An Old Resentment

After my meltdown in February (posting something on Facebook about how angry I was at the choir director, although I did not say who, what, where, so I have no idea how he knew it was about him) I have tried to chill out about feeling resentful over all the attention that "Little Miss" gets.  I think that however tactless and tacky I was (and I apologized and deleted the post), it did some good because after that compliments and attention were distributed a little more equitably.  I got a coveted solo spot on Good Friday and he gave me a lot of compliments for it.  And I noticed after that he has backed off complaining that if, when I warm up to a high A it is L.O.U.D. that the note is "not in my range".

Of course if I paused to think about it, yes, it rankles that Little Miss is doing an "internship" with the very opera company that rejected me for not being a future investment (I mean I might not have gotten a role anyhow but not getting one role is different from being written off out of hand for what I consider to be an unacceptable reason).  And this is one of the most well respected small no-pay opera companies in the city now.

Anyhow, yesterday we got an email from the choir director forwarding an announcement she sent him about the performance.  One of the things that has really ranked over the past year or so is that he never ever forwarded any emails I sent him about performances I was doing.  It's like he didn't want his imprimatur on anything I did.  He has always been nice about "letting" me hand out flyers during rehearsal and I think the reason a surprisingly large number of people from the choir came to my May concert was because one of the other women in the choir handed out my flyers the day before the concert (when I wasn't there).  To protect against any hard feelings if the wrong people read this, this whole thing may be a coincidence (his "flogging" her performances and not mine), but I don't think so. (Or it may be an unconscious choice.)

Anyhow, the fact that the performance is at that opera company just rubs salt in the wound.  Needless to say I am not going, for a variety of reasons.

After being rejected by all the no pay opera groups in the city, and by some who wanted me to pay them (except two: in one instance I decided I did not want to pay and in the other I paid, to sing a tiny role, and was treated so badly I walked out and let them keep the money as a tax-deductible contribution), I have cut that world off.  I don't attend those performances.  I don't even go to the Met, despite its being around the corner.  If I want "entertainment", I will go to the ballet or a Broadway musical or a play.  If I want to hear "the greats" sing an aria or scene that I am working on, I can look at Youtube.  I don't think watching/listening to people doing something I would just about cut off my right hand to do, but will never get asked, is a way to have a happier life or to sing better, either.  I'm done with that.

So what I need to focus on is: my teacher was thrilled with how the two church solos sound (very different from a few years ago) and now it's just about time I should be hearing from the woman who produces the September 11 concert.  Or if not that maybe this year she will do something for Hispanic Heritage month.  And then there's the social service agency that I contacted about Carmen.  It's getting to be just about time to send a follow-up email.  Oh, and my teacher said "Don't forget about Amneris!  When you don't have something on your calendar to work on, go back to those scenes."  The thrilling thing is he said that; I didn't.