I tossed and turned last night worrying about my last post, that it was too much of a "downer" to end the year with. I was even going to delete it, but when I woke up this morning I saw that it had already gotten 12 views, which means it must have been of interest to someone. I was planning to make a real New Year's post anyhow, so here it is.
Last year's New Year's resolutions played such a large role in my therapy sessions, and were used as talking points for checking in, that I was surprised that yesterday she didn't ask me if I had made any; she only asked me what I thought about how my year had gone.
Well, I think I will do a preliminary draft of some resolution ideas. There will be some overlap with last year, but the wording may be different.
1. Affirm that my number one priority is to make the end of my partner's life as happy as possible. Cherish and savor every minute with her. Rein in my temper.
2. Continue to build on the huge technical breakthrough I made this year with my singing. This means singing "big girl dramatic opera rep", even if it's mostly in my bathroom and at lessons.
3. Admit once and for all that the "small opera companies" in the greater New York area are not for me, no matter how well I can sing - even if I sounded like Dolora Zajick next month. And stop trying to "break into" the clique of singers who all have music degrees, went to YAPs, know each other, and have been working together for years. They don't want me, I am not part of their peer group, no matter how good I sound.
4. That being said, keep an eye out at all times for other solo singing opportunities where I can use the big voice that God gave me (so I don't mean doing choral singing or singing the kind of "accessible" music in English requiring a more musical theater sound). It doesn't have to be opera. It can be oratorio or art songs. Of course if I can find a venue for throwing in an aria or an opera scene, so much the better.
5. As a continuation of 4, talk about myself and write about myself broadly. I still believe there is someone out there who would find my whole "package" intriguing, even with all the imperfections and the lack of a traditional history (and the uncertainty of my "future"). Remember, there are guys who love girls with acne and scars (I hope this doesn't offend anyone).
6. Since I don't seem to be able to have big things (which really hurts because I have a big flamboyant personality that loves the spotlight and never was much of a one for "subtlety") savor all the little things. Find beauty and opportunities for creativity everywhere, even if I'm just taking the 135th photo of one of my cats, or putting the magazine with the prettiest cover on the top of the pile.
7. Continue looking for (and acknowledging the presence of) people who are not as well off as I am, in my immediate surroundings. (Obviously I know there are hoards of people less well off than I am, even here in Manhattan. They are just not part of my social surroundings.) I am not being self-deprecating, but probably 95% of the people I know socially are better off than I am, and I am not talking about dollars and cents, although that would probably apply to at least 60%. I am talking about doing meaningful work that energizes them, that is part of who they are, having a spouse or partner who does interesting and meaningful work, having a circle of friends that revolves around this meaningful work, and having gone to prestigious schools, had fellowships, etc. So I need to focus on that remaining 5%. Really talk to them and engage with them.
8. Make a marketing plan, if I have a date to perform somewhere. Analogous to what I said in item 3, don't chase after the music lovers. Many of them like me, but they will not be interested in a homemade operatic concert (certainly not after they've politely seen one or two).
9. Set aside time to work on the non-vocal aspects of singing: translating, pronunciation, studying various musical styles.
10. Take more risks. Particularly in letting myself be known.
So I will see where I am with these some time next year.
On a final note. I realized that exactly 10 years ago today I went in a limo, with my leg in a cast, to sing "O Holy Night" at the Unitarian church. Things were very bad between me and my partner and I was sobbing my heart out over The Mentor (who was away for the holidays). So have I come a long way? I sing 200% better and am not crying over anyone. My knee is 90% healed (that is what the paperwork for my financial settlement said). This year I am not singing any solos, but will be in aesthetically more pleasing surroundings, having a low stress evening. And Epiphany (Spanish art song Heaven) is just around the corner!!!
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