this was encouraged by her mother. She studied ballet, and she drew, but she did poorly in school and her mother seemed not to care. She was well versed in the nuances all things fashion and decorating, and seemed to think her purpose in life was to be decorative. Whether there was a connection between this and her family's money I don't know. Not necessarily. I knew other rich girls at the school, and many of them were neither pretty, stylishly dressed, nor charming.
I don't know whether or not Beth liked me. We spent a lot of time together and had many things in common (an interest in the arts, a love of cats, a total ignorance of sports and popular culture), but being around Beth made me feel fat and coarse, not unlike how Pip felt around Estella in Great Expectations, only sans the romantic attraction. I suppose Beth was sort of a cross between Estella, raised to break men's hearts, and Gigi raised to be a courtesan, well versed in all things fashion, decorating, and fine dining.
The friendship with Beth continued until I was about 18 or 19, then I made a conscious decision to drop her. She got married (she never went to college) and I took up with my SO, a butch woman who treated me like a princess.
But I always knew it was because of Beth that I loved all things Victorian: she personified the entire Dickensian landscape, being both a princess and a waif. And it is because of Beth that I will always choose what is beautiful over what is practical. And it is probably because of Beth that for good or ill, I have always been totally indifferent to what I did for a living.
My SO had many of the same qualities. She was always poor, but she loved beauty. She would eat canned soup and buy an expensive item of clothing at a thrift shop. Or something pretty for the house.
And of course then there was the Mentor, with his orange walls and open vials of patchouli, unmade beds with brightly colored sheets, vintage china in a kitchen where the dishes hadn't been washed for a week.
Well, there you have it. This post is a strange one to begin a new year with, but maybe not.
There is a lot of "Beth" in the life I've learned to live from The Artist's Way.
P.S. I snuck a look at Beth's Facebook photo and she certainly is no longer pretty. Here's my latest self-portrait. Eat your heart out.
And I feel that I grew a lot in 2012 as a result of my involvement with The Artist's Way. It has given me a way out of a life that is too quiet, colorless, and mundane for my taste. So I suppose my New Year's resolution is to "do something colorful and fabulous every day", something that engages with the senses.
It seems also that this is going to be the year of self-esteem. The first thing I have done, after three years of blogging, is turn on the "moderate all comments" function. That means no comment will show up here without my seeing it first.
Please note: This is not meant to discourage commenters. I am eager to have more readers and more commenters! I will accept most comments with a few exceptions. I will not tolerate "lectures" that are meant to "shame" me out of one my funks, which I can get into frequently. Helpful suggestions are welcome, as is advice about vocal issues. And I will not tolerate cruelty. I have begun screening comments because about a year ago I posted some sound clips here, hoping for some honest constructive criticism, by which I mean this sort of thing, from voice teachers, coaches, or experienced singers (who would all know what "flaws" might be the result of the recording process), but what happened instead was I was ripped to shreds (not just told my singing was horrible, but that I probably didn't practice enough!!) by someone with less experience that I had. As you can see from the referenced blog post, someone I respect very much said that this person meant to do damage (he had read her comments before I deleted them), which I guess is rather sad. I would have long let this go (I have sent the clips to other people and gotten the sort of combination of compliments and constructive criticism I had been looking for) except that this woman keeps posting comments here, not nasty ones, but she continues to behave like a bratty child trying to get my attention. I would not even give her the time of day by writing about this, but I want to alert most potential commenters to the fact that they are welcome and that their comments will be read, answered, and appreciated!
Second, something very strange happened yesterday, which has led me to want to devote a blog post to the topic of a ghost from the past. The strange thing also involved an assault on my self-esteem, which I put a stop to.
Someone I had known in childhood and adolescence, a heterosexual male who had always been a friend, but never anything else (the feeling was mutual), "friended" me on Facebook yesterday. A lot of what our past friendship had been about was his attraction to a friend - no, a "frenemy" - of mine, a girl named Beth (not her real name) who was a stuckup princess with a heart of ice. I need to make it quite clear that despite being attracted to women, I was never attracted to Beth, only envious of her. More about Beth in a minute, but first I want to mention that after this man friended me, we exchanged several emails most of which were about his continued obsession with Beth, whom he had found on Facebook. I realized after a few exchanges that this man's only interest in renewing a friendship with me was to talk about Beth, so I "unfriended" him and told him frankly that I didn't want to continue this type of interaction, that I might not have had much self-esteem as a teenager, but I did now, and that as a woman who liked to think she was attractive and interesting in her own right, being used as a shrink to hear about a 40-year-old obsession with another woman was extremely insulting. I got a brief email back from him saying that he was sorry, so now I can close that door again, thankfully.
I want to take time to mention Beth, though, because probably she was one of the three biggest influences on the "self" that I created over all these decades (the others were my SO, as she was when I met her, and the Mentor). What they all had in common was that life, for them, was primarily an aesthetic experience. And they were all snobs about aesthetics. Beth actually came from "old money" but until I was much older I had no idea her family was rich, or I wasn't sure. She had very expensive dolls and "party dresses" but often she would show up for class (we both went to an exclusive prep school - my father was a professor and when he was alive there was money for that) without some item that everyone had been told to bring (like a notebook), saying that her mother couldn't afford to buy it. Later I realized that the family had plenty of money, her mother was just scatterbrained and disorganized. What I envied about Beth (aside from the fact that she was ectomorphically svelte, had long hair like a storybook princess, and moved gracefully) was that she seemed to care only about things that were beautiful, never about anything that was practical, and that this was encouraged by her mother. She studied ballet, and she drew, but she did poorly in school and her mother seemed not to care. She was well versed in the nuances all things fashion and decorating, and seemed to think her purpose in life was to be decorative. Whether there was a connection between this and her family's money I don't know. Not necessarily. I knew other rich girls at the school, and many of them were neither pretty, stylishly dressed, nor charming.
I don't know whether or not Beth liked me. We spent a lot of time together and had many things in common (an interest in the arts, a love of cats, a total ignorance of sports and popular culture), but being around Beth made me feel fat and coarse, not unlike how Pip felt around Estella in Great Expectations, only sans the romantic attraction. I suppose Beth was sort of a cross between Estella, raised to break men's hearts, and Gigi raised to be a courtesan, well versed in all things fashion, decorating, and fine dining.
The friendship with Beth continued until I was about 18 or 19, then I made a conscious decision to drop her. She got married (she never went to college) and I took up with my SO, a butch woman who treated me like a princess.
But I always knew it was because of Beth that I loved all things Victorian: she personified the entire Dickensian landscape, being both a princess and a waif. And it is because of Beth that I will always choose what is beautiful over what is practical. And it is probably because of Beth that for good or ill, I have always been totally indifferent to what I did for a living.
My SO had many of the same qualities. She was always poor, but she loved beauty. She would eat canned soup and buy an expensive item of clothing at a thrift shop. Or something pretty for the house.
And of course then there was the Mentor, with his orange walls and open vials of patchouli, unmade beds with brightly colored sheets, vintage china in a kitchen where the dishes hadn't been washed for a week.
Well, there you have it. This post is a strange one to begin a new year with, but maybe not.
There is a lot of "Beth" in the life I've learned to live from The Artist's Way.
P.S. I snuck a look at Beth's Facebook photo and she certainly is no longer pretty. Here's my latest self-portrait. Eat your heart out.
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