I have been feeling so happy since Good Friday, but now it is time to move on! I have been continuing to work on my concert repertoire and my vocal technique continues to improve by leaps and bounds, amazing even me.
As for the title of this post, two opportunities have presented themselves, one which I am pretty sure I will finally pass on, with a great deal of regret, the second of which I will pass on because I have no choice.
What upsets me, particularly in the first instance, is that what became a deal-breaker is more or less age related; namely, that the evening audition that I had wanted to go to is in a neighborhood where I do not feel safe either going to, coming from, or being in at night after dark. This is an up and coming neighborhood in North Manhattan, where all the people who, 30 years ago, would have found tenement apartments on the Upper West Side, are now living. It was even once laughingly referred to as the Diva ghetto. On the other hand, much of it is unsavory, it is a fairly high crime area at night, and I do not know my way around. If I had to live there, I would cope, and would know which streets are safe, which are not, how to navigate my way from point A to point B, and so forth. But going alone to an audition is another story. I say this is age related for two reasons. First, my "image" of that neighborhood is probably by now about 20 years out of date (although not entirely; I know people who have moved to the burbs and commute to work rather than live there), and second, I feel especially unsafe as a woman in my 60s with orthopedic challenges who cannot run.
Now, OK, if I thought I really really had a good chance of being chosen for the part (it is a solo part in an oratorio) I would chance it and pay for a car service. But there are already numerous challenges. The audition date is now less than two weeks away, the forms are annoying to fill out (you have to send a money order [the fee in and of itself is not a deal breaker, even if I were only doing this for the experience], the forms are complicated, and I don't know if I can use oratorio solos for my "aria list"), and I never heard back from my Don Jose, who works there as a stage director, and should by now have answered either my email or my phone message. Yes, my teacher told me that this person is busy, but I'm sure if he thought that I would be the perfect person to sing this he would have gotten in touch with me. So that in and of itself speaks volumes. I have a voice lesson tomorrow and I will tell my teacher what I have decided. The upside of all this is that during the brief period when I had thought I was going to audition (and I would have auditioned despite the obstacles if the auditions had been in Chelsea the way they were last time) I reworked "Liber Scriptus" and wow! what a difference. All I need to do is not breathe before the word "judicetur" going up to the A flat, and it's a walk in the park. Yes, all the mezzos I've listened to do breathe there, but for me it's easier not to (the curse of the catch breath).
As for the second "pass", the woman who has readings of operas from books in her living room (the one who was not interested in me for the Handel) seems to be desperate for an Azucena to sing in, again, less than two weeks. If I had two months notice I would bite, because I would love a chance to sing that role and even think now I could manage the two B flats without cheating on the first one, but the reading is scheduled for a Saturday, which is my regular elder care day, and this particular Saturday is the day after the day I am taking my partner to a new primary care doctor, which means I would not have any rest the day before. Not to mention that I would not have time to sing the role into my voice applying all the new techniques that I have learned in the past four years (it has already been four years since I sang Act II). But what irks me is that this is another way in which age is a factor (well, not entirely; if I were in my early 30s and had two young children I probably couldn't jump to sing something - unless it was a paying job - on very little notice). But many of the people I am competing with don't have children, even the people in their late 30s. And if they have spouses their spouses are totally on board with their careers (or musical and theatrical obsessions), so I have challenges that they don't have.
Anyhow, this all seems very disappointing.
I need to continue to do things other than just choir singing and church solos, because I need to challenge myself in a variety of settings and contexts, as well as with a variety of repertoire, and overcome my nerves.
In other age-related news, I just submitted an online application for Medicare, for which I will be eligible in three months.
ETA: I wrote to a friend about the Azucena gig, and a lightbulb went off in my head that no doubt all the professionals, emergings, and professional cusp-ers who initially wanted to sing Azucena (there has to have been someone) got a better offer, which is why I strongly believe that if this woman wants to have singthroughs of operas in her living room, she would be better served using people like me, who would be thrilled to sing through a role if we had a decent amount of notice. She would make as much money regardless. Contrary to what people think, it's the professionals who leave you in the lurch for a non-paying gig, not the avocationals, for who it may very well be the best gig we can get. So the professionals should leave these alone.
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