As one of my goals is not just to keep singing better, find opportunities, and stimulate my right brain, but also to be in a better mood, I have cut certain things out of my life.
In addition to the Facebook "friends" with whom there was a mutual unfriending as a result of ill will, I also unfriended several working performing artists who basically ignored me. Why do I need to read about what they are doing? Added to this, I "unsubscribed" to the email lists of two of the small opera companies I had had dealings with: the one who gave me feedback that included telling me I was "not a future investment" and the one that cast me in a tiny role and then ripped me to pieces. Apparently when you unsubscribe to something they ask you why, so I gave them an earful, the point basically being that I didn't need constant reminders of things that had been hurtful.
Where "denial" comes into the picture, is that more and more, I am trying to shut out the whole world of small opera companies here in New York. They do not want me. This was very very painful for me. I never thought I was good enough to have a "career" singing, starting at this late date, but I really really did think I could be good enough to sing leading roles with the groups that don't pay people. I had sung with these sorts of groups 30 years ago when I did not sound nearly as good as I do now, and these groups at that time featured many people my age who looked and sounded about like I do now. I am not going to audition for any more of these groups, and quite frankly, I can't see anything to be gained by going to see them perform, other than the pay to sing group that my teacher occasionally still helps out with, as there are some very very good avocational singers there (who sound as good as professionals) who are only a little younger than I am, and whom I am not too proud to listen to and learn from (I am not interested in trying to learn something from singers under 35 - what would be the point??)
So I made a decision, for example, not to go to this year's reprise of this.
They are going to be performing practically on my doorstep again next Wednesday at noon. I can't really see that going to see them would enhance my life or improve my singing or performing techniques in any way. My time would be better spent staying in and working and then devoting a two hour chunk later in the day to practicing my church solo and my September 11 pieces.
So is all this denial, and if it is, are there times when denial is healthy?
I was telling my partner the other day that going to museums and looking at visual art is so important to me because it is something that I can enjoy on an aesthetic and spiritual level, whereas music and performances are what I work at so there are always mixed emotions involved when I am in the audience. In fact I have almost entirely stopped going to the opera, even though it is on my doorstep. I mean I would go if someone offered me a free ticket, or if a friend wanted to go and we bought cheap seats to go together, but that's about it. My partner and I, no matter how broke we are, always get a subscription to the ballet because it is something she loves. And if I can scrape together the money, we sometimes see a Broadway show, which we can do for a discounted rate because she is unable to climb stairs, so we get orchestra seats at the balcony price (which btw isn't always all that cheap!)
So the question is, can my denial make a big enough ring around me that I can believe that where classical singing is concerned, I'm the real deal?
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