The Year So Far

I was hoping that having a list of resolutions would make me feel fresh, new, cheerful, and optimistic about 2015, but it hasn't, really.

I still stand with my life behind my first resolution: that my number one priority is to make the rest of my partner's life (however long that is; she is 80) as happy as possible.  I mean every time I think of how empty and frustrating my life feels,  I remember that if I didn't have her, annoyances and all, it could be oh, so much emptier.

That being said, I broke part of my first resolution less than 12 hours into the New Year: I lost my temper at her over something trivial.  Then I cried.  Hardly a way to start things off with a bang.  I didn't cry because I lost my temper, not really. It was over an object. Did I ever mention that I hate objects the way some people hate spelling or math? They always stump me.  I am fine with technology, because that is more like math or logic.  It doesn't involve how objects are put together in three dimensions.

But that is not what I was crying over.  I was crying over how all the hard work I put into singing seems to get me nowhere but I don't want to stop doing it.  When I say "nowhere" I don't mean I don't make technical progress, I mean that I feel pushed into the background by everyone and everything.  If Little Miss and her solo soprano voice (yes, I really do get the point that Peg made about how that voice fits into the sound that the choir director likes for choir pieces) are going to dominate my experience with the choir, I need to find another arena, but what?? Going to lessons and singing in a concert once a year that hardly anyone comes to isn't it, although that is important to do just so that I can have the challenge of getting up and singing in front of people.  Well, maybe things are not that bleak.  With the new Director of Music Ministries in charge of the schedule I'm sure I can find solo spots.  There are three services every Sunday there.

I think what I really want is to find a way of expressing my displeasure (other than "vaguebooking" on Facebook) and I don't have one.

At least when I worked in an office once a year I could write a self-evaluation, not to mention that there was a Human Resources department, even if only as a symbol.

I had been hoping to do something with the Alzheimer chorus (which might be a long shot because my partner does not technically have Alzheimers) but now they have switched the first rehearsal from Thursday to Wednesday, which is the day she has started getting food from God's Love We Deliver, so she has to be home.  I told her not to worry for one second about this.  I am thrilled that she is getting this food.  She got Meals on Wheels for years and found them inedible, which meant we had to spend just as much on groceries and she ate almost nothing except cheese danish and soy yoghurt (with the occasional BLT ordered from a coffee shop) unless I was there, and kept getting skinnier and more malnourished.  The food from God's Love is really good food.  She is very lucky to have gotten certified by both a doctor and a social worker to receive it.  So I wrote to the woman in charge of the chorus and said that we could come for evaluation at the second rehearsal, which is on the regular day, Thursday, but that we can not come on Wednesday.  So I will see what kind of response I get.  I was hoping to do something with that chorus for several reasons.  The main one, of course, was that it would be something the two of us could do out of the house together.  But the second one was that maybe that was someplace that my talents could be appreciated.

Anyhow, if we don't go to that evaluation this coming Wednesday I am still going to stick to my plan of showing up at choir rehearsal at 7:45.  There is absolutely no reason for me to be there to "warm up".  I do that at home and if the choir director doesn't like how I sound when I unleash my voice in a way that feels healthy then I don't need to be there doing that.  If I am singing a piece I can follow the dynamics as they are written.

And I am waiting to get the choir schedule so that I can contact the Director (who also plays for the Spanish services) about singing a Spanish art song during Epiphany.  On Epiphany itself (this Sunday) there is a new Spanish choir that will be singing something.

As for how my own practicing is going, the Giovanna Seymour duet sounds really really good and I don't find it hard.  And I sang through "Rejoice Greatly" in Spanish, just for fun.  I sang that a few years ago on Epiphany.  That also went like a house afire.  What is not such good news, though, is that the dreaded ascending phrase in the Amneris/Radames duet still defeats me.  I can sing it the second time, because there is less singing involved, but the first time, if I start with "Chi ti salva" I run out of steam on that ascending phrase and can't make it up to the B flat so that it sounds like a note.  I need to see if I can apply some of my newfound technical progress to that.  I can certainly sing really good high B flats in my warmups.

I just wish I could feel more optimistic about this coming year....

ETA: I heard back from the woman in charge of the Alzheimers chorus and she said yes, we can come Thursday the 15th.  So maybe that will be the beginning or something fulfilling.  And I will show up Wednesday for choir practice at 7:45 as I planned.