I want to write about friendship because it seems to be something I am not good at (or maybe I am choosing the wrong people).
For most of my life with my partner as a couple, even though I was the "femme" from a sexual and sartorial standpoint, I suppose I was the "man" in that for most of our life together, I had the job and she had the friends. Her friends became my friends. This is not to say that I had no social life apart from her. I seemed to have a talent for finding companies where there was a large social and collegial component, so I had lots of "buddies". And up until I took my last, gruelling management job, I always was involved with some evening group activity where I met people.
But nothing ever really stuck. Once I left a setting, I only saw the people intermittently, at the odd annual group get together (or - recently - at a funeral).
I have said numerous times that since about 2007, most of my and my partner's mutual friends, people who became my friends as well as hers, have all either died, moved, or are always traveling. I have found it very hard to make new friends although it has been at the top of my list of "projects" after earning a living, taking care of my partner, and singing.
I believe I have mentioned a friend whom I have described as "rich and stingy". Well, sadly, I now have to add "querulous and disagreeable". The only reason I still see her is that she feels some responsibility toward my partner and sometimes brings her supplies from a big box store (which, needless to say, I pay her for out of my partner's bank account). She has complained about how "depressing" it is to see my partner and how sad it makes her and is unable to see that this situation is not about her, it's about my partner. Yesterday she came for a visit (I thought we would be watching tennis) and went into a rant about how although she attends a synagogue she doesn't "believe all that" and just goes for the social interaction. I suppose many people do that, although they would not word it so harshly. I am not Christian, but I continue to attend Lutheran services, not just to sing, but also to be in an environment where people are invested in being kind and supportive of each other (and toward the world at large). To me that is different from "social". What keeps me there isn't that I might be able to have dinner with people (I don't - I occasionally have lunch with people usually on the premises), but that people genuinely seem to care about each other and some even offer to help their fellow parishioners in their hour of need.
This friend and I were talking about fasting on Yom Kippur (which we both agreed is physically unhealthy) so I asked her if she did anything "symbolic" (if it were me I would probably spend the day drinking water, tea, and the odd bottle of Ensure) and she said no. What struck me wasn't so much that she said no, but how hard and cynical she sounded. Then we went on to other topics, including my distress at the lack of "community" in apartment buildings and neighborhoods, particularly where my partner is living. It has now become a moot point as far as she is concerned, because she has 24/7 home care, but it offends me in principle. I mean when there's a snowstorm, for example, anyone with a tv can hear whoever the current mayor is telling people to "check in on their elderly neighbors". You don't even have to think to do it on your own. So when I mentioned this she launched into a vitriolic rant about how the building isn't a senior residence, etc. and basically said that if I'm bothered by these things it's my problem. Hello??? If I am offended by a general societal lack of character that's my problem??
It is really coming to dawn on me that this is someone not only who is stingy with money (she spends thousands upon thousands on luxury cruises but thinks she's being generous if she buys someone a danish), but is stingy in her soul. I don't know if she has ever read Ayn Rand, but she seems to think everyone should just look out for themselves, and that this is OK, and that that's what she is going to do. I was truly appalled. When I got home I felt like I had been in some alternative universe with values that were so alien to me I didn't even know where I was.
What's ironic is that this woman in some ways has had many of the same losses that I have had; it's just that she can distract herself with pots of money (which come from her family; there isn't even the saving grace that she worked hard to earn it). Most of her friends have either died or moved as well, including someone who just died recently. Maybe I should have offered her condolences?
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