For whatever reason, ageism has stung me in ways that no other "isms" ever did.
Sexism, to me, anyhow, can be taken to be in the eye of the beholder. Other than laws preventing women, for example, from voting or practicing medicine or law, a lot is subjective. Yes, I'm glad we have a lot of women doctors (I usually prefer them) but is life better now that there are practically no full-time "homemakers" to take care of not only children and elderly parents but also distressed or homebound neighbors? And maybe life was sweeter and more humane when for women, at least, there was still the option, married or not, to be unambitious.
Then there was homophobia. I never looked gay, so I never encountered it in public places. Much as I clung to my older (and butch-dressing) partner, people were mind-bogglingly clueless as to the fact that we were a couple. And regarding those who knew (many of whom were not only embarrassed, but embarrassed that they were embarrassed), hey, it was fun knowing that people thought you were a bit louche.
But ageism has smarted and stung (and often come as a surprise). My first encounter with it was when I was in my mid 40s, finally feeling my oats as someone mature enough to be a good boss, and was told that I had been turned down for a management position because I was too "stuffy". Mmmm, isn't being a bit "stuffy" part of being a boss? (And this had nothing to do with technology, which wasn't yet around then. And I'm the last person in the world that most people would consider "stuffy"...it was only a corporate persona I had adopted).
Then there's the feeling of being ignored. Women who refer to "catcalling" as a universal scourge have no idea that the statute of limitations runs out when you're about 45, not matter how great a body you have. For example, I wore this
one day when it was close to 100 degrees, here, there, and yonder all over the city and no one gave me a second look.
And of course no one thinks you have any sort of a future. As I've written before in these "pages", the most hurtful rejection I got after an audition had nothing to do with my singing, my acting, or even that I looked to old for the part (it was La Zia Principessa in Suor Angelica), but rather to the fact that I was "not a future investment". That was about 7 years ago and I sing 200 times better now OK, I probably am no longer mobile enough to do certain kinds of staging, but I can sing a concert opera from a book, and in a fully staged production of Suor Angelica the Principessa often has a cane!
Worst of all are the jokes. People who would never make sweeping generalizations about racial, ethnic, or sexual identity groups in polite company (or in a public post on Facebook) think it's perfectly OK to do this about "old people". Yesterday I was outraged by a woman (probably in her 30s) who not only said she hated the condescending tone that "old people" use, but, when I tried to make a teachable moment by commenting that condescending is an attitude not an age, she got herself into deeper and deeper doo doo by explaining why old people are condescending. Then she said "well not all of them, but everyone I know who's condescending is old". Can you imagine the uproar there would have been if instead of "old" she had written "black" or "Jewish" and instead of "condescending" she had used some other generic put-down?? And thinking she was getting herself out of the doo doo by saying "not all old people are like that????" (Again, think of a substitution, and read it back to yourself.)
Maybe I am not aging gracefully. I don't mind having some orthopedic problems (unless it's snowing), and I am ecstatic that I no longer have to throw myself into the ratrace of hateful, stressful, boring jobs to pay my bills and have health insurance. And I know I'm still hot, even if you think (out of deference?) you have to know me in person to say so.
But I haven't had my moment yet. I'm still waiting for it. I have a lot of growing and learning to do. I'm not yet ready to pass the baton on to the 20somethings fresh out of music school (which I never went to) and kvell over them in a motherly way. Hey!!! I still see them as my competition!!
I don't mean something tacky and silly like "I'm young at heart". There's nothing that makes me squirm as much as women (it's usually women) over a certain age in tv commercials being "cute" about how young they feel, hoping to elicit the same response that children get. I'm so not like that. I'm not "cute"; I'm a serious woman and a serious artist who can still raise the temperature in a room by playing Dalila.
Please don't listen to anything obnoxious and sexist that the director of dell'arte Opera has to say. He's like that to everyone.
ReplyDeleteAnd you don't know who might have liked your dress!
Dear jm,
ReplyDeleteWOW! How were you able to identify whom I was talking about? What they said wasn't sexist, it was ageist - when I auditioned for them they gave me feedback, some positive, some helpful constructive criticism, but then said I did not "fit" with their mission because I was not a future investment. I mean who the bloody hell knows who is and who isn't a future investment? That was 7 years ago. And, yes, OK, I can understand now that they want young singers playing young characters. But young singers playing old characters? That's unconscionable. Then they had the chutzpah to send me emails asking for money!! I finally "unsubscribed" from their email alerts, as part of my campaign to foster my self esteem.