I was so happy with my plans for my Carmen concert. Why can't it last?
Yesterday I had a totally crappy morning.
The choir was singing a Spanish anthem with a little solo for two altos. So I sang the top part and one of the other women sang the bottom part. I thought it sounded nice. It was a lovely anthem, mostly in four parts with an occasional middle women's part, so I sang alto and when there were three women's parts I switched to the middle part, which was on the soprano line. There was a high C at the end, so little miss Conservatory (and probably at least one other soprano) sang it.
So guess what? When we were done rehearsing the choir director said "Thank you LMC for that high C"!!!! Is this mind boggling or what???? Not "thank you Babydramatic and alto for that lovely intro" or "thank you all for the anthem" but "Thank you LMC???"
In all the years I've sung there, this particular choir director has always made a point of stressing (by his behavior) that, as Lutherans assert, the communal voice is more important than the individual voice, and, up until recently, has never thanked anyone in front of the group, other than the usual "thank you tenors [or whomever] for that [whatever]". So as they say in the therapy biz, I have no idea what this is "about".
But I can tell you it is getting under my skin. Also, to make things worse, one of the women in the alto section (not my duet partner) made a vague critical comment about the little duet and then when I asked her what I should have done differently made a smarmy kind of "never mind" gesture and then said, looking embarrassed "well, what you need to do is sing it with confidence". Well, you know what? I am sure I did. That little bar of music is in the best part of my range.
I wish these things didn't bother me so much but they do. I keep thinking if I were a better person, or more "grown up", I wouldn't care. But that's just not who I am. Being a diva who loves the limelight is in my DNA and I should stop apologizing for it. I only wish I could find something as ear-grabbing as a bloody high C. No, and I don't have a B natural or a B flat either, really. And no one seems to care if I can sing with a lovely line, or that I can hold a note in the middle of the staff almost indefinitely while everyone else is staggering breaths, or that I can sing pages and pages of heavily ornamented music in a middle register without choking to death.
Speaking of choking to death, I just think those extreme notes are not in my physiology. They do not materialize no matter what I do. When I try to sing a B flat off the cuff, for example, I don't squeak or squeal, which would be a start, I make a hideous yowl (probably if it translated to a note it would be an F at the top of the staff) that sounds like a cat being strangled.
I feel so much despair because I haven't a clue what to do about this problem (not the problem of my upper register, but the problem of how to find a wow! factor without it). I finally said something to the choir director about the fact that we'd had "an awful lot of solos for high sopranos lately", which is when he offered me the top line of the duet in the Spanish anthem (and said he would try to find a spot for "O Rest in the Lord" on Maundy Thursday; if I don't hear from him I will write to him again). But now it isn't even an issue of being more equitable with solos; it is an issue of being more equitable with praise. Isn't this something leaders (like bosses) are supposed to be self-aware about? Also, what's so mystifying is he never behaved that way before. And no, I don't think he has a crush on this young woman. He has a gorgeous wife, and this young woman is not all that much to look at. Yes, she has a stunning voice, particularly in the context of what is, when all is said and done, a "convenience sample" choir, but other people have other vocal assets as well. And just as a point of accuracy, she is not arrogant or full or herself at all. She is very sweet. So my upset is with him, not her.
I was so upset yesterday that even my partner encouraged me to "talk", something she never does. I think she was worried that if I looked upset it might be about her. I can't say, though, that she had any helpful suggestions. Yes, I know I should be grateful to be singing in this choir in this church with a lot of wonderful people, but if I wanted to, I could stop singing there (that would be the acid test - would anyone miss me and say so?) and work in the food pantry on Saturdays and see my partner on Sundays. And sing with the woman producing my Carmen concert. She is a lot more sensitive to the fact that everyone wants their moment in the spotlight, whether they're singing a complex aria or a simple song.
One thing I have decided to do is every day, post one clip of a great mezzo singing an oratorio aria that does not go above an E or an F. Maybe that will educate people that voices come in all ranges and that there are divas who don't sing high Cs.
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