Another Disappointment

My therapy "homework" for these past two weeks has been identifying when I feel good about myself and when I don't. The premise is that if I felt better about myself I would not be so devastated by various disappointments.  I think this is both true and not true.  I think there can come a tipping point when after you have one disappointment too many it can affect how you feel about yourself.

What came out of this exercise is that most of the time I don't feel anything about myself, good or bad. Probably the biggest pleasant surprise I had this period was how well I sang at my last lesson, and the biggest disappointment (I can't really call it a "surprise") was being turned down for the Handel opera .  Although that disappointment hit me harder than it normally would have because of the watershed-like disappointment of so few people coming to Carmen in the environment of everyone buzzing about "Little Miss Conservatory's" senior recital.

In any event, I don't think I particularly dislike myself (I know people who do - dislike themselves - and whatever it is I feel is not that.)

I think I wasted a large part of my life and made a lot of the wrong choices.  I don't totally blame myself, because most of these stemmed from having squandered my "emerging adulthood" when I was drinking, after which it was in many ways too late to turn around and change course (I needed to earn a living, and chose the option that provided the most short-term financial security, for starters.)  And sometimes I feel I am trapped with dull work because I am a dull person, but I don't dwell on that 24/7.

But these disappointments have made me very angry.

As for the latest one, the woman who produced the September 11 concert spoke about "outreach" events over the holidays.  Last time she did this it was a sort-of concert in a nursing home that had a theater.  There were 5 or 6 women and we each sang one or two solos and then did some caroling and sang some Chanukkah songs.  I sang two songs in Spanish.  Well, it turns out that what she is doing this time is only group songs, with little solos assigned from some of the songs.  I would not mind participating in something like that, on an ad hoc basis (if she asked me about it a few weeks prior, and I came to one or two rehearsals) but there is no way in Hell I am paying to come to a "meetup" to sing group songs!!!  And in point of fact, I think her asking people to pay for sessions to go over group songs shows major chutzpah and quite frankly I don't think she will get very many people who would be willing to do this.  If we are volunteering out of the goodness of our hearts we shouldn't have to pay to do it!!! It's one thing to pay $20 at a meetup so that I can get coaching for a solo that I will be singing somewhere (singing it in an "outreach" venue is fine, even singing it at one of this women's "musicale"s in her living room is fine).  But if there's nothing in it for me, I think it takes a hell of a lot of nerve to ask me to pay!!

So now this means there is nothing on my calendar again.

I am going to order the piano score of Verdi's "Ave Maria with Strings."  It is unlikely that the choir director will want me to excerpt something from it, but who knows?  I also found a Bach solo hymn called "Advent".  It is not all that interesting in that it has four verses that are all the same, but I can offer that as an alternative.  Or go back to something I had sung in the past, maybe Saint Saens' "Patiently I Have Waited for the Lord".

But I am stumped for ways in which I could feel better about myself that would make these disappointments less devastating (well, the second one, involving the holiday events, wasn't really "devastating" it mostly made me angry).

Someone who commented on my last post said "it isn't that people aren't interested in you, it's just that they are more interested in other people."  Well, so how does that translate in real-world terms?  It's not just about ego (basically, I know that living where I'm living - forgive me for inconsistent math, it's not my strong suit - I am like someone who nationwide is in the 88th percentile among classical singers who nonetheless ends up in the 20th percentile here).  It's about being cheated out of a chance to do things that are "fun".  For me, singing opera scenes is fun.  Singing art songs on a program with other people singing art songs, where we all get our chance to shine, is fun.  So I am cheated out of these chances to have "fun" even at the lowest level.  I wouldn't call the singing I do in church "fun", unless I am singing a part where I can stand out (like being one of two second sopranos in a very difficult piece, or singing an alto part with the odd F or G in it that none of the other altos can sing).  Singing church solos is spiritually fulfilling, but rarely "fun" (singing Erfreute Zeit was an exception) because I am singing during communion and always have to choose something quiet and unobtrusive, although I do get compliments.  Getting compliments and applause is fun.  Dressing up because the occasion is "special" is fun.  So in addition to being made to feel mediocre and unimportant, I am deprived of "fun".  And if I try to plan something myself, people don't come (except for a few friends who want to be supportive) because, as this commenter said, there are always things to do that are more fun, where they can hear world class musicians.

So is the only "fun" I'm going to have on a regular basis going to the grocery store in my low cut top and my stage makeup, knowing that people looking at me think I'm some kind of performer?  Or singing opera scenes (sometimes gloriously) in my bathroom for my neighbors, one of whom is a music critic who goes to Lincoln Center three times a week, one of whom is a Juilliard trained coloratura (she actually was quite complimentary to me on several occasions), and many of whom go to the Met once a week when it's in season?